marriage advice, problems from the start :(

[mista_khan]

salaam aliukum brothers and sisters. I need some advice , im going to tell you everything from the start to finish and I need your feedback and advice. .
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.During summer of 2012 I broke up with my ex partner who I was supposed to be marrying through family as she was my far cousin. fair to say left me heart broken and due to seeing many arguments in my household due to my eldest brother not getting married I was sick of everything in my house to see parents crying and arguments everyday. This led me to agree to my parents to be engaged to a girl from Pakistan who came over as a visitor in October of 2012, before getting engaged I told my parents I don't wish to get married immediately and at least not for a year minimum as I knew mentally I wasn't stable to just jump from one woman to another. Yet they agreed about the time I needed but come January 2013 (3 months after engagement) and all that was being said was wedding wedding wedding, I tried to explain I want to wait till next year but they said due to visa changes we have to do it now? covering my parents respect (infront of people as they say) I let them carry on, same time in mid January I met someone out of the blue and within 3 weeks I didn't want to go ahead with the marriage yet my parents were already in Pakistan making preparations and how could I have broken their heart? It broke my heart to go Pakistan to get married when I knew my happiness laid with someone else I just met out the blue but it was enough for me to realise I could still be happy and still many decent people out their who appreciate you for what you are (ps I do stutter ). During the nikah process I was fully breaking down inside , while I read the kalma I did not have the niyat to get married as all I wanted to do was to stop it but how could I hurt my parents? After marriage I stayed their for 3 weeks, every night id cry before going to bed, in whole 3 weeks I didn't do anything with my wife that you would do after you get married but seeing my mum happy after ages meant a lot to me. I was so glad to come back to England and I couldn't wait to get away from Pakistan. since april 2012 when I came back to uk , I have hardly called my wife I literally don't care if she asks for me like 100 times which isn't fair on her as its my fault. Ive finally had enough courage to tell my parents after 18 months of marriage that im not happy with her and I didn't want to get married and I asked you for atleast a year but they switch it back on me and start cursing me, saying I will burn in hell, but tbh I lied to allah swt when I read his sacred kalma so I rather be punished on earth then in my grave for what I did knowingly! Now on top she has had her visa granted and will be coming over in a few weeks. All I want to do is stop all of this, as I believe my nikah isn't even real as my niyat was not to do it, I want to leave her and get married to someone I want to settle down, that girl I met I would find her again as she was also forced into marriage at age of 15 but divorced when she came back to the uk. I do not have it in me to start a family with someone I have no feelings for , because for the sake of family respect infront of stupid people who don't care about you? yet my parents don't see how vulnerable I am right now and instead are forcing her to come over quickly so apparently we can settle down. I do feel like running away from it all, I pray I rather die tbh as whats the point in living a life for people, for past 2 years alhamdulilah I pray my salah and I want to be a better muslim, want to settle down and go for umrah and hajj and improve my life, but I cant in the state im in at the moment. So much to take in but that's a brief overview of my story , your advice will be much appreciated.

 

[Muhaba]

You are married because you agreed to get married whether it was your niyat or not. No one forced you. That is, you didn't tell parents "I don't want this marriage" and they didn't say, "Get married or else." Not speaking your mind caused you this problem. To end your marriage, you would have to go through divorce.

If the only reason you are rejecting your wife is because you met someone else (whom you don't even know will marry you btw) then I think you are making a mistake. Give your wife a chance. Look deeply inside and ask yourself: What is it you don't like about her? Would you feel the same way if you hadn't met that other woman?

Don't do anything in haste. If you need time, then ask for it. But you should "date" your wife a bit and see if you start falling in love with her.

 

[mista_khan]

You are married because you agreed to get married whether it was your niyat or not. No one forced you. That is, you didn't tell parents "I don't want this marriage" and they didn't say, "Get married or else." Not speaking your mind caused you this problem. To end your marriage, you would have to go through divorce.

If the only reason you are rejecting your wife is because you met someone else (whom you don't even know will marry you btw) then I think you are making a mistake. Give your wife a chance. Look deeply inside and ask yourself: What is it you don't like about her? Would you feel the same way if you hadn't met that other woman?

Don't do anything in haste. If you need time, then ask for it. But you should "date" your wife a bit and see if you start falling in love with her.

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.As wrong as this sound i have kept in contact with that girl and we have literally been through hell and back and i know i want to marry her my happiness lies with her and so does she, secondly i wanted to stop it all at that point and before but i never spoke my mind which was weak of me but also so i dont hurt my parents but im doing that now anyway by telling them and them no listening to my situation so i should have just done it then, truth be told my family live for the people , tbh ive stopped doing that since i got married, cast etc doesnt mean anything to me now, and iv also learnt to speak in a hard situation or it will get even harder and you will be forced to speak later on! salaam aliekum

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

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.As wrong as this sound i have kept in contact with that girl and we have literally been through hell and back and i know i want to marry her my happiness lies with her and so does she, secondly i wanted to stop it all at that point and before but i never spoke my mind which was weak of me but also so i dont hurt my parents but im doing that now anyway by telling them and them no listening to my situation so i should have just done it then, truth be told my family live for the people , tbh ive stopped doing that since i got married, cast etc doesnt mean anything to me now, and iv also learnt to speak in a hard situation or it will get even harder and you will be forced to speak later on! salaam aliekum

For you to say that you "have to" keep in touch with a non mahram girl just because you had a relationship with her is beyond absurd. Not only that but it is shaythan your enemy who does not want you to let go of her because he knows you are committing a major sin. You are committing ADULTERY!

Shaythan also wants you to break up with your wife to be with this girl because he knows you will only find misery after that.

Do you actually think that by doing this girl whom you married wrong that you will gain happiness in your being with this girl? Think again. Trust me you will find much misery if you hurt this girl by leaving her for this other woman. It does not matter what the issue was with your parents wanting you to marry her etc. The fact is SHE IS YOUR WIFE. How can you take such a thing so lightly? How can you be foolish enough to think that you will be happy by breaking up with your wife to be with this other girl?

So if you came here looking for justification from others that what you are doing is right then you will never find such justification because you are committing adultery which is one of the most major sins and can you imagine if you were to die right now then you would die a wretched death of that of an adulterer. You will never find peace, happiness or contentment in what you are doing right now.

So seriously consider what I am saying and leave this girl immediately and STOP COMMITTING ADULTERY BY STAYING IN TOUCH WITH THIS OTHER GIRL!

The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “No adulterer is a believer at the time when he is committing adultery” (al-Bukhaari (2475) Muslim (57))

The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) has told us of the punishment that those who commit adultery will receive in their graves before the Hour begins, and that they will be punished with fire. (al-Bukhaari (1320)).

If it was meant to be then you would have married her but you were meant to marry this girl and she is yours. So love and cherish her and never go behind her back or hurt her, otherwise you will certainly pay the consequences for your actions with misery in this life, the grave and the Hereafter.

:wa:

 

[mista_khan]

For you to say that you "have to" keep in touch with a non mahram girl just because you had a relationship with her is beyond absurd. Not only that but it is shaythan your enemy who does not want you to let go of her because he knows you are committing a major sin. You are committing ADULTERY!

Shaythan also wants you to break up with your wife to be with this girl because he knows you will only find misery after that.

Do you actually think that by doing this girl whom you married wrong that you will gain happiness in your being with this girl? Think again. Trust me you will find much misery if you hurt this girl by leaving her for this other woman. It does not matter what the issue was with your parents wanting you to marry her etc. The fact is SHE IS YOUR WIFE. How can you take such a thing so lightly? How can you be foolish enough to think that you will be happy by breaking up with your wife to be with this other girl?

So if you came here looking for justification from others that what you are doing is right then you will never find such justification because you are committing adultery which is one of the most major sins and can you imagine if you were to die right now then you would die a wretched death of that of an adulterer. You will never find peace, happiness or contentment in what you are doing right now.

So seriously consider what I am saying and leave this girl immediately and STOP COMMITTING ADULTERY BY STAYING IN TOUCH WITH THIS OTHER GIRL!

The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “No adulterer is a believer at the time when he is committing adultery” (al-Bukhaari (2475) Muslim (57))

The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) has told us of the punishment that those who commit adultery will receive in their graves before the Hour begins, and that they will be punished with fire. (al-Bukhaari (1320)).

If it was meant to be then you would have married her but you were meant to marry this girl and she is yours. So love and cherish her and never go behind her back or hurt her, otherwise you will certainly pay the consequences for your actions with misery in this life, the grave and the Hereafter.

:wa:

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I totally understand that contact with another woman is forbidden and I will back off its not a problem, I do also believe upto a certain point that if I do hurt my wife I will pay, but god knows I never planned to do this, and my god if I could turn back time I would, I just refuse to believe shaitaan has done all of this, yet your telling me now I have to go along with it no matter what? yet I think its not fair , I know ive done wrong I stayed quite that's why I ended up were I am now, but what your saying is if I explained my self to my family and hers, told them everything, then asked for a Islamic divorce, your saying I will be cursed basically and never be happy and be punished? yet I have no happiness now, compared to before I was married, now I feel like im stuck in a situation and I would just run away but running away from my problems wont get me no where?

 

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum,
Basically you have two options. Try to make the best out of a bad situation, or divorce her and move on. We can't make that decision for you. Some things to consider though:
- The feelings you have for that other girl are dangerous. Like somebody else said, you don't even know if she'll marry you. So if you decide to divorce your current wife, don't let it be out of some romantic fantasy. That's why you should break off all contact. Don't let it be a dilemma, of one girl vs. another. Since you're already married, it's to late for that equation. It would be unfair to your current wife. maKe it a question of: will this marriage fail and make us unhappy or not? That should be the main parameter in your decision, do you both have chance to be happy and successful in life, or would you just be postponing an inevitable disaster. If after long consideration, you still feel the marriage was a mistake, and you still want a divorce, then do what you think is best. And it would be ok. If you are really convinced you made a mistake marrying her, then you should indeed divorce now, rather then letting it drag on and allowing things to get even more complicated (like having children first and then deciding it would be better to divorce). But until that divorce is final you should break off all contact with that other girl. Unless off course you're actually considering to have two wives, which is a whole different situation, but i didn't get the impression that is your goal.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

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I totally understand that contact with another woman is forbidden and I will back off its not a problem, I do also believe upto a certain point that if I do hurt my wife I will pay, but god knows I never planned to do this, and my god if I could turn back time I would, I just refuse to believe shaitaan has done all of this, yet your telling me now I have to go along with it no matter what? yet I think its not fair , I know ive done wrong I stayed quite that's why I ended up were I am now, but what your saying is if I explained my self to my family and hers, told them everything, then asked for a Islamic divorce, your saying I will be cursed basically and never be happy and be punished? yet I have no happiness now, compared to before I was married, now I feel like im stuck in a situation and I would just run away but running away from my problems wont get me no where?

Regardless of why you married her s it your wifes fault that you have put her in such a situation? Why should she suffer for the rest of your life because of your selfishness? Ask yourself do you really think that you will ever really have any piece in your own heart by ruining her life?

Even if you end up leaving your wife for another woman then how fo you know things will actually work pr not. There is a huge difference between "lusting" over a woman you have been in a relationship with nor ever lived with and actually marrying and living with a partner. Much of the time these relationships hardly ever get to marriage and when they do then most end up finding out that they are not right for each other because a relationship is completely different to a marriage and right now you have all these dreams togethercetc but these dreams are not reality but ypur marriage is a reality!

So if you are going to ruin your wifes life by choosing to marry another woman over her then know that you would potentially be making the biggest mistake in your life and one that you may live to regret. So choose and prefer your wife over any other woman and do not hurt your wife over an illegitimate relationship which may never work in the end anyway.

 

[~Zaria~]

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.As wrong as this sound i have kept in contact with that girl and we have literally been through hell and back and i know i want to marry her my happiness lies with her and so does she, secondly i wanted to stop it all at that point and before but i never spoke my mind which was weak of me but also so i dont hurt my parents but im doing that now anyway by telling them and them no listening to my situation so i should have just done it then, truth be told my family live for the people , tbh ive stopped doing that since i got married, cast etc doesnt mean anything to me now, and iv also learnt to speak in a hard situation or it will get even harder and you will be forced to speak later on! salaam aliekum

It is one thing to be 'forced' into marriage due to family pressure.
It is another thing to intentionally deceive your spouse by having an extra-marital affair.

From all that you have stated thus far, what is quite apparent is that your feelings and concern for your wife run so low that:
1. You chose to deny her conjugal rights as a wife, while being with her for 3 weeks after marriage.
2. You say that: "I have hardly called my wife I literally don't care if she asks for me like 100 times...."
3. Its 18 months later of being in this marriage, and it appears that you have no interest to at least give your wife a chance and try to make this marriage work out.

Clearly your illicit involvement with this other woman plays a role in how you feel towards your marriage.

As mentioned previously - leave this haraam relationship behind, as no good can come off it - both in this life and in the next.

However, in addition to this, I will also suggest, that if you KNOW that it will not be possible for you to love, honor and respect your wife in the manner that she deserves (for whatever reason - be it lack of attraction, incompatibility due to different cultures/ lifestyles, etc), and you KNOW that you can never be happy in this marriage,

then please, for the sake of this poor wife who is sitting in Pakistan and most likely lamenting over the state of her marriage - set her free through either an annulment (as it appears that this marriage is yet to be consumated) or divorce (please contact your local imam to clarify this).

Just for a minute, place yourself in your wifes shoes:

How do you think she felt when her new husband did not even want to be close and intimate with her after marriage?
Worthless? Broken-hearted? Like something is wrong with her? The joy that every new bride feels being snatched away?

How do you think she feels right now - as you do not answer her calls and do not show any love or concern for her?

It is very painful to be in a marriage, where there is such an imbalance of love and commitment between two people....with one person constantly trying to change the others heart.
Most certainly, she is aware of how little you feel for her - yet for her to still want to come to UK to be with you, and to try and make this marriage work, speaks of how special she actually is.

So, please for once in this entire scenario, do what is right:
- Leave behind this illicit affair that is causing such displeasure to Allah.

- And if you can not find it in your heart to love your wife, then let her go as well.

Do not put a person through a life of heart-break (from never feeling loved and fear of infidelity).
Do not bring children into a marriage that you find so difficult to be in yourself.
Do not live a life of lies and deceit - How would you feel if your wife were to treat you in a similar manner?

While I agree that every effort should be made to save a marriage....however, if a marriage is dead before it even begins, and already infidelity has reared its head.....then, sometimes some things are not meant to be saved.
Perhaps more good can come to both parties by walking away.

However, this decision is for you to make - without the influences of a third party.


:wa: