My husband is making my life hell

[Snowflake]

^^^^ does not matter i have good point. what matters some people think it is okay to treat a wife like this!!! and such a man is a blessing! and one shouldnt do anything about it because people have it a lot worse then you!! it is culture so it is okay!

and we all know those using patient dont mean in terms of dua otherwise they would have made that clear too.

Ukhti two wrongs don't make a right. Remember, the Prophet sallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a believer does not have iman until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. If you disagree with anyone then you can say you disagree and say why in the way you'd like for yourself. I am speaking from experience when I've exploded at people because my emotions got the better of me. We can learn not to do that insha Allah

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Ukhti two wrongs don't make a right. Remember, the Prophet sallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a believer does not have iman until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. If you disagree with anyone then you can say you disagree and say why in the way you'd like for yourself. I am speaking from experience when I've exploded at people because my emotions got the better of me. We can learn not to do that insha Allah

ok i understand. thanks

 

[Abz2000]

didn't you say he can't afford another apartment sis?
maybe he's just not too particular about it and would it not be unfair to burden him beyond what he can bear?
and regarding those who are inciting the sister against him by backbiting, it would be fair to say these things if he was aware of this thread so he could reflect too,
in the absence of such imho it is best to give positive advice to the sister in her presence so that she doesn't go off on an emotional one without anyone to support her with balanced views during the argument,
this situation calls for reconciliation not division
peace


On one occasion, the Prophet's wives, led by A'isha and Hafsa, asked him for some money which he did not have.
The Prophet (pbuh) was distressed, not because he did not have the money to give them but rather because it was the demand of money they were after.
At this time, both Abu Bakr and Omar visited him and they found the Messenger of Allah seated, surrounded by his wives who were all silent and somber looking. Abu Bakr said to himself, "By Allah, I will say something to cheer up the Messenger of Allah!”
So he said to the Prophet (pbuh): "O’ Messenger of Allah! If I were to see the daughter of Khadija asking me for money, I would strike her on the neck!" The Messenger of Allah smiled and said, 'These ones you see have asked me for money." So Abu Bakr went to grab A'isha (his daughter) and Omar went to grab Hafsa (his daughter), both exclaiming, "Do you ask the Messenger of Allah for something he does not have!" The women said, "By Allah, we would never ask the Messenger of Allah for something he does not have!"

 

[ardianto]

The OP is living in the culture that has tradition which the wife is obligated to serve the in-law. But the root of the problem in this case actually the husband immaturity and his lack of independence, not the tradition itself.

A husband is the leader of the family. And the first duty of the husband in marriage is build his own family which has its own autonomy under his authority. This is the thing that not done by the OP husband. He did not build his own family, but he still in his origin family and 'drag' his wife to his family.

Like I have said, the problem is not in the tradition, because as the leader of the family, the husband can use his authority to adjust this tradition according to his wife ability. If the wife able to serve his parent once a week only, he can make a rule, his wife serve his parent just once a week. And he can use his authority as the leader of his own family to refuse when his parent try intervene with force his wife to serve them more than his wife ability.

But in this case, the OP husband cannot refuse if his parent want his wife serve them everyday although his wife objected to this matter, because he does not have his own family where he becomes the leader.

This is the root of the problem in this case.

 

[anonymous]

Salaam all,

sorry i have been busy which is why i havent been able to post.

Fatimah - i can say how i feel whether you may think it is immature - if you were in the situation then you would understand. i am not young love, i am in my late 20s.

Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.

I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.

Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.

 

[ardianto]

Have you tell your father about your problem ?

 

[ardianto]

I am a introvert, i love my own space

Not only love their own space, typical of introvert persons is prefer to avoid conflict. It makes them hard to say "No". And choose to follow what people around them want, although in the heart, they refuse it.

After I evaluate this case from the OP posts, I found this problem happened because:

The OP husband did not build his own family, but he still in his origin family and 'dragged' the OP in his origin family. From post #25, I saw his family did not 'release' him to build his own family. I guess, his family do not want to lose him, and unfortunately, the OP husband afraid to his family.

The OP husband force his wife to always serve his family because his family want it, and he cannot refuse it. The OP husband action which threat the OP, he will marry another wife indicate that actually he is panic. He afraid his family will angry to him if his wife refuse to serve them again.

And this problem is going worse because the OP afraid to say "No" when her husband force her to serve her in-law. But I do not blame the OP. I understand how introvert person is, because basically I am an introvert too.

So, the key to solve this problem is actually is in the OP husband, not in the OP herself. If her husband still afraid to build his own family and draw the line between his own family and his origin family, this problem would never be solved.

Need someone or some people who can raise his courage to build his own family, also explain to his origin family that he and his wife need to live in their own life.

My advice to the OP. Call her father to talk with her husband and her in-law.



PS : I make a post like this that not directly refer to the OP (the anonymous sister) because I expect other members who want to give advice know the situation before they write a post.

 

[Salahudeen]

Salaam all,

sorry i have been busy which is why i havent been able to post.

Fatimah - i can say how i feel whether you may think it is immature - if you were in the situation then you would understand. i am not young love, i am in my late 20s.

Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.

I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.

Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.

As others have suggested if its too much for you to handle, tell your father who will be able to handle the situation with wisdom inshaAllah and he will be able to talk with your husband and hear why he demands of you to go to your in laws every day and then your father can explain to him why this isn't productive for your marriage. It's making you depressed etc and you feel suffocated.

 

[ژاله]

OP you do have a point. If you would rather live in your own appartment, your husband should let you. I am surprised how many members here are biased towards your husband even when his behaviour is not justified. Its important that you know your rights and dont accept the unjustified treatment just because everyone is suggesting so. You know, its a cultural thing. Men are almost always right, women wrong. Dont let it overwhelm you dear. Stay strong.

 

[Ansariyah]

Can he not financially support you, you mentioned that your dad pays for his apartment. In Islam a man is suppose to be able to provide for his family before marriage.

I think your Dad should stop paying for his apartment. Cleaning at your in laws, is really not your responsibility either. I assume your from south Asian culture as this practice is more common there? Islam encourages us to treat our in laws like our parents and be kind to them. But they should be kind to you too. They can't expect you to clean and cook for them when you have your own home to take care of. Whatever you do for them do it for Allah's sake, but if you really feel like it's too much you need to be able to say sorry I can't. Do it only when you can and want to.

As for him dropping you at your in laws when he attends other places, can't you tell him that you prefer to stay at your home?

 

[syilla]

There are always solution for everything. Try to negotiate with others. Let divorce be the last resort. I'm sure when you look back this is only a small problem. So stay strong, be flexible and take care

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

You got your own flat... surely you have time now and then?


I know this might sound stupid but what EXACTLY do you want?


Please plainly look into your heart and let me know what you want. I am eager to hear your response.

I read out your situation to my married sisters and they said you sound like you have a lovely situation HOWEVER your husband should give up the football day and spend that time with you.

My sisters arent introverts though so i guess thats different... they love being around their in-laws.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

You need to go see a marriage counselor together with your husband and tell him what you're telling us. No one here is a qualified counselor, but most are unmarried young people.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

May i suggest you seek advise and dua's from a religious sheikh also.

there may be a lack of understanding somewhere inside both you and your husband, you wont believe what a dua from a man beloved to Allah can do.

 

[ardianto]

You got your own flat... surely you have time now and then?


I know this might sound stupid but what EXACTLY do you want?


Please plainly look into your heart and let me know what you want. I am eager to hear your response.

I read out your situation to my married sisters and they said you sound like you have a lovely situation HOWEVER your husband should give up the football day and spend that time with you.

I think you didn't follow this thread closely.

My sisters arent introverts though so i guess thats different... they love being around their in-laws.

Your sisters are not this anonymous sister. Your sister's husbands are not this anonymous sister's husband.

They are different persons with different characters, different personalities, and different life.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I think you didn't follow this thread closely.

Your sisters are not this anonymous sister. Your sister's husbands are not this anonymous sister's husband.

They are different persons with different characters, different personalities, and different life.

no i didnt follow the thread closely, but I really wanted to both ask the question I asked and let the sister know that there are people out there who spend 24/7 wth in-laws.


Did I make a huge mistake somewhere?


salaam

 

[ardianto]

no i didnt follow the thread closely, but I really wanted to both ask the question I asked and let the sister know that there are people out there who spend 24/7 wth in-laws.

I know some women who live with their in-law, and feel happy. But like I have said, different persons, different life.

Okay, before I continue I will show you an advice that I gave to a sister.

There is no any rule in Islam that mention, after getting married husband and wife should live in .......

If you want to have your own space and do not want to live with your in-laws, just talk to your husband.

But sis, not every husband afford to buy or rent a house. If your husband has not afford to buy or rent the house and decide to live with his parent, you should live with him. And always support him to make money and always make du'a wish Allah give him enough income to buy or rent a house, and then you can move to your own space.

Also I have said, the first duty of husband is establish his own family that has its own autonomy, I mean free of intervention from other parties. That's what those women husbands have done.

They have their own reason to live in the husband parent houses. And decision to live there are husband's decisions that have been 'approved' by the wives. It's made those wives did not mind to live with their in-law.

But this anon sister case is different. She wanted to live in her own space, her dad has given her an apartment. But her husband force her to work for her in-law everyday. He drive his wife to his parents home, leave his wife there, busy with his own business, and back to his parents home only to take his wife back to her apartment.

This anonymous sister husband treat her like a maid.

[[I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.]]

Her husband didn't care what she wants or she need. This is not sign of good husband.

[[Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.]]

But when the husband family order him to do something, he always follow what they want. That's why I said he did not establish his own family (that has autonomy and free from intervention)

[[Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.]]

What is the purpose of marriage for this man? to build a family or to have a maid for his family?


Bro, if your sisters feel happy to live with their in-law, that's because their husbands are good husbands who know how to treat the wives.