My married boyfriend...

[Fer.jun]

Assalam Aleikum dear sisters and brothers,

I really need your opinion about an issue I am into:

My boyfriend of almost 2 years is married. I accidentally found out about at the end of last year, when I was browsing his pictures on Facebook when I was alone and bored. I have asked him several times before that if he is or ever was married and he would always deny and tell things like "Of course not, don't be silly". And if that just wasn't enough I found him flirting online, writing and contacting other women. All the time he told me how much he admires and adores me and he indeed treats me like a princess, like I always dreamed of being treated by a man. That's why I also developed such strong feelings like I never had, I want to become the mother of his children and I want to be his wife, want to meet again in the hereafter. Before him I was lost and never had been into any religion and he opened my heart for Islam, showed me the beauty of this great philosophy and teachings! I am more then greatful for what he has given to me and I can find myself finally feeling in the right place, where I belong...
Anyway, I cannot accept his marriage because he lied to me and I also have huge trust issues since I learned he was flirting online.
Brothers in particular, and sisters, does anyone of you have any advice for me? I really love him and want to stay with him but I also do not want be cheated. His marriage was kind of arranged, it is his 12 yr older cousin who never got married and also threatened him with suicide if he wouldn't marry her. He is from Bangladesh.

Any advices, any suggestions on how I may be able to deal with this? I also feel bad of taking away someones husband but he says he never loved her and wants to get divorced, too.

 

[drac16]

Wa alaykum salam

Gosh, I don't know where to start. You've been with him for years and he still hasn't married you? he is using you. He had a marriage behind your back and then downplayed it. He cheated on his wife by dating you. He's a pig. If you were to marry him, how would you know that he wouldn't cheat on you? he's done it before, he can do it again. That pig is not worthy of being your husband or the father of your children.

There are many men who would actually be faithful, believe it or not. There are many men who would actually approach you in the sunnah's way, which is to meet with your wali and get married. The Qur'an only has marriage as the lawful relationship, so you aren't supposed to date. You've landed yourself into this mess because Allah is showing you the ill effects of sin. I praise God that your boyfriend was exposed as a cheater. Use this as an opportunity to break up with him and repent of your sin. Sister, please don't play around with an illicit relationship, especially with a self-centered pig like him.

 

[Fer.jun]

Wa alaykum salam

Gosh, I don't know where to start. You've been with him for years and he still hasn't married you? he is using you. He had a marriage behind your back and then downplayed it. He cheated on his wife by dating you. He's a pig. If you were to marry him, how would you know that he wouldn't cheat on you? he's done it before, he can do it again. That pig is not worthy of being your husband or the father of your children.

There are many men who would actually be faithful, believe it or not. There are many men who would actually approach you in the sunnah's way, which is to meet with your wali and get married. The Qur'an only has marriage as the lawful relationship, so you aren't supposed to date. You've landed yourself into this mess because Allah is showing you the ill effects of sin. I praise God that your boyfriend was exposed as a cheater. Use this as an opportunity to break up with him and repent of your sin. Sister, please don't play around with an illicit relationship, especially with a self-centered pig like him.

Well, I am expecting answers like that. I know what he did is not right and what he did to me and his wife is one of the worst things to do. I met one of his friends who also lifes in this country to study. He has told me about his wife and that she indeed threatened to suicide if he wouldn't marry her. On top of it all his family put a lot of pressure by starting to tell they have a relationship and they have to get married.

You also have to understand that I am a convert and I also have my past. Thats how we met and how our relationship started. We both didn't know wether this will work out at all, because there was all the time and still there is the chance he will loose his visa for staying in this country. Its very unlikely though but it might happen, so I am not that concerned about the marriage. He doesn't want people to think he married me because of the visa, people already got bad impression only because he is a foreigner. He is working really hard on getting the visa to stay here and he already spoke to his wife and family last time he visited his country that he wants to get divorced. He might be just talking, but he is treating me just right and just with so much respect and I mostly see he is trying hard. I don't mind that he was flirting, it bothers me that he did so online and made it sort of official. If you saw us together you might understand why I am still with him. He says he wants to marry me, but he has to get divorced first. I also demand to get married not only the muslim way but also infront of my countries laws,so that both of us have real rights. My country is a christian country and officially a muslim marriage doesn't count much so I want everything to be right. To sum it up: both of us are patient because of making everything right. Of course it is important to get married the muslim way, but imagine we become parents, the child wouldn't be protected by that and also I wouldn't be. Also he would have to proove that he really got divorced, which is very important for me.

About the chatting/flirting: he wrote to many women but only few replyed, like 2 maybe. He checked his mails like once a month and I got thw feeling he might have done that because of my past, that he doesn't feel about himself and also maybe to check his market, guys and girls both do that. I also did inbetween, when he told me that I should meet other people because he might not stay.

It's a big story and people aren't just bad... if he was treating me **** and wouldn't show me that much that he does love me I wouldn't be staying. I broke up for less with other boyfriends in my past life so tell me why I am not getting rid of that feeling that this might be worth it?

I also see your point and I appreciate what you say, but calling him a pig is still not right. He might not be the best but still he is human and humans make mistakes, that's why Allah gave us our freedom and dignity, so that we can make those mistakes and turn back to him the sooner we realise.
"...and he is most forgiving, most mercyful."

I want to have a reflected opinion without calling someone names.
Of course there are men who will make it up to me the right way, but will they make me feel the same way? Will they make me feel good about my female feelings and difficulties? Will they support me and back me up the way he does? Will they treat me just like he does?

I might wake up one day knowing you were right, friend, but I might as well wake up with someone whom I cannot love and I will cheat in my mind missing that man who might as well have been the right one...

 

[Zeal]

Sis It is Allah that guides through whatever means he wishes your obligation is not with him but Allah

 

[Kiro]

wswrb

you posted on a Islamic forum so I am just going to give you Islamic advice

Islam prohibits relationships outside of marriage so break up the relationship and find a halal relationship if you wish to become closer to Allah

 

[Reminder]

Your fault.

Dating is haram.

Multiple wives is Halal.

 

[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

Sister, however hard it is, you should just pack up your bags and leave him *immediately*.

No man, let alone Muslim, can be excused for cheating on his wife like that and also leave you hanging like this for so long. He just is not the right man for you, or any woman tbh, and it may be hard for you to hear this after having been in a relationship with him so long, but a practising Muslim man would never behave in this way. You were not at fault at the time, he should have known better, but now it is your responsibility to leave a haraam relationship and focus on building yourself as a Muslimah.

You would have been guided to Islam whether you was with that man or not, Allah swt is the One Who provides guidance.

And, inshaAllah, if you leave someone or something for the sake of Allah swt, He will provide you with something better. You will most definitely find someone who is serious about his deen and deserves you, inshaAllah.

 

[Little_Lion]

Sis, he may have shown you what a beautiful religion Islam is but he has only shown you part of it. Dating is forbidden in Islam. Period. Full stop. Even worse is cheating on your wife, even if you expect to get divorced. You may wish to spend Eternity with him but with him right now you are committing one of the greatest sins imaginable; though Allah alone is the final judge, I would not get my hopes up that this relationship would end in a happy Eternity for you.

My advice is to accept Allah fully, and that means also accepting all of His commandments. That means ending this haram relationship with this man. He is leading you to evil. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. You know Allah loves you and wants only the best for you. If he gets a divorce, then by all means marry him (but remember, he has already proven himself to be a flirt and prone to cheating, and you have to decide if you can live with this), but until that time stop communicating with him. I know it is difficult; I am speaking from the perspective of someone who was in a haram relationship myself when I came to Islam. But it is something you must do for yourself, or risk not only dire consequences on this earth, but also in the Hellfire.

 

[ardianto]

Of course there are men who will make it up to me the right way, but will they make me feel the same way? Will they make me feel good about my female feelings and difficulties? Will they support me and back me up the way he does? Will they treat me just like he does?

Assalamualaikum, sister Fer.jun

I remember a moment that happened long time ago when I was young. I got phone call from my ex-future wife. She told me that she wanted to meet me. So we met in the afternoon on a public place.

In our meeting she told me that she already accepted a man as her future husband, and she would get married. She started to talk about her new future husband, and then honestly she said she felt less comfortable with his character and personality. But I told her that she must try to understand and willing to accept her new future husband.

I could understand if she felt uncomfortable with her new future husband. In that time I heard from my friend that she felt hard to leave her memories with me, she always remember her sweet moments with me. And then she felt disappointed after she accepted another man as her new future husband because he could not treat her like I treated her.

But that's happened long time ago. Now I still hear news about her, and I hear now she lives happily with her husband and children. Alhamdulillah, I am happy to know it.

Okay, back to you, sis. Can you find another man who can treat you like your boyfriend treat you?. Can you find another man who can make you have a feeling same like your feeling to your boyfriend?. The answer is no, because every man is different. That's why you have to be willing to open your heart to accept someone new although he is different than your boyfriend. In halal way, of course. In marriage.

In the beginning indeed, you will feel hard to accept someone new who must be different than the old one. But with willingness, In Shaa Allah, the new love will arise in your heart and you will be happy with the new.

Yes, I suggest you to leave your boyfriend. I know that you still love him. But you must realize that he is now belong to someone else.

 

[sister herb]

But you must realize that he is now belong to someone else.

Salam alaykum

I think this is the most important thing. It´s one lesson of the life and it´s not easy lesson - to accept the things which now may hurt your own heart. But would you like it that someone else´s heart will be broken because of you?

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

If he's willing to cheat on his wife with you, then he's willing to cheat on you with other women (which he is already looking to do). It doesn't matter if he doesn't love his wife; he married her. She has rights, just as you'd want your rights when you get married. Adultery is one of the major sins in Islam. You are a Muslimah now, so you should do your best to be a better person and your boyfriend is not the ideal man to help you get there. He is toying with your emotions because a real man would have already divorced a wife he "didn't love" or not married her in the first place, and then afterwards in the halal way would have gotten to know you and marry you (he can also take you as a 2nd wife), but he obviously doesn't have a spine to do things the right way, and is still looking for haram when he's already in a state of haram. Allah gives us so many halal options when it comes to the opposite gender, and to choose what is forbidden gives us no excuse in the hereafter.

That being said, stop feeling guilty about your past. If you've already taken your shahada, your past sins are forgiven inshallah, so do not put yourself in a lower standard than anyone else and do not accept for yourself anything less than what you deserve. Marriage is extremely special but it has it's ups and downs. You need someone who will be faithful and honest to you during the downs, and who is strong not to give in to haram or allow you to do haram as well. He is not that type of person, even if he introduced you to Islam. Remember that it is ALLAH who guides, so don't give that man so much credit. You deserve better. Leave him and find yourself.

 

[Fer.jun]

Assalamualaikum, sister Fer.jun

I remember a moment that happened long time ago when I was young. I got phone call from my ex-future wife. She told me that she wanted to meet me. So we met in the afternoon on a public place.

In our meeting she told me that she already accepted a man as her future husband, and she would get married. She started to talk about her new future husband, and then honestly she said she felt less comfortable with his character and personality. But I told her that she must try to understand and willing to accept her new future husband.

I could understand if she felt uncomfortable with her new future husband. In that time I heard from my friend that she felt hard to leave her memories with me, she always remember her sweet moments with me. And then she felt disappointed after she accepted another man as her new future husband because he could not treat her like I treated her.

But that's happened long time ago. Now I still hear news about her, and I hear now she lives happily with her husband and children. Alhamdulillah, I am happy to know it.

Okay, back to you, sis. Can you find another man who can treat you like your boyfriend treat you?. Can you find another man who can make you have a feeling same like your feeling to your boyfriend?. The answer is no, because every man is different. That's why you have to be willing to open your heart to accept someone new although he is different than your boyfriend. In halal way, of course. In marriage.

In the beginning indeed, you will feel hard to accept someone new who must be different than the old one. But with willingness, In Shaa Allah, the new love will arise in your heart and you will be happy with the new.

Yes, I suggest you to leave your boyfriend. I know that you still love him. But you must realize that he is now belong to someone else.

Aleikum wa salam dear brother.

Thank you first of all for your reply.

I have to clear things up I guess: he was married before we met, he got married when he came to this country to study his masters.
His family, especially her side of the family, gave him a huge pressure to marry her, dispite she is more then 10 years older and he saw her just as his cousin, nothing else. He is that kind of person whos family means a lot to. He speaks about his parents a lot and how much he wants to repay them for all the effort and support they gave to him when he grew up. He says that he thought he would sort of give something in return to them if he married her. At the same time his wife tryed to kill herself because she wanted to marry him so badly. Her brother and other members of her side of the family started to nag him, push him, his parents never said anything against the marriage but as he later found out weren't too happy about it either. Eversince the relationship between his parents became weird, they used to hug each other, now they became distant. She threatened him almost every day with her suicide talks which made him helpless and alone. The only "halal" thing here is that they are married, if you really want to consider this a rightous marriage. But a true marriage is about understanding and supporting, not trying to controlling the other. Allah knows what is inside us, he knows what we really think and feel. So please note: it was an arrangement and he never willingly said yes to the marriage. On top of it all he owes money to her, which she is using against him. When he opened up about the divorce she through her mobile at him and he was having a huge pain on his wrost fpr more then a month.
The day we spoke about his marriage he cried the whole night and he feels bad for many reasons, he gives himself all the judgement and now he even hurt me, which makes him feel even worse. I met his closest friend who is like a brother to him, we spoke about it all and as someone who knows my boyfriend he says that I should give time so my boyfriend can sort things out.
On the one hand I understand your point and it would be just great if things were that easy. But honestly: I dont believe that it wise to be with someone who you do not love and whom you cannot feel connected to. You will always miss that one person who gave you all you needed and made you feel fulfilled and therefore you will commit something even more worse then adultary: you will pretend to love someone and you will lie to yourself, you will lie to the other person who might as well have feelings for you. You will play with feelings and at one point you will regret it all. As I mentioned before: Allah knows whats in our hearts and only he knows what we really feel, what we did. Allah gave us the chance to solve our mistakes by getting divorced and he gave us the right to do so. You know why this is such a biggy for Allah? Because if you got divorced you probably knew already about your real feelings for that person and if you play with someones feelings it's the worst thing you can do, because you disrespected Allahs creation, you disrespected the spirit he gave us, our dignity and the freedom of this person, his creation.

That's why of course I get the point of making a relationshio Halal, of course this is best and greatest goals every woman and man should strive to. But if you have an arranged marriage it is never Halal, because you never got the chance to really understand whether you do love this person. Allah gave passion and love between us so that we may care for and understand each other, become partners, how can you do that if you do not know the person, get married so quickly and then are stuck with this person until you can afford the divorce?
I miss your understanding of this arranged marriage here, I miss your rational response in terms of what is rightous here. How can you put a marriage which was arranged and never wanted over a relationship which is filled with all those things Allah has given to us, making us partners as couples are supposed to be. He is not happy with this marriage, ge does not love that women, how could he? She only forced hin into this by threatening him with suicide attempts! This is not Halal, its just unfair to play any person into such a marriage.

 

[Fer.jun]

Assalamu Alaikum

If he's willing to cheat on his wife with you, then he's willing to cheat on you with other women (which he is already looking to do). It doesn't matter if he doesn't love his wife; he married her. She has rights, just as you'd want your rights when you get married. Adultery is one of the major sins in Islam. You are a Muslimah now, so you should do your best to be a better person and your boyfriend is not the ideal man to help you get there. He is toying with your emotions because a real man would have already divorced a wife he "didn't love" or not married her in the first place, and then afterwards in the halal way would have gotten to know you and marry you (he can also take you as a 2nd wife), but he obviously doesn't have a spine to do things the right way, and is still looking for haram when he's already in a state of haram. Allah gives us so many halal options when it comes to the opposite gender, and to choose what is forbidden gives us no excuse in the hereafter.

That being said, stop feeling guilty about your past. If you've already taken your shahada, your past sins are forgiven inshallah, so do not put yourself in a lower standard than anyone else and do not accept for yourself anything less than what you deserve. Marriage is extremely special but it has it's ups and downs. You need someone who will be faithful and honest to you during the downs, and who is strong not to give in to haram or allow you to do haram as well. He is not that type of person, even if he introduced you to Islam. Remember that it is ALLAH who guides, so don't give that man so much credit. You deserve better. Leave him and find yourself.

Aleikum Wasalam,

thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.

The marriage is also my decision, I do not accept being his second wife knowing he would not get divorced. I demand a proove of him being divorced, I want to get married in front of Allah and my country, so that I have my rights also officially. On the other hand he does not want anybody to believe he married me for the passport, he doesn't want to give a bad picture of himself or his countrymade (eventhough he already did by lying about his marriage and those profiles).
Looking and flirting is actually not a bis deal, back in the days before internet men and women would maybe flirt at a bar or an evening with friends, just checking their "market" and then come home happily to their family without ever doing anything harmful. He also never did anything harmful, he just wrote several women "hi, how are you?" and thats it. He never met anybody since he is with me, one time he gave his number to a woman but they also never met and he also does not have any contact details of her or any other woman, not even his wife. I checked everything, he had to give me all passwords and phone and just everything. We argued a lot about it and I start to recover from that, but it will take time.
Still I am having my doubts, just as you say "Will he be faithful with me? He was able to cheat his wife - will he cheat me as well?" And then again he tries hard to get the permanent residence for Germany by getting a fulltime job so that he can get divorced, support his father who lost his job recently and help his sister to get married. I know already that this all will take a long a time and it's really hard. My first thought was also that he is just a pig who plays with me and I understand that everyone would think that if I tell that story. By the way, only a view people know about it, which is my decision, because I also do not want people to think bad of me.

I left people for less before I became Muslimah and actually Islam made me hold up to this whole mess even more. Maybe one day I can tell you people that this turned out to be just the right thing to do. Because, think about it, if our hearts can survive this, we can call ourselves really PARTNERS...

I thank you really for your advise and I know that leaving him would be the so called "halal" way. But it would also be the easiest thing to do and the easiest is mostly the weakest...

 

[Born_Believer]

wswrb

you posted on a Islamic forum so I am just going to give you Islamic advice

Islam prohibits relationships outside of marriage so break up the relationship and find a halal relationship if you wish to become closer to Allah

well, this is the only answer that matters

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

My dear sister, you are already aware of what the correct thing to do is, but you are experiencing a heavy cloud of emotions here and its raining tears. Our advise will do little to make you feel better during this time, rather it will feel like a mountain you have to climb in this storm in your life, and the ground beneath you feels slippery. But you must realise a very important thing. Where is your focus? Whether this man has a wife or not, whether he was forced to marry her or not, whether he cheated or not, whether he lies or not, whether he is a good person or not, none of these matters or calculations are relevant. What should be your concern and focus is your position in the sight of Allaah. You honoured and elevated and purified yourself when you accepted Allah as your Lord and Muhammad :saws1: as His messenger. Please ask yourself a question; By remaining in this illegitimate relationship, are you being loyal and faithful to Allahs commands? I know it hurts sister, and the eyes may be too overwhelmed by tears to see and the heart too broken to understand, but the storm is happening in your life for a reason. You need to correct your relationship with your Lord, because Allah wants to save you from more unimaginable storms, and believe me, we will not be able to bear those. Cry if it hurts you, let it out, it's okay, but do the right thing sis. Sometimes the heart needs to break in order for it to be restored to its original health and Eemaan. It is a painful process, but time is the best healer and after the storm there is sunshine.

May Allah give you the courage. Aameen.

 

[aaj]

Aleikum wa salam dear brother.

Thank you first of all for your reply.

I have to clear things up I guess: he was married before we met, he got married when he came to this country to study his masters.
His family, especially her side of the family, gave him a huge pressure to marry her, dispite she is more then 10 years older and he saw her just as his cousin, nothing else. He is that kind of person whos family means a lot to. He speaks about his parents a lot and how much he wants to repay them for all the effort and support they gave to him when he grew up. He says that he thought he would sort of give something in return to them if he married her. At the same time his wife tryed to kill herself because she wanted to marry him so badly. Her brother and other members of her side of the family started to nag him, push him, his parents never said anything against the marriage but as he later found out weren't too happy about it either. Eversince the relationship between his parents became weird, they used to hug each other, now they became distant. She threatened him almost every day with her suicide talks which made him helpless and alone. The only "halal" thing here is that they are married, if you really want to consider this a rightous marriage. But a true marriage is about understanding and supporting, not trying to controlling the other. Allah knows what is inside us, he knows what we really think and feel. So please note: it was an arrangement and he never willingly said yes to the marriage. On top of it all he owes money to her, which she is using against him. When he opened up about the divorce she through her mobile at him and he was having a huge pain on his wrost fpr more then a month.
The day we spoke about his marriage he cried the whole night and he feels bad for many reasons, he gives himself all the judgement and now he even hurt me, which makes him feel even worse. I met his closest friend who is like a brother to him, we spoke about it all and as someone who knows my boyfriend he says that I should give time so my boyfriend can sort things out.
On the one hand I understand your point and it would be just great if things were that easy. But honestly: I dont believe that it wise to be with someone who you do not love and whom you cannot feel connected to. You will always miss that one person who gave you all you needed and made you feel fulfilled and therefore you will commit something even more worse then adultary: you will pretend to love someone and you will lie to yourself, you will lie to the other person who might as well have feelings for you. You will play with feelings and at one point you will regret it all. As I mentioned before: Allah knows whats in our hearts and only he knows what we really feel, what we did. Allah gave us the chance to solve our mistakes by getting divorced and he gave us the right to do so. You know why this is such a biggy for Allah? Because if you got divorced you probably knew already about your real feelings for that person and if you play with someones feelings it's the worst thing you can do, because you disrespected Allahs creation, you disrespected the spirit he gave us, our dignity and the freedom of this person, his creation.

That's why of course I get the point of making a relationshio Halal, of course this is best and greatest goals every woman and man should strive to. But if you have an arranged marriage it is never Halal, because you never got the chance to really understand whether you do love this person. Allah gave passion and love between us so that we may care for and understand each other, become partners, how can you do that if you do not know the person, get married so quickly and then are stuck with this person until you can afford the divorce?
I miss your understanding of this arranged marriage here, I miss your rational response in terms of what is rightous here. How can you put a marriage which was arranged and never wanted over a relationship which is filled with all those things Allah has given to us, making us partners as couples are supposed to be. He is not happy with this marriage, ge does not love that women, how could he? She only forced hin into this by threatening him with suicide attempts! This is not Halal, its just unfair to play any person into such a marriage.

Whatever the circumstances were of his marriage. The fact of the matter is that he is married. If he was too weak to get pressured in by them then that is his fault. If he is bullied by her taunting of suicide then that too is his fault. If she wants to kill herself, then he should remind her the punishment in there Hereafter for one who takes their own life and then leave it to her to do whatever she wants. If she kills herself then that's on her. He should not allow that to be used as a manipulation and controlling mechanism.

The fact of the matter is that he is married to her islamically. And any relationship outside of that is haram, especially adultery, being a punishable sin by death. Rather then going about the haram way he should learn to man up and take care of things properly. He can divorce her if he is not happy with the marriage. This is not that hard to do, especially if he is living in the west. One call can take care of it and she can do what she wants. He's friend is helping him in sin and will equally be responsible for it by advising you as such. Rather then engaging in adultery, it is better he does the nikkah and marry you. It's better he has 2 wives and workout whatever resolution he wants with his first wife. At least, this relationship is not haram. And when you two are ready you can go do the civil marriage.

Allah knows what is in our heart so it's ok to sin outward is a poor excuse that won't hold up on Judgement day. Please do not try to speak on behalf of Allah. He has made marriage a sacred bond, do not sully it with adultery. He has made relationships between man and woman permissible through marriage only, do not sully that. He has made the sin of adultery to be death by stoning so you can feel the pain as you felt the immoral pleasure. This is all to protect the sacred bond of marriage and the family institution. This is greater than any feelings someone feels in their heart. IF their heart is not at peace then He has given them a way out through divorce, not adultery. Please do not try to validate your reasoning and logic in such a way, you are disrespecting the Creator more than His creation.

Arrange marriage is halal, please do not try to pass fatwa either. Arrange marriage is just one of many ways for couple to get married. Arrange marriage is not what the problem is here. What constitutes a halal marriage is both partying agreeing to it, arrange or otherwise. Whether he was happy or not, pressured or not, he said and agreed to it. Therefore, he signed and agreed to a nuptial contract and therefore bound by Islamic law to uphold that contract. Love has nothing to do with, nor does love come before marriage. Millions of people have gotten married throughout history and still do without having per-marital relationship. The islamic courtship is different then the western concept of fornication and then marriage. Please do not try to validate your haram relationship based on western notion of love and relationship nor on putting on Allah for giving you passion and love. Passion and love is from Allah but He also told us how to use it the halal way, not haram way.

The shaytan has given you this haram relationship not Allah. If you want this haram relationship to continue then the sin is on you both. If you want Allah's blessings in your relationship then it has be halal only. If you feel you can't leave him despite his immoral character and will make excuses for him by blaming his wife then that is your prerogative. We have only heard his side of the story, we don't know the woman's side of the story so we don't really know the full facts.

It may seem not fair but it is halal. He signed the contract and is bound by it. Rather then crying about it he should man up and do what is right. Either give her her islamic rights and loyalty as her husband or free her with divorce and go do whatever he wants. Same goes for you. Either do nikkah so you are married and then sort out this mess later or continue this haram relationship if you want. We have stated what Islam says and where this relationship stands in light of Islam. The choice is yours.

 

[Regrets1]

Walaikum salaam.
Good advice has been given to you by the members, But seems like you have made up your mind already and want him in your life. First of all it's a haram relationship so it won't bring happiness.
* He married his wife to make his parents happy??didn't he think that by just marrying her won't make them happy, he will have to give her rights and make her happy so everyone's happy.
* He lied to you that he's never been married, he spoke to other people behind your back and you still want him??
* He's good with his words just like many men out there, girls get trapped, why? Because when you speak to a man he starts to understand you better than you understand yourself and just play you. (Speaking from personal experience)
* He 'might' be with you for visa..many men are in live in relationships (haram) to get visa. They even have kids without marriage just for visa.
*He is a married man. Leave him and focus on becoming a better muslimah, pray for the right person to enter your life who will not just make this life beautiful for you but akhirah also. And if he's the right one youl get him, he might leave his wife..repent for the haram relationship with you and approach you in halal way.
*His friends will obviously take his side, they will never tell you the truth. The person who claimed to love you lied to you, so why'd his friends tell you the truth?
*Dont keep falling for his words, storys & tears.

*DONT TRUST HIM

 

[*charisma*]

On the other hand he does not want anybody to believe he married me for the passport, he doesn't want to give a bad picture of himself or his countrymade (eventhough he already did by lying about his marriage and those profiles).

It doesn't matter what other people think. He needs to stop making excuses and avoiding doing what's right, and you need to stop making excuses for him.

Looking and flirting is actually not a bis deal, back in the days before internet men and women would maybe flirt at a bar or an evening with friends, just checking their "market" and then come home happily to their family without ever doing anything harmful. He also never did anything harmful, he just wrote several women "hi, how are you?" and thats it. He never met anybody since he is with me, one time he gave his number to a woman but they also never met and he also does not have any contact details of her or any other woman, not even his wife. I checked everything, he had to give me all passwords and phone and just everything. We argued a lot about it and I start to recover from that, but it will take time.

It is a big deal. You know why? Because you're not even married yet and this is how unstable the relationship is. A relationship based on haram will not end in a blessed marriage. Secondly, even though nothing transpired with the women, it could have had he been given the chance. He thought about cheating, he committed the act towards it, but because he didn't get the same response, it didn't happen. You have to remember that this is a muslim man, whether today or in the past, his gaze should be lowered and he has to maintain his modesty and be faithful to his wife. What you feel for each other is not genuine love, it's lust. If you love each other, you'd protect each other from the haram until HE figures this all out and does it the proper way.

I thank you really for your advise and I know that leaving him would be the so called "halal" way. But it would also be the easiest thing to do and the easiest is mostly the weakest...

If it's easy to leave him, then you would have done so. And if being "weak" means doing the right thing, then that's OK, it's what you should do! Don't feel weak doing the right thing. It takes a strong woman to put her wrongs behind her and walk away from them. You are attaching yourself to the small hope that this relationship might possibly work itself out. I'm here to tell you that based on what you've shared, it will not. It's an unstable relationship based on haram, and you're the only one doing the work by trying to make it "halal," but since he is not on the same train with you, it's like you're willing to give up your morals and drive into the wall if he does too. That's unhealthy and it's not love. If he's not making it clear and easy for you, and there's still a lot more hardships ahead just as you've mentioned, and you're still holding on to a thin thread of hope, then you have to let go and move on cuz it's not worth it. When Allah blesses a relationship, the marriage happens so easily and is full of happiness, closure, and affirmation. I don't see any of that here. You would not feel doubt about him, and he would not be caring about what "others think" while continuing his wrong doings.

 

[Fer.jun]

It doesn't matter what other people think. He needs to stop making excuses and avoiding doing what's right, and you need to stop making excuses for him.



It is a big deal. You know why? Because you're not even married yet and this is how unstable the relationship is. A relationship based on haram will not end in a blessed marriage. Secondly, even though nothing transpired with the women, it could have had he been given the chance. He thought about cheating, he committed the act towards it, but because he didn't get the same response, it didn't happen. You have to remember that this is a muslim man, whether today or in the past, his gaze should be lowered and he has to maintain his modesty and be faithful to his wife. What you feel for each other is not genuine love, it's lust. If you love each other, you'd protect each other from the haram until HE figures this all out and does it the proper way.



If it's easy to leave him, then you would have done so. And if being "weak" means doing the right thing, then that's OK, it's what you should do! Don't feel weak doing the right thing. It takes a strong woman to put her wrongs behind her and walk away from them. You are attaching yourself to the small hope that this relationship might possibly work itself out. I'm here to tell you that based on what you've shared, it will not. It's an unstable relationship based on haram, and you're the only one doing the work by trying to make it "halal," but since he is not on the same train with you, it's like you're willing to give up your morals and drive into the wall if he does too. That's unhealthy and it's not love. If he's not making it clear and easy for you, and there's still a lot more hardships ahead just as you've mentioned, and you're still holding on to a thin thread of hope, then you have to let go and move on cuz it's not worth it. When Allah blesses a relationship, the marriage happens so easily and is full of happiness, closure, and affirmation. I don't see any of that here. You would not feel doubt about him, and he would not be caring about what "others think" while continuing his wrong doings.

Well, you are not wrong... neither is anyone else here, only a few I disagree with... I know this whole thing is not right and that he has to work it out for us or stay with his wife. That's of course what I want and I will not accept any other solution, that's why I cannot accept being his second wife at all!
And about those chats, if it wasn't a situation like ours I would've felt hurt too, but still I would forgive and try handling it and work it out... but any other guy might at least not have lied about his marriage... lets see what I am going to do... I want to be with him and I also do not want to loose contact but I also do not want to be fooled and last but not least I want to make it right...

 

[Fer.jun]

Whatever the circumstances were of his marriage. The fact of the matter is that he is married. If he was too weak to get pressured in by them then that is his fault. If he is bullied by her taunting of suicide then that too is his fault. If she wants to kill herself, then he should remind her the punishment in there Hereafter for one who takes their own life and then leave it to her to do whatever she wants. If she kills herself then that's on her. He should not allow that to be used as a manipulation and controlling mechanism.

The fact of the matter is that he is married to her islamically. And any relationship outside of that is haram, especially adultery, being a punishable sin by death. Rather then going about the haram way he should learn to man up and take care of things properly. He can divorce her if he is not happy with the marriage. This is not that hard to do, especially if he is living in the west. One call can take care of it and she can do what she wants. He's friend is helping him in sin and will equally be responsible for it by advising you as such. Rather then engaging in adultery, it is better he does the nikkah and marry you. It's better he has 2 wives and workout whatever resolution he wants with his first wife. At least, this relationship is not haram. And when you two are ready you can go do the civil marriage.

Allah knows what is in our heart so it's ok to sin outward is a poor excuse that won't hold up on Judgement day. Please do not try to speak on behalf of Allah. He has made marriage a sacred bond, do not sully it with adultery. He has made relationships between man and woman permissible through marriage only, do not sully that. He has made the sin of adultery to be death by stoning so you can feel the pain as you felt the immoral pleasure. This is all to protect the sacred bond of marriage and the family institution. This is greater than any feelings someone feels in their heart. IF their heart is not at peace then He has given them a way out through divorce, not adultery. Please do not try to validate your reasoning and logic in such a way, you are disrespecting the Creator more than His creation.

Arrange marriage is halal, please do not try to pass fatwa either. Arrange marriage is just one of many ways for couple to get married. Arrange marriage is not what the problem is here. What constitutes a halal marriage is both partying agreeing to it, arrange or otherwise. Whether he was happy or not, pressured or not, he said and agreed to it. Therefore, he signed and agreed to a nuptial contract and therefore bound by Islamic law to uphold that contract. Love has nothing to do with, nor does love come before marriage. Millions of people have gotten married throughout history and still do without having per-marital relationship. The islamic courtship is different then the western concept of fornication and then marriage. Please do not try to validate your haram relationship based on western notion of love and relationship nor on putting on Allah for giving you passion and love. Passion and love is from Allah but He also told us how to use it the halal way, not haram way.

The shaytan has given you this haram relationship not Allah. If you want this haram relationship to continue then the sin is on you both. If you want Allah's blessings in your relationship then it has be halal only. If you feel you can't leave him despite his immoral character and will make excuses for him by blaming his wife then that is your prerogative. We have only heard his side of the story, we don't know the woman's side of the story so we don't really know the full facts.

It may seem not fair but it is halal. He signed the contract and is bound by it. Rather then crying about it he should man up and do what is right. Either give her her islamic rights and loyalty as her husband or free her with divorce and go do whatever he wants. Same goes for you. Either do nikkah so you are married and then sort out this mess later or continue this haram relationship if you want. We have stated what Islam says and where this relationship stands in light of Islam. The choice is yours.

Aleikum wasalam,

Also to you I want to say my thanks and I too want to tell you my appreciation for the time you took for sending me those words.

I have to admit that on the one hand I am of course influenced by my western way of growing up and there are certain parts of which I will always love and be greatful about. Our freedom for example which is not given to so many people in this world and I am very greatful to be lucky to be born in this country.

I believe many points of Islam and my western live style can be combined and share many great things.

Since you mentioned some rules of Islam according to adultary: it can only be charged with death penalty if you have at least 4 EYE witnesses. And even if you have those in case the woman says it has never happened the way its been said, the actual punishment will be 100 lashes and 80 for those who spread rumors about that woman and her dignity. So it's more like that, that in case you haven't seen with your own eyes and 3 more people did (which they could have only seen if the couple had sex on the street) then the case is rather in favour of those who arw accused, especially the woman. There is no word of stoning in Qu-ran my friend, so please beware. Death penalty is only spoken out in very few cases and none are connected to adultary. There are Hadeeth in fact which speak about stoning and as you might remember Mohammeds reaction (pbuh), he never wanted to stone a woman to death when she confessed fornication and demanded after 3 years after her child was born still. And only because of mercy Mohammed (pbup) accepted her approach because she was coming again and again and again to ask for her death penalty.

If marriage was only to be seen as a contract between two parties I ask you whats the difference between that and slavery? Because the way you are putting it, feelings do not count and it should be as much rational as possible. But then again why does Allah give those feelings for thw other sex to us if not for having a good marriage? What does a marriage count if it's just for the money, the savety or the marriage itself? If there are no feelings of passion and even lust, no caring, no mercy no understanding and many more of those great feelings Allah has given to us for each other, of what value is the marriage then and is it really what Allah wishes for us? He wants us to bw happy and be rightous and he gave us freedom, right? What is it for if not for finding and exploring those, finding ourselves in Allah and also with others? Taking a marriage only as a contract between two parties is a disgrace of the holyness that bonding between two souls. Humans are the ones who distroy the beauty of it by for example pushing their family members towards a marriage which the people aren't sure about. Arranged marriages aren't my concern if taking it as the simple way: introduce two people to each other and after a while they decide themselves. If you put emotional pressure on one of them, if everyone starts to push you and noone is there for you to speak to then you feel alone. A suicide attemp scarws4 people even more if it comes from a family member and not everybody is that strong to just leave the person with that. Maybe my boyfriend didn't have the guts to be so harsh and tell his wife "If you want to kill yourself you will burn in hell forever, now do whatever you want." - I also wouldn't know how I would've reacted. She was even in hospital, which must've been scaring. He might have believed he would make her life better, helping her with marrying her, dispite in the end he did not. So do not judge that simple. What happened can not be changed.

But I take your advise according to what I can do and I also thought many times about it how I can make it Halal. Getting married as his second wife is not a choice, eventhough Islam is giving that option still we need permission from his first wife and it does not help us getting the civil marriage any time sooner, which again makes it difficult for me then to understand that this is leading the way I demand it. By marrying him as his second wife he might not have the urge to marry me the civil way too and also he wouldn't need to proove me he is getting divorced.
So I'd rather be patient and wait for his full divorce and then I can marry him with no doubts. Otherwise I won't feel right about the marriage. Its weird how my western way of growing up made me feel alright about a haram relationship but so concerned about the rightous way of getting married. - but thats another topic.
To sum it up: I do not fully agree with you but certain points I will definitely include to my solution. It may still take time for me but I believe I can make it right. I hope it will turn out good for us.

Thank you for your advise and support.