Mother vs wife

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altaf.786

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To know more about the background of my life struggle please see my other posts.


To cut the story short my mum & siblings are agaisnt my wife and believe she is a lier, conducts black magic and cant cook or clean properly.


Therefore,


They want me to send her back home (saudia arabia) for couple of months or move out on the basis that I will have no connection with my family (mother & two siblings) anymore till death. My mother isn't the sort of persoon who would forgive and forget so me moving out means end with my family..


Now, on one side my wife has/is doing whatever it takes to please them i.e wash, clean, cook etc but it isnt working at all.


My mum is not well and blames my wife to be the reason for this and has told me I EITHER SELECT MY WIFE OR HER AND I HAVE THIS WEEKEND TO DECIDE.


What shall I do?
 
Brother I think that you should stay with your wife if she's living according to Islam and she is pleasing to you. Let your mother choose. Never break the ties of kith and kin. Always be there for your mother
 
Your mom and siblings are abusing their position and oppressing you and your and your wife's islamic rights. They are in the wrong and getting sins for it. If you send your wife to saudi then you won't be able to get her back. They want you to send her away and if you ever try to get her back they'll give you the same ultimatum of 'bring her back and forget us' deal. You should consult with an imam and have him talk to your family.

Otherwise, in my opinion i think you should move out. If your mom doesn't want anything to do with you then that is her loss and sin on her. But you need to take a stand for what is right and not be abused by them like that because you are also hurting your wife as well by this. They may not come around right away out of their stubbornness but when they see you living your life happily on your own then they'll have to either come around and get over their dramas or learn to live in their hateful world.

And don't think it's your responsibility to take care of them. She has more than one son and that sister of yours that wears the pants in the family can help out as well. Stop being emotionally black mailed by them.
 
Take your wife and stay somewhere else but keep in touch with your mother whether or not she talks. Keep patience even she insults you.
 
ok no offence..

but imo some people are true reflections of ourselves.

what they do without understanding can be very disheartening to those of guilty concience or those that understand their own faults.

iv been through this myself at times and i know that if allah swt does not want to conceal faults then it is utterly apparent.

this is not the same as intentional behaviour imo, which is a reflection of our own selves also.

there are people that would punish or forgive the above..

and i cant really help you there.


believe me, some people could put you in hospital with a conversation.. (dont actually take my word for it, most people are going where they are going either way.)

...


although upon the believers... loosely paraphrased, there should be no fear and nor shall they grieve..

im not even sure about context but there you go.
 
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Thanks for your replies. I have been reading manzil (collection of surah) for protection against shaitaan since yesterday. I am torn between my mother and my wife to the point where sometimes I feel I should just kill myself. I know its haram but to end this and my wife feels the same.

I don't understand why mothers want there son to get marriage if they are so possessive..If this was the case then why did my mum want me to get married why ruin and torture someone else's life.

My wife isn't happy with all this her parents aren't nor am I.. some of the things I go through are:

- cant close my room door when going to sleep.
- cant sit with my wife on the same sofa
- cant sit with my wife in the cinema
- cant eat with my wife
- not allowed to take my wife out for a meal
- Have to sit in the lounge till my mother gets up to go to sleep
- Constant abuse on how I have ruined my mums/sisters/brothers life by getting married
- Choose me or her your just like your father
- Sitting in the lounge for hours and no one would say anything
- Working my life away for there betterment but get nothing in the end just sorrows
- Scared to go home as fights might happen
- No respect from any of my siblings no one even looks at me or my wife
- MAIN reason why my mother's head spins and she has high blood pressure/sugar


Why is life so cruel? All I want is to be HAPPY

My mother has raised me alone and I am indebted to her but why do I have to pay for everything..Infront of me my brother goes our every weekend with his friends yet I cant move because if I was to GO by the time I return my luggage will probably be kicked out...

They claim that my wife has done black magic. If I ask for proof they shut me up by saying well you want proof now..

They say my wife is a lier which to be honest only allah knows..

They say sending her back on a one way ticket is the only solution and only then I get to stay at my OWN home which I been paying mortgage. But my mum gave us the deposit to start with...

When I found out that my mother's head spins I used to apply oil in her hair kiss her feet massage her yet my brother goes out and my mum has no problem..
 
I think your mother needs some sort of professional help. I am not doc but there might be some sort of disease what causes kind of behaving. Or has she been like this all hers life? But letting her to dictate your life doesn´t help anyone.
 
Salaamu calaykum,

Firstly its sad that you are in such a situation and ofcourse it is your test from Allah for Allah test those whom he loves. I personally would not leave your wife and ill explain why. I would advise you to recognise that if you let your wife go away from you and its not your fault then you could have failed your responsibility as a husband, to look after her. As you've mentioned she isn't doing anything wrong and I don't see why she deserves such a punishment to go back home. Of course if she's sent to her old house she will feel dispair that something was wrong with her when in reality she was doing her role as a wife for you. If someone is doing wrong we shouldn't allow them to overpower us and show them that they're wrongdoings are justified. I can understand no one wishes to disrespect their mother as she is the one who bore you. But at the moment, your mother is being unjust to your wife. So you need to stand your ground as a true Muslim.

And if someone is being unjust to someone else you shouldn't agree with the unjust behaviour just because its your mother. Rather you should show her what she's done wrong and explain to her to fear Allah as you are afraid of him. Remember you are Allahs servant and your responsibility is to obey his orders. If your mother is treading the wrong path you shouldn't agree with her and prove your mother right by sending her away. She could another day say easily do something worse and you'd agree with it. Marriage is half your deen and this shouldn't be taken lightly. You shouldn't fail your wife when she is innocent. Pray to Allah that he grants love for your wife in her heart - Allah is our protector and he can perform any miracle. Pray Tahajjud prayer and do your research on what you should do. InshaAllah I hope you find the right answer. That's my opinion.

However, do read this I hope it helps.

https://islamqa.info/en/141628

Wishing you the best sucess.
 
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sister herb said:
I think your mother needs some sort of professional help. I am not doc but there might be some sort of disease what causes kind of behaving. Or has she been like this all hers life? But letting her to dictate your life doesn´t help anyone.
Click to expand...

I believe every parent wants the best for their child, and marriage is the last thing they can give to their children which is good. I do not believe any mother or father will cause problems with their children once married, simply because they are living adult lives with responsibilities and it's not easy - takes team work.

Thus, I believe that this brothers mother, is possibly affected by black magic or jinn, as the brother mentioned in the OP... I therefore believe the first thing he should do is have rukya performed on each member of the household, starting with his wife first - as she will be the most willing to go first and prove her innocence - after that, the mother should have rukya done next, and each family member also, including himself.

Oh, and the house too.

If, after all this, the problems persist, I would recommend seeing a mental health team in sha Allah. No one should have to suffer like this in their own household - and in this instance, the whole family is sufferring.

And Allah knows best.

Scimi
 
altaf.786 said:
Thanks for your replies. I have been reading manzil (collection of surah) for protection against shaitaan since yesterday. I am torn between my mother and my wife to the point where sometimes I feel I should just kill myself. I know its haram but to end this and my wife feels the same.

I don't understand why mothers want there son to get marriage if they are so possessive..If this was the case then why did my mum want me to get married why ruin and torture someone else's life.

My wife isn't happy with all this her parents aren't nor am I.. some of the things I go through are:

- cant close my room door when going to sleep.
- cant sit with my wife on the same sofa
- cant sit with my wife in the cinema
- cant eat with my wife
- not allowed to take my wife out for a meal
- Have to sit in the lounge till my mother gets up to go to sleep
- Constant abuse on how I have ruined my mums/sisters/brothers life by getting married
- Choose me or her your just like your father
- Sitting in the lounge for hours and no one would say anything
- Working my life away for there betterment but get nothing in the end just sorrows
- Scared to go home as fights might happen
- No respect from any of my siblings no one even looks at me or my wife
- MAIN reason why my mother's head spins and she has high blood pressure/sugar


Why is life so cruel? All I want is to be HAPPY

My mother has raised me alone and I am indebted to her but why do I have to pay for everything..Infront of me my brother goes our every weekend with his friends yet I cant move because if I was to GO by the time I return my luggage will probably be kicked out...

They claim that my wife has done black magic. If I ask for proof they shut me up by saying well you want proof now..

They say my wife is a lier which to be honest only allah knows..

They say sending her back on a one way ticket is the only solution and only then I get to stay at my OWN home which I been paying mortgage. But my mum gave us the deposit to start with...

When I found out that my mother's head spins I used to apply oil in her hair kiss her feet massage her yet my brother goes out and my mum has no problem..
Click to expand...

This is very extreme. Reading the rules your mother enforces. If your married to your wife your mother should recognise that you have other responsibilities and that you don't belong just to her. As a husband you should show affection to your wife thats your duty to show that you love her. To care for her and protect her as Allah orders you. Honestly if this is a persisting problem you're gonna have to move out because matters are already worse if you lose your wife youve got your mother - but Allah would be unhappy for the injustice. However if you live with your wife, your mother is going to be angry (But Allah will be there to understand you stood by your rights). Allah does not give us any test beyond what we can bear and we need to try and help ourselves as much as we can. Allah knows best and you need his ultimate support in this situation!
 
altaf.786 said:
Thanks for your replies. I have been reading manzil (collection of surah) for protection against shaitaan since yesterday. I am torn between my mother and my wife to the point where sometimes I feel I should just kill myself. I know its haram but to end this and my wife feels the same.

I don't understand why mothers want there son to get marriage if they are so possessive..If this was the case then why did my mum want me to get married why ruin and torture someone else's life.

My wife isn't happy with all this her parents aren't nor am I.. some of the things I go through are:

- cant close my room door when going to sleep.
- cant sit with my wife on the same sofa
- cant sit with my wife in the cinema
- cant eat with my wife
- not allowed to take my wife out for a meal
- Have to sit in the lounge till my mother gets up to go to sleep
- Constant abuse on how I have ruined my mums/sisters/brothers life by getting married
- Choose me or her your just like your father
- Sitting in the lounge for hours and no one would say anything
- Working my life away for there betterment but get nothing in the end just sorrows
- Scared to go home as fights might happen
- No respect from any of my siblings no one even looks at me or my wife
- MAIN reason why my mother's head spins and she has high blood pressure/sugar


Why is life so cruel? All I want is to be HAPPY

My mother has raised me alone and I am indebted to her but why do I have to pay for everything..Infront of me my brother goes our every weekend with his friends yet I cant move because if I was to GO by the time I return my luggage will probably be kicked out...

They claim that my wife has done black magic. If I ask for proof they shut me up by saying well you want proof now..

They say my wife is a lier which to be honest only allah knows..

They say sending her back on a one way ticket is the only solution and only then I get to stay at my OWN home which I been paying mortgage. But my mum gave us the deposit to start with...

When I found out that my mother's head spins I used to apply oil in her hair kiss her feet massage her yet my brother goes out and my mum has no problem..
Click to expand...

There is your problem right there, in red (above).

You need to take your mother to counselling. and get psychological treatment for her.

But first you need to see if you haven't been paying enough attention to your mother and maybe making her feel abandoned? Maybe you should take her out to dinner sometimes or ask her opinion of stuff, you know, make her feel important and that you pay attention to her. I mean, has your behavior toward her chnged since you got married? Sometimes a guy showers his all the attention on his wife and neglects other family members and maybe you can't see that your behavior has changed?

As for you not being able to do other stuff, you really need to get a place of your own, even if it's in the same house and give your wife space of her own (where others can't see what you're doing.) So they won't be able to see u sitting on the sofa with your wife, etc. Actually, in some cultures the husband and wife never sit together in front of other people, even in front of their children. It's not the right way, but it's like that in some cultures and I guess you should be sensitive to your mother's culture. Your wife also has to do hijab from your brother and shouldn't live in the same house with your brother. It is islamically incorrect. And just having your own room is not enough. Her living area should be separate so she doesn't have to run into your brother or have to wear hijab all the time.

Finally, if your mother is making complications like not letting you have a space of your own, not letting you close the door of your room, it means that she's suffering from a psychological problem and needs to get treatment for that. It's kind of like displacement anger. She needs to accept that you need to be in a normal relationship with your wife and if she needs medical treatment to get over this, then that's what she should.

Finally, if nothing else works, just move to another house with your wife and keep visiting your mother / siblings often. When they can't see you all the time in the same place with your wife, they won't be so bothered.
 
:sl:

You need to set your boundaries and know your rights or you will be walked all over. It might be difficult at first but once you r able to establish this - it will turn the tables around. For starters, you need to put your younger brother in his place - I mean , he is supposed to be a guy - not acting like the women of the house. You need to have a private man to man talk with him. He needs to understand who picks up the financial responsibility in the house and if he doesn't behave - soon he will be doing that and it won't be easy. He also needs to understand that today it is your wife - tomorrow it will be his if things carry on the way they are.
 
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M.I.A. said:
..and sorrow


although i dont know arabic, could mean anything..

i think that bits in the pickthall one.

camt usually get a sentence out without someone tripping me up. "/
Click to expand...

Follow Qur'an with tafsir bro, it really enriches the experience and fleshes out the bones of the ayaat in more detail, with deeper understanding from the anthropology and sympathetic process of history, as told by those scholars who knew the schisms and nuances involved.

I read that you have found it hard to follow the abridged online version of Tafsir Ibn Kathir. Keep at it. And remember. The Qur'an is the only revelation which asks you to "think, ponder, consider, reflect, reason"... that to me is amazing, no other holy book challenges the seeker.

So challenge the book, investigate it, learn to seek the subtle and profane together.

The experience is absolutely awe inspiring.

Scimi
 
M.I.A. said:
..and sorrow


although i dont know arabic, could mean anything..

i think that bits in the pickthall one.

cant usually get a sentence out without someone tripping me up. "/


anyway again, maybe i didnt mean suicide..

but rather the feelings the world imposes upon us.. that can lead us to our ends.

i apolagise again.
Click to expand...
It's nothing to apologize about. I would suggest getting a sahih international translation of Quran. Inshallah

Authentictauheed.com
 
ok well just a message to OP, dont think it weakness that you feel the way you do..

i hope you find the strength to not follow the charade that most people call life.

...what you think this is? eastenders? (that one really did nearly cause a punch up)

...i really nead to learn how to talk properly.
 
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My mother fell down today due to her dizziness I tried to to confront her but she pushes me away..

I know according to Islam I should just move out as my wife is suffering but its very difficult for me as my mother doesn't have anyone who could support her financially and emotionally..

I didn't know marriage can lead to this many issues..

On the other hand my wife is demanding me to take her out as she thinks this is all a drama that my mum is doing because as per her as soon as I leave home she becomes fine and she is only doing this to emotionally blackmail me.

I don't know who to believe to be honest I can see that my mothers health in general is deteriorating.

Every-time I ask my mum that how will sending my wife back to saudia help her become better she replies "it will and how she is the reason for her health deteriorating"

Sometime I feel that I should send my wife back for couple of days and see what exactly happens but then this is wrong morally..

Also if I try and convince my wife to go back just for a couple of days she replies "I rather commit suicide then going back to saudia"

Now this doesn't leave me with a lot of options.
 
In my opinion, your wife comes first in this situation. We are to obey our parents in everything but not which is haraam and abandoning your wife is going against your duties and responsibilities as a husband. Women leave all they know and oftentimes start their lives over to go live with their husbands, it would be very unkind and unjust to dump your wife because your mother blames her problems on your her.

Sounds to me like your mother wants more love and attention from you and she may be jealous of your wife. Yes, it happens. It doesn't make anyone bad or evil, just human. How do your siblings treat your mom, who spends time with her (real quality time) and when?

Have a talk with your mother and tell her you will not be choosing between the two of them. You can move, but your brother better be ready to step up to the plate, otherwise you stay with your wife and she will be treated fairly. You have to wear pants and put your foot down. Don't tolerate emotional blackmail.
 

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