married life is not as easy and fun as i thought it would be

:sl: bro scientist your heart is in the right place however it seems that you are trying to implement your own rules in to the rights of the wife in islam. theres no doubt about it i would cherish my mother inlaw and kiss the ground she walks on id spend so much time with her and never take her for granted like some people do with there mothers. i know what its like to lose a mother at a young age and the feeling is horrible.. cant put into words like you have lost an Angel so if anything id cherish my mum in law til the death.

but you seem to be judging people brother people whom you don't even know. only Allah knows this girls situation. until we are in that situation oursleves then we will know and as far as my knowledge is this sister has obligations to her own mother only and not to her husbands mother. she dose not have to live with her but be kind to her even if she dislikes her this is what islam teaches brother. she is human at the end of the day. she has a right to her own place. islam allows this brother please seek knowledge about this inshaAllah
:wa:
 
cat eyes said:
:sl: bro scientist your heart is in the right place however it seems that you are trying to implement your own rules in to the rights of the wife in islam. theres no doubt about it i would cherish my mother inlaw and kiss the ground she walks on id spend so much time with her and never take her for granted like some people do with there mothers. i know what its like to lose a mother at a young age and the feeling is horrible.. cant put into words like you have lost an Angel so if anything id cherish my mum in law til the death.

but you seem to be judging people brother people whom you don't even know. only Allah knows this girls situation. until we are in that situation oursleves then we will know and as far as my knowledge is this sister has obligations to her own mother only and not to her husbands mother. she dose not have to live with her but be kind to her even if she dislikes her this is what islam teaches brother. she is human at the end of the day. she has a right to her own place. islam allows this brother please seek knowledge about this inshaAllah
:wa:
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jazakAllah sister. I quoted from islamqa.com that she has a right to her own place. Now she can demand that place as a separate room in the same house or a separate house. Its up to her to decide inshALLAH.
 
Hmmmmm:hmm: so whats the problem?? Welcome to marriage bro:D

Part of the problem is that you both went into this thinking you were more mature than you are (about relationships). These problems are to be expected. It's not always fun and roses.

You need to get your own place. You and your wife need your space. You need to grow in a relaionship together, that is made difficult with having a house full of family, especially since you have only been married one year.

Don't let the stess of all these things pull you 2 apart. Lower your standards just a little when it comes to your living condition, you are just starting a new life together.:D You have plenty of time to worry about buying the Taj Mahal for her;D

At least this would let you start your marriage of right by being married to your wife......not the whole family:p

I know noone whants to listen to the token Christian dude here, but....I am married....and men are men......and women are women.

One more piece of advice, she is your wife now, don't ignore her feelings towards your family. And make sure to communicate, don't just keep your mouth shut, I used to be that way and it makes things worseimsad.

God give you and your wife peace and blessings, God may their marriage be long and prosperous. Ameen.
 
Originally Posted by Wa7abiScientist
I disagree. My parents have more rights on me than some run of the mill girl who I made my wife after spending 25 ish years of life with my parents. Its not Islamic to move out and leave one's parents in isolation and agony as they are aging.
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:sl: There is nothing wrong in wanting that. Any God fearing son would think twice before deserting his parents in their old age.

However, it isn't islamic either to burden a daughter-in-law beyond her capabilities. If a family is admirable in their principles of fairness and justice and treat her like a daughter, then it'll be a happy home and most women would willingly look after her husband's parents.

I strongly believe that if want something we have to make ourselves worthy of it. I'm not saying you or you're family are not. I'm pointing out something which is easily ignored in general by too many people.


:wa:
 
:sl:

AnonymousGender said:
... any room she goes into theres always some 1 there or some 1 to bother her ...
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what do mean by to bother her ?? I live in a jont family and except my bedroom , no space to go without meeting at least one person .

I don't agree with this comment that each couple should live seperately. If all leave home after marriage , then who will take care of parents ? Now a days , it's beoming common in my country that girls can't stand in laws and in many cases they force husband to send parent to old home. I wonder if they ever thought that they might face the same fate.

To the OP , if it's impossible for ur wife to live with ur parents , then try to live nearby . So that ur wife can have her own flat and u can visit ur parents regularly . U don't have to hire a big , luxurious flat . Try to convince her that there will be many rewards for each good thing u 2 are doing for family members but living in a luxurious flat won't bring u the same rewards. And Allah knows Best.

May Allah bless your marriage , Ameen.
 
Muslim Woman said:
Salaam/Peace




it's a very good point that many couples don't understand .
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Thanks. I think these young'ns think that marriage is all fun and games.....all the time. Marriage is a beautifull thing....if you work hard to keep it that way:D. They will be alright. They just need time to really get started in their new journey, it's a wonderfull journey, they will see that. You just have to be able to take the bumps in the road to happiness with eachother.......without the roadrage:raging:.lol

Oh yeah...and don't forget communication, communication, communication.......and just so they don't forget.......COMMUNICATE! ....I learned that the hard way, but who am i to give advice......everyone of these newlyweds have all the answers right?;D;D
 
Wa7abiScientist said:
I have only two parents. A unique set of two individuals. My future wife could be anyone from billion of girls. Get the idea what I meant by "run of the mill?" Sorry if it sounded strange, but I was never into becoming acquainted with the world?? A believer is a stranger.
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I am fairly sure that we agree on two things:
  1. We should love, respect and support our parents, and show them the gratitude they deserve for raising us
  2. We should respect and love our spouses, speak and think of them and act towards them in loving and caring terms

We may have different ways of putting those things into words, but our values are probably not that different.

By the way, a stranger is just a friend you don't yet know. :)

(Anyway, I am being aware that this is a thread asking for advice, so I don't want to take it off topic)
 
:sl:

mystical_moon said:
How would you feel if she felt the same way? If she wanted you to live with her parents?
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In Islam , it's men's duty to take care of and spend money for parents and family members . So , if a wife wants her husband to stay with her at her parents res , she should mentioned it earlier and not after marriage .

My friend is the only child of her parents. So , when any proposal comes , her 2 conditions are they will live near to her parent's home and she won't live in the same flat with in- laws.

It's better to settle down these matter before marriage ; so that couples do not have to fight after marriage.
 
Salams...

Lol... :X

This is the period when a wife who is not used to new situation and environment...to moan and complaining...

Lol i give her 3 years then InshaAllah she will change provided she is the very nice girl :X

Anyway akhee... is normal to find the bad things and habits about relatives. I just knew them...and i've been living closed to my relatives (only next door :uuh - we even have a door connecting to our houses) and been staying with me since i was baby... :X

and i do wish i could live on my own... just me and my small family. But i can't because my mother is staying alone and she is very close with her family. And true...sometimes we argue and had our misunderstandings. But that does not stop us from treating each other nice, show respects and just have conversations.

It takes years for me to appreciate why i've to keep on living with my family lol. Thats the time i can always help them whenever they need me and vice versa, and thats the time for me to appreciate my family more, and thats the time to make me a better person (and even to my children). And i know Allah swt will reward me for this...for being close with them and giving the hand they need.

However, i couldn't agree more that living with family takes up lots of energy, your space, your time and etc.

Alhamdulillah my husband is most wonderful, respecting my mother, my family and enjoying having conversation with them...and he is so helpful in so many ways. And i'm so grateful to Allah for my husband to be so understanding.

But i'm sure is different to a man...than a woman. A woman is not easy to tolerate different environment and situations...but she can change provided she wants to change to be a nicer person. That may takes time though... lol. As a husband you just need to understand and be there for her. If you don't like to complain her much just tell her nicely...InshaAllah she will toned down. She will understand i'm sure...is just a mater of time for her to adapt.
 
KittenLover said:
it could be akward if there's non mehram men in the same house like brother in laws, and two queen's in the same castle always end up disagreeing :p
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indeed thats true loads of sisters i know who come from pakistani family have this problem but it might be that they need dawah :) you will get reward from Allah for the intention
 
wow just checked my thread by random didint think there would be so many replies.... i have 3 brother in the house who are not married at tha moment, 2 are older and 1 younger than me, also 2 sister in the house and mum and dad. i just think its really hard to live when you have a big family and live in a terraced house and also being asian doesnt help. i really dnt wanna leave my mum but iv got to, i have to leave the house to really make my marriage work.
 
^^^InshaAllah... don't worry too much. With lots of duas and prayers InshaAllah everything will goes smoothly. You'll be in our duas :)
 
Salam Bro,

I think you need to have a long honest conversation alone with your wife about what you both need from your marriage. You may want to give her some choices, like moving into an apartment for awhile or stay living at your parents so you can save for a house. She may be able relax about your family more if she could see her dream house as a real possibility in the future. Or more likely, she will want to move as soon as possible where she can be queen of her own castle. Women (generally speaking) have a need to create their own space. You need to also tell her what you need in your marriage and how your family is of the utmost importance to you. May Allah bless your marriage and grant you peace.
 
I think you need to have a long honest conversation alone with your wife about what you both need from your marriage. You may want to give her some choices, like moving into an apartment for awhile or stay living at your parents so you can save for a house. She may be able relax about your family more if she could see her dream house as a real possibility in the future. Or more likely, she will want to move as soon as possible where she can be queen of her own castle. Women (generally speaking) have a need to create their own space. You need to also tell her what you need in your marriage and how your family is of the utmost importance to you. May Allah bless your marriage and grant you peace.
 
I think your wife needs some islamic counseling and i think you need to put your foot down. This is coming from a young women who grew up in America mind you. There are limits to everything. She is pushing hers. When a women enters a family she must learn to live with the habits of her husband and his family. It is her duty. Unless they are subjecting her to some cruelties, which in that case there would need to be other issues addressed. However if all she is doing is complaining and being rude, you need to put your foot down. When push comes to shove she will have to make a choice, what is more important.
 
Respecting the inlaws is very important but she married you not your entire family i'm assuming this whole situation comes down to culture because this whole living with your husbands family in one house is strange to me. You are however a married couple and communication is key. There should be no "my way or the highway" type attitude cause it can only lead to resentment in the long run.
salam
 
AnonymousGender said:
wow just checked my thread by random didint think there would be so many replies.... i have 3 brother in the house who are not married at tha moment, 2 are older and 1 younger than me, also 2 sister in the house and mum and dad. i just think its really hard to live when you have a big family and live in a terraced house and also being asian doesnt help. i really dnt wanna leave my mum but iv got to, i have to leave the house to really make my marriage work.
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:sl:

Brother if that is the case then she has a right to demand to live in a seperate place. Your brothers are not her mahram therefore she cannot mix with them or be around them.

A wife has a right to have her own living space and living in such cramp conditions with all of your brothers is not acceptable. You should have moved out when you first married her for it is not right for her to live with non mahrams.

I could understand if you were the only son but you have 3 brothers in your house so your mother is certainly not alone.

If it was just you and your sisters then it is understandable but as far as your situation goes right now then you should certainly move out immediatley and your wife has a right to tell you to do so.

No wonder she has been left feeling confined, restricted and claustrophobic that she feels the ned to go into the barthroom for space. She has a right to have her own personal space with you otherwise how will your relationship and marriage progress?

She cannot continue living with non mahrams so find a place nearby where you can keep close contact with your family but whatever you do move out immediatley and get your own place and inshallah things will be fine.

and Allah knows best.

:wa:
 

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