Marriage What do I do

[Hopes N Prayers]

As Salam Alykummy dear brothers and sisters

It's been 2 years since I last been on here and I sure do miss you guys. I hope everyone is in good health. Let me get to the point.So this past summer my parents brought up the marriage talk and allowed me to go search for a spouse of my own. I just turned 18 a few months back, I finished the quran alhamdullillah an I'm about to graduate in less than 3 months inshaallah. I am the oldest of 8 kids SO ya my parents though it was a perfect time for me to settle down. Alhamdullilah I had no problem with that because personally knowing myself I am mentally ready for marriage so I wasn't worried. Fast forward I met this guy and the night before we started talking I had a dream that night that me and him started to get to know each other and from there on we both fell in love with each other. He had a very rough past his father passed away when he was at a young age, his mother is old and lives in Africa and his uncle and grandmother kicked him out at the age of 17. He struggled to live on his own but he still managed it. I introduced him to my parents and he came to meet them 2 weeks after we started talking. He is a very good person My parents love him so I was happy. We continued talking and as soon as we both saw that we were compatible for each other we didn't want to waste no time and decided to get married. Once we started getting serious My family was informed. In my culture the man has to pay a crazy amount of money before he can marry the girl. My family asked for 8 thousand dollars which is not my dowry. After he pays that amount my family again wants him to buy me gold,clothes, provide a place for us to live, buy the food for the wedding, and all that extra stuff which will add up to at least around 18 to 20 thousand. Hearing this wallahi I was so shocked we both tried to talk my family to get them to reduce the price but they only took out 500 which made no difference. at this point I just feel like my family are just trying to get money and don't really see our point. on top of that he doesn't have much support everyone in his family is putting him down. I want to marry this man because I know he can keep me happy and provide for me in the long run and also because I love him for the sake of allah. I don't see why my family are all about the money because in Islam marriage is suppose to be something simple and beautiful. On top of that we are in the 21's century temptation is everywhere and we don't want to fall into since because at this point we both feel like we have no other choice but to run away with each other. We also don't want to earn the anger of allah so please someone help me out what am I suppose to do at this point all I want is for everyone to be happy in the long run but it feels like you don't always get what you want walahi I'm starting to feel heartbroken and hopeless. Please advise me as to what I should do.

 

[Aaima zahid]

Asslamoalikum
Sister i hope you are doing well. One thing that i would like to suggest you that don’t start your life with someone by leaving your parents like that. They are right about their opinion because they want your security. (If I am not wrong) secondly if that person with whom you have fell in love with if he is your destined person ... If Allah have chosen him for you nothing will be coming in your way to stop that happening. About the problem why don’t you both split the amount if you are having some saving sister. Every problem have solution try to talk with your parents politely on this matter. May Allah help you. [emoji847]

 

[Hopes N Prayers]

Asslamoalikum
Sister i hope you are doing well. One thing that i would like to suggest you that don’t start your life with someone by leaving your parents like that. They are right about their opinion because they want your security. (If I am not wrong) secondly if that person with whom you have fell in love with if he is your destined person ... If Allah have chosen him for you nothing will be coming in your way to stop that happening. About the problem why don’t you both split the amount if you are having some saving sister. Every problem have solution try to talk with your parents politely on this matter. May Allah help you. [emoji847]

Thank you for your response. Firstly I really don't want to run off with him I want try an fix things before even considering that option. I tried talking to my parents but they won't change their mind. In my culture the man has to pay what he is asked if he can't then he leaves an another man takes his place. I don't want that I fell for this specific man an I am trying to do whatever I can to live the rest of my life with. Your not wrong about if he is the one for me then nothing can stop it I'm just trying to stay strong. In shaa allah keep me in your duas and I hope everything works out I don't want to give up that's all

 

[Aaima zahid]

I will pray for you my sister... try your best ... May Allah make your life easier for you

 

[Saira Khan]

We also don't want to earn the anger of allah so please someone help me out what am I suppose to do at this point all I want is for everyone to be happy in the long run but it feels like you don't always get what you want walahi I'm starting to feel heartbroken and hopeless. Please advise me as to what I should do.

Dear Sister, this is totally a social evil and nothing to do with Islam. Yes in Islam, marriages are supposed to be simple and affording. What you should do is just keep calm and don't ever feel disheartened. Talk to your parents about this even if you think you can't convince them.
Besides all, recite Surah Al-Rahman after Isha'a prayer and seek Allah's help in the matter as well. You will see, things will get better for you in a few days in sha Allah.

 

[Hajeirah]

Sister, when I read your thread, I felt very sad for you. I prayed for you that may Allah fulfill your wishes and grant you the man of your dreams. Ameen. It is Friday --a day full of extra blessings, so I believe Allah subhanawatallah will definitely listen to all of our prayers. My dear sister, have faith in Allah. Do not fall into any sinful act. Vanish the thoughts of running away with him because no matter what, he is still a na-mehram for you. Pray to Allah and believe that everything will be alright, Inshallah. When your parents are in a good, happy mood; try to sit down and talk to them about your marriage with this man seriously. Tell them the beautiful love story of Hazrat Muahmmad(S.A.W) and Hazrat Khadija(R.A) She liked Hazrat Muhammad's(S.A.W) honesty, his sincerity and wanted to marry him. Your parents are at the wrong. First, they gave you the permission to choose a spouse of your own choice. Now, they are placing their own demands on the table. Try to change your parents minds, respectfully. Do not be rude to them at all. Tell them how the financial status of a man does not define him, but his behavior and his inner features displays his true character. Character of a man matters the most, not tons of money. In Islam, lavish weddings aren't even encouraged. Mehr should be given according to the choice of the woman. Parents aren't allowed to demand a certain sum of money. It depends on the girl--whether she wants a huge mountain of gold in mehr or just a small gift.
I can understand that maybe your parents are doing this for their daughter's safety and happiness, but when i read the mehr part, I feel like your parents are just expecting a lot of money from the man's side. I hope and pray that your parents will be more supportive of you.
But like I said earlier, have 100% faith in Allah. Everything will turn out fine, Inshallah.

 

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Assalaam,

Firstly sis, you need to remember that you are NOT married to this man. Your parents are a first priority after Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. For the man to even entertain the thought of you both running away is disrespectful to you and your parents. You may have found yourself attached to this person before marriage, but that is on you, not anyone else. You should have not gotten attached before knowing the full details of what it takes to be married. So you have to snap out of this rebellion that you are feeling. Don't put your emotions before your logic.

Secondly, your parents need to know that you will be provided for and taken care of by the person you will marry before they give you away. I do agree that some things are not considered Islamic, but either way he will need to step up and prove that he can provide for you and marry you. This is not just a cultural thing but family reassurance. Eventually the money (dowry, jewelry, clothes, etc.) will be yours, so you can always sell these things afterwards if it doesn't matter to you (although I don't think it's the best idea). You can opt for a halal wedding ceremony that will cost less than traditional weddings. You can be creative at spending less, but he has to be financially stable and ready to pay what is necessary for you to get married. You both have to be patient and I suggest to stop talking until this happens because there's no point in having these feelings and angering yourself if things aren't going well already. In fact if you are feeling resentment towards your family then it's a sign that there is something wrong with how you went about things. If he works, then he should start saving up. During that time you can continue to talk to your parents about more islamic solutions for the marriage.

Lastly, you should pray istikhara and make du'a. Stay away from doing anything haram. You really have to be at Allah's mercy and not gain His wrath. If you begin to do wrong then think of the foundation you will be setting your marriage upon? And think of the possibility that what if this person is not the person you are meant to be with?? Even if you want to be with him so bad you have to take into consideration that you are only harming yourself in the end whether you end up with him or not because this is in Allah's hands and things can go left very quickly. So be patient, tell this young man to start saving up and put his trust in Allah, you should speak to your parents and put your trust in allah, and protect your chastity until whatever is meant to happen happens. You have to be willing to accept whatever Allah gives you, even if it is not what you want at this moment. That is what true faith is about. But you are going about it the wrong way where you will do anything to get what you want even if it will upset your family and that is not correct.