Life_Is_Short
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Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Brothers & Sisters!
I am in dire need of advice regarding marriage. I was hoping someone more knowledgeable could shed some light on the topic. I understand that no one here is an Alim. I am trying to read what Islam says about the matter myself.
I am 23 and in fifth year of Medicine. I still have a year of studies left. I study abroad but live in England. This break I came back home from university and my parents raised the question of marriage. It's a proposal from my cousin (my Dad's nephew). Before I had gotten back, my parents were already very excited about it, as if I had already said "yes". My Dad was making comments like "I'll make your marriage dinner", and there was constant talk about marriage. This was something new and very unusual for me. When my mother sat me down and formally asked if I was happy with it, my immediate reaction was "no". I had already told my mother years ago that i did not want anyone that was from Pakistan and that was a cousin. The reason why is because I have grown up in England and my husband would not understand the temptation one faces as a child growing up in the west. The refusal to get married to a first cousin was for medical reason, as children of first-cousin marriages have increased risk of genetic disorders. My mother did not see these two as valid reasons for refusal. Fair enough.
However, two weeks before I got back and before my parents raised the question, I met a brother (or rather he met me). He noticed me at a university event and added me on Facebook. He introduced himself in writing and I had noticed that he was involved in relief work so out of curiosity I asked him that I was very much interested in doing something like that after I graduate, therefore asked him for more information. He told me how Hajj was one of the requirement so I told him how I had been to Hajj as well. Anyhow, we started talking about our experiences at hajj & messaging back and forth mainly about religion and Medicine. He was very respectful in his mannerism through these messages. He told me how he’s becoming a hafiz as well, as it was one of his wishes. Also, his activities aside from university are understanding the Quran and praying in congregation. He did not tell me these things to impress me rather a conversation that lead from one topic to another. Overall, the impression I got is that he’s a very pious brother. There’s a lots of other qualities that he mentioned which were very impressive in terms of how active he is in religion. After a few messages, I thought to myself that if he is a religious brother and he has not approached any other girl what would be his intentions. As I was oblivious, I asked my wiser and older friends for advice and they told me it maybe that he is interested in marriage and he’s only trying to get to know you. This is what triggered me to start thinking about marriage. However, the brother has not mentioned anything about marriage as yet. He is studying at the moment and so am I. I don’t even know if that’s his intentions for sure.
After my parents posed the question, I had been seriously looking into the topic of marriage. I have read and listened to various lecture on the issue of marriage. Because of my age, my parents are getting desperate about me and they continue to enforce the same proposal. After reading much into the matter & listening to talks on how you should pick your spouse Islamically, I continue to refuse on the basis that I want someone that is religious. My parents told me that my cousin was praying in congregation five times a day (I don’t know if that’s really true, it’s a word of mouth). I said to my parents that it wasn’t sufficient, and that I wish to marry an Imaam or an Alim or someone who from a young age is invested (as in actively involved) in seeking Islamic knowledge. They keep saying I can mould my husband into these things afterwards. From what I have observed from my parents’ marriage and life, my Dad has only properly been involved in Islam, as in praying in congregation and actively seeking knowledge in a recent few years. My Dad is 50 something and because of that my mum has started going towards religion. I have said to my parents that I do not want that. I want to be that active in religion now and this starts with picking someone who is pious, as in wired how you’re wired now. Why start from square one and work your way, when you can start from a 100? I want to lead a life where my children would have consistency in the knowledge they’d receive from their parents throughout, and not wait for us to get old and realise about religion and then get that knowledge or upbringing.
On the conversation of marriage, I told my mother about the brother in my university and his qualities. I do not like hiding anything from my parents, so I believe it was only correct to tell her Also, as I did not think I was doing anything incorrect. :hmm:
I am doing my independent research and my parents are being very unreasonable and somewhat desperate. My mother says she will not accept anyone from another race, while Islam clearly says we have made you into different races and tribes so you may get to know each other and advised us to pick our spouses based on religion and good character. Islam mentions nothing about race. (correct me if I AM wrong). My mother has had countless arguments with me since and every conversation has ended in tears. It’s very abnormal and unpleasant. My mother keeps mentioning that as their daughter I should have complete trust in her and that I should know whatever they’re doing is best, on the bases of their own experience. She mentions part of religion that talks about obeying your parents, not marriage. It doesn't make sense to make such an important life decision based on my parents experiences. I have never disobeyed my parents and I do not intend to. My parents further reasons (for not looking outside family) is the “fear of the unknown”, that they do not ‘know’ any other family and are therefore not willing to take the risk. I feel like I am getting married to the family, rather than a boy. While, my aunts family is known to possess very good qualities, the same cannot be said about my cousin. I have never spoken to him in my life and he also lives in Pakistan. All his qualities are a word of mouth. I cannot be blindly forced into a marriage like that, it’s illogical.
Also, my mother has mentioned something about the Dad having the power to say “yes” Islamically if the daughter refuses. What is the correct Islamic ruling?
I have done Itekhara (day 2) and I still have doubts. I have also agreed to speak to my cousin within the bounds of Islam, and based on that make an informed decision.
This cousin is also my brother-in-laws younger brother and I am afraid of what the family would say and think If I refuse after having spoken to him.
This situation is also made me realise that I need to properly implement religion into my life, it’s almost a reminder. If my parents and I were already educated in the matter, we would not be facing such a conflict. Islam is a perfect way of life.
Jazak'Allah Khair
I am in dire need of advice regarding marriage. I was hoping someone more knowledgeable could shed some light on the topic. I understand that no one here is an Alim. I am trying to read what Islam says about the matter myself.
I am 23 and in fifth year of Medicine. I still have a year of studies left. I study abroad but live in England. This break I came back home from university and my parents raised the question of marriage. It's a proposal from my cousin (my Dad's nephew). Before I had gotten back, my parents were already very excited about it, as if I had already said "yes". My Dad was making comments like "I'll make your marriage dinner", and there was constant talk about marriage. This was something new and very unusual for me. When my mother sat me down and formally asked if I was happy with it, my immediate reaction was "no". I had already told my mother years ago that i did not want anyone that was from Pakistan and that was a cousin. The reason why is because I have grown up in England and my husband would not understand the temptation one faces as a child growing up in the west. The refusal to get married to a first cousin was for medical reason, as children of first-cousin marriages have increased risk of genetic disorders. My mother did not see these two as valid reasons for refusal. Fair enough.
However, two weeks before I got back and before my parents raised the question, I met a brother (or rather he met me). He noticed me at a university event and added me on Facebook. He introduced himself in writing and I had noticed that he was involved in relief work so out of curiosity I asked him that I was very much interested in doing something like that after I graduate, therefore asked him for more information. He told me how Hajj was one of the requirement so I told him how I had been to Hajj as well. Anyhow, we started talking about our experiences at hajj & messaging back and forth mainly about religion and Medicine. He was very respectful in his mannerism through these messages. He told me how he’s becoming a hafiz as well, as it was one of his wishes. Also, his activities aside from university are understanding the Quran and praying in congregation. He did not tell me these things to impress me rather a conversation that lead from one topic to another. Overall, the impression I got is that he’s a very pious brother. There’s a lots of other qualities that he mentioned which were very impressive in terms of how active he is in religion. After a few messages, I thought to myself that if he is a religious brother and he has not approached any other girl what would be his intentions. As I was oblivious, I asked my wiser and older friends for advice and they told me it maybe that he is interested in marriage and he’s only trying to get to know you. This is what triggered me to start thinking about marriage. However, the brother has not mentioned anything about marriage as yet. He is studying at the moment and so am I. I don’t even know if that’s his intentions for sure.
After my parents posed the question, I had been seriously looking into the topic of marriage. I have read and listened to various lecture on the issue of marriage. Because of my age, my parents are getting desperate about me and they continue to enforce the same proposal. After reading much into the matter & listening to talks on how you should pick your spouse Islamically, I continue to refuse on the basis that I want someone that is religious. My parents told me that my cousin was praying in congregation five times a day (I don’t know if that’s really true, it’s a word of mouth). I said to my parents that it wasn’t sufficient, and that I wish to marry an Imaam or an Alim or someone who from a young age is invested (as in actively involved) in seeking Islamic knowledge. They keep saying I can mould my husband into these things afterwards. From what I have observed from my parents’ marriage and life, my Dad has only properly been involved in Islam, as in praying in congregation and actively seeking knowledge in a recent few years. My Dad is 50 something and because of that my mum has started going towards religion. I have said to my parents that I do not want that. I want to be that active in religion now and this starts with picking someone who is pious, as in wired how you’re wired now. Why start from square one and work your way, when you can start from a 100? I want to lead a life where my children would have consistency in the knowledge they’d receive from their parents throughout, and not wait for us to get old and realise about religion and then get that knowledge or upbringing.
On the conversation of marriage, I told my mother about the brother in my university and his qualities. I do not like hiding anything from my parents, so I believe it was only correct to tell her Also, as I did not think I was doing anything incorrect. :hmm:
I am doing my independent research and my parents are being very unreasonable and somewhat desperate. My mother says she will not accept anyone from another race, while Islam clearly says we have made you into different races and tribes so you may get to know each other and advised us to pick our spouses based on religion and good character. Islam mentions nothing about race. (correct me if I AM wrong). My mother has had countless arguments with me since and every conversation has ended in tears. It’s very abnormal and unpleasant. My mother keeps mentioning that as their daughter I should have complete trust in her and that I should know whatever they’re doing is best, on the bases of their own experience. She mentions part of religion that talks about obeying your parents, not marriage. It doesn't make sense to make such an important life decision based on my parents experiences. I have never disobeyed my parents and I do not intend to. My parents further reasons (for not looking outside family) is the “fear of the unknown”, that they do not ‘know’ any other family and are therefore not willing to take the risk. I feel like I am getting married to the family, rather than a boy. While, my aunts family is known to possess very good qualities, the same cannot be said about my cousin. I have never spoken to him in my life and he also lives in Pakistan. All his qualities are a word of mouth. I cannot be blindly forced into a marriage like that, it’s illogical.
Also, my mother has mentioned something about the Dad having the power to say “yes” Islamically if the daughter refuses. What is the correct Islamic ruling?
I have done Itekhara (day 2) and I still have doubts. I have also agreed to speak to my cousin within the bounds of Islam, and based on that make an informed decision.
This cousin is also my brother-in-laws younger brother and I am afraid of what the family would say and think If I refuse after having spoken to him.
This situation is also made me realise that I need to properly implement religion into my life, it’s almost a reminder. If my parents and I were already educated in the matter, we would not be facing such a conflict. Islam is a perfect way of life.
Jazak'Allah Khair
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