Marriage

[Bungy Dude]

Assalam

1) I'm at the age where I am ready for marriage and have been for some time (aged 25), the problem I'm having is my parents are not making much of an effort to find me a suitable wife. My father is housebound due to age/illness and has mild alzheimer so unable to fully comprehend dealing with such matters and as much as an effort as my mother is making (just 1 girl shes talked about) I dont think she is looking actively. I have never said I want to get married or pushed for this as it feel wrong and embarrassing to do so.

2) The other thing is I'm striving to keep to lowering my gaze which is really difficult. I would really like to know if using these matchmaking sites is a halal way as it feels wrong as I would be looking through photos of girls and not lowering my gaze.

3) Also as Bengalis we tend to have dark skin tones, is it wrong islamically to dismiss girls who are too dark or even not that pretty i.e (just purely based on looks).

Please can any brothers or sisters give guidance

 

[Strzelecki]

Re: Muslim marriage sites?

Ahkee. Maybe try asking brothers you know or the imam at your Masjid.
I just wanted to comment on point three...

...Dark is unattractive as a definite?
I *think* it's okay to reject someone if you don't find them attractive, but by the same token... :/

 

[Beardo]

Assalam

1) I'm at the age where I am ready for marriage and have been for some time (aged 25), the problem I'm having is my parents are not making much of an effort to find me a suitable wife. My father is housebound due to age/illness and has mild alzheimer so unable to fully comprehend dealing with such matters and as much as an effort as my mother is making (just 1 girl shes talked about) I dont think she is looking actively. I have never said I want to get married or pushed for this as it feel wrong and embarrassing to do so.

2) The other thing is I'm striving to keep to lowering my gaze which is really difficult. I would really like to know if using these matchmaking sites is a halal way as it feels wrong as I would be looking through photos of girls and not lowering my gaze.

3) Also as Bengalis we tend to have dark skin tones, is it wrong islamically to dismiss girls who are too dark or even not that pretty i.e (just purely based on looks).

Please can any brothers or sisters give guidance

1. It's best you ask your close relatives, those whom you trust to keep an eye out for you. And this would also be closely related to #2. You're definitely at the age to get married. :hiding: May Allah Ta'ala make it easy for you, bro.

3. Yes, we do tend to have dark skin... But there are some light skinned bangladeshi people out there too! ;D You are permitted to marry someone for their beauty, but you should first go for the Deen.

 

[cat eyes]

Assalam

1) I'm at the age where I am ready for marriage and have been for some time (aged 25), the problem I'm having is my parents are not making much of an effort to find me a suitable wife. My father is housebound due to age/illness and has mild alzheimer so unable to fully comprehend dealing with such matters and as much as an effort as my mother is making (just 1 girl shes talked about) I dont think she is looking actively. I have never said I want to get married or pushed for this as it feel wrong and embarrassing to do so.

2) The other thing is I'm striving to keep to lowering my gaze which is really difficult. I would really like to know if using these matchmaking sites is a halal way as it feels wrong as I would be looking through photos of girls and not lowering my gaze.

3) Also as Bengalis we tend to have dark skin tones, is it wrong islamically to dismiss girls who are too dark or even not that pretty i.e (just purely based on looks).

Please can any brothers or sisters give guidance

well it would be wrong if you only wanted to marry a woman for her beauty and not anything else

But whats wrong with a woman who has dark skin?:hmm: i have seen alot of men with extremely dark skin and they look hansum

 

[Bungy Dude]

Thanks for the replies.

Theres nothing wrong with dark skin colour 'Cat eyes' but its just my whole thought was whether it was islamically wrong to say no to someone purely based on looks without even checking deen, personality etc but as 'buriedaway' says there has to be an attraction. I think this is an area for personal judgement and I would be a fool to go for looks alone which is something I will never be doing.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

HAHA Bengali aren't usually darked skinned unless you've been playing cricket out in the midday/evening sun :hmm: ;D. In terms of the matrimonial sites they are a complete waste of time, i would definitely stick to using family, friends the local mosques. Hope Allah makes it easy for you to find a suitable wife.

Take Care Brother

 

[Beardo]

HAHA Bengali aren't usually darked skinned unless you've been playing in the cricket out in the midday/evening sun :hmm: ;D. In terms of the matrimonial sites they are a complete waste of time, i would definitely stick to using family, friends the local mosques. Hope Allah makes it easy for you to find a suitable wife.

Take Care Brother

Completely agree with you. Matrimonial sites are totally not worth it. You have much more opportunity checking in your locality or "back home". Ameen to the dua.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Assalam

I have never said I want to get married or pushed for this as it feel wrong and embarrassing to do so.

Do u have a job ? Normally colleagues , friends , neighbours bring proposals in Bangladesh . If u live in BD , just tell ur khala , Mami , fupu ( aunties ) and cousins even jokingly that u are thinking of getting married . Then see , u will be under hundred biodatas and photoes lol.

photos of girls and not lowering my gaze.

lustful look is haram ; for marriage purpose ( Allah knows ur heart ) , it's allowed to see photoes and Allah knows best.

is it wrong islamically to dismiss girls who are too dark or even not that pretty

"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Reported by Al-Bukhari)​

Read more: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503544148#ixzz0huyJmS5p​

 

[Beardo]

Do u have a job ? Normally colleagues , friends , neighbours bring proposals in Bangladesh . If u live in BD , just tell ur khala , Mami , fupu ( aunties ) and cousins even jokingly that u are thinking of getting married . Then see , u will be under hundred biodatas andhotoes lol.




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lol. That's true with Desis in general.

Btw, isn't it pronounced pupu? I don't understand why people spell it afa and fufu. *facepalm*

Anyway, make sure you tell people whom you trust. You don't want people spreading rumors in your community, which might come back to harm you or your parents.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

lol. That's true with Desis in general.

Btw, isn't it pronounced pupu? I don't understand why people spell it afa and fufu. *facepalm*

Anyway, make sure you tell people whom you trust. You don't want people spreading rumors in your community, which might come back to harm you or your parents.

^^^ Thats true tell people who you can trust, however if you live in the West not always the best to bring a girl from back home :hmm:, sometimes they usually get home sick and they find it very hard to adjust to the lifestyle here, and if they don't have family here or cannot interact outside the home there life becomes very boring sitting at home. All the best Bro

furthermore off topic i don't see the difference in spelling it "fufu, phufu or pupu" all the same.

 

[Bungy Dude]

yes, have lots of family but they're all living a distance away from where we are, i work in an office with just caucasian people its difficult with work, again I'd feel embarrased to say something to friends so might have a heart to heart conversation with family which should do the trick.

Its 'fuf'u' or thats what sylheti people say anyway, I think it might be different for dhakai's.

I'm not too keen on marrying in BD just because theres a total culture difference there and for all the other reasons mentioned in below post.

off topic - how do you do the quotes in the box thing to quote somebody?

 

[noorseeker]

yes, have lots of family but they're all living a distance away from where we are, i work in an office with just caucasian people its difficult with work, again I'd feel embarrased to say something to friends so might have a heart to heart conversation with family which should do the trick.

Its 'fuf'u' or thats what sylheti people say anyway, I think it might be different for dhakai's.

I'm not too keen on marrying in BD just because theres a total culture difference there and for all the other reasons mentioned in below post.

off topic - how do you do the quotes in the box thing to quote somebody?

its fufu ,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[SMA89]

Bengalis arent dark btw. I dont know how you got that analogy but we are mixed from light to dark. My mom is light skin as a white person and my dad is dark.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Bengalis arent dark btw. I dont know how you got that analogy but we are mixed from light to dark. My mom is light skin as a white person and my dad is dark.

Depends which part of Bangladesh you are from

 

[Bungy Dude]

in uk theres a mixture, you have dark and theres light coloured, but compared to say pakistani's bengalis tend to be darker i'm sure you would agree, but what i'm saying is theres a stereotype of darker people not being attractive, before anyone objects, yes there are some very beautiful dark people.

 

[Beardo]

in uk theres a mixture, you have dark and theres light coloured, but compared to say pakistani's bengalis tend to be darker i'm sure you would agree, but what i'm saying is theres a stereotype of darker people not being attractive, before anyone objects, yes there are some very beautiful dark people.

lol. You would have slammed down Africans without adding that last part.

Anyway, that's true. In the society that we Bangladeshis live in tend to prefer fair skinned people over the darker shades of brown. I Think that's the case with the Southeast Asians in general though.

 

[SMA89]

I hate stereotypes.
Bengalis are also known to eat a lot of fish, I HATE FISH!
Bengalis are also known to be short. I AM 6'2"!
and what the **** is a pakistani bengali?

 

[S<Chowdhury]

I hate stereotypes.
Bengalis are also known to eat a lot of fish, I HATE FISH!
Bengalis are also known to be short. I AM 6'2"!
and what the **** is a pakistani bengali?

Ehhhh how you not gonna love some shukti or ilisha or rou maas man LOL, i joke ;D
True that aswell we ain't all short either, and pakistani/bengali, hmm could refer to former East Pakistan Citizens :hmm:

 

[Bungy Dude]

requires a comma, i'll let you figure it out

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalam

1) I'm at the age where I am ready for marriage and have been for some time (aged 25), the problem I'm having is my parents are not making much of an effort to find me a suitable wife. My father is housebound due to age/illness and has mild alzheimer so unable to fully comprehend dealing with such matters and as much as an effort as my mother is making (just 1 girl shes talked about) I dont think she is looking actively. I have never said I want to get married or pushed for this as it feel wrong and embarrassing to do so.

2) The other thing is I'm striving to keep to lowering my gaze which is really difficult. I would really like to know if using these matchmaking sites is a halal way as it feels wrong as I would be looking through photos of girls and not lowering my gaze.

3) Also as Bengalis we tend to have dark skin tones, is it wrong islamically to dismiss girls who are too dark or even not that pretty i.e (just purely based on looks).

Please can any brothers or sisters give guidance

In regards to your first question, brother you should push away the feelings of embarresment and see it as an obligation for you to get married ASAP because as soon as one finds it difficult to control ones desires especially in regards to finding it difficult to keep ones gaze low then that is a sign that one must try ones best to marry immediatley.

There is no need to by shy for marriage is a beautiful thing and your family and friends will respect you for wanting to marry in a legitamate manner.

You can ask all of your relatives and good friends to let you know if they come across any pious Bengali girl looking for marriage. You can ask local Masjids to also let you know because they do have a lot of proposals. Also ask of Allah is is the match maker to find you a pious and beautiful wife inshallah but make as much effort as you can at the same time and when the time is right it will happen but have full hope in Allah and trust in him.

In regards to your question about Matrimonial sites then desist from this avenue of finding a partner immediatley as these sites are more or less used as dating sites and also many women put up attractive pictures up of themselves looking all "dolled up" and the same can be said for men when looking at it from the perspective of a women so both men and women have innappropriate pictures up of themselves not dressed modestly at all. So give up this idea immediatley and stick to the avenues suggested previously.

In regards to your third question it is wrong to say that you should only look at piety and not looks at all because to a certain exten looks do matter but according to the advice of Rasulallah (Pbuh) you would rather marry an average looking girl with piety than a beautiful looking girl with no piety at all. So my answer is that do not look at skin tone at all. Look at piety and the heart and also see if there is some sort of spark there in regards to attraction and if there is then do isthikhara and ask of Allah and if the signs are positive then go ahead with it.

Hope that helped inshallah.

:wa: