marriage problem

[Hani789]

salam, hope you are both in the best of health ad imaan inshaAllaah. i wanted to seek some advice on my marriage , ive been married for two months and we are already having alot of problems . my husband is not financially stable bt at the time we were getting married he was his ontract finihsed two months. i have been extrememly patient about this as i dont believe that money would give u happiness. my husband wen he does have money doesnt give me a penny, i have not bought a single garment since we got married, and if by any chance he did give me money he would question what i did with it. another major issue is that he would go and leave alone at home even though i would ask him to stay and come bk home sometimes 5 am. when i ask him please treat me with some respect and treat me like ur sister becuase u would never have left them alone at home at that time of night especially since i live in a deserted area. when he is at home is always watching tv and if i was to say pls lets turn of the tv its a great hardship for him becus to him 'we only need to communicate when we have a problem'. he tells me stuff which are un neccesary to lie about but he still lies and uses in the name of Allaah when am 100% sure he is lying. he tries to watch por infront of me and i feel absolutely disgusted, i ask him to turn it off , so he watches it i his own time, how is this supposed to make me feel? not once have a seen him pray. another problem is that in the bedroom as soon as he is satisfied he would stop and do his stuff, and usually wants quickies, so i dont feel anything at all and wen i told him this he doesnt find it a major problem on his behalf bt insted tells me to go to da doctors becus theres something wrong with me. he doesnt satisfy me at all . as long as he gets what he wants hes done. i wanted to use contraception bt he asked me not too and promised me that he would 'pull out' in order to prevent me getting rpregnant bt he doesnt pull out and tels me it was an accident. we are not financially stable at the moment and cant afford children bt the biggest reason that i wanna use contraception is becuase our relationship is not at all stable. is there a point to this marriage? becus in just two month am already fed up imsad

 

[Ansariyah]

Re: marrisage problem

sister

I'm sorry to hear of your ordeal May Allah bring peace & harmony to your household ameen.

This man sounds like a complete disaster subhanAllah, is there someone you can talk to about this like family? Sister when you married him were you aware that he doesn't pray and watches porn?

He comes home at 5 am? I hope you don't get pregnant because this man doesn't sound like he will be there for you when you need him.

Don't waste your life with a man like this If he's not willing to change his ways. Seek the help of an Imam asap and find a way out ukthi.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Re: marrisage problem

As'Salaam Alaaykum sis

It seems someone either needs an 'emaan booster, or to have the fear of Allaah instilled into him..

The fact that there is a hadeeth regarding one who isnt considered muslim when he/she lies, but it seems he's lied in the name of Allaah, he needs to be made aware of this as its not some minor issue.

Before marriage, im assuming he wasnt 'practising' right? due to what you've mentioned, watching unsuitable stuff and not seen him pray once.

Whenever the tv is off, try to play Qur'aan in the house or put a good lecture on i.e. importance of salaah, right's of the wife according to islam, etc , so that he may listen to when he passes by, continue to do this untill he notices insha'Allaah.. at the same time turn to Allaah to grant him hidayah and trust in him also.

Also, have you tried asking/encouraged him to get a job, what was his reaction?

is there a point to this marriage?

It is about whether this may affect the life of your children which should be taken into consideration.

I hope that the brothers and sisters can post up better advice insha'Allaah

Also agree with sis Yanoorah, try to also get an imaam involved.

 

[Salahudeen]

I feel for you, you're in very hard situation, I think you should take every measure you can against getting pregnant because your environment is not a suitable one to bring kids up, I know some scholars are of the opinion that if a husband doesn't pray then it's permissible for the wife to withhold herself from him and deny him bedroom relations because they say abandoning the prayer takes 1 out of Islam, but it depends if you follow this opinion I guess, as different scholars have other opinions on this matter.

I also heard that if a husband doesn't give the wife her rights she can also withhold his rights from him until he restores her rights, but please get this double checked because I'm not sure, but if it's true then you can withhold yourself from bedroom relations with him until he starts giving you, your rights, and leaving the bedroom satisfied is one of those rights that you have as a wife, it applies both ways I was taught.

From what you've told us he's obviously in the wrong, but I'm sure there's also his side of the story to consider, you should get a third party involved to try and explain to him that how he's treating you is wrong because he's not listening to you, divorce should all ways be a last resort after all other avenues have been exhausted, so if you try to make your marriage work through counselling and all the other methods but he still doesn't change and give you, your rights, then perhaps you'll be left with no alternative but to leave him. Because I'm telling you that atm in his current condition if what you told us is accurate he's in no position to raise kids.

I think you should maybe make an action plan and if it doesn't work then its up to you if you want to stay with such a person.

As others mentioned, getting help from an imam is an option, but also what about your family?? Are they aware your having problems in your marriage? Does your mother know of these problems?? Can't they help you??

 

[Snowflake]

Sis,

Firstly, please try not to let the lack of money and not being able to afford a garment in two months of marriage become an important enough issue to feel unhappy about or to even consider divorce for.

Money is not really the problem, as people can be grateful for what little they have. It's about the kind treatment of spouses which makes a marriage last.


“and live with them honourably” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19]

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Be kind to women.’”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3153; Muslim, 1468).



If a wife refuses to respond to her husband’s request for intercourse, she has done something haraam and has committed a major sin, unless she has a valid shar’i excuse such as menses, obligatory fasting, sickness, etc. (http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/10680)


I'd be surprised to hear a scholar say that marital relations that are harming you mentally and physically are not a valid reasons. Neither does your husband pray or fear Allah in his lack of warmth and kindness toward you. Do what feels right to you.



Do consult an imaam. But if after that your husband doesn't heed good advice, then remember, Islam has given you a choice. It's not as though you want out of a good marriage with a husband who treats you well. May be if you are patient, Allah will reward you. May be.. Only Allah knows because Allah gave us the option of divorce precisely so people won't suffer a miserable marriage for life. That's not what Allah wants.