my husband wants polygamy at any cost

[peacefulone]

salaam alaykum
I need advice. I have a problem i have been working on since before I met my husband and he married me knowing my problems. It involves him now because he is my husband and we are a team. But he doesn't care about finding a solution. All he wants are his desires to me be met. He threatens me that he will marry again because of my problems. I was okay at the beginning with him marry again but now I'm not. I do not want polygamy because I have had time to think about it and it is not right for me and my life. I want a simply marriage life with two people growing old together.
And everytime I say I want a divorce he threatens me that I agreed to polygamy so I have to stay with him. I feel this is oppression since I do not want that now that I know all the details. People make polygamy sound easy and simple but it is not.
But I am afraid of commiting a sin if I leave him, or never getting an imam to divorce us because he is very argumentative and he will try to convince the imam only he is right.
I thought about just leaving on my own even if we are still married. I have enough of my own money to live alone. I do not need to divorce right away before i leave because I am not considering remarriage. I just want peace and freedom from his stubbornness and lack of consideration.

 

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Asalaam

It sounds like this is an issue of ego. If you can separate from him as he marries someone else, then why not just accept it but live apart as co-wives?

 

[Futuwwa]

A polygamous man is responsible for ensuring domestic harmony. Polygamy is not meant to be a way for a man to get his way despite problems with his first wife. Your husband sounds like the last man who should be a polygamist. I suggest you divorce him regardless of what he does.

 

[*charisma*]

A polygamous man is responsible for ensuring domestic harmony. Polygamy is not meant to be a way for a man to get his way despite problems with his first wife. Your husband sounds like the last man who should be a polygamist. I suggest you divorce him regardless of what he does.

We only know one side and very little of the story. I wouldn't suggest divorce this quickly without getting all the info.

From what I gather, he informed her that he wanted to have a second wife at the time of marriage to which she agreed to. She has problems which limit her from fulfilling his desires, those that which as a wife she should fulfill. He does not want to leave her but wants to get married for that reason. They get into an argument whenever he wants to discuss it and she threatens for divorce which fuels the fire. She's not willing for him to have a second wife (which would mean that the 2nd wife should live in separate accommodation), but she is willing to separate whilst being married to him as he pursues a 2nd wife? It doesn't make sense. Why not just accept it from the beginning? Also is this the only issue they have? And is he the type that would be fair to them both? Lots of clarity needs to be made. We don't want to be the cause of separating a couple.

 

[peacefulone]

We only know one side and very little of the story. I wouldn't suggest divorce this quickly without getting all the info.

From what I gather, he informed her that he wanted to have a second wife at the time of marriage to which she agreed to. She has problems which limit her from fulfilling his desires, those that which as a wife she should fulfill. He does not want to leave her but wants to get married for that reason. They get into an argument whenever he wants to discuss it and she threatens for divorce which fuels the fire. She's not willing for him to have a second wife (which would mean that the 2nd wife should live in separate accommodation), but she is willing to separate whilst being married to him as he pursues a 2nd wife? It doesn't make sense. Why not just accept it from the beginning? Also is this the only issue they have? And is he the type that would be fair to them both? Lots of clarity needs to be made. We don't want to be the cause of separating a couple.

I did agree to it. He thought i agreed based on a single question. But we never discussed what it meant to be polygamist. And i did not know really detailed information as its a foreign concept.

I am not fighting with him but he is the one domineerinf and forcing his opinions on me.

I would not stay married when i leave. I would leave and divorce as soon as i found someone reasonable to divorce me by khula.

Im pretty sure hes not that mature and settled to be married and would ruin my life with his ego problems if i stayed. Nobody is causing me to divorce. I pretty much hate him already and want to know how i leave

I hope that clarifies

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Typo: i did Not agree

 

[manofIslam]

Dear sister,

I'm sorry that you're going through so much angst and pain; Would it be a simple thing for you now, to just file for divorce from your husband?

 

[peacefulone]

I want to do it be islamic way first because then he cannot touch me .
But if i have to file the divorce in court first then i will try.
I am afraid of him ...he us angry over anything he does not get his way. I cannot say no or he breaks my things.
I need to get away from him and i think i will never remarry because his behaviour is very common in todays world. I just want peace and solitude

 

[manofIslam]

Well I think, it that case, the best thing to do is to seek the advice of an Imam; but if that is not possible, see a solicitor about divorce proceedings and also about your safety.

 

[peacefulone]

salaam alaykum
Allah gave me the solution last night. I will stay married because a part me can grow to love him again. But as soon as he takes a second wife then I will also demand my rights to 100% financial support by quitting my job and announcing I am staying home forever and not working again. I will also start to save every dollar I earn from now for that day when I quit my job. He will never be able to borrow money or be helped financially from me.
There is no way I am going to work from now and put in heavy work earning money to help him get ahead in life if he is going to turn around and stab me in the back when he is successful.
That is my right too. and he agreed to support me too.

 

[manofIslam]

Allahu Akbar!!! Well done, dear sister!!!

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Allahu Akbar!!! Well done, dear sister!!!

 

[Alamgir]

salaam alaykum
I need advice. I have a problem i have been working on since before I met my husband and he married me knowing my problems. It involves him now because he is my husband and we are a team. But he doesn't care about finding a solution. All he wants are his desires to me be met. He threatens me that he will marry again because of my problems. I was okay at the beginning with him marry again but now I'm not. I do not want polygamy because I have had time to think about it and it is not right for me and my life. I want a simply marriage life with two people growing old together.
And everytime I say I want a divorce he threatens me that I agreed to polygamy so I have to stay with him. I feel this is oppression since I do not want that now that I know all the details. People make polygamy sound easy and simple but it is not.
But I am afraid of commiting a sin if I leave him, or never getting an imam to divorce us because he is very argumentative and he will try to convince the imam only he is right.
I thought about just leaving on my own even if we are still married. I have enough of my own money to live alone. I do not need to divorce right away before i leave because I am not considering remarriage. I just want peace and freedom from his stubbornness and lack of consideration.

Asalamu Alaikum

You cannot blame him since you did agree to it.

Anyway, what exactly is your problem? If it's something too feminine to reveal to the male members here then I suggest speaking privately with one of the female's on this forum, because I think actually mentioning the problem will help someone try to find a solution for you.

Given the current information you have presented, I would suggest you plead with him to not get another wife as much as possible and try to fulfil his needs.

Either that, or you try to live with another wife.

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salaam alaykum
Allah gave me the solution last night. I will stay married because a part me can grow to love him again. But as soon as he takes a second wife then I will also demand my rights to 100% financial support by quitting my job and announcing I am staying home forever and not working again. I will also start to save every dollar I earn from now for that day when I quit my job. He will never be able to borrow money or be helped financially from me.
There is no way I am going to work from now and put in heavy work earning money to help him get ahead in life if he is going to turn around and stab me in the back when he is successful.
That is my right too. and he agreed to support me too.

Okay, but from what you've described he sounds a little abusive. You should seriously get an Imam to sort things out, if you can't do it alone get some of your family (or better yet, your husbands family) to come with you.

 

[peacefulone]

Alkhorsani
I do not need to justify my decision not to be in polygamy. Its my right to leave if he does it. Im an independant lady and i can take care of myself again like i did before i met him.
All he has been doing for me since the marriage is create drama.
Sheesh...
I never met a selfish unapprecting person like him before. I gave up a lot and i supported us with my own money.
I do not want this kind of marriage any more.

 

[xboxisdead]

Alkhorsani
I do not need to justify my decision not to be in polygamy. Its my right to leave if he does it. Im an independant lady and i can take care of myself again like i did before i met him.
All he has been doing for me since the marriage is create drama.
Sheesh...
I never met a selfish unapprecting person like him before. I gave up a lot and i supported us with my own money.
I do not want this kind of marriage any more.

I am so glad you guys don't have kids. You can always ask for khullah. Go to Islamic court and ask for Khullah and give them your reasons behind it and see where you can go from there.

 

[peacefulone]

I am so glad you guys don't have kids. You can always ask for khullah. Go to Islamic court and ask for Khullah and give them your reasons behind it and see where you can go from there.

Im glad i did not have his kids too.
I do not know if the islamic court in london services canadians.
I can move out next month or as soon as i get my own place though and force the divorce

 

[Alamgir]

Alkhorsani
I do not need to justify my decision not to be in polygamy. Its my right to leave if he does it. Im an independant lady and i can take care of myself again like i did before i met him.
All he has been doing for me since the marriage is create drama.
Sheesh...
I never met a selfish unapprecting person like him before. I gave up a lot and i supported us with my own money.
I do not want this kind of marriage any more.

You did say you agreed to polygamy in the first place, so the fault is upon you for not thinking more into the matter.

I clearly said that you should get an Imam to help resolve these issues you have with your husband, and if that doesn't work and he's truly as evil as you say, get a divorce.

 

[xboxisdead]

Im glad i did not have his kids too.
I do not know if the islamic court in london services canadians.
I can move out next month or as soon as i get my own place though and force the divorce

Actually I was more worried about the kid itself...not whether it came from your husband or some other man and that I am glad it did not come from him and he did not have his own seed spreading in this world as this thinking never was in my mind when I said it. My heart and worry is on the child itself..the well being of the child and the psychic of the child and whether the child have a loving home or not (not whether the child comes from a rapist or not or it is an offspring of a criminal or not). I don't care much about the adults or their feelings. So I am happy that there is no child in general! Last thing I want is a child born from a broken family home and then the child miss out in a healthy marriage, have no fathers around, born to see his/her parents fighting each other..etc.

This is why I say and will keep saying it. NEW WED COUPLES DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN until FIVE YEARS have passed! Minimum. Preferred 7 years if possible before having offspring.

By the way...I am not saying this so that I am bro man or something...but I am saying it for your sake to avoid you having to deal with anger of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) but you cannot just up and leave and go some place when you are married. You know Islamically you are not even allowed to leave the house without your husband's permission and if he said no and you leave regardless the angels and all the creations of Allah after Allah (himself) will curse you and you will be a cursed woman. My advice is to contact a shiekh...contact an islamic court before you packing your things and leaving into your home. I know you are a strong independent women who don't need a man and you can have it all and you are as powerful and if not more powerful than a man and and and and...but the laws of Allah applies even if you can left a man with one of your arms alone. So unless you really don't care..and you convince yourself you can just ask for forgiveness and and repent and thus give you green light to do whatever you want to do as thinking that somehow Allah (Subhaanu Wa talaa) works for you...my advice not think like that...my advice is to do it the correct way...packing your things and moving into an apartment is really how Kufar women do things (they kufar women go as far as been bored with their husband and pack their things and go. Heck, even cheat on their husband willingly and the husband is a good man and she kicks him out of the house, take his children, take his wealth and put him in prison for added touch. This not the way of a Muslim woman). However, UNLESS YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER and there is risk of death occurring and he is physically abusive and you will end up in the hospital or dead....then by all means leave and save your skin. But if he is verbal loud and angry you still have to do it the correct way..ONLY I am saying this to protect you from end up getting punished in the afterlife. I am really trying to help you here..check your rights correctly. Ask a shiekh, tell him your situation..go to Islamic court..if they say you are justified to leave without your husband's permission and to save yourself...THEN AND THEN do it.

Ones again if your husband is physically abusing you..then leave. Just remember though...you cannot cheat or lie to Allah (Subhanau Wa Talaa)...so whatever you say we will believe you automatically but know that only Allah knows the truth and you can't trick him.

 

[peacefulone]

Assalamu alaykum
Everyone says contact a sheikh or imam. But the only imam here is lacking in strength of deen. He does not help by discussing things he just gives up and orders women to go to police about their husbands. He doesn't try to resolve anything first. he doesn't even discuss things to help me gain prespective. If people run and report to police that ruins both the security of the wife and the reputation of the husband. How the heck is that supposed to being doing any good? he will forever be in the 'system', and she will be dragged off to a dirty old shelter with of dangerous people.
I can wait until I have security in life to make final steps. There is no point to fight a system that sets women up for failure and shame. I have a job alhamdulillah and slowly saving money. If I have to leave at some point then I will
But whomever said I should just stay married if I am leaving...thats a stupid idea. How can I stay married to someone I will hate? Marriage involves giving rights to your husband and I will not do that if I hate him. AS nobody should do that if there is not love there. cowives kill the love of the first wife for her husband.
And someone said we have a child and started ranting about that?? no we do not. sooo...no need to lecture on that issue as its a moot point.
And people keep trying to force me to agree to polygamy again just because I did at first when I didn't realize how much it was awful.
Sheikhs have even made lectures about a womens right to leave a polygamist if she discovers she can't handle it regardless of any agreement she had initially. to do otherwise would be forcing a women into oppression and misery when she doesn't want to be in polygamy.

 

[xboxisdead]

Assalamu alaykum
Everyone says contact a sheikh or imam. But the only imam here is lacking in strength of deen. He does not help by discussing things he just gives up and orders women to go to police about their husbands. He doesn't try to resolve anything first. he doesn't even discuss things to help me gain prespective. If people run and report to police that ruins both the security of the wife and the reputation of the husband. How the heck is that supposed to being doing any good? he will forever be in the 'system', and she will be dragged off to a dirty old shelter with of dangerous people.
I can wait until I have security in life to make final steps. There is no point to fight a system that sets women up for failure and shame. I have a job alhamdulillah and slowly saving money. If I have to leave at some point then I will
But whomever said I should just stay married if I am leaving...thats a stupid idea. How can I stay married to someone I will hate? Marriage involves giving rights to your husband and I will not do that if I hate him. AS nobody should do that if there is not love there. cowives kill the love of the first wife for her husband.
And someone said we have a child and started ranting about that?? no we do not. sooo...no need to lecture on that issue as its a moot point.
And people keep trying to force me to agree to polygamy again just because I did at first when I didn't realize how much it was awful.
Sheikhs have even made lectures about a womens right to leave a polygamist if she discovers she can't handle it regardless of any agreement she had initially. to do otherwise would be forcing a women into oppression and misery when she doesn't want to be in polygamy.

Sister I want to say this to you so that you avoid become a disbeliever without you knowing and you spend your entire life praying and your prayer is not accepted because you need to do shahada and fix the situation that you are not aware of from the first place....I am not saying you are a disbeliever...I am saying I want to avoid you being one without you knowing and end up in that situation above ^ without you knowing...and that is the worst situation to be.....when you finally hand in the exam and you failed it without knowing why you failed it thinking you passed it....

You cannot hate polygamy....because that is mentioned in Qura'an and it is halal for the man...so be careful. Just remember..not to hate the very polygamy itself but to love it but...but...you don't want to be in the situation because your husband is failing in applying polygamy in the correct way that Allah (SWT) have ordered us to do it in Qura'an. Had your husband did it the right way...and followed the Qura'an correctly in how to do it....then you would not even be posting here in the first place and would love it and push it for other sisters out there. It is not the polygamy is the problem it is YOUR HUSBAND who is failing in giving your rights correctly...by all means leave your husband and find someone who can give your rights correctly even if it is another man who already have three wives and you are the forth one. Remember...don't leave because of polygamy itself...leave because your husband is not giving your rights correctly as a wife and not because of polygamy.

You understand where I am coming from?

 

[Nitro Zeus]

Assalamu alaykum
Everyone says contact a sheikh or imam. But the only imam here is lacking in strength of deen. He does not help by discussing things he just gives up and orders women to go to police about their husbands. He doesn't try to resolve anything first. he doesn't even discuss things to help me gain prespective. If people run and report to police that ruins both the security of the wife and the reputation of the husband. How the heck is that supposed to being doing any good? he will forever be in the 'system', and she will be dragged off to a dirty old shelter with of dangerous people.
I can wait until I have security in life to make final steps. There is no point to fight a system that sets women up for failure and shame. I have a job alhamdulillah and slowly saving money. If I have to leave at some point then I will
But whomever said I should just stay married if I am leaving...thats a stupid idea. How can I stay married to someone I will hate? Marriage involves giving rights to your husband and I will not do that if I hate him. AS nobody should do that if there is not love there. cowives kill the love of the first wife for her husband.
And someone said we have a child and started ranting about that?? no we do not. sooo...no need to lecture on that issue as its a moot point.
And people keep trying to force me to agree to polygamy again just because I did at first when I didn't realize how much it was awful.
Sheikhs have even made lectures about a womens right to leave a polygamist if she discovers she can't handle it regardless of any agreement she had initially. to do otherwise would be forcing a women into oppression and misery when she doesn't want to be in polygamy.

I understand that it is hard, have you tried "Askaboutislam.net"? There you have asking sections, they have: "ask about islam", "ask the counselor" and "ask a scholar".

 

[azc]

[MENTION=42749]peacefulone[/MENTION]:
;wa;

If you have decided to leave your husband then who can stop you.

If your husband isn't ready for khula then resort to court for divorce.
But...

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:“Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah :swt1: .” (Reported by Abu Dawud)

https://archive.islamonline.net/?_e_pi_=7,PAGE_ID10,1365293618

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