My journey to purifying my soul: how do i become a better muslim? (LONG, sorry)

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Mustafa16

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I was angry this afternoon after coming home on the bus from school.....some kid in special ed who has worse problems than me was making fun of me for being muslim, as usual, even though i complained to the special ed office about him, so i went to the assistant principal of the school, and it took nearly an hour to talk to her, and in the middle of that time, she said,
"wait here, ill be out in ten minutes, you can sit down" but the special ed paraprofessionals and one coach who helps with special education thought she said to come with them, but i tried telling them she said to wait in the main office, but they kept persisting, and i argued, and refused to leave, and even when the assistant principal came to tell them i can stay, later....
a teacher came to tell me to come with her....i tried telling her, but she wouldnt listen, so i started yelling about how "north metro" (what they call the program) was a pathetic excuse of education and how they were all incompetent and that's why i came to the people with "real education degrees" and who are "real educators" unlike the "special ed teacher trash" she said, "boy, i dont have time for your nonsense," and yelled at me....
i eventually complained, and by the time i got back to my class, my lunch was cold...(the computer lab, where i had an online class).....i got angry at my paraprofessional (who monitors me wherever i go, and goes on 2 five minute walks with me every period), and ignored her, and also yelled and picked on a kid i suspected of gossiping about me last week (i complained about him to the teacher today, and she was slow, so i got flamboyantly passive aggressive, and she sent me out, and when i came back, i picked on the kid)...
i was seething with rage by the time i got to the bus, and even felt like yelling at the mentally deficient kid on our bus because he often annoys me by insisting i say bye to him every afternoon when he gets dropped off, by saying, over and over again, "bye... sinan" and when a student is missing, asking, "where is he?" to the bus driver until he gets an answer.....but i decided it wasn't his fault....after he was dropped off..
i made all kinds of empty violent threats against the kid who bullied me behind his back, like "one of these days im gonna punch him" and i was about to listen to a rap group's song "f*** the police" as an act of rebellion, and to calm myself down....but i thought, "wait....music is haram what are you doing?" i tried justifying it by saying it was to calm me down, but i told myself, "then listen to the quran!" i listend to surah al waqiah ("That Which is Coming") with english subtitles, and i was so soothed...
i listened to it many times, but at that moment, after hearing Allah swt's promises of what would occur to the good believers, the disbelievers, and the sinners, all anger at turkish politics, american politics, middle eastern politics, prejudice at school, incompetency of educational staff....it all went away...
i started to feel changed, like everything was going to be all right....and that this world is not important except....for something more.....(i know what it is, but i often take it for granted)....i even started to question gulenism, as it was turkish culture, western culture, and pacifist, intellectual islam mixed together.....all iwanted to think about was how to obtain the things Allah aza wa jal promised in this chapter to those who go to heaven...
when i got home, i even started to pray slower....is this just a short burst, a bubble that's going to pop? i want to know how to be a better muslim......
what should i do? what's happening to me?
 
salaam

pray salah - try to improve day by day. Do good deeds in remembrance of God. Repent from past sins. Stay Calm.

peace
 
Improve your character as much as you can I feel as if when you first turn back to Islam that it's allot easier to do and if you improve your character it's one of the best things allah loves and when you Have iman low and when you are angry ittl really help out with you not screaming curse words at people or backbiting which is good because it'll save you from bad bad sins also if you used to lie because I used to before I was a good Muslim then I would suggest stopping that even lying for a joke or to a little kid just basically analyze yourself and remove all your sins from yourself one by one do 2 rukah for ever single time you commit a sin this helped me allot when I first started off learn more ayas and also learn the translations so when your praying the words feel more powerful basic salah wont do anything to your heart unless your sincere remember just look up to the best Muslims and try to be like them watch lectures from Muslim scholars this helps allot and usually look it up on particular subjects that you need help with mufti menk is one of my personal favorite scholars and my favorite video that inspired me to become a better Muslims from him was a sad reality I knew if your on this website and a Muslim but you seemed expressive about sin and all that that allah sent you here to get some guidance and had some plans to guide you don't let highschool take over your soul all of these people will just try to piss you off if you keep showing reaction react with a smile be nice or if you don't want to treat them like little kids if you need advice on specific subjects you can message me id love to help you out
 
This is all allot to do considering your just starting to try but I'd say these are all goals and ways to improve yourself
 
I often feel the same way when I am behind the wheel, driving... I can become a man obsessed! People call it 'red mist' ....

It seems to me like you have it figured out, but dealing with it is something else. Instead of listening to music to soothe yourself, you listened to the Quran... what more can you do? That is on the path, at least. But you will need to remember that these tests will be given throughout your life.... sometimes the remedy will seem not to work and the test becomes even harder to deal with. But as long as you can maintain that logic like you did about music, then you should at least be on the guided path. Like fighting, you may win the battle, but you may also end up badly bruised.

Keep it up!


:peace:
 

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