Marriage difficulties

[Hamza Asadullah]

how on earth do you know whether he is entilted to divorce or not?? are u a scholar? do you know his wife?? are you in his position?? did you read that she is giving him threats and insulting his imaan and on top of all of this he was forced into this marriage from a very early age. imagine what the atmosphere is like for there kids.. constantly fighting, have you any idea?? you clearly have not read none of his posts at all you are just throwing out whatever silly thing that comes into your brain. now i wonder what you are going to say next ha maybe that you are knower of all holy Qur'an and you know every single hadith also. if were ruler of the world and making the decisions everybody would be miserable

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sisters this is getting truly ridiculous now. The brother has opened up to us about such a painful situation that he is in wanting our advice and support and you two are polluting this thread with your constant squabbling. Does this behaviour befit a Muslim?

Are you two here to argue? or to learn, help, share and advise? Review your intentions and ask each other for forgiveness and repent to Allah for your behaviour and end this childish behaviour right now!

What kind of impression are you showing to others who come in here to find the truth and they see you two squabbling away.

Let us be the best examples to mankind and not behave in this pathetic manner.

May Allah unite us all and give us patience and tolerance and give us the ability to treat others the best. Ameen

 

[CosmicPathos]

To the OP:

This is the very very first thing you need to do. Get rid of any Pakistani cultural baggage that might make your decisions biased. If Islam allows you to divorce this wife but your culture (family, parents, relatives, neighbors) is not allowing to do so then please, rebel against this Pakistaniant for Allah's sake. Throw it out. Flush it down the drain. Do only what Islam allows you to do. In this case, i do think you have the permission to divorce this wife as the whole foundation of this marriage was wrong. Your mistake is that you were unable to hold your emotions and committed sexual intercourse with her even though you dont like her and are not attracted to her. Desires taking over the mind, should I say? Anyways, without being harsh, do what is Islamic and avoid what is Pakistani.

 

[TotalControl]

Salaam

Wow, where to start after the heated discussions on here?

Thank you to the brother above for giving me the sound advice alongside sister cat eyes et al.

To Nilufier. I accept the posts have been in the best of heart and take this advice with the intent for you to receive swaab for the information. However, I believe you may be a little deluded into the situation seeing the story through a misty lens.

Women are equally as different to each other as men are. Your state of mind and level of intellect differentiate you from others. Hidden agendas are what make up a diseased relationship. Where the hidden agenda is strong, the relationship will only go one way, downhill. I would rather spend my life with an honest woman than one with hidden agendas against me. Simple.

Lets focus also on physical attributes of the individual entity of prettyness you mention, putting the state of mind to one side (however, this is actually the main bit as physical appearances are a temporary blessing). If, as you say, a woman is the same regardless, would you think of an unwashed, untrimmed woman to be the same as a clean woman? Personal hygiene should theoretically be at the forefront of ones iman to stay pure. But please, correct me if I'm wrong.

I just want to express my feelings here for everyone to undestand my thoughts. I hate my culture. No, scrap that. I despise my culture. For something as miniscule as culture to dilute the true faith from the heart and mind is evil in my honest opinion. How can it be put ahead of your Iman? So if your saying is correct and I was to go back to her and live a 'normal' life, it still does not release the issue of me being underage at the time of marriage. The legal age of consent for a male in Pakistan is 18. So even, legally, under the roof of 'culture', an unlawful sin has been committed. One that she knew about, accepted to and understood fully. She was a fully grown adult. And one who did not object to the marriage but actually wanted to go ahead. What is the word called for someone who marries a child? It's wrong for me to say so I shant, but you get the picture.

Nilufier, please respond to my above qoutation as I would like to listen to what you have to say. Afterall, this is a mature conversation with hard facts. I am not trying to embarass you or even misguide you towards my situation. I am merely here to state personal facts for the benefit of not just myself, but also for others to read, understand and avoid.

To cat eyes, Rab'iya and Larocque. This is as far as my undestanding goes. I do not wish to interfere with my (ex) wifes life. That is between her and her maker. She may do as she pleases. But I can seriously see her using these children, my children, as puppets for her own welfare. These innocents are also going to be used against me, which I will not let happen. Somehow, anyway possible.

My latest issue of her not giving me the Nikah papers to solve this issue is very irritating. I have also found out that she is to be going to Pakistan tomorrow with the children for 2 weeks. I am stuck in a situation of not really knowing where to look for help for my release.

Only Allah (swt) knows the future. Not mere mortals like us.

Wasalaam

 

[arabianprincess]

salam wa 3lykom..
i was reading ur post and seriously it makes me sad to know people would force there kids to get married wen they dont really want n on top of that u were really young.. it would be different if u wanted to.. my opinion on this issuse from wat u have said is to basically divorce her . there is no point in being with someone u dont want and its not fair for both of u to suffer so if u know u have feelings for anther woman then u know wat u have to do.and hopefully everythin works out for the best ! take care

 

[Italianguy]

"Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah” (did I say that right?)

Well, i know that honesty is they best policy so here i go. I was once in your situation(or similar) noone knows (until now) but i feel as if youneed all the help you can get. When i turned 16 i was told that i would marry a woman i never met, and it was already being arranged. She was Greek and I am Italian, (imagine that one.lol) we where married in 2000 and had my son in 2001. she was supposed to have been on birth control methods but lied to me. We never got along and never really loved each other(not like we new what love was anyway). She told me after only 2 years of mariage that she had been seeing someone else. This is actually one of only 2 or 3 reasons a Christian is allowed to divorce. Even though she commited adaulry I still tried to make it work. That did not happen and she drewup law papers to divorce. She moved ot within a month and got her own place. I had to pay for all this, well i did for awhile. She ended p preganant with the same guys child and they are living together now UNMARRIED! This is the only reason I have the angel i have in my life right now(my wife) trust me its hard, her parents hat ethe idea that i have been married before and have a child by previous marriage. (they are Indian) so you can immagiane what its like for me.

My advice to you would be this; Do not divorce unless she leaves you or if she leaves you. Make sure you have both tried verything possible to fix and talk about your problems.

Do not see this other woman with out her father knowing first! You must approach the father, I can't stress this enough. If you think you have problems now, wait until you see a father when he finds out from someone else. Gaurd your integrity an reputation, and more imortantly the womans!

The most important thing about this is not you or her though. It is the children. You know they follow everything you do, and you must e a rolemodel for these beautiful children you have. Both of you. Your children will grow up in your image, so you wan’t the best image and strength in faith possible.

I hope this helps in some way. I know I am not Muslim, and don’t understand the different dynamics of an Islamic marriage. I do happen to understand though the role of the father and a mother.

Please, if you need more help or just need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to send me a message. I promise I won’t try to influence you in any Christian way. I just want o help a brother in need. Plus I do understand a little Hindi, if that’s what you speek? Also Tamil and Urdu. Oh yeah and Italian too.lol

Lastly Allah has already written your plan, knows what is in your heart, and guides you daily. Pray about this, bring it infront of God. Follow Allah’s word.
May Allah help you brother!

 

[Donia]

Asalaamu alaikum rahmatullahi wa barakatu.

I find this situation to be really sad on many different levels. The one positive thing that I see that clearly shines through is that through all this you have gotten closer to Allah ta'aala and that is a good thing.
I am only reading your side and I know there's two sides to every story but based on what you're saying, I feel sad for your little boys.
It would be so nice for them to have a father figure especially a good one as you appear to be.
There's so many dads (and moms too) out there that just don't give a you know what about their kids. When I see parents that obviously do and the other parent keeps the kids from them just out of spite or whatever it is... it's just sad to me because the only people who are going to suffer are the children.
I will make dua for you brother.
Put your trust in Allah..
Sufficient is Allah as a disposer of affairs. That is in the Quran and forgive me for not putting the exact verse. Astaghfurillah.
Salaam alaikum.

 

[nilufer]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sisters this is getting truly ridiculous now. The brother has opened up to us about such a painful situation that he is in wanting our advice and support and you two are polluting this thread with your constant squabbling. Does this behaviour befit a Muslim?

Are you two here to argue? or to learn, help, share and advise? Review your intentions and ask each other for forgiveness and repent to Allah for your behaviour and end this childish behaviour right now!

What kind of impression are you showing to others who come in here to find the truth and they see you two squabbling away.

Let us be the best examples to mankind and not behave in this pathetic manner.

May Allah unite us all and give us patience and tolerance and give us the ability to treat others the best. Ameen

Iam not polluting this topic but iam giving my advice as any of you and iam right because the islam didnt say to push people or to give them idea to divorce the islam said to help the couple first then if it doesnt work its their decision to get divorce and is not yours nor mine nor others decision plus she is the only one start commented on my post and start insulting me and it is my right to reply kind of people iam their medicine

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam

Wow, where to start after the heated discussions on here?

Thank you to the brother above for giving me the sound advice alongside sister cat eyes et al.

To Nilufier. I accept the posts have been in the best of heart and take this advice with the intent for you to receive swaab for the information. However, I believe you may be a little deluded into the situation seeing the story through a misty lens.

Women are equally as different to each other as men are. Your state of mind and level of intellect differentiate you from others. Hidden agendas are what make up a diseased relationship. Where the hidden agenda is strong, the relationship will only go one way, downhill. I would rather spend my life with an honest woman than one with hidden agendas against me. Simple.

Lets focus also on physical attributes of the individual entity of prettyness you mention, putting the state of mind to one side (however, this is actually the main bit as physical appearances are a temporary blessing). If, as you say, a woman is the same regardless, would you think of an unwashed, untrimmed woman to be the same as a clean woman? Personal hygiene should theoretically be at the forefront of ones iman to stay pure. But please, correct me if I'm wrong.

I just want to express my feelings here for everyone to undestand my thoughts. I hate my culture. No, scrap that. I despise my culture. For something as miniscule as culture to dilute the true faith from the heart and mind is evil in my honest opinion. How can it be put ahead of your Iman? So if your saying is correct and I was to go back to her and live a 'normal' life, it still does not release the issue of me being underage at the time of marriage. The legal age of consent for a male in Pakistan is 18. So even, legally, under the roof of 'culture', an unlawful sin has been committed. One that she knew about, accepted to and understood fully. She was a fully grown adult. And one who did not object to the marriage but actually wanted to go ahead. What is the word called for someone who marries a child? It's wrong for me to say so I shant, but you get the picture.

Nilufier, please respond to my above qoutation as I would like to listen to what you have to say. Afterall, this is a mature conversation with hard facts. I am not trying to embarass you or even misguide you towards my situation. I am merely here to state personal facts for the benefit of not just myself, but also for others to read, understand and avoid.

To cat eyes, Rab'iya and Larocque. This is as far as my undestanding goes. I do not wish to interfere with my (ex) wifes life. That is between her and her maker. She may do as she pleases. But I can seriously see her using these children, my children, as puppets for her own welfare. These innocents are also going to be used against me, which I will not let happen. Somehow, anyway possible.

My latest issue of her not giving me the Nikah papers to solve this issue is very irritating. I have also found out that she is to be going to Pakistan tomorrow with the children for 2 weeks. I am stuck in a situation of not really knowing where to look for help for my release.

Only Allah (swt) knows the future. Not mere mortals like us.

Wasalaam

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my brother this is surely a dire situation to be in especially when children are involved. Forced marriages are not too common in Pakistan itself but they do occur in some backward villages as well as amongst Kashmiri and Mirpuri communities.

I am sure it was a terrible ordeal for you as it is for anyone to have to go through. Having to go through such an ordeal at that age must have left you confused and dissillusioned.

I myself have a few friends who have gone through the same and it does ruin lives that is why we do feel for you and anyone else who goes through forced marriages.

These situations become even more difficult to deal with when children are involved as they are innocent in this and they should not have to suffer by not having their real father or mother around because of a seperation.

This situation is far to complex and difficult for anyone of us lay people in here to give you the best solution to.

That is why I would really recommend that you find a reliable, experienced and knowledgeable scholar so that he can give you the best solution as to what would be best to do in such a situation.

Also ask of Allah sincerely especially on the times when dua's are most accepted and ask of him that he gives you the best solution to this situation.

Know that Allah tests those who he wants closest to him so never say to Allah 'why' but bare with it with patience and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for patience is Jannah.

and Allah knows best

 

[umm junaid]

Salam bruva

your in such a painful situation and all i can say ALLAH KNOWS BEST, just make sure u pray salat al istikhara and just keep on prayin to allah and he will eventually feed your needs.

wish you all the best.