Moving out haram or halal?

[Leela1]

If Islam allows this I do not think I can be in this religion anymore, I think to you my family's actions are excusable and you wouldn't care less, but to me it matters a lot.

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You and I are nothing alike. I do not test my mother. If I do, I know what's coming to me and I deserve what I will have to endure. I learnt that from a young age.

I am abused by the abused. I'm asking for guidance, someone to lead me in the right direction and light up the way. Help me. Not to accuse or judge me. Not to justify my family's behaviour.

 

[Umme salma]

No ive always listened to her, ALWAYS. It makes me sick that some people here think I'm some sort of rebellious teenager, I've been mature since I was 6, I've always listened to my parents. She just hits me for no reason, she also hit me when I've done things wrong like accidentally broke something as a kid which I understand was to teach myself a lesson. But to randomly hit me, and to eat my food off of my own piss when I wet the bed at the age of 6. Do you think that's excusable? See I've held this anger all my life now I feel like some sort of monster. If I shouldn't leave what should I do? Wait till I hang myself. Please just put yourself in my shoes for one second. Maybe the people who think I'm being stuck up are illicit and can't understand what I'm saying. 30% of those who are abused turn to abuse their own children I am one of those 30%. Now all I can ask is....is it haram or halal no one answered my question other than judge me I am almost 20 now, all you can think about is your life, I know the worlds is not easy I've been sexually assaulted before no one cares oOOo very surprised. NOT. Now answer my question so I can make a decision that can be life changing, I either stay and get married off to an old man because obviously I have no choice whilst being abused or see what the worlds has to offer

its not haram to protect yourself, that is why im saying this isnt a matter of halal and haram .. but what must be done in order to continue a sanely life..and im sorry you have had to go through experiences as sexual abuse, there does seem to be by what you are relating a little more to your reality, i had not read your reply here.. to move out to protect ourselves can never be wrong.. if family hasnt stepped in,or you have tried, speak to someone who may be able to make your mum see how their behaviour is harming your relationship.. if you have tried these avenues.. you will leave with no regrets.. this part is important for you.. Good luck and best wishes..

 

[*charisma*]

No ive always listened to her, ALWAYS. It makes me sick that some people here think I'm some sort of rebellious teenager, I've been mature since I was 6, I've always listened to my parents. She just hits me for no reason, she also hit me when I've done things wrong like accidentally broke something as a kid which I understand was to teach myself a lesson. But to randomly hit me, and to eat my food off of my own piss when I wet the bed at the age of 6. Do you think that's excusable? See I've held this anger all my life now I feel like some sort of monster. If I shouldn't leave what should I do? Wait till I hang myself. Please just put yourself in my shoes for one second. Maybe the people who think I'm being stuck up are illicit and can't understand what I'm saying. 30% of those who are abused turn to abuse their own children I am one of those 30%. Now all I can ask is....is it haram or halal no one answered my question other than judge me I am almost 20 now, all you can think about is your life, I know the worlds is not easy I've been sexually assaulted before no one cares oOOo very surprised. NOT. Now answer my question so I can make a decision that can be life changing, I either stay and get married off to an old man because obviously I have no choice whilst being abused or see what the worlds has to offer

No one is judging you, we are trying to get the full context of the situation because we don't know the full story and we can't tell you to leave your family just based on those couple of posts, do you understand? We also want to ensure that there are better alternatives because it is haram to sever ties of kinship. This is very clear in Islam. Mistreating your parents or causing them hardship is also haram. You are to treat them kindly EVEN IF they do not do the same. Allah says it in the QUran that even if they were KUFFAR, you have to be kind to them. To answer your question about whether or not it is haram for you to live alone, it absolutely is in the general scheme of things. Running away/moving out is not a viable solution. Therefore, we need to find a solution that will actually HELP you LONG TERM, not HARM you. I understand that you need a quick fix because you are just tired and broken and want a better life for yourself, well that's what we want for you as well, but you're basically making your LAST resort your FIRST option and it shouldn't be. You're looking at life through a very negative lens and it's because of all the terrible experiences you've had, so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

If Islam allows this I do not think I can be in this religion anymore, I think to you my family's actions are excusable and you wouldn't care less, but to me it matters a lot.

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You and I are nothing alike. I do not test my mother. If I do, I know what's coming to me and I deserve what I will have to endure. I learnt that from a young age.

I am abused by the abused. I'm asking for guidance, someone to lead me in the right direction and light up the way. Help me. Not to accuse or judge me. Not to justify my family's behaviour.

No one is making excuses for anyone. I asked questions because I'm trying to understand your family's mentality because what you wrote in your initial post is actually a reality for many people and it's "normal," especially when they are in their teenage years and are being distant and unruly, or their parents come from a different cultural background. You can't really blame us for your lack of information or get defensive. It's not fair. We can't judge your parents when they are not here to defend themselves, nor can we make an assessment when the full story isn't put out there. It took a few of your posts to actually get the gist of things.

Islam doesn't allow the abuse or oppression of anyone. It's clear that you need to heal from a lot of things and the people you require it from are not giving it to you. It's also clear you love your family but it's not reciprocated in the way it should be, or maybe you are waiting for THEM to reach out to you first. However do you legitimately think that leaving your family will be the BEST option for EVERYONE looking at the bigger picture? Or are you already at the point where you don't care anymore? Because at the very least I'd hope you'd want to do something that will please Allah whatever your course of action will be. So if we come to the conclusion that YES you should leave your family, we'd want you to do it in the proper way, and if moving out isn't the best solution, then we can ask ourselves how can we make it so that positive changes are made in your family home? Don't you think we could at least come to terms with that much?? I mean if say your family changed tomorrow, would you still want to leave??

Did you reach out to anyone like relatives, mediators, or counselors? Also does your family know about the sexual abuse?

 

[Leela1]

No one is judging you, we are trying to get the full context of the situation because we don't know the full story and we can't tell you to leave your family just based on those couple of posts, do you understand? We also want to ensure that there are better alternatives because it is haram to sever ties of kinship. This is very clear in Islam. Mistreating your parents or causing them hardship is also haram. You are to treat them kindly EVEN IF they do not do the same. Allah says it in the QUran that even if they were KUFFAR, you have to be kind to them. To answer your question about whether or not it is haram for you to live alone, it absolutely is in the general scheme of things. Running away/moving out is not a viable solution. Therefore, we need to find a solution that will actually HELP you LONG TERM, not HARM you. I understand that you need a quick fix because you are just tired and broken and want a better life for yourself, well that's what we want for you as well, but you're basically making your LAST resort your FIRST option and it shouldn't be. You're looking at life through a very negative lens and it's because of all the terrible experiences you've had, so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.




No one is making excuses for anyone. I asked questions because I'm trying to understand your family's mentality because what you wrote in your initial post is actually a reality for many people and it's "normal," especially when they are in their teenage years and are being distant and unruly, or their parents come from a different cultural background. You can't really blame us for your lack of information or get defensive. It's not fair. We can't judge your parents when they are not here to defend themselves, nor can we make an assessment when the full story isn't put out there. It took a few of your posts to actually get the gist of things.

Islam doesn't allow the abuse or oppression of anyone. It's clear that you need to heal from a lot of things and the people you require it from are not giving it to you. It's also clear you love your family but it's not reciprocated in the way it should be, or maybe you are waiting for THEM to reach out to you first. However do you legitimately think that leaving your family will be the BEST option for EVERYONE looking at the bigger picture? Or are you already at the point where you don't care anymore? Because at the very least I'd hope you'd want to do something that will please Allah whatever your course of action will be. So if we come to the conclusion that YES you should leave your family, we'd want you to do it in the proper way, and if moving out isn't the best solution, then we can ask ourselves how can we make it so that positive changes are made in your family home? Don't you think we could at least come to terms with that much?? I mean if say your family changed tomorrow, would you still want to leave??

Did you reach out to anyone like relatives, mediators, or counselors? Also does your family know about the sexual abuse?

they know everything if they were to change I'd stay but they won't, I'm sorry for acting like this but I just can't help it. I just don't know what to do, I won't be able to change my family ever. Im not gonna just run away I said in my last last post that I spoke to them about it and they said they'd cut contact from me however I would not do the same. So what's your solution I've had counselling but you have to understand I can't tell them what I've told you otherwise social services and police would get involved and I can't do that. But it's hard to clear your head and heal wounds when your still in the same situation unable to find a way out. I understand what you're saying, What would you suggest my first step to be?

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I would like to also add that my cousins saw how my family acted towards me and all of them tried to change what was happening but what they don't know is, this happens every day of my life, they thought this was a one off unfortunately I don't have family that I can go to, I can't go to my local mosque as this would be ruining the family's reputation as this is the last thing I want. Can everyone stop thinking it's me mistreating them and that's why they are doing it to me. It's nothing like that. Thank you.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Hi OP,

I am so sorry to hear about all the things that have been going on in your life and I can only apologise for that.

If you approached the Council and declared everything you have said on here, the Council will not give you a flat or a house immediately. You will most likely be placed into a hostel / women's refuge where there are staff who will be able to sit down and talk to you. I'm afraid hostels / women's refuges will not allow you to have a pet. I know you have mentioned you want to keep in touch with your family but please know they will not let you live anywhere near them. For instance, if you lived in Leeds, they would most likely place you in a women's refuge in Nottingham or Birmingham so you are not close to any danger.

A Council flat / house may come in time but also take into consideration all the caps on benefits and such like. It's not plain sailing. If you are on JSA or UC, you will hardly have much money left after all your bills are paid unless you work. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it's not all flowers and butterflies if you move out.

But reading the above post where you have said you won't get the Police involved, the Council will most likely give you a very low banding and you won't get any accommodation in the near future, if at all. How do they know that you are being truthful about what you have said? They probably have 25 people present on a weekly basis with the same story. They have to follow it up with the Police and Domestic Violence Units to make sure the person is being truthful.

Also, what is this about going to the local Mosque and ruining your family's reputation? You need to have a good long think about where you want to go moving forward. If your family's reputation is more important to you, then perhaps you need to carry on letting them mistreat you. If you want to move out and stand on your own two feet, your family will probably get hurt in the process. You need to balance out what is more important to you though.

I hope things work out for you in the end. Maybe talk to a friend about what is going on, they may be able to shed some light on matters.

 

[*charisma*]

they know everything if they were to change I'd stay but they won't, I'm sorry for acting like this but I just can't help it. I just don't know what to do, I won't be able to change my family ever. Im not gonna just run away I said in my last last post that I spoke to them about it and they said they'd cut contact from me however I would not do the same. So what's your solution I've had counselling but you have to understand I can't tell them what I've told you otherwise social services and police would get involved and I can't do that. But it's hard to clear your head and heal wounds when your still in the same situation unable to find a way out. I understand what you're saying, What would you suggest my first step to be?

That's very considerate of you to do mashallah, and I think we are both on the same page in that regard. This issue is quite sensitive so I can understand why you it seems like there's no one to turn to who'd actually understand this dynamic.

Since you mentioned you're in the UK here are some Muslim counselors who I think you should try to reach out to. I suggest you tell them about all of your issues. Outline it simply, but make sure you include all of the issues that are ongoing and problems you've had in the past. You don't need to be detailed yet since it's just the initial contact, but try to not miss anything even if you don't think it's important. For example you could say that you're dealing with family emotional and physical abuse, suicidal thoughts, and an incident of sexual abuse. Share anything else that you haven't shared with us and maybe some examples of incidents so they can get an idea of what your dealing with from that first contact. You can include that you'd like to find a solution to your problem but are thinking of running away/moving out as well. If you want to remain anonymous then you should have the freedom to do that and I don't think anyone will ask you to divulge information you're not comfortable with sharing. If you are going to email them then maybe email as many counselors with a solid email. And if you decide to call then maybe write down the things you want to touch on anyway. Some of them may have fees but they may make an exception for you if you can't pay them, so there's no harm in asking for that. Otherwise I think masjids offer free counseling. I know you said that you can't go to your local one, but maybe you can email one which is not local and see what they can offer. You can also ask about if it would be permissible for you specifically to leave your family home or not and under which conditions it would be allowed. May Allah make things easy on you ameen. I know I don't know your full situation but Allah does, so please make du'a and pray for yourself and for your family's guidance. No matter what happens, remember that your perseverance and patience with all of this will be immensely rewarded.

So here are the links:

http://www.sakoon.co.uk/

http://www.mcapn.co.uk/counselling-directory?ed=true

http://www.muslimcounsellorsbirmingham.co.uk/fees.html

https://www.greenlanemasjid.org/social-welfare/counselling/

Some large mosques have an "ask/contact Imam" section or a counseling section. So check the ones around the city you're in.

Some other members here might jump in and offer some advice as well or be more helpful than I am lol. But I hope you really give these a try before giving up And if nothing here works then let us know. Ultimately we'd want the best outcome in a halal way.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

I've just read the above post, if you have a local Apa (female Aalim), contact them. Go to her house after you have made an appointment and tell her what is going on. But you will have to forget about your family's reputation. Obviously the Apa will keep it confidential if you tell her.

As some of the others have said, moving out might seem like a quick fix but bear in mind that if you go into a Women's Refuge, you will be sharing a hostel with other residents. The only room you have to yourself is your bedroom. The kitchen and bathroom are shared.

If you do get a Council flat / house in time, bear in mind you might have junkies / alcoholics / noisy people living next to you. If you don't pay your rent, you will get evicted. There are so many things you need to think about. Do you genuinely think you will be able to stand on your own two feet and survive?

You could always approach your local Council and ask to see a Housing Advisor who will do an interview with you and offer you expert advice and guidance. But just bear in mind they won't take you seriously if you have no crime reference numbers from the Police. However, they will be able to explain your options available to you - Council's housing register / hostels / women's refuges / private renting / housing associations.

I apologise if I am being all doom and gloom but I used to be a Social Worker in Housing and I know the ins and outs.

 

[cinnamonrolls1]

If its to the point where ur actually getting abused then you need to notify protection services. Theres no family honour malarkey here, you need to stay safe.

 

[*charisma*]

I've just read the above post, if you have a local Apa (female Aalim), contact them. Go to her house after you have made an appointment and tell her what is going on. But you will have to forget about your family's reputation. Obviously the Apa will keep it confidential if you tell her.

As some of the others have said, moving out might seem like a quick fix but bear in mind that if you go into a Women's Refuge, you will be sharing a hostel with other residents. The only room you have to yourself is your bedroom. The kitchen and bathroom are shared.

If you do get a Council flat / house in time, bear in mind you might have junkies / alcoholics / noisy people living next to you. If you don't pay your rent, you will get evicted. There are so many things you need to think about. Do you genuinely think you will be able to stand on your own two feet and survive?

You could always approach your local Council and ask to see a Housing Advisor who will do an interview with you and offer you expert advice and guidance. But just bear in mind they won't take you seriously if you have no crime reference numbers from the Police. However, they will be able to explain your options available to you - Council's housing register / hostels / women's refuges / private renting / housing associations.

I apologise if I am being all doom and gloom but I used to be a Social Worker in Housing and I know the ins and outs.

I have to agree and I'm thankful you brought this up because I completely forgot to do so. If it comes down to it where it's allowed for her to leave her family, then at that point we can perhaps suggest something which is better than what the government is offering because safety is very much an important thing to consider and we don't need fitnah around when it will already be a very difficult and vulnerable situation to be in when a girl has to live away from family. However, ideally it would be better to fix this entire situation so that her family can be God-fearing and kind people and she can live with them without any worries or lost hope. Building up is better than breaking down. I hope she will talk to someone because I think that most people will respect the situation and treat it sensitively because they understand how difficult it can be. There's no benefit for exploitation.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

If its to the point where ur actually getting abused then you need to notify protection services. Theres no family honour malarkey here, you need to stay safe.

Yes ma'am, I completely agree. The Police need to be informed. The OP is classed as an adult, so I am not too sure Social Services will get that involved, but you will be passed onto a Domestic Violence worker and placed in a Women's Refuge out of harms way.

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If its to the point where ur actually getting abused then you need to notify protection services. Theres no family honour malarkey here, you need to stay safe.

Yes ma'am, I completely agree. The Police need to be informed. The OP is classed as an adult, so I am not too sure Social Services will get that involved, but you will be passed onto a Domestic Violence worker and placed in a Women's Refuge out of harms way.

 

[cinnamonrolls1]

Yes ma'am, I completely agree. The Police need to be informed. The OP is classed as an adult, so I am not too sure Social Services will get that involved, but you will be passed onto a Domestic Violence worker and placed in a Women's Refuge out of harms way.

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Yes ma'am, I completely agree. The Police need to be informed. The OP is classed as an adult, so I am not too sure Social Services will get that involved, but you will be passed onto a Domestic Violence worker and placed in a Women's Refuge out of harms way.

Ah i thought she was still legally clsssed as a minor. I hope she's doing okay inshallah

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Over 18 and you are classed as an adult and you are able to even hold a tenancy in your own name.

How are things OP? Is there not even one person in your family who you may be able to talk to?

 

[Leela1]

Thank you all for your replies, it honestly means alot to me since people usually don't care about me. I have contemplated whether I should move out or not for a very long time at one point I thought I might as well be homeless to save my own life, I never end up doing so as things get worse then they cool down which makes me stay in this cycle.
I understand how hard it is to stay in a council house but I was willing to put up with it, and i have no money and have to use my bursary to feed myself etc. So I'm kind of used to it, I can't go to a women's refuge since I'd have to leave the city and also quit college I've turned 19 though I said i almost am 20 because I want people to take me seriously. I don't want to go to a hostel since I've got severe anxiety, depression &
paranoia. And I'm currently on medication to help my depression and insomnia. I don't live near any other mosques or have Muslim counsellors since I live in a very English christanity area of England. I'm not sure what to do as I'm too scared to move out of my city, im too scared to talk to anyone and I've lost all my friends.

 

[cinnamonrolls1]

Thank you all for your replies, it honestly means alot to me since people usually don't care about me. I have contemplated whether I should move out or not for a very long time at one point I thought I might as well be homeless to save my own life, I never end up doing so as things get worse then they cool down which makes me stay in this cycle.
I understand how hard it is to stay in a council house but I was willing to put up with it, and i have no money and have to use my bursary to feed myself etc. So I'm kind of used to it, I can't go to a women's refuge since I'd have to leave the city and also quit college I've turned 19 though I said i almost am 20 because I want people to take me seriously. I don't want to go to a hostel since I've got severe anxiety, depression &
paranoia. And I'm currently on medication to help my depression and insomnia. I don't live near any other mosques or have Muslim counsellors since I live in a very English christanity area of England. I'm not sure what to do as I'm too scared to move out of my city, im too scared to talk to anyone and I've lost all my friends.

I dont know how else i can help honestly, but il keep you in my duas and you can always pm me if you want xx

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Thank you all for your replies, it honestly means alot to me since people usually don't care about me. I have contemplated whether I should move out or not for a very long time at one point I thought I might as well be homeless to save my own life, I never end up doing so as things get worse then they cool down which makes me stay in this cycle.
I understand how hard it is to stay in a council house but I was willing to put up with it, and i have no money and have to use my bursary to feed myself etc. So I'm kind of used to it, I can't go to a women's refuge since I'd have to leave the city and also quit college I've turned 19 though I said i almost am 20 because I want people to take me seriously. I don't want to go to a hostel since I've got severe anxiety, depression &
paranoia. And I'm currently on medication to help my depression and insomnia. I don't live near any other mosques or have Muslim counsellors since I live in a very English christanity area of England. I'm not sure what to do as I'm too scared to move out of my city, im too scared to talk to anyone and I've lost all my friends.

Sorry my dear. You are being too picky.

If it is as bad as you say it is, you will unfortunately have to wave goodbye to your city and your college. If I was a housing advisor and you came to see me and told me that, I would just say "well that's your choice and good luck". You are choosing to remain near the people who are allegedly making your life hell. They will give you advice and options - hostel / women's refuge. If you choose to say no, that is your choice and they won't do anything more for you. There are other colleges and schools and universities in other towns and cities, so it's up to you whether your education is more important than your life.

With Council accommodation, the waiting lists are normally quite long so you may end up waiting a good few years. If you said you don't want to leave, you would no doubt be given a lower band / lower points, so you would not be moving in the near future. Also, if you did end up getting Council accommodation, you would be locked in for the first year as an introductory tenant and you would not be able to move so please be careful if you do choose to move out. If you don't pay your rent, they will evict you and what happens then?

Do you perhaps have an uncle / aunt / grandparent who might let you stay with them? If your family know you are being serious, they may change their ways.

Please understand I am not trying to tell you to move out. I am just telling you what the possible options are and I am just trying to get you to understand the grass may not be greener on the other side. Think about all the bills - council tax, gas, electric, water, food, cleaning products. Also if you get a dog, the dog's food (do they eat breakfast, lunch and supper or do they eat more) and vet bills.

Please keep us updated on what happens next.

 

[*charisma*]

How do you spend your time sis? Do you do anything else outside of school? Also have you got any brothers? What is your relationship with your siblings?

 

[Leela1]

That is very true, I will wait till I finish college which isn't very far away. they won't stop I threatened to leave and they laughed and said good luck with that. Thank you for you're response. I decided not to get a dog either it was just a thought, your reply is more realistic. Thanks again.

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How do you spend your time sis? Do you do anything else outside of school? Also have you got any brothers? What is your relationship with your siblings?

My yonger sister joins in with my mother to emotionally abuse me because my mother taught her to. We don't really get along and when she was younger she would get away with hitting me. My brothers I'm not really close to since they are always playing games in their room. My mother does not allow me to go out, I have to go straight home from college. I won't go anywhere else, I listen to her otherwise there will be consequences. I only have the weekends off and I don't really do much. I'm not allowed to eat the food my mum makes either so I'm skinny. It's kind of like fasting every day ??????.

 

[azc]

Then Why don't you cook food yourself....... Is she your real mother...?

 

[Umme salma]

Can understand the dilemma, everyone has suggested ideas that can help in the process of the decision you come to...will pray and hope you find a solution ..even though hurting may seem like the only choice you have...if things are this bad...prepare and plan before you leave... in time they may see where their faults have contributed to y making the decision of leaving.. and it may support a better relationship in the future...at the end only you can decide... will pray for a good outcomes..

 

[Leela1]

Yes she's my real mother, that's what I'm starting to d, I've used YouTube and google, I've told my doctor and she had to contact social services and mental health team, I told her I had to tell someone and she said sorry I can't keep this a secret, and she couldn't leave me in the state I was.

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I'm not sure where my life will now take me, but I'm so scared. Have I made a wrong decision.