Mother vs wife

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I think your mother is a big drama queen. She just exploit your emotional hesitation and if you send your wife away and later marry again, same drama starts again.

Live happily with your wife, is my advice.
 
My mum is speaking to my father in law as we speak. My mum reckons that sending my wife back to saudia for 3 months will resolve all her issues. But this doesn't make sense to me.

My wife threatened me today that she would rather commit suicide than going back to saudia. I mean both mum and wife are giving me such a hard time.

I know that moving out with my wife will mean a peaceful life (i hope) but recently I have moved out with her currently staying out in the hotel as my wife refuses to accept her. But I have noticed that there are certain things about my wife which are drifting me from her too i.e. she shouts so much even if i mention that she should just go saudia to visit her parents and I will call her back. She goes I trust you BUT not your parents I feel that they would send me divorce papers and how she wont be allowed in anymore. But she doesn't understand that I will decide what will happen rather than anyone else.

Also, what I want ideally is that my wife goes for 2 weeks spends time with my family and in that way my mum also gets sakoon that shes gone and her zid has been accomplished and then returns. But everytime I say this to my father in law or my wife they all start screaming at me and get all wound up about this by saying that this isnt the right way so are you going to send my daughter everytime now.

I am saying in return that NO if after this my mum doesn't become sober then I will defo move out because then I have a valid reason as in I cant be sending my wife everytime. The problem is my wife did get angry and argued with my mum and that clearly shown that she doesnt respect my mother but I understand why.

Now my mother the other day when I went to meet her said to me "look son, ur wife shouts at you, ur father in law doesnt listen to you, I am only worried because one day when I am not alive you will have to deal with them for the rest of your life and if things arent put right now then they will never be and you will always get suppressed which I dont want because I can see people use you. I want to die in peace that I have left my son in good hands"

This made me very emotional and I started thinking about my wife's action and to be honest testing my in laws. I said I cant afford two houses therefore I would request you to help me with the deposit so i can buy a house. They at first used to say themselves that your our son and if anytime you need anything let us know. But since I said this they kind of drifted and dont even talk to me much (my father in law is loaded and is a business man) Anyways my wife goes I dont want to ask them anymore so this ended. But my father did say to my wife that he is ready to pay our rent for 1 year until things get sorted.

Also on the other side I don't know who is right who is wrong everyone is playing with me.
 
:facepalm: if your father in law is willing to pay living expense for a full year while you sort your stuff with your mother, then take it. Wear some pants and stop allowing emotional blackmail.

Your wife has rights and of course she would yell at you for the ridiculousness she is having to live through. I would do the same.

How long have you been married?
 
I have been married 1 and a half year out of which my wife spent 10 months in Saudia.

I understand her mental condition and I know am getting emotionally blackmailed but the problem is my love for my mother.

My mother spoke to my father in law and they couldn't end with a conclusion infact it has got worse because my mother told my father in law that I have given my wife the ultimatum that she either goes saudia or I am giving her divorce.

The issue isn't about wearing the pants its about my love for my mother and everything that she has done as a single mother. Currently I have been living out for the past week but what amazes me is that nor my sister or my brother has rang to ask if am alive or not. I am a very senty and emotional person I get attached very easily with people and if then they deceive me it pains me so much that it gets difficult for me to bear.

After my mother spoke to my father in law she rang me and said "Either send her to Saudia or divorce her" its up to you now.

On the other hand my wife and father in law are so scared they are telling me that they will not go back to Saudia because they think i will divorce her. I told my wife that you need to calm down and trust me if I wanted to divorce you then I would have right now but I don't want to. Why don't you understand.
 
altaf.786 said:
I have been married 1 and a half year out of which my wife spent 10 months in Saudia.

I understand her mental condition and I know am getting emotionally blackmailed but the problem is my love for my mother.

My mother spoke to my father in law and they couldn't end with a conclusion infact it has got worse because my mother told my father in law that I have given my wife the ultimatum that she either goes saudia or I am giving her divorce.

The issue isn't about wearing the pants its about my love for my mother and everything that she has done as a single mother. Currently I have been living out for the past week but what amazes me is that nor my sister or my brother has rang to ask if am alive or not. I am a very senty and emotional person I get attached very easily with people and if then they deceive me it pains me so much that it gets difficult for me to bear.

After my mother spoke to my father in law she rang me and said "Either send her to Saudia or divorce her" its up to you now.

On the other hand my wife and father in law are so scared they are telling me that they will not go back to Saudia because they think i will divorce her. I told my wife that you need to calm down and trust me if I wanted to divorce you then I would have right now but I don't want to. Why don't you understand.
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Brother first of all salaam. May Allah's peace and blessings be with you.

Its a very difficult and also very absurd situation as it has been pushed too far I can understand. But why don't you move out with your wife? And then place the burden of paying and looking after your mother on your siblings. Because im sure if youre mother really loves you she will realise the difference and the importance you made in her life.

Somehow you need to make her feel this absence. She wouldn't appreciate you if you don't do the same thing. Live out, and somehow show her the pain that your wife has to go through if she lives by herself. She won't understand what it feels like to lose something important unless you show her. At the moment I'm not sure if she knows or not.. but she's in the wrong clearly. She's clearly using your niceness to get to you. She's more than emotionally blackmailing you. Your mother is supposed to support you when you're going through difficult times and when you're suffering. She's supposed to be that guidance in life. Your wife was chosen by you. You clearly brought her here. She deserves respect and its very unfair of how she's being treated. Its very understandable if shes getting frustrated because clearly who wouldn't? She's in a position she may lose her husband forever or she may make him lose his mother.

Honestly, you need to keep praying to Allah. This is a very heavy test and clearly the rewards are immense no matter what you do don't show your mother that she is right. In Islam we teach that the truth is the ultimate way. We shouldn't agree with someone even if they are abusing their rights. If it gets to a point your mothers not softening up then you're gonna have to definitely leave. Allah is with you remember that, we have to stand up against injustice. Youd rather follow Allahs way than the wrong way tbh. If you do injustice to your wife remember she can claim on the day of judgement whether she wants you to be punished or not. And that's very scary. Allah doesn't appreciate us treating people injustly. So fear Allah rather than what your mother is imposing on you.

Remember when you got married you made a promise to Allah to treat her fairly, to stand by her side and even against injustice. Don't forget your promise to Allah. A muslim does never go against their promise. You need to realise this. Yes you will have to leave your mother but who told you that Allah cannot perform miracles and soften her heart one day. She has baseless hate towards your wife and she is behaving immaturely which is very unfair. You need to trust Allah right now and go towards the path of truth. Leave the rest up to Allah. Atleast you know that you wouldn't be held accountable on the day you return to Allah for siding by your wife since you was obeying Allah and this in Allahs eyes is better than anything.

Wishing you the best sucess in this situation and I hope my advise was logical and easy to follow through! The rest is up to you but we can solely keep you in our prayers!
 
altaf.786 said:
My mum is speaking to my father in law as we speak. My mum reckons that sending my wife back to saudia for 3 months will resolve all her issues. But this doesn't make sense to me.

My wife threatened me today that she would rather commit suicide than going back to saudia. I mean both mum and wife are giving me such a hard time.

I know that moving out with my wife will mean a peaceful life (i hope) but recently I have moved out with her currently staying out in the hotel as my wife refuses to accept her. But I have noticed that there are certain things about my wife which are drifting me from her too i.e. she shouts so much even if i mention that she should just go saudia to visit her parents and I will call her back. She goes I trust you BUT not your parents I feel that they would send me divorce papers and how she wont be allowed in anymore. But she doesn't understand that I will decide what will happen rather than anyone else.

Also, what I want ideally is that my wife goes for 2 weeks spends time with my family and in that way my mum also gets sakoon that shes gone and her zid has been accomplished and then returns. But everytime I say this to my father in law or my wife they all start screaming at me and get all wound up about this by saying that this isnt the right way so are you going to send my daughter everytime now.

I am saying in return that NO if after this my mum doesn't become sober then I will defo move out because then I have a valid reason as in I cant be sending my wife everytime. The problem is my wife did get angry and argued with my mum and that clearly shown that she doesnt respect my mother but I understand why.

Now my mother the other day when I went to meet her said to me "look son, ur wife shouts at you, ur father in law doesnt listen to you, I am only worried because one day when I am not alive you will have to deal with them for the rest of your life and if things arent put right now then they will never be and you will always get suppressed which I dont want because I can see people use you. I want to die in peace that I have left my son in good hands"

This made me very emotional and I started thinking about my wife's action and to be honest testing my in laws. I said I cant afford two houses therefore I would request you to help me with the deposit so i can buy a house. They at first used to say themselves that your our son and if anytime you need anything let us know. But since I said this they kind of drifted and dont even talk to me much (my father in law is loaded and is a business man) Anyways my wife goes I dont want to ask them anymore so this ended. But my father did say to my wife that he is ready to pay our rent for 1 year until things get sorted.

Also on the other side I don't know who is right who is wrong everyone is playing with me.
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Okay listen your mother telling you if she dies what she thinks is going to happen isn't good enough. She cant be so sure that something's gonna happen if she dies. She wants to really get to your mind and hate your in-laws.

You need to be smarter than this. You shouldn't be so easily trusting of seeing others in a bad light. Your father-in-law clearly didn't give you his daughter so you can rely on him. He wants you to try your best and then you can really ask for help when you need it. Plus he clearly offered to help for a year rent? So whats the big problem? In my eyes at the moment he doesnt seem to be in the wrong at all. You need to come into the terms that you're an adult now. Things are going to be harder, you will have to rely less on people and strive your way through it. Thats life unfortunately we need to seriously accept it!

Right now, stop doubting things that's just going to make you a negative person. See things in a positive light ( I know its hard to at the moment). But you have to, put on a clear scope of glasses that allow you to see things for how it is! If you doubt things you're only gonna be a monster to yourself. You might have taken it too far that you can't ever go back.

Im so confused as to what your mother hates about your wife. Clearly, all of this has reached a stage of embarassment, when you get married both families have to be compatible. Why is it after being married and allowing the marriage stage she wants to cause problems now. Does she not want you to be happy? And what is good for you? Does she not fear Allah that she's being unjust? You really need to think about these things bro, because its really weird seriously.
 
Bascially this is how I got married:

My mum found this proposal via a matrimonial site she finalised two girls at the end and said just pick one obviously after meeting them.

We went to see one in dubai but due to some incompatibility it didn't go ahead. The other one (my wife) was in saudia I selected her and said I have spoken to her and she seems ok for me. Families spoke and my mum involved my uncles and they also said that we think this proposal is good. My mum had her reservations at the very start i.e shes the same age as you, her family seem to be more simple (backwards).

Anyways all of us decided to meet up meanwhile I got really involved and so did my wife and we amongst ourselves decided we will get married. On the day we met the very first time my mum said the same thing age, culture, backward therefore I don't fully agree with this proposal but if you like her then I dont have any issues. She spoke to my uncles and they also said that shes fine and you cant get everything in life. Them my siblings came and met my wife they also have the same issues as my mother. We ended up getting married. Allah's plan.

After the marriage my mother was angry at me and started pin pointing things like they didn't do things properly etc etc I ignore and carried on as it was done by now. And then all those issues please read my other posts. The main problem I see is ACCEPTANCE they don't want to accept her at any cost however there are few things that my wife should change but the issue is that she doesn't too i.e not to talk back as a sign of respect but she does speak back and in a laud voice which my mother refuses to accept. This is only after they keep torturing her.

My mothers explanation is that this women (wife) is manipulating with your brain and will use you when god forbid I am not alive and how I want to hand your over someone good before I die. For example since I got married I stopped doing what I used to do with my brother/sister because my wife had occupied me and my time. She said she is controlling you son you don't understand or see this. The other issue is my wife hates criticism even if I tell her that can you do this this way she comes back to me and says I bet your mum said this as you were not like this before so we end up arguing with each other.

My wife isn't perfect nor am I and I believe no one is but she has one good attribute which is loyalty. My mother can be bad or whatever but I know she loves me and wants the best for me. There is a big big culture gap between us and her family. They do things in certain way.

I am going to speak to a mufti tonight as he told me to read manzil (collection of versus from quran for protection against sihr). The truth is I am fed up with everyone and somewhere down the line I feel that I should have got married to a girl where everyone had agreed upon not just my uncles but my own immediate family. But what I say to them in return is that now its done and you cant crush my wife and her in laws for our own wrongdoings. My wife said to me that if your mum didn't agree why the hell did I get married to her I should have refused but I thought is should have been my decision to get married.

My wife's demanding nature is getting to me
My mums unlawful doings is getting to me
My siblings hatred against me is getting to me

Somewhere down the line I actually just want to run away from all this and live alone tension free not have to worry about this whole duniya and the characters I am dealing with.

- My wife is worried that if I divorce her what will her future be.
- My siblings are worried that if he doesn't leave his wife then how will things get back to normal with them and worrying about there life and what they want
- My mother is worried that my sons is in wrong hands and how I have changed


Everyone is worried for some thing or the other but no one really thinks about ME.
 
Sounds to me like your mom is manipulating you, not your wife. She raised you alone and she feels entitled to have some sort of say so about your decisions. She also depends on you and has no husband to keep her company.

We ALL change when we get married. Our relationships with family members change and a spouse comes before siblings and parents. This is NORMAL. Wait until your siblings get married and see what happens.

If your mom told you she had no problem if you choose this woman as your wife, she cannot go back on her word now. We all have different temperaments and some of us will not abide by cultural norms. Getting into it with inlaws is not uncommon, especially in the first few years. I have been blessed with a super flexible, loving and soft spoken mother in law, Alhamdullilah and I managed to get in an argument with her :nervous:. It happens and it is part of getting used to a new person and building a new relationship.

Your mom doesn't like that she can't control your wife. She probably wants you to go find a doormat who will take ill treatment. Don't let her pull your emotional strings.
 
Okay reading this I simply have one solution. I hope its not too late. I'd say to you that you bring all the parties together okay? This yes will be difficult if youre mother isn't gonna cooperate but you have to tell your mother listen we're gonna all sit together today and we need to talk. Order some food or make really nice food at home basically, make it a joyous occasion (kind of). Get your uncles, your sister/brother, wife and your mother in one place.

Now you sit in the middle of the situation you need to let everyone have a go at what their problems are. When you ask them also ask them how they think they can change? Sometimes someone does something but they need others to tell them. Im aware you said your wife doesn't take criticism but if she sees everyone else is she should loosen up a little. From this let your mother start (to show her you respect her), then let your wife go next. When everyone finishes tell them your feelings too. So then everyone hears how you feel. Sorry I forgot to put your siblings before yourself. This way they're gonna be aware about how you feel and how they all made you feel at the same time. Because its more effective when everyone hears it. Then you talk about how you can change things.

If for example your mother doesn't like your wife's cooking - tell her to teach her. They can learn together. I feel like you guys need to bond as a family this is clearly impacting your lives because everyone's seperated and no one is connected with one another. You guys need to put your differences aside and improve on it and also to deal with it together.

Thats what families are for honestly. And you need to help bring this change about. Moving out and all this isn't worth the hassle. It brings more seperatkon rather being the man of the house bring unity and closeness. Bring happiness, smiles and enjoyement back into the house. Take them out shopping and even walking and stuff.

Yes it takes time but things make actually work if you see it from this perspective try it and see how it goes!!
 
Brother, I understand that because she is your mother you might feel like you have to listen and go with everything she says. But when this is causing discord in your married life, and trespassing on the rights of your wife, it's your duty as her husband to stand up for her rights.

This has gone much further than most women would tolerate, and I'll say as delicately as possible your mother might be suffering from some form of illness which is causing such possessive and drastic behaviour, which would need to be addressed. Or maybe she has been through some things in life which is sparking this chronic need to cling on to you, out of fear of 'losing' you?

It is sad that in certain cultures there always seems to be this 'forced' competition between a mother and wife, as if they're mortal enemies that can never live happily together. Why? Their roles are so fundamentally different, yet equally important, there's no need for competition. To divorce your wife or send her back to her parent's home when she has done nothing would be an injustice to her.

As Umm Layth has said, when some people are living together, disagreements and arguments happen. A husband and wife will argue. Siblings can argue (I do have occasional arguments with my sister) but a family is about accepting each other's difference, being flexible and compromising for one another, and if not that then for the sake of Allah swt. When this stops happening the family becomes dysfunctional and begins to fall apart. You need to respectfully but firmly try to explain to your family that they need to be more flexible and live together in peace. If that fails, perhaps it would be best for you and your wife to move out, but be close enough you could visit your mother regularly if needed.

I'm sorry you're going through this akhi, inshaAllah I hope you can resolve the situation.
 

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