Muslimah - Would you marry a Revert?

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

My own Brothers and Sister wish to marry reverts, :ia: they will

if he is a new convert then I'll teach him and show him the beauty of the Deen of Allah which he has chosen as a way of life and I my self know not everything so, with him asking about this and that ; i will learn so much about ma Deen in'shaa Allah...so, why not? i really see no difference between a convert , revert and one who born in a muslim family...May Allah grant every single one the best match Ameeeeen and as i said before whether a revert or whatever we need to pray Istikharah and seek the help of Allah in all of our matters...then I guarantee you all; you will neither be disappointed nor harmed...He Is Allah O my Love O Allah.

My precious and beloved Sister Amat Allah has written it all really. Absolutely

It should not matter whether the person is born Muslim or a revert, what y'all should question yourselves; Does that person truly and completely love :Allah::swt: and His Creations regardless of negativity? Are they trying their utmost to please the Lord of the Heavens? Are they learning Islaam and practising Islaam too so their acquisition of knowledge is applied in their daily lives?

I don't have any problems whatsoever with reverts, they are better in everything than many born Muslims, I truly believe that. The problem with many born Muslims is that the ridiculous and idiotic element that is culture comes into play. That is the case unfortunately for majority of born Muslims. And it can ruin, devastate and cause colossal problems when a person tries their utmost to follow Islaam properly or has found a Muslim spouse of a different ethnic background, as "sentiments", "feelings" and stupid "traditions" that are completely and utterly wrong in every single way affect lives, decisions especially with marriages.

Yes, there are things to think about when marrying a revert more so than for born Muslims but for me the questions are whether they're born Muslims marrying or one of them a revert or they're both reverts; "Will they help each other to follow Islaam and please :Allah::swt:? Are the couple able to work together, live together and support each other? Are the intended couple happy with this? 100% sure?

And there are always problems with the groom and bride families before marriage and after whether both spouses are born Muslims, or one is born Muslim and the other is a revert, or they're both reverts. Adjustment is needed regardless. There will always be problems despite being born Muslim or being a revert. Even if it's a microscopic thing, someone guaranteed will be unhappy and will let y'all know it too

My thoughts

Ma Salama

 

[جوري]

For the record I wasn't the one who voted no- rather the last option I am not big on theoretical Qs there's something impersonal and outlandish about them - it's what it is always about the individual and intuition!

But people do have their preferences!
How many white converts here prefer white women for instance?
I've seen a couple here who professed such an interest it shouldn't be a crime to have a preference!

 

[Abu Loren]

For the record I wasn't the one who voted no- rather the last option I am not big on theoretical Qs there's something impersonal and outlandish about them - it's what it is always about the individual and intuition!

But people do have their preferences!
How many white converts here prefer white women for instance?
I've seen a couple here who professed such an interest it shouldn't be a crime to have a preference!

It's OK if you don't want to marry a revert. Contrary to what people have been writing here, you are in the majority. Many Muslimah's are really scared that they would do something drastic like apostating or worse with a revert. Whilst others don't see reverts as real Muslims. No really.

 

[جوري]

Life doesn't come with certainty and I personally have no fears - I just enjoy certain things that I don't think I can have with converts but I haven't found in most Muslims as well - the people who have ever propositioned me were WASPS. I want someone أبي and There's just no western equivalent to that.

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

But people do have their preferences!

it shouldn't be a crime to have a preference!

Of course it isn't a crime, my sweet! Each to their own, if you're not comfortable with the idea of marrying a revert then that is absolutely fine as you've clearly stated your reasons why.

Brother Abu Loren did this thread to see the responses of the Sisters and even said to give reasons whatever the option, I'm quite certain no one thinks any less for saying no to marrying a revert, we all have our own preferences and choices, that's what makes each and every one of us unique and pretty special, ya know?

Many Muslimah's are really scared that they would do something drastic like apostating or worse with a revert. Whilst others don't see reverts as real Muslims.

This is true and the last part (I've highlighted it) saddens me, but the reasons you've given as to why many of my Sisters out there that won't marry reverts are valid as there are people, unfortunately, who became Muslim then backed away as it may have been overwhelming for them, too hard or whatever the reason they convinced themselves with to turn away, which the accursed shaytaan would have been pleased with no doubt.

Life doesn't come with certainty

True that, my Sister.

"Life is short and full of blisters"
African-American Proverb.

I want someone أبي and There's just no western equivalent to that.

Again, each to their own. Absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, wrong with that, :ia: your Du'as will be answered

"I share no man's opinions; I have my own"
Ivan Turgenev

Classic

 

[MustafaMc]

I just enjoy certain things that I don't think I can have with converts but I haven't found in most Muslims as well

Assalamu alaikum, respected Ukhti. Everyone has the right to their preferences and I respect your honest and forthrightness. From my perspective a woman must first respect her husband even before love. I don't know the full story of the marriage between Zaynab bint Jahsh and Zayed ibn Harithah, but I can imagine the difficulty for a woman of high social standing being satisfied with a former slave. Using this as an example, I can imagine it may be difficult for some Muslimahs to respect a convert who doesn't know Arabic, very many surahs, all of the various sunnahs, and who may still be trying to find his way Islamically. (It is not an easy transition to becoming a Muslim and it is very easy to get discouraged particularly for Caucasian converts in USA.) I am not insinuating that this is your reason, but from my perspective I can see lack of respect for a convert is reasonable for the afore mentioned reasons. BTW Could you tell me the meaning for the alif-ba-ya word?

 

[جوري]

Assalamu alaikum, respected Ukhti. Everyone has the right to their preferences and I respect your honest and forthrightness. From my perspective a woman must first respect her husband even before love. I don't know the full story of the marriage between Zaynab bint Jahsh and Zayed ibn Harithah, but I can imagine the difficulty for a woman of high social standing being satisfied with a former slave. Using this as an example, I can imagine it may be difficult for some Muslimahs to respect a convert who doesn't know Arabic, very many surahs, all of the various sunnahs, and who may still be trying to find his way Islamically. (It is not an easy transition to becoming a Muslim and it is very easy to get discouraged particularly for Caucasian converts in USA.) I am not insinuating that this is your reason, but from my perspective I can see lack of respect for a convert is reasonable for the afore mentioned reasons. BTW Could you tell me the meaning for the alif-ba-ya word?

I said in a previous thread that there are three things I look for or need to have in a partner and unfortunately it is missing from most.. It really isn't any reasons that you may think or posted above and it certainly not snootiness on my part God knows but one of the reasons you mention is important indeed... I don't know if I can marry someone I don't respect and respect has to come from strong character and I perceive that in certain traits - I need them there to have a foundation and then everything else can be built upon that. I am learning Quran myself, I am learning sunnah myself and I am learning Arabic myself it is an ongoing thing like with any science.. not starting at the same point isn't at all a detraction what matters is where we end up and how we use it all along..

the abbii word you won't find an equivalent to in English.. usually comes in the dictionary under a negative light... someone who is rebellious or a renegade when in fact in Arabic it is a gallant trait and not a trait of some bandits or folks who have fell off the band wagon..

fi aman illah

 

[ardianto]

Quality of a Muslim is not determined by how long he become Muslim.

In fact, percentage of pious Muslim among convert is far higher than among born Muslim.

 

[Iceee]

In fact, percentage of pious Muslim among convert is far higher than among born Muslim.

That's probably based on where you live and what you have seen in your area.

 

[Al-Mufarridun]

As other brothers have expressed their views on this subject, even though the topic was directed towards the sisters, I would like to share my thoughts on this matter. I agree with those who say there should be no difference between a born-Muslim and a revert. I also believe that the length of one's belief should be taken into account. The particular state I live in there have been plenty of cases were someone would meet a Muslim sister at work or school, a 'relationship' would develop and the guy would become 'Muslim' just to marry the sister without any serious conviction. After a while everything goes to ruin. I'm not saying every revert is like that, but this type of conversion is something i would be very cautious of if I was the Wali of a Muslimah.

Allah :swt: knows best.

 

[MustafaMc]

the abbii word you won't find an equivalent to in English.. usually comes in the dictionary under a negative light... someone who is rebellious or a renegade when in fact in Arabic it is a gallant trait and not a trait of some bandits or folks who have fell off the band wagon..

Would nonconformist, individualist, contrarian, or maverick approximate the word? Does it mean someone who is not afraid to stand alone for what he believes is the Truth?

 

[جوري]

Would nonconformist, individualist, contrarian, or maverick approximate the word? Does it mean someone who is not afraid to stand alone for what he believes is the Truth?

yes- indeed the way you described in the end sums it up brilliantly but with military prowess. Someone who soldiers on quite literally but combines the other two traits.
I think probably few people in history have ever been that with and combined knowledge (wisdom) & faith the prophet Suliman, David, khalid ibn ilwaleed.
Anyhow women don't give birth to the likes of them anymore.. :alhamd: converts or not.. but probably the feeling that we're an ancient people I just don't have with westerners although their brand of Islam seems purist if they truly stick to it and don't try to 'modernize' it- and with eastern converts there's the subject of baggage some bring from their old ideologies which I believe is the root of many tribulations & divisions we've today ..
So I mean those are my personal concerns and I have had the occasional person offer to convert for marriage purposes so it is obviously very upsetting if there's an expectation rather than a meta philosophical need fulfilled. I am open to amend those prejudices if the right person comes along & convinces me and that's a gift from :Allah::swt: knowing whether someone is sincere or not is an intuitive thing... without having to drag posts along on this forum for instance we almost collectively tell even from behind the screen who is here for what purpose that sort of sense isn't borne of rationale but I think it is more logical than our conscious mind even if completely illogical and visceral to discuss.

 

[Scimitar]

There are two sayings I think fit perfectly for this topic, so I'll end the post with them. They'll provide you some food for thought too.

1) Take the road less travelled.
2) better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

Assalaam alaikum bro Aamirsaab,

I think these pose a contradiction.

Take the road less travelled is implying that YES, marry a revert.

Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't is implying that you're better off marrying someone from your own community, a born Muslim.

Am I the only one who sees this or? :nervous:

Scimi

 

[MustafaMc]

Although not of Khalid bin Walid's caliber, what you wrote reminded my of Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson in the American Civil War.

From Wikipedia, <Military historians consider Jackson to be one of the most gifted tactical commanders in U.S. history. His Valley Campaign and his envelopment of the Union Army right wing at Chancellorsville are studied worldwide even today as examples of innovative and bold leadership.... Jackson rose to prominence and earned his most famous nickname at the First Battle of Bull Run (First Manassas) on July 21, 1861. As the Confederate lines began to crumble under heavy Union assault, Jackson's brigade provided crucial reinforcements on Henry House Hill, demonstrating the discipline he instilled in his men.... Jackson's religion has often been discussed. ...It was the fear of God which made him so fearless of all else ... Jackson thought of the war as a religious crusade, and viewed himself as an Old Testament warrior - like David or Joshua - who went into battle to slay the Philistines.>

One thought came to my mind relative to a quote I read, "God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be." We have our ideals for our perfect spouse, but maybe the spouse or suitor we are given was meant to teach us something special experientially that another, more 'perfect' mate could not. Maybe we keep having troubles in different areas related to the spouse we have or don't have because we haven't learnt the lesson that Allah (swt) has intended for us to learn.

 

[sohail1234]

Wa Alikum Assalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh
Yes I can .If she has strong believe on Allah Almighty and his Messenger also believe that Muhammad (S.A.W) is the last messenger of Allah Almighty and there is no God Except the Allah.He is the lord of world.
Allah Most High says:

�Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe. A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though if she attracts you. And not marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe. A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though if he attracts you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the fire but Allah beckons by His grace to the garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His signs clear to mankind; that they may receive admonition�. (al-Baqarah, 221).

 

[جوري]

Although not of Khalid bin Walid's caliber, what you wrote reminded my of Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson in the American Civil War.

From Wikipedia, <Military historians consider Jackson to be one of the most gifted tactical commanders in U.S. history. His Valley Campaign and his envelopment of the Union Army right wing at Chancellorsville are studied worldwide even today as examples of innovative and bold leadership.... Jackson rose to prominence and earned his most famous nickname at the First Battle of Bull Run (First Manassas) on July 21, 1861. As the Confederate lines began to crumble under heavy Union assault, Jackson's brigade provided crucial reinforcements on Henry House Hill, demonstrating the discipline he instilled in his men.... Jackson's religion has often been discussed. ...It was the fear of God which made him so fearless of all else ... Jackson thought of the war as a religious crusade, and viewed himself as an Old Testament warrior - like David or Joshua - who went into battle to slay the Philistines.>

One thought came to my mind relative to a quote I read, "God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be." We have our ideals for our perfect spouse, but maybe the spouse or suitor we are given was meant to teach us something special experientially that another, more 'perfect' mate could not. Maybe we keep having troubles in different areas related to the spouse we have or don't have because we haven't learnt the lesson that Allah (swt) has intended for us to learn.

I already have my troubles in other areas I want to come home to someone who'll shoulder them with me not add to the list of misery- i am not asking for the impossible - none of it is materialistic or worldly just what I consider favorable personality traits which I can't do without in a partner. What's the point of marriage if one can be self sufficient on their own? I realize men and women are different in that regard men and women have different needs in a marriage they're meant to compliment one another not be supplementary one needs a maid who'll also act as a bedmate while the other needs shelter and someone to support her shopping habits just comes up empty for me!

 

[username95]

I would, but i think their will be clashes between my family and his and also the language barriers between him and my parents. So in my case although i really don't mind marrying a revert, marrying someone from my own culture would be the best choice..

 

[aflawedbeing]

The thread was too long, and I didn't read. BUT, I feel like I have to contribute as a revert male myself.

I'm a revert, and married to a born Muslimah. I'm so thankful that she fought to marry me too, as her family continually told her (before she accepted) me all about how 'reverts are a myth' and they 'always go back to jahil' or use Islam to guide born Muslims astray after marriage.

Just months later, she told me of her mother in the Masjid during Ramadhan upon being asked about me, telling an auntie about how she couldn't ask for a better son-in-law. *Emotional tearsss!!!*

 

[~Zaria~]

:salamext:

I dont think this question can be given a 'yes' or 'no' answer in itself.

Theres many other factors that one needs to take into consideration as well -

including culture, family dynamics, the potential spouses relationship with Allah and his desire to learn more, the duration the person has been practising Islam, the persons lifestyle before he/ she embraced islam (and your personal ability to see past it), guidance from Allah Taa'la by the means of istikaarah, to name a few....

Every person is an individual, with a completely different life story.

It should not be the case where we can give a 'blanket' rule, whether we will/ will not marry those who revert to Islam.

By doing so, we are in essence, developing a stereotype of those who have reverted......and we are generalising this, to all those who may fall into this category.

Who knows what a beautiful person you may be missing out on, by doing so....

Lets give everyone a fair chance, and make decisions upon their own individual merit.

We all would desire the same.

One thought came to my mind relative to a quote I read, "God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be." We have our ideals for our perfect spouse, but maybe the spouse or suitor we are given was meant to teach us something special experientially that another, more 'perfect' mate could not. Maybe we keep having troubles in different areas related to the spouse we have or don't have because we haven't learnt the lesson that Allah (swt) has intended for us to learn.

:jz: for sharing this quote with us.

Its very true.
Nothing on this earth lasts forever.
In the same way, Allah Taa'la sends people into our lives - who were only meant to be with us for a period of time....sometimes as a trial - which could be a means of punishment for us in this worldly life, or a means for us to turn back to Him.

Sometimes people are sent into your life - and Allah Taa'la already KNOWS that they will leave you hurt - but still He sends them into your life.
Why?

Perhaps its a means for us to realise that our heart should belong to HIM - in its true sense.
And, by being let down by someone who is close to us, it serves as a reminder to rely upon and place our trust in Allah (subhanawataála), OVER anyone and everyone else.
Without this trial, we may never have realised this.

So, when marriages dont work out, for whatever reason - its not because: 'He/ she was a revert' or 'He/ she was a bad person', etc
Allah azza wajjal will judge that.
It is for you to work out what was the lesson that Allah Taa'la is trying to teach you.

Ultimately, He only desires that we return to HIM.
And He would continue giving us trials in life - in many forms (sometimes by means of other people) - so that, in shaa Allah, we realise this.....before our time runs out.


:wasalamex

 

[MustafaMc]

And He would continue giving us trials in life - in many forms (sometimes by means of other people) - so that, in shaa Allah, we realise this.....before our time runs out.

Assalamu alaikum, sister, another thought came to my mind. Marriage often calls for us to forgive the other at times and at other times to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes words are said or actions taken in marriage that are very hurtful to the partner. It is easier to get a divorce during those difficult times, but often times it is better to stay together and work toward forgiving each other. I believe that it is pretty unusual for someone to be deeply hurt and then be able to forgive the transgressor, but those who do so experience a small similitude to what we hope for on Judgment Day. I believe that, in and of itself, is a rare blessing - sorta like a rainbow after a thunderstorm.