Marriage and inlaw issues need urgent advice

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Darlingbudofmay

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Salam

I am in a very difficult situation.

I have been married 10 years with two children I got married very Young at 18 and I must admit I was not ready to take that step but since he did not even have passport at that time I figured I may lose him and never see him again so I went ahead with the marriage it was rocky in the start because we both were really Young and finding it hard to run the marriage so much to the point that I use to get nervous breakdowns and suffer from depression

anyway I will just get straight to my current issue

I am in my husbands country right now and I feel totally suffocated ever since I had my first child my mother in law always wants to be in the picture and she don't even want to leave us alone even when she came to "help" to my country after her visa being approved all she did was make fights with my husband and tell him he should leave this country and live with her and the rest of the family bearing in mind I just had a baby and that was the last thing I needed was her emotional blackmail and threats because of this my husband became stressed and sick and after her few months ended of so called "support" she left and went back to her country and now I am in his country visiting and now my husband is saying he is never going back to Europe to live and that I have to live with his parents...


he lied to me and told me we were only visiting..I am so furious that now his mother has got her own way and now she pretty much controls how I raise my kids..me and my husband never get to spend time together he's out from this house seven days in a week and I have to stay at home with his mother anytime if I want to go out with my husband he has to take permission from her when her mood is good then she allows but when it's off he refuses to take me...


I am pretty much going mental and this is not what I want from a marriage the most sickening thing is that he never spoke to me about moving here and now i believe he probably lied to me about other things too overall my trust for my husband is gone and now all I feel is pure and utter hate..he don't respect me and he don't care about my rights...his parents are still young and they already have their younger son and his wife living with them too, how selfish can you get?


I have decided that I want to divorce and go back home. I will take legal advice about my kids honestly I have stayed very patient but I am wasting my time...I tried my best to change his mind but I cannot live here...i don't have a marriage and I can't even raise my kids the way I want yeah you can tell me to be patient but I'm honestly developing depression because I feel so lonely...
 
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:wa:



Divorce should be last option . So , think more . Offer Istekhara before taking such decision.


May Allah grants what is best for you sis .
 
This is the culture taking a hold.

Not easy to change anything. I hear you, I sympathise, I wish it was different but personally, I don't believe anything would change.

You will have the feelings you have, and it may even get worst.

Do istakarah and get answer from Him. I see a difficult journey ahead in a lonely place.

Have faith and think of the test of this life and the reward of the hereafter.


:peace:
 
Walaikumasalaam

That's a very sad situation. I get really upset when i hear stories like this especially when women don't speak up for themselves and endure unnecessary pain on themselves.

We have rights in Islam and if your husband isn't given you these rights you shouldn't be overlooking this time after time thinking things will improve - if anything things get worse because you have laid down low expectations of how you should be treated and what is acceptable.

I completely understand the culture side of things. Am Asian as well and i completely understand that mother-in-law's sometimes get a bit TOO involved to the point you can't breathe anymore. This makes you feel powerless, voiceless and of course, depressed because nothing is going your way and you have no influence or control over important decisions.

Have you tried speaking yo your mother in law in private? I know some women can be very bitter and even if you attempt to talk to them they may laugh, ridicule or bully you even more - but give this a try sister. You never know it might bring a change?

I do understand as mothers we can become attached to our children and some women find it EXTREMELY hard to let go and let the couples live their lives. I understand this. The mother plays a huge role in the upbringing of the son and then before they realise it, the son leaves and becomes a man. I think some mothers still feel obliged to dictate rules and make decisions for their son even if he's married. I feel this is very unjust and unfair especially on you sister because they should be a balance. She shouldn't be so much dominating that it makes you feel so small.

Also, have you tried speaking to your husband alone? I know you said he's a mummy's boy which is fine but maybe he will see sense and realise he has been neglecting your rights?

You are right for a husband to LIE to you and deceive you and stay in his home country whilst advising you he is only going for a holiday this is very vicious (unless he had the intention of going on a holiday and then mum or son changed his mind? Allah swa knows best).

I feel you need to make a stand now and give him an ultimatum. Lay down the rules advise your husband if your not willing to talk to me, to discuss important decisions which affect me and you then there is no point investing our time in this so called relationship.

To be married 10 years Alhamdulilah in sha Allah he will make a change. That’s something to cherish - 10 years is a VERY long time. There's no question you have been patient sister - no doubt about it.

Lastly but more importantly i don't think you should feel as though your alone. I know sometimes we do feel like this. We question why me? etc but there are thousands of millions past and present who has endured hardships through marriage (or other areas in life). Allah swa has put you in this situation for a reason and you will find peace and happiness if you turn to Allah swa.

Focus on strengthening your relationship with Allah swa. Trust me this will REALLY help in sha Allah.

May Allah swa help you find peace and happiness Ameen.
 
Tried talking to her? She is already well aware of my feelings because she is in contact with a woman who tells her personal information about me and how I am feeling..also I believe it would be impossible to make a woman of her character understand, she is extremely dominate. She often checks my bedroom and my wardrobe and even bags under the bed..she watches and monitors everything also I have noticed that the more time my husband spends with Her, he becomes aggressive with me, he has already hit me before because I told him that I did not want him to sleep with his mother if she comes for visit he starts talking strange to me and telling me that I am not wife material and all this crap he talks about future stuff...he also tells me I dont love my children and his mother gives more love to them well maybe if he actually gave me a CHANCE to be a mother
 
So what my heart is telling me is right? The situation is not going to change...I just needed to hear it from others so I should take a step.

You know what the funny thing is I even considered living here at one stage because I loved my husband that much but I just don't have the strength in me I actually convinced myself but everyday is the same I wake up depressed and when i go to bed I feel this is a heaven for me because I am in my own comfort zone.
.I feel free and no one can enter in on me but the the sun comes up and I just want to die because I know I have to face his family once again. This is a prison for me. It is a donkey life and it's not normal! My kids don't often get to see the ligjht of day either! They are always stuck inside. His mother runs this house on formalities...you have to wake up at a certain time and you have to go to bed at a certain time! I can't even be alone with my husband in our room or she makes a huge issue out of it and she told me we should sit down with her so now I don't go to room during the day even if the work is done in the house, it's not approved of if me and my husband want quality time...it's considered shameful even if my husband kisses or hugs me in front of them...

This is not the type of mother that I want my kids to see! I want to be happy for them and I want to enjoy with them but now my husband should see the result of his stupid decision to live here...please pray for me
 
Darlingbudofmay said:
So what my heart is telling me is right? The situation is not going to change...I just needed to hear it from others so I should take a step.

You know what the funny thing is I even considered living here at one stage because I loved my husband that much but I just don't have the strength in me I actually convinced myself but everyday is the same I wake up depressed and when i go to bed I feel this is a heaven for me because I am in my own comfort zone.
.I feel free and no one can enter in on me but the the sun comes up and I just want to die because I know I have to face his family once again. This is a prison for me. It is a donkey life and it's not normal! My kids don't often get to see the ligjht of day either! They are always stuck inside. His mother runs this house on formalities...you have to wake up at a certain time and you have to go to bed at a certain time! I can't even be alone with my husband in our room or she makes a huge issue out of it and she told me we should sit down with her so now I don't go to room during the day even if the work is done in the house, it's not approved of if me and my husband want quality time...it's considered shameful even if my husband kisses or hugs me in front of them...

This is not the type of mother that I want my kids to see! I want to be happy for them and I want to enjoy with them but now my husband should see the result of his stupid decision to live here...please pray for me
Click to expand...


I agree with you. I don't understand people who just tell women to bear through it. Be honest with your husband, but please be calm and really think about your decision. What will happen after if you do divorce him? Do you have a plan B.

From what you have said, its very disappointing behaviour from your husband. Mother is important but it doesn't mean you have these ridiculous restrictions.
Children see this, and its not good.

May Allah give you strength and patience for your situation.
 

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