Can you elaborate on this? This seems like a great point. Sadly many people have rejected me or seen me as extreme or reject me for asking too many questions
Similar to what Yvhere said.
By asking many questions, I am talking about things that pertain to the marriage. So it would be religious questions, personality questions, lifestyle questions, etc.. things that affect you basically..
Yeah for example asking about the family background might be a little weird since they don't know what your intentions are. But if you are asking things about your future in laws, there is nothing wrong with that because they will affect you. I think it is mostly females with this problems though, they need to ask about the suitor's family because I've noticed some Muslim girls end up becoming servants to their husband's fam
But most of the time, where people will find you extreme is based on your religious questions. I actually made a list on here of a bunch of religious questions I'd ask specifically myself in reply to one of Imraan's posts I think.. Some of them were a bit unnecessary lol but for the most part I would ask them. But sometimes I wouldn't even need to ask of the specific ones because I can already tell these are the types of Muslims that are similar to my ideal type
Basically starting off with the more basic questions like what they're aqeedah is, how they view Islam, a bunch of general questions on Islam and how they take the religion. Because nowadays you have people who believe in modernizing the religion, etc.
And then you would go into the more specific things, so are there certain things that your suitor does that will influence your deen in a good or bad way? And these questions differ for all Muslims since we are all different.. How does your suitor use her time.. What does she do during her day.. How would she describe her daily/weekly life as a Muslim.. How does she want to see the future family turning out.. What are her goals for the fam.. Because some people have serious religious passions to get married while others may not care as much
And also you should see if she believes in Islamic family roles. Not to an extreme level, but as long as she acknowledges that + a good healthy partnership = success
You can even ask her what'd she'd do in hypothetical situations to see her mentality. I've actually known a good couple (very strong muslims).. They did stuff like that and they talked about how at first the marriage meetings were literally interview processes. And alhamdulilah they both are happily married sacrificing for each other
After a bunch of questions pertaining to the topics I've told you + more of your own, you can understand by their answers what type of Muslim they are. Just based on the way they speak, you can tell if she is the type of muslim you're looking for
What you got to strive for is not just a Muslim, but a Mu'min. Someone who constantly tries implementing Islam into their lives, not changing things to their desires.. Someone motivated to follow Islam in every single thing.. Because that person will also be very excited to get a pious spouse.. Of course all of us sin, but the difference between Muslims and Mumins is that these Mu'mins are always seeking knowledge and trying to follow the true Islam even when it comes to the smallest things of their daily lifestyle
If someone thinks you're extreme for asking these religious questions.. Chances are, they MIGHT (not always) not be the Muslim you were looking for because they themselves may not have taken someone's deen to an important extent for the marriage. If you think this person misunderstood you, communicate with her and let her know how important deen is to you and ask her to be honest. but most pious people would understand how this is something important as long as you aren't being rude, judgmental, uncomfortbly bold/demanding, or extremely serious
You just gotta keep your guard up before marriage so that when you get married you can finally lower it and allow companionship, compromise, and trust to kick in
And as for personality.. Chemistry.. You can all figure that out while meeting.. It comes more natural I think
