Moving On

[AnonymousPoster]

I need some advice please.

I had a best friend. I knew him for 14 years in total. Unfortunately at the time I didnt realise the dangers of free mixing between males and females however I have learnt my lesson and repented. InshaAllah I will not make the same mistake again.

I trusted this person more than anyone. I got to know him through my brother. My family trusted him too and he was close to all of us. He knew all the members of my family and also my extended family, that is how close he was.

He was treated like a member of the family and spent all occasions with us. He would sometimes spend more time at my house and with my family then at his own home.

Whenever I was going through difficult times he was there for me. On some occassions he would travel over a hundred miles just to get to me and be there for me when I was going through difficult times.

We got closer and we would talk all day, everyday. I would walk into work and there would be an email from him. I lft work and he would text me and then i would talk to him at night.
Then one day about 3 years ago he told me he had feelings for me. I told him I didnt see him like that and he accepted. However he was still there for me and would talk to me and be there for me and occassionally talk about how he really wanted to be with me, and how he had never felt like this about anyone. I know these are classic lines that guys say to girls. I would never have fallen for them if he had not said it based on 10 years of trust.

He was the best friend anyone could wish for and I was so glad that he was in my life. He did so much for me.

Then after about 2 years I started to get feelings for him. I talked to him about this and he said he was worried that maybe I was just going for him because I couldnt find anyone else. So I started to get to know another guy and I couldnt stop thinking about my friend. I tried again with another guy by talking to him for a couple of weeks but felt like I was wasting my time because I just wanted to be with my friend.

Then I thought to myself this guy comes from a very religious family and at this point I had started reading more into Islam and wanted an islamic lifestyle which at that time I believed he would provide for me. And he was my best friend so what more could a person ask for in a marriage?

However I didnt see that he talked a lot about islam and was very active in giving non muslims dawah but he was not a practising muslim.

In between the time I thought I had feelings for him, me and him started arguing. It was because I was becoming insecure when he would spend more time with other people.

Once I told him that I definately wanted to be with him and had made my decision things changed between us.

I spoke to my parents. My mother was not happy with it as she felt that she had trusted him and he had betrayed her but she said she would slowly get over it as long as I was happy. The rest of my family was happy with it. They asked him to speak to his parents. However because we had started arguing we told my parents we needed sometime. ( i know this was wrong)

We started arguing more.
Then he started saying to me that he wanted to be with me and really cared about me but he didnt think we should be together. I got confused by this and believed that we both wanted to be with each other so we could make it work. I really cared about him and could not imagine my life without him.

A lot of things happen in between and it will make this thread even longer then this if I go into more details but in the mean time we argued and he would switch his phones off on me knowing how much it upset me and effected me due to past personal experiences. I would cry a lot and my family saw this. My brother told him to never come to our house again.

We carried on talking after 3 weeks of not talking and when I was upset he would tell me to cry more because it didnt bother him and hang up on me when I was in that state.

I had, had enough so I told my parents that I was going to tell him to come home and speak to them about marriage or it would be over.
This was because I believed the distance between us was making us argue and also this situation was taking me away from Islam and if he was not serious about me then I didn’t want to waste anymore time.

So basically he came to my house and made some conditions such as I would be marrying his family and not him and other things. I blindly accepted everything and then he told his parents.
He seemed quite down and I was trying to understand why he was down and he would say to me just that he still wanted to be with me but he was worried. So I tried to cheer him up.
His family came down my house and we were suppose to go down his house to set a date and meet his extended family but after 3 weeks of me holding my insecurities at bay I snapped and I argued with him because he was ignoring me more than ever before and this is not normal for people who are getting married. I also felt like he was imposing his culture on me when he didn’t follow it himself. We got into an argument and as usual I said sorry to him however the next day my father rang him to say he was going to speak to his father about our arguments.
And instead of telling my Father that we had sorted it he told my father to go ahead. Later I tried speaking to him and apologising he only swore at me while I was crying.
To cut a long story short he ended it even though his family was willing to go ahead with it and my family too.
After all these years he just put my hope up and dropped me like I was nothing. He has not contacted me since.
It has been nearly 5 months since this has happen. I try praying and distracting myself with other things but I am really struggling to deal with this hurt.
I have so many memories and cant move on. I feel like I need answers as to why he changed and why he did this?

I have come to find out that he lied to me and my family the first time round when he said he had spoken to his family but he had not. He only spoke to them the second time round.
He also told his parents a lie. He said that my father had approached him to marry me because they could not find anyone to marry me. This is a lie because during our friendship he knows better then anyone I have had many proposals but I turned them down.

I have known him for more than half my life and I am really struggling to deal with this.
I have tried everything I can think of however it has not worked.

I was thinking of contacting him and talking to him to get some answers or to get some closure.
How can anyone say they care about you and treat you like this?
How can anyone just drop you and move on with their life after so many years of being there for them?

I am so sorry that this thread is long and I have probably put some readers to sleep but I am really struggling. After 5 months I would have thought it would get easier but it hasn’t.
I just feel really depressed. I struggle to get through everyday. I don’t like the person I am and feel that if I cant trust a person I knew for 14 years then how can I trust anyone?
If a person that knew me so well can just drop me out their life like that then I must be a really horrible person and noone will ever want to be with me again.
And the memories I have with him just keep coming back over and over again.
I dont feel like i have lost a guy that I wanted to marry. I feel like I have been betrayed by my best friend. He would tell me he would be there for me forever and I trusted him.

Should I contact this guy to get some sort of closure? Or understanding of why he did this to me?
What can I do to move on?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

One of my friends has adviced me to go see a counsilor. Is this a good idea?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I need some advice please.

I had a best friend. I knew him for 14 years in total. Unfortunately at the time I didnt realise the dangers of free mixing between males and females however I have learnt my lesson and repented. InshaAllah I will not make the same mistake again.

I trusted this person more than anyone. I got to know him through my brother. My family trusted him too and he was close to all of us. He knew all the members of my family and also my extended family, that is how close he was.

He was treated like a member of the family and spent all occasions with us. He would sometimes spend more time at my house and with my family then at his own home.

Whenever I was going through difficult times he was there for me. On some occassions he would travel over a hundred miles just to get to me and be there for me when I was going through difficult times.

We got closer and we would talk all day, everyday. I would walk into work and there would be an email from him. I lft work and he would text me and then i would talk to him at night.
Then one day about 3 years ago he told me he had feelings for me. I told him I didnt see him like that and he accepted. However he was still there for me and would talk to me and be there for me and occassionally talk about how he really wanted to be with me, and how he had never felt like this about anyone. I know these are classic lines that guys say to girls. I would never have fallen for them if he had not said it based on 10 years of trust.

He was the best friend anyone could wish for and I was so glad that he was in my life. He did so much for me.

Then after about 2 years I started to get feelings for him. I talked to him about this and he said he was worried that maybe I was just going for him because I couldnt find anyone else. So I started to get to know another guy and I couldnt stop thinking about my friend. I tried again with another guy by talking to him for a couple of weeks but felt like I was wasting my time because I just wanted to be with my friend.

Then I thought to myself this guy comes from a very religious family and at this point I had started reading more into Islam and wanted an islamic lifestyle which at that time I believed he would provide for me. And he was my best friend so what more could a person ask for in a marriage?

However I didnt see that he talked a lot about islam and was very active in giving non muslims dawah but he was not a practising muslim.

In between the time I thought I had feelings for him, me and him started arguing. It was because I was becoming insecure when he would spend more time with other people.

Once I told him that I definately wanted to be with him and had made my decision things changed between us.

I spoke to my parents. My mother was not happy with it as she felt that she had trusted him and he had betrayed her but she said she would slowly get over it as long as I was happy. The rest of my family was happy with it. They asked him to speak to his parents. However because we had started arguing we told my parents we needed sometime. ( i know this was wrong)

We started arguing more.
Then he started saying to me that he wanted to be with me and really cared about me but he didnt think we should be together. I got confused by this and believed that we both wanted to be with each other so we could make it work. I really cared about him and could not imagine my life without him.

A lot of things happen in between and it will make this thread even longer then this if I go into more details but in the mean time we argued and he would switch his phones off on me knowing how much it upset me and effected me due to past personal experiences. I would cry a lot and my family saw this. My brother told him to never come to our house again.

We carried on talking after 3 weeks of not talking and when I was upset he would tell me to cry more because it didnt bother him and hang up on me when I was in that state.

I had, had enough so I told my parents that I was going to tell him to come home and speak to them about marriage or it would be over.
This was because I believed the distance between us was making us argue and also this situation was taking me away from Islam and if he was not serious about me then I didn’t want to waste anymore time.

So basically he came to my house and made some conditions such as I would be marrying his family and not him and other things. I blindly accepted everything and then he told his parents.
He seemed quite down and I was trying to understand why he was down and he would say to me just that he still wanted to be with me but he was worried. So I tried to cheer him up.
His family came down my house and we were suppose to go down his house to set a date and meet his extended family but after 3 weeks of me holding my insecurities at bay I snapped and I argued with him because he was ignoring me more than ever before and this is not normal for people who are getting married. I also felt like he was imposing his culture on me when he didn’t follow it himself. We got into an argument and as usual I said sorry to him however the next day my father rang him to say he was going to speak to his father about our arguments.
And instead of telling my Father that we had sorted it he told my father to go ahead. Later I tried speaking to him and apologising he only swore at me while I was crying.
To cut a long story short he ended it even though his family was willing to go ahead with it and my family too.
After all these years he just put my hope up and dropped me like I was nothing. He has not contacted me since.
It has been nearly 5 months since this has happen. I try praying and distracting myself with other things but I am really struggling to deal with this hurt.
I have so many memories and cant move on. I feel like I need answers as to why he changed and why he did this?

I have come to find out that he lied to me and my family the first time round when he said he had spoken to his family but he had not. He only spoke to them the second time round.
He also told his parents a lie. He said that my father had approached him to marry me because they could not find anyone to marry me. This is a lie because during our friendship he knows better then anyone I have had many proposals but I turned them down.

I have known him for more than half my life and I am really struggling to deal with this.
I have tried everything I can think of however it has not worked.

I was thinking of contacting him and talking to him to get some answers or to get some closure.
How can anyone say they care about you and treat you like this?
How can anyone just drop you and move on with their life after so many years of being there for them?

I am so sorry that this thread is long and I have probably put some readers to sleep but I am really struggling. After 5 months I would have thought it would get easier but it hasn’t.
I just feel really depressed. I struggle to get through everyday. I don’t like the person I am and feel that if I cant trust a person I knew for 14 years then how can I trust anyone?
If a person that knew me so well can just drop me out their life like that then I must be a really horrible person and noone will ever want to be with me again.
And the memories I have with him just keep coming back over and over again.
I dont feel like i have lost a guy that I wanted to marry. I feel like I have been betrayed by my best friend. He would tell me he would be there for me forever and I trusted him.

Should I contact this guy to get some sort of closure? Or understanding of why he did this to me?
What can I do to move on?

Asalaamu Alaikum wr wb, my sister unfortunatley this happens a lot to our brothers and sisters all the time especially the youth.

It always starts off with an innocent friendship. At that age its the "norm" to be-friend someone from the opposite sex. Then inevitabley the friendship turns into feelings being developed and then turns into a relationship.

What we have to realise is my sister that this is the way shaythan gets two people to committ haram with one another. He makes it out like its ok to be friends with the opposite sex and "normal" and that nothing will happen but what we have to realise is that a man and a women CANNOT be friends only because a man and a women are created to be attraced to one another so chemical reactions and feelings will always gradually and inevitably develop.

Shaythan tricks men and women into so called 'innocent' friendships and they end up committing haram and getting hurt and scarred as is with your case.

My sister your case is a typical example why men and women should NEVER be-friend one another. Everything Islam teaches us is the best for us. Islam teaches us that we should not be-friend the opposite sex at all and that we should not intermingle or mix freely with the opposite sex because that is how haraam relationships develop and result. This is ALWAYS the case. The majority of relationships result from school,colleges,universities and the work place and those are the places where men and women mix freely so inevitabley those are the places that breed haraam relationships.

A relationship is NOT a guarantee for marriage. A lot of the times the guy or the girl give false dreams and hopes to one another but reality is very different to that. They talk about what it will be like when their married and together and the guy and girl have these dreamz and wishes throughout the duration of their relationship and when it does'nt work out for one reason or another then inevitabley the person gets terribly hurt and scarred because they gave their heart to the person and only ever imagined being with them and no one else. They dreamed a life with that person and when the dream ends it is too hard to take.

My sister i don't know the real reason why he reacted in this way but all i can say is that your very lucky you did'nt marry him. I know of and have heard of COUNTLESS examples of couples marrying after having a relationship and after marriage the reality is VERY diffeent to how they dreamed. Just because one loves another it does'nt mean that they will be happy because my sister love is not enough to make a couple happy in marriage.

You VERY lucky that Allah has caused this to happen because what if you saw his true colours after marriage? It was clear from the outset that he may have claimed that he wanted to marry you but what he said was VERY different from his actions. He never wanted to marry you in the firt place sister. You worth MUCH better than that! Just thank Allah that Allah exposed him for who he really is at this stage and not after marriage because then you would have been truly ruined. Allah has exposed him now to save you my sister so be happy and thank Allah as much as you can everyday!

You do not need to contact him to ask him anything. It is clear that his intentions were not to marry you all along but to string you along. It is clear that he was confused from the beginning. If he treated you like this now imagine how he would have treated you if you got married to him? You would'nt be able to handle that! You deserve MUCH better my sister and this man was NEVER going to be good for you in anyway!

You need a person who practises deen properly and soemone who would treat you how the prophet (Pbuh) told us to treat women and a person who would lead you towards jannah not someone like that who Allah knows best how he would have treated you after marriage if he treated you like this now! You were saved by Allah be truly happy because trust me thee are COUNTLESS people who are not as lucky as you and they ended up marrying the wrong people. There is someone SO much better for you my sister just have hope and faith in Allah!


My sister whatever has happened has happened now, so theres no point looking back to the past anymore. You can't change whats happened and you can't get that time back but you have learnt your lesson now that a man and a women can NEVER be friends only!

You have learnt now the hard way and sometimes one needs to learn the hard way to truly realise our mistakes. We learn from our failures and not our successes! If we did'nt make mistakes then how would we learn? If we did'nt sin then how would we turn to Allah? If we don't turn to Allah then how will Allah forgive us?

My sister you have to move on no matter how hard it is. It's all in the head and you have to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him first and foremost then after that let time be the healer because it will take time but if you go towards Allah and abide by his commandments wholeheartedly and put your FULL hopes,trust,reliance and faith in him then you will get over this in no time because you will then realise that you have not a second to waste and that you have already wasted enough time and that you have to make the best use of EVERY second of your life because your time is up and your time can come at ANY second!

My sister it just was'nt meant to be that is why it did'nt go ahead. If something is not meant to be then no matter what any of us do it will never happen and in this case it is best that it never happened because you would have lived a miserable life with someone like that!

My sister we ONLY get one chance in this life so we need the right partner that will guide us to the right path so look for a pious and practising brother and i guarantee you that when you look back you will realise that your glad that you never married this person because Allah has a MUCH better partner in store for you!

My sister NOW is the time to go towards Allah. There is NO time to waste. Allah is the one who find ours partners for us we can't find them for ourselves, so if we please Allah and go towards him then will he not find us the BEST partners that we can lead a content life with pleasing Allah and who we can spend eternity with in the hereafter?

The way to heal oneself is to first accept what has happened and accept that Allah did'nt want this to happen and he did'nt will this for me and that he has something better for me. Then go towards Allah and worship him wholeheartedly and know that he will find you the perfect one for you and marry as soon as you can to a pious brother who will lead you towards Jannah which is our ultimate goal. Know that it will take time and let time be the healer but my sister know that whatever has happened we can learn from it and take good things from it and lessons from it and become better people and do things better now and the future!

From now on sister its a new and fresh start for you. Mys sister repent and turn to Allah and ask him to forgive you for having this relationship and ask him to help you through this because ONLY he can help you and bring peace and tranquility to your heart.

Make intention of going towards Allah wholheartedly and i would recommend that you join a sisters circle, halaqa, meetings and talks because thre is ALWAYS one in most areas. It is important that you involve yourself with good and pious friends who will lead you towards Jannnah because we are who our friends are.

Keep your mind busy and don't sit around where you would be more likely to think because an idle mind is the playground of shaythan.

If you don't pray sister then i would urge you to start praying because after imaan the most important aspect of Islam is prayer and without prayer we cannot call ourselves Muslims. Without prayer we have NOTHING my sister because namaz is the meeting with Allah and since Allah has given us EVERYTHING why can we not even do simple prayers for him everyday?

If we add up the amount of time it takes to do namaz everyday then it will come upto around 35 to 40 minutes for all 5 prayers. Thats 35 minutes out of 24 hours and we still can't devote that little amount of time to pray to the one who created us and given us EVERYTHING we can possibly imagine! We are truly pathetic!

Also my sister read the Qur'an with its meanings and occupy your time doing good deeds like zikr and helping your parents etc and do EVERYTHING for the pleasure of Allah and it will gbecome reward for you!

If you spend your time trying to please Allah by doing good deeds and worshipping him then surely Allah will bring back the peace and tranquility in your heart but give it time and your heart will heal inshallah.

Rememebr that you are now better off than you have EVER been and Allah saved you from a potentially miserable life with someone like that so thank him profusley. Allah wants the best for you so go towards him and repent for your past and move on now sister because the seconds that are going by we will NEVER be able to get back so make the best use of them and make the best use of your youth before it is gone because our youth is very precious and Allah loves the worship of his creations in their youth. So my sister think to yourself everytime you feel pain or get hurt that "I cannot waste a single second more on someone like that because i have wasted enough time already and my time could be up ANY second so let me do the best i can to go towards Allah and please him".

Keep thinking in this way and give it time sister and make a lot of dua to Allah and inshallah your should be fine in no time! Please remember me in your dua's.

 

[cat eyes]

And can i just add to brother hamza's advice i sincerely hope your parents learn't something from this also sis not to ever allow a non mahram in to there home again after what happened with there daughter. do you know its basically inviting evil in to there home. have you got other sisters? i hope it dose not happen again its just silly to think that a man can be friends with a woman sis. like you will find so many asian families such as indian and pakistani and bengali mixing with male inlaws and non mahrams and they think that its okay and nothing is going to happen and then when something dose happen they will have to answer for it on judgment day. KNOW that this is not okay and against the teaching of islam. we certainly really need to give dawah to muslims aswell as non muslims. and NO do not contact him. its clear this man lied to you and he leaded you on false hope a true sign of evil. inshaAllah i hope that you will find a pious practicing muslim and your heart will heal Ameen.

 

[Ayesha_Hanif]

One of my friends has adviced me to go see a counsilor. Is this a good idea?

salaam sister

i persnally trhink that counsiling is very good for you , i am currently reciveing counsilimg and it is reli letting alot of things out it has reli help, i feel it could do the same to you.