My married boyfriend...

[*charisma*]

Well, you are not wrong... neither is anyone else here, only a few I disagree with... I know this whole thing is not right and that he has to work it out for us or stay with his wife. That's of course what I want and I will not accept any other solution, that's why I cannot accept being his second wife at all!
And about those chats, if it wasn't a situation like ours I would've felt hurt too, but still I would forgive and try handling it and work it out... but any other guy might at least not have lied about his marriage... lets see what I am going to do... I want to be with him and I also do not want to loose contact but I also do not want to be fooled and last but not least I want to make it right...

Go your separate ways because I truly believe in this saying..if you trust in Allah and trust that He knows what is best for you then you must understand that what is meant for you will happen no matter what, and whatever is not meant for you will never happen no matter how bad you want it. So that's the best advice I can give you in regards to what you should do. If this man is meant to be in your future, then he will be, but it would be better that it happens in a way that is pleasing to Allah, right? And if he is not meant to be in your future, then you can know in your heart someone much better is out there for you without having to do anything haram to get there.

 

[Aaqib]

Be grateful to Allah as he has showed you the ill effects of dating.

All advice has been given by previous members, so listen and follow sis.

 

[aaj]

Aleikum wasalam,


Since you mentioned some rules of Islam according to adultary: it can only be charged with death penalty if you have at least 4 EYE witnesses. And even if you have those in case the woman says it has never happened the way its been said, the actual punishment will be 100 lashes and 80 for those who spread rumors about that woman and her dignity. So it's more like that, that in case you haven't seen with your own eyes and 3 more people did (which they could have only seen if the couple had sex on the street) then the case is rather in favour of those who arw accused, especially the woman. There is no word of stoning in Qu-ran my friend, so please beware. Death penalty is only spoken out in very few cases and none are connected to adultary. There are Hadeeth in fact which speak about stoning and as you might remember Mohammeds reaction (pbuh), he never wanted to stone a woman to death when she confessed fornication and demanded after 3 years after her child was born still. And only because of mercy Mohammed (pbup) accepted her approach because she was coming again and again and again to ask for her death penalty.

Wa'alaikum as'salaam,

I'm well aware of the evidence requirement for the punishment of adultery. Without going into the details, I brought it up so you are aware of the severity of the crime in Islam and before Allah. There are lot of things that are not in the Quran. However, Allah says in the Quran that we have revealed it and something like it. That something is he Sunnah of the prophet (pbuh). And numerous verses in the Quran command the believers to obey the Messenger, saying those who obeyed the Messenger has obeyed Allah. Why? Because Allah says he does not speak of his own accord but we put words in his mouth. So anyone who claims to follow the Quran only is wrong on two accounts, one of abandon the Sunnah/hadith and two of disobey the Quran itself. It is an established fact that death by stoning is the shariah prescribed punishment for adultery. You are welcome to check with any Islamic scholar or judge.

If marriage was only to be seen as a contract between two parties I ask you whats the difference between that and slavery? Because the way you are putting it, feelings do not count and it should be as much rational as possible. But then again why does Allah give those feelings for thw other sex to us if not for having a good marriage? What does a marriage count if it's just for the money, the savety or the marriage itself? If there are no feelings of passion and even lust, no caring, no mercy no understanding and many more of those great feelings Allah has given to us for each other, of what value is the marriage then and is it really what Allah wishes for us? He wants us to bw happy and be rightous and he gave us freedom, right? What is it for if not for finding and exploring those, finding ourselves in Allah and also with others? Taking a marriage only as a contract between two parties is a disgrace of the holyness that bonding between two souls. Humans are the ones who distroy the beauty of it by for example pushing their family members towards a marriage which the people aren't sure about. Arranged marriages aren't my concern if taking it as the simple way: introduce two people to each other and after a while they decide themselves. If you put emotional pressure on one of them, if everyone starts to push you and noone is there for you to speak to then you feel alone. A suicide attemp scarws4 people even more if it comes from a family member and not everybody is that strong to just leave the person with that. Maybe my boyfriend didn't have the guts to be so harsh and tell his wife "If you want to kill yourself you will burn in hell forever, now do whatever you want." - I also wouldn't know how I would've reacted. She was even in hospital, which must've been scaring. He might have believed he would make her life better, helping her with marrying her, dispite in the end he did not. So do not judge that simple. What happened can not be changed.

Again, without going into details I was merely talking at the surface level. Marriage contract is the starting point and not the finish line. It allows you to be alone and spend time with another person in a halal way. In Islamic courtship the female meets the guy with her chaperone. And this can be one meeting or last a few years, how ever long they feel they need to make the decision of marriage. After the nikkah (signing of the marriage contract), they are free to do as they please with each other. Even then, some take time getting to know each other and building some interest before jumping in bed while some just get to the action.

It is better than going to the bar, having a drink and jumping in bed with the guy you hardly known for a few hours. I think you are failing to see the whole process of islamic courtship. Regardless of who pressured the guy to get married, no one was holding a gun to his head. He made the final decision and if feels it not right then he needs to fix it, not cheat on his wife.

But I take your advise according to what I can do and I also thought many times about it how I can make it Halal. Getting married as his second wife is not a choice, eventhough Islam is giving that option still we need permission from his first wife and it does not help us getting the civil marriage any time sooner, which again makes it difficult for me then to understand that this is leading the way I demand it. By marrying him as his second wife he might not have the urge to marry me the civil way too and also he wouldn't need to proove me he is getting divorced.
So I'd rather be patient and wait for his full divorce and then I can marry him with no doubts. Otherwise I won't feel right about the marriage. Its weird how my western way of growing up made me feel alright about a haram relationship but so concerned about the rightous way of getting married. - but thats another topic.
To sum it up: I do not fully agree with you but certain points I will definitely include to my solution. It may still take time for me but I believe I can make it right. I hope it will turn out good for us.

Thank you for your advise and support.

He does not need permission from his first wife to marry again, he has already gotten the permission from Allah. IF you do not want to do the marriage and be a second wife till this is resolved then you have to separate from him and have him take care of this first and then approach you with marriage. Based on what you have said so far, there is lot of misunderstanding about Islam from lack of knowledge. Its better you take this time to focus on your deen and learn more about it while he sorts his mess out. Starting out your life as a new Muslim with the major sin of fornication isn't exactly submitting to Allah and His Message, nor is it helping another Muslim commit the other major sin of adultery, nor is it honorable to cheat with the husband of another woman.

While we all here agree that he is an immoral person and not best candidate for marriage; however, it is your decision at the end. And if he is the one you want to be with then have him resolve his situation first before you continue any physical contact. In the meantime, take time off from this relationship and focus on your deen.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

I think all the others have told you about Islam and what is allowed and what isn't.

Just put it this way. He is married (happy or not is besides the point) but he is "going out" with you. Say for instance, he divorces the first lady, what's to stop him having a girlfriend once he has married you? I would love to think this young man would change his ways and not ever look at another female because he would be so happy with you but you have to be realistic too.

Did you say he is married, has you as a girlfriend but is still flirting with others online? :hmm:

 

[Scimitar]

Your fault.

Dating is haram.

Multiple wives is Halal.

Even that is conditional... big time.

Scimi

 

[Huzaifah ibn Adam]

Conditional with doing justice, yes. But still, men shouldn't be discouraged from marrying more than one wife. You also would marry four wives if you could, I'm sure (even though you may say no in public).

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Conditional with doing justice, yes. But still, men shouldn't be discouraged from marrying more than one wife. You also would marry four wives if you could, I'm sure (even though you may say no in public).

Which is absolutely fine but from what I recall, all the women should be aware of this. In this instance, the young man has a wife, a girlfriend and flirts online. I don't think the wife knows about the girlfriend or the online flirting.

 

[sister herb]

I don't think the wife knows about the girlfriend or the online flirting.

That´s a serious thing. If man lies to his wife and also to his girlfried (as he didn´t tell he is married before girlfriend found the truth). To how many others he also lies at the same time? To those others he is flirting online? How to trust to the words of kind of man?

 

[Nobody's Girl]

I'm sorry sister but honestly you have to pull the plug on this one. This relationship is dysfunctional to say the least. He is married and you only know his side of the story. Have you ever considered that he may not be telling you the whole truth. Honestly, I sense something fishy. And by no means is it okay to be flirting with other women all the while you are two-timing other ones. He is already taken and I know he probably tells you that you are different and special but please he is only pulling your leg. You are just another one of his conquers. I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone else on the side.

Please considet ending this relationship. It is a toxic relationship. I know you might think he treats you like a princess now but can you garauntee he will treat you the same way after a couple of years. Personally I highly doubt that. Hopefully there maybe good men out there who are honest and loyal to their women. I lost faith but maybe you can be lucky enough to find one.
I don't know but this is detrimental to your psychological well-being. As other membets pointed out he's probably cheating on both of you. Take my word for it, please stay away from him.

All the best.

 

[shamie]

My sister we all make mistakes and it's upon Allah to judge us but In my own opinion it depends on u and your fiancee but one thing don't allow him divorce his wife because of u coz u will never get peace if u accept to be the second wife well and good sister

 

[shamie]

My sister we all make mistakes and it's upon Allah to judge us but In my own opinion it depends on u and your fiancee but one thing don't allow him divorce his wife because of u coz u will never get peace if u accept to be the second wife well and good sister

And also my some times wen some one flats around it doesn't mean there is some thing between then learn to live your life and stop pushing your nose where it's not meant to be .If u want to have peace