Mother of two, my Muslim boyfriend got me pregnant..advice plz

[agapi]

I guess I should start with my background. I am Greek, my family is not very religious so I have never claimed a religion. I am 28 and have two children that I had very young.. I was 16 when I was raped and got pregnant with my first child my family then kicked me out of the house and I went to stay with a friend. This friend had a brother who kept pursuing me and when my son was 1y/o we started dating, ended up living together.. had my second son at 21.. his father abused me for several years and I finally was able to get financial help to live on my own and dump him.

About two years ago I met my current boyfriend who is Muslim and a couple years younger..we were just friends.. he was going to college out of state so we would hang out when he would come home to visit. Over these two years we confided in each other and surprisingly started to fall in love.

He was a month shy of graduating and coming home for good. He said he wanted to be in a relationship and accepted me considering my past saying that he wanted to get a place with me and get married and teach me about Islam so I can convert.

I just finished nursing school and was looking forward to starting our lives together. Once he got home he was staying with his parents and would see me every other day.. at which point we became very intimate. I was using VCF, but it failed and I am now pregnant. He found out on my birthday and became hysterical screaming his life is over and right away saying I must abort the baby as his family would disown him. I do not want an abortion and feel very offended that's the first thing he could say to me. He is finished with school and so am I, we are perfectly capable of caring for this child.

If he is Muslim, he shouldn't have been having sex with me to begin with until we were married yet would tell me it's ok as we will get married eventually. I don't know much about the teachings of Islam and asked him to tell me about everything he knew, but he always hesitated so I started reading books myself and I don't feel it is right for me to have an abortion now that I have learned more about this religion. I want my sins to be forgiven and I would like advice on how to move forward..

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Greetings sister in humanity,

Thank you for sharing your experiences and issues with us so that you can get a advice and counsel from a Muslims perspective regarding your situation. Firstly what we must realise is that just because a person has a Muslim name then it doesn't mean they practice Islam as a way of life as it is meant to be practiced. Nor does it mean they have adequate knowledge of Islam as they should have. So without adopting the principles of Islam into ones life and following worldly and carnal desires then many people of Muslim heritage live as non Muslims neglecting Islam as a daily way of life.

In the case of the man who impregnated you then we cannot make a judgement as to his character however many men will say anything to a woman in order for her to lower her barriers so that he can fulfill his desires. Not only is fornication and adultery forbidden in Islam but anything that leads to it such as "dating" and even private interactions whether via internet, phone or in person are also forbidden as passions and desires are ignited in private interactions which then gradually leads to further evil. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “No man is alone with a woman but the Satan will be the third one present.”

Therefore a Muslim must stay away from anything that even comes near to fornication/adultery including private interactions unless the girls Mahram (male family member) is present and this is in order to prevent anything that may lead to evil, immorality and obscenity.

With regards to abortion then Islam regards human life sacred. Almighty Allah says:

“And verily we have honoured the children of Adam” (Surah al-Isra, V.70).

According to Islamic Jurisprudence the soul (Ruh) enters the foetus at 120 days (4 months) from conception. Therefore to abort after 4 months would be totally forbidden. The only exception is if bearing the child would put your life at risk.

Imam Ibn Tamiiyah states:

“Aborting a foetus has been declared unlawful with the consensus of all the Muslim scholars. It is similar to burying an infant alive as referred to by Allah Almighty in the verse of the Qur’an: “And when the female infant, buried alive, will be asked as to what crime she was killed for” (Surah al-Takwir, 8 ) (Fatawa Ibn Tamiyya, 4/217).

So my advice to you is to make it clear to this man that you are going to have the child regardless of what he says because it is a life and it is forbidden to abort it beyond 4 months. You must make it clear to him that he must take responsibility for his actions. So make it clear to him that it is a major sin what he has done according to Islam and that he must now accept the consequences of his actions with regards to how his family will react and also accept the responsibility of a child being born into the world which he must financially take care of. Also make it clear to him that you will have no more physical relations or contact with him nor will you meet privately with him. It may take a while for him to realise the magnitude of this situation but God willing he will eventually come to his senses. If he doesn't then it is only his loss.

With regards to any future with this man then my advice to you is to stop all physical and private contact with him immediately particularly in a private setting like in your home whereby it may be possible for passions to escalate and evil to occur. So if you must meet with him to discuss matters then meet in public places.

Make it clear to him that if he wants to be with you then he must marry you to make your relationship legitimate. Highlight to him the consequences if he were to abandon you and the child and what a detrimental impact it would have on the psychological upbringing of the child not having a father figure whilst growing up.

I would also urge you to look into Islam for yourself. Contact a local Masjid for help and resources for people looking into Islam. Get in touch with knowledgeable Muslim sisters who may help you with your research and situation.

In the meantime please refer to the following resources for those looking into Islam:

Free E Books & Resources on Islam

Why are so Many Women Turning to Islam

The Qur'an: A true miracle that can only be from God

Help/Support & Advice for anyone thinking about accepting Islam

Very useful Islamic Information for Reverts

If you need any help, advice or support in anyway then please feel free to ask as we are here to help you and anyone else that requires it.

 

[Mandy]

sister agapi, do not make a bad situation worst by taking an innocent life.
Life is sacred and should be preserved. The fears of the father of the child who is afraid of being exposed for who and what he is should not play a role in this important decision. His unborn child should not pay the price for his action.

Brother Hamza Asadullah already gave a very detailed explanation as to what should be done. Do not fear the future, as Allah will help you as long as you repent. You are embarking on a great journey, taking shahada and beginning your new life. Do not be afraid and be happy that Allah will welcome you as a muslim and will forgive your past sins.

I am unsure where you live, but also keep in mind that most places have laws that will help protect your child and force the father to pay his due share for the babies upbringing.

 

[*charisma*]

Sister agapi,

Keep your baby. Continue learning about Islam as you are and if you become Muslim, Allah will erase your sins as if you have never done them. Maybe you will be a much better in your faith than your boyfriend was. Unfortunately your boyfriend has shown his true colors. He might be terrified from his family, but he should have feared Allah first before suggesting an abortion or even having a relationship with you to begin with. Now he has to live with the consequences. Either he takes responsibility for his mistakes like a man should, repent for his sins, and rectify the situation, or he chooses the route of a coward and Allah will deal with him justly. Since you've become pregnant due to failed birth control, then this is Allah's will and take it as a sign to protect yourself and your child. This can have a positive outcome if your boyfriend thinks rationally.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Sister I'm so sorry to hear about your past. And all the cheap men you have met. And as for this guy who got you pregnant and has the audacity to ask you for abortion? This guy needs to realize his mistake and be very afraid of god. If he doesn't support you or marry you, know you deserve someone 1000x better. Not a coward who runs as soon as trouble brews. I want you to know that not all muslim men are like this. In islam men are not even supposed to touch them out of respect or even look with lust. We respect women so much as god as commanded in our religion. The man who should even be lucky to even have a child or a chance to marry someone...most people are desperate to have children or even someone to marry. I really hope you learn more about islam and learn what a beautiful religion it is and not what this person showed you...

 

[agapi]

Just an update. I told him yet again I won’t have an abortion and he keeps getting upset but then continues to try and have sex. I have been ignoring his requests. He talked to me briefly about moving to another state where it’s cheaper then when I follow up on the conversation, he ignores it. I’m so confused and can’t believe anything he promises or tells me. I’m not sure if I should give him a chance .. what if he flakes at the last minute and I’m left without a plan?

 

[Studentofdeed]

Sister you answered yourself. This man ignores your conversation. You are pregnant with his child and he is ignoring you and isnt even taking consideration of what you have and are going through. And on top of that he doesnt even feel shame but even has the audacity to try to have sex with you again...it shows he hasnt even realized the reality of his situation. He is only angry and afraid because you may expose him. Just ignore him, and best move on because you deserve someone far better. Not a man who likes playing mind games and isnt even a proper man himself

 

[Mandy]

Just an update. I told him yet again I won’t have an abortion and he keeps getting upset but then continues to try and have sex. I have been ignoring his requests. He talked to me briefly about moving to another state where it’s cheaper then when I follow up on the conversation, he ignores it. I’m so confused and can’t believe anything he promises or tells me. I’m not sure if I should give him a chance .. what if he flakes at the last minute and I’m left without a plan?

Congratulation on having made the right decision dear sister even if it does not now seem to be the easiest one. May your baby be healthy and bring you much joy.


As for that man, it is hard for us to be certain since we do not know him. However, it certainly sound like he is someone who will shy away from his responsibility and will not be trust wordy. You should try to make other arrangements. Moving to another state sounds strange. Are things so less expensive in another state?
Or does he simply want to take you away from his family so he will feel less shame?
Or does he want you away from your friends and support so that you are isolated and unable to refuse his demands?

I would advise that you be very careful.
Also a man who one moments tells a women to kill the child he himself placed in her, then the next moment asks for sex does not sound like the kind of person you would want to be involved in. A responsible and honorable man would have asked you to marry him right away and he would have pledged to support you and the child. Be very careful dear sister.

 

[HanNahZhavia]

Just an update. I told him yet again I won’t have an abortion and he keeps getting upset but then continues to try and have sex. I have been ignoring his requests. He talked to me briefly about moving to another state where it’s cheaper then when I follow up on the conversation, he ignores it. I’m so confused and can’t believe anything he promises or tells me. I’m not sure if I should give him a chance .. what if he flakes at the last minute and I’m left without a plan?

Hi sister, how are you? It's 2022, I would love to hear and read your update.