My parents against me marrying

[Ushae]

I have to agree with both yourself and your parents to a particular extent. They are correct to a particular extent, you may very be too immature as they themselves have reaised you since you were a child.

However I do realise the difficult and taxing situation you are in at the moment. Todays value's are radically different o the ones that existed 10 years ago. Arranged marraiges aren't so...'arranged' anymore, or at least teh trend is dying down. I think the most important thing is to stay away from things that Allah would otherwise frown upon such as disrespect, dishonour etc.

Don't disrespect your parents at any costs. If you are going to show them that you can go through with a marriage with this young man, then you have to show them your maturity, commitment and empathy. I personally think, after your parents get past the whole 'solami' thing they will realise this young man isn't working and earning a heathy income...yet.

I really admire the fact that you are fighting for someone you love and believe in, so I think the best option is to work with him to show that you are fantastic couple. In my honest opinion you will not be able to marry him until he at least graduates from his studies and begins to earn a healthy living.

A parents prime concern isn't about the caste of the potential husband. It's actually how well respected and how well he earns a living. If your parens see this, they can be swayed to favor him. Remember to work with this young man to earn their respect and favour, do it in the most respectful and humble manner possible. Patience is a virtue, even if it takes years.

Also remember if things go awry, you will inevitably be left deeply hurt in the end. Just remember that Allah will always do what is best for you if ou ask for it.

Allah Hafis sister, I truly hope you succeed in this endaevor

P.S. Pray an Isthikara on this !

 

[Ushae]

P.S. If I remember correctly the prophet 'encouraged' inter-tribal marriages. So anyone stating otherwise is fabricating old-school values.

Islam > Culture .. remember that people. We belong to Islam first and a specific nation/culture second.

 

[TrueStranger]

Sis don’t stress about marriage. Allah has already decreed who you will marry, when and where. If it is meant to be it is meant to be, if not then it is not.

Don’t burden yourself while Allah has not burdened you.

Emotions can blind a person and corrupt their logic. Don’t make major decisions while you are swimming in the river of “love”.

Right now you are inhaling the delicate scent of love. Everything smells good and feels good. Soon the stench of reality will engulf your nostrils, and the delicate scent of love will vanish into thin air, leaving you to burden the nauseating odor of reality that was momentarily concealed by the delicate scent of love.

You will only be able to enjoy the delicacy of love when things are in harmony and under your control, and there is nothing harmonious about the marriage of two teenagers.

Patience, Patience, Patience, Sis, Patience

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

If we all worried about that no one would have ever married into another Race different to ours. We are Muslims we'll find a way enchaallah. Our parents both speak fluent english by the way.

I meant these are things to consider for the long run; things that need to be thought of now before they come up later.

enchaAllah we will make sure that we keep our fire burning. Love is not temporary, if its true it will last forever. I see how my auntie & uncle are towards each other, they look so in love and happy even after 17 years of marriage.

I'm sorry if I seem even more negative, but just by this statement it seems to me that all you've been exposed to of marriage are the ones that are all romantic and sweet, and this has caused you to form an ideal in your mind that if I and my beloved love each other truly, it'll last for ever. The reality is different. Love enables marriage, it doesn't guarantee it'll last. What guarantees marriage are other qualities that are within the person, not a feeling one has towards another. Many are the people that have gotten married due to feelings of 'true love' and have divorced a short time later, and some after many years too. And they still truly loved each other, but they divorced.

I don't mean to scare you or be condescending. Your responses here show that you are intelligent and mature Masha'Allaah. At the same time, I feel that you are overlooking some things that are serious and need not be overlooked. When I received similar advise when I was your age, my reaction was exactly the same as yours, yet now I realize how sensible the advise I received was and I want it to benefit you bi'idhnillah as it did to me.

I have no intention to do that nor does he. We want to do things the halal way and want the support of both our parents.

Good Alhamdullilah, I only intended to remind you of it.

Subhanllah, you seem very negative akhi. I will always be an Afghan. Nothing is going to change that. I love my people and I will never forget where it is that I came from. But my heart has no bounds, and we intend to be in the "in love phase" forever enchallah.

I think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean that you should change who you are or that you will change later on. I meant that a lot of people like to be idealistic and say: "We're Muslims, and that's enough to make our marriage run". Sure, I agree that being a Muslim crosses all bounds of race and culture. With the same token, you need to realize that you're culture has played a somewhat big role in who you are, how you think, and what you are; subconsciously at times, a person will see through the lens that his culture has defined for him. There are traits that every person has that is a result of the culture that he comes from, and sometimes these traits are so ingrained into us that they can easily become the reason for problems in marriage 2 years down the line.

So my point is not don't get married to this brother. No, I love and am a big 'fan' if you will, of intercultural marriages, but at the same time I have seen many fail due to same reasons I've highlighted above. The couples were also in 'love' and were planning to be so forever. So from what I've seen, I don't want your marriage to end like that. I thought it would be a good idea if you're aware of these things from now, before signing the nikah contract.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Trying to conflate Islamic values and rationale as per today's standards just simply cannot be done.

Can you clarify what you mean here?

The only middle ground here is retain ties, focus on what you want to do, whether it's work, study, soul searching etc. Do it, within the parameters of Islam of course, and remember that this is 2008, and statistics don't lie. Divorce rates are soaring higher than the Burj el Arab, don't get caught up in the romanticism of falling in love with someone from another backkground, albeit Islamic, when you know that invariably your folks are going to flip the switch and you'll witness a parental volcanic explosion like never before. Take it from me.

I agree with your premise. And you're right about divorce rates, and that is exactly what I meant to highlight to the sister - to not get caught up in idealism as opposed to reality.

Regarding the part on parents, I disagree to an extent; it depends really on the family. She knows her family best, so it makes no sense for me to tell her not to talk to her parents or to talk to them, to try and change their mind or not. She can decide that herself. Seeing as how she stated her parents have reacted, I felt she needed some tips and pointers maybe on how to approach them. At the same time, I'm in complete agreement that it's unwise to get too emotionally attached to a person before knowing whether it'll work out or not.

 

[ayan333]

you sound mature enough n like you know that you want

i was only trying to help..sorrry if it didnt help


May ALLAH (SWA) make everything easy for you

hope yall live happily ever after InshALLAH

 

[Intisar]

Somali families are very hard to please, I'll tell you that much.

i understand sis...but im so lost when it comes to tribes..my Mother always tol dus that when some one asks us what tribe we're form jus simply say we ara Muslim and leave it at that...

ive never been asked and InshALLAH itll stay that way

i belive you that its hard to please Somali families although ive never seen it..or i have im jus to blind to notice

let me say..you a strong girl...to face your parents about marriage..couldnt be me..im 17 now,n like i said before i couldnt eveeeer mention the m word to them..SubhanALLAH

InshALLAH yall will all meet the man of your dreams.a righteous one ofcourse,and you'll all have righteous children who fear ALLAH (SWA)

I don't think she should shield you from it, you should know your tribe and be aware of it but that doesn't mean you should divulge your tribe to any person that asks you.

At the end of the day, tribe is not the problem, but how people use it to hurt and demean others is.

I appreciate all the responses. although I must admit that most of you are plain negative. The Muslim I intend to marry comes from a wonderful Family, hamdulilah. He has sisters whom I'm closesly friends with, I know a lot about his character not only through knowing him personally but also through the people that live with him. My brother and him are the same age (both 18) they get along fine and have always been like brothers.

I am not going to marry his family. I know that they will be part of my life, and I am looking forward to it. The family is very practising & openminded. They're not into tribes etc they are actually mixed with Yemeni. Although I know that most somalis are obsessed with tribes but this is hamdulilah not the case for this family. I have known them almost my entire life. It's just our parents that don't know each other so well, and in time they will enchallah.

Not for all somalis sis (Not his Family). The Family is married into several different tribes & even other races.

I think you are generalizing. I could say the exact same thing about Afgani Families. And so could a Pakistani, indian etc. What differenciates people is their level in deen, personality, their outlook in life etc. Not everyone is the same, thank god for that.

If we all worried about that no one would have ever married into another Race different to ours. We are Muslims we'll find a way enchaallah. Our parents both speak fluent english by the way.

enchaAllah we will make sure that we keep our fire burning. Love is not temporary, if its true it will last forever. I see how my auntie & uncle are towards each other, they look so in love and happy even after 17 years of marriage.

I am fully aware of that fact and totally agree with you. I am not running away from a life filled with sorrow and want some man to save me from it. I know exactly what I am doing, I come from a very happy household and my relationship with my parents is close & very healthy. I can go to them and tell them anything. They have raised us to be that openminded and to never fear them but Allah.

I have no intention to do that nor does he. We want to do things the halal way and want the support of both our parents.

I have always loved him for Allahs sake.

I didnt go upto my mom and say "I want to get married mom", I gave her some obvious hints and asked her what she thought. I am close to my mom, I can tell her anything. thanks.

Subhanllah, you seem very negative akhi. I will always be an Afghan. Nothing is going to change that. I love my people and I will never forget where it is that I came from. But my heart has no bounds, and we intend to be in the "in love phase" forever enchallah.

I'm sorry sis but even Somali people that come from different variations of tribes can still be very tribalist, it doesn't matter. And I don't think I'm generalising when I say that Somali families are very hard to please, as I stated before I was in the same situation and I am a Somali sister whereas you are a Afghan sister. Surely the situations are different, but your situation would be much more harder on you since you're from different cultural backgrounds and therefore it will be harder to communicate between families.

Trust me when I say this, Somalis are in general a very warm, loving and gentle people but like Arabs we're very isolated and like to keep to ourselves. InshaaAllaah if you're really serious about it have lots of meetings with his parents, extended family, and close family members so as to get a bit of a better understanding of them.

I think you're just being a bit far-fetched by saying that you want to marry him at the age of 16, just look at the options inshaaAllaah and if your intentions are pure and you want to marry him so as to have a halal relationship for the sake of Allaah SWT then inshaaAllaah go for it. Make du'a and pray istikhara as well.

May Allaah make matters easy on you inshaaAllaah.

 

[Hamas]

Assalamu Alaikum

You are only 16 and you're already interested in marriage, these parents who raised us when we couldnt raise ourselves, who fed us, provided for us and when we reach the slightest level of maturiy we have the audacity to go against them? yeah i admit they still live in the stone age and dont seem to understand where your comming from BUT they can be made to understand if you are right and know what your talking about.

Islam does encourage to marry early as the Prophet (p.b.u.h) says marrying early will protect your deen, the Prophet (p.b.u.h) also says if you have the financial means to get married then you should do so. That dont mean meet a guy or girl and run to your parents and say i want to get married. To boys and girls your age and who want to get married id say to you if you think you ready for marriage then go get a job and earn money so you could get married instead of waiting for your parents to "come around" and this would also show your parents that you are mature and they will hear you out and take you seriously.

Salam

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I don't think she should shield you from it, you should know your tribe and be aware of it but that doesn't mean you should divulge your tribe to any person that asks you.

At the end of the day, tribe is not the problem, but how people use it to hurt and demean others is.



I'm sorry sis but even Somali people that come from different variations of tribes can still be very tribalist, it doesn't matter. And I don't think I'm generalising when I say that Somali families are very hard to please, as I stated before I was in the same situation and I am a Somali sister whereas you are a Afghan sister. Surely the situations are different, but your situation would be much more harder on you since you're from different cultural backgrounds and therefore it will be harder to communicate between families.

Trust me when I say this, Somalis are in general a very warm, loving and gentle people but like Arabs we're very isolated and like to keep to ourselves. InshaaAllaah if you're really serious about it have lots of meetings with his parents, extended family, and close family members so as to get a bit of a better understanding of them.

I think you're just being a bit far-fetched by saying that you want to marry him at the age of 16, just look at the options inshaaAllaah and if your intentions are pure and you want to marry him so as to have a halal relationship for the sake of Allaah SWT then inshaaAllaah go for it. Make du'a and pray istikhara as well.

May Allaah make matters easy on you inshaaAllaah.

I am a Somali sister whereas you are a Afghan sister.

Salam sis

My family is nothing like what you described *ALhamdulilah, pheew*. They are not tribalists and don't let that define who they are at all. I understand that maybe the somalis in your family and the family you were marrying into are like that. All somalis are not like that. My brother is married to an Irish Muslimah. My family have no problem communicating with her. As a matter of fact she considers my parents her parents. My parents also call her their daughter mashaAllah. You are sweeping a blatant generalization and you justify it by saying "I am somali"? Still sis that gives you no right to say that. You may speak however way you wish about the people you know, but you are no spokes-person for all the Somalians. Inlc Moi:sunny:. Jazakz.

amiin 2 ur dua!

Cherrios!!

To the thread starter, u already know how I feel lol *hug*...:sunny:
InshaAllah u are in my duas.

 

[Intisar]

You've got me all wrong sis, I never said I was the spokesperson for all Somali people, but yes qabiliyyah is a very big issue in the Somali community. My family is not like that at all and I really don't appreciate you trying to say that. I came across a situation where someone made a very rude comment to me based on my qabil. Your family may not be like that, but surely you will come across many Somali families who are qabilists, sad to say.

Interracial marriage is very hard, but mashaaAllaah to your brother for having such a great union with that Irish Muslimah, but like you said you cannot base one incident on how all people are. There are many families who have a big problem with marrying out of their qabiil let alone their race, so pretending like it doesn't exist is more than ridiculous imo.

I think the sister who posted this thread wants to get married based on the fact that she believes that she ''loves'' the Somali brother, a love imo which sounds like the ones in movies. Ie. ever-lasting, forever, happily ever after etc. At the end of the day she needs to understand that what makes a marriage work is not just love, but companionship, care, and a lot of give and take etc.

It's very hard, especially in this day and age to be married to someone really young without a career. Lakiin mashaaAllaah to her for thinking ahead, perhaps 16 is too young, no? She hasn't even finished secondary education! Though there are many people who have married young and are still married, granted they will tell you that it is very tough and many a time you just want to be a kid and not have as many responsibilities (especially for younger brothers; since men are the maintainers of women).

May Allaah give you sabr inshaaAllaah and the wisdom to know whichever decision is best for you.

 

[youngsister]

Sister Ameena is totally right.

Somalis families are hard to please, some are Ok i am not saying all of them are but mostly are.

I think the sister who posted this thread wants to get married based on the fact that she believes that she ''loves'' the Somali brother, a love imo which sounds like the ones in movies. Ie. ever-lasting, forever, happily ever after etc. At the end of the day she needs to understand that what makes a marriage work is not just love, but companionship, care, and a lot of give and take etc.

It's very hard, especially in this day and age to be married to someone really young without a career.

:thumbs_up:thumbs_up Everything I was going to say..

To Anon are you planning to move in with him or live with your family?
Many young people who cannot afford moving in together, get married but live with their families.
Do you think your mother will be ok with this? So you can finish your education until he is fully able to provide..

Anyways age is just a number but please make sure your family is ok and happy for you to marry, or comprimise with them maybe get marry when you turn 17, 18 perhaps?

May Allaah give you sabr inshaaAllaah and the wisdom to know whichever decision is best for you.

Ameen

 

[AnonymousPoster]

The point I was trying to make is that the sister clearly described to us that the Family she's marrying into is a wonderful Family. I would understand in the case (for eg: if she didnt know the family) etc to tell her to be cautious. She didnt ask you all to give her an account of how hard somalis are to please etc. That has nothing to do with her marrying this brother. She already knows this family quite well and from what we have read it's a beautiful Family. Whom I personally know btw. She was seeking Islamic advice.

No youngsister, I am not planning to move in with them. I just dont want this thread to turn into a place where somalis share their woes about how difficult Somalis are etc. If thats what you want to do feel free to start another thread.:sunny: Cause thats not the point of this thread InshaAllah.

Many have given the sister valuable advice. She's young but shes very mature. I''m sure she'll come back to personally answer u all again, but the sis never said that she's marrying him tomorrow. She plans to keep studying! It would be nice if the accusations stopped.

Many young people who cannot afford moving in together, get married but live with their families.
Do you think your mother will be ok with this? So you can finish your education until he is fully able to provide.

? She's not planning to stop studying. Maybe u shud read her posts again!

I think the sister who posted this thread wants to get married based on the fact that she believes that she ''loves'' the Somali brother, a love imo which sounds like the ones in movies. Ie. ever-lasting, forever, happily ever after etc. At the end of the day she needs to understand that what makes a marriage work is not just love, but companionship, care, and a lot of give and take etc.

You are Judging her & even twisting her words. She never said that she's marrying him solely on an emotion! Yes she did say that she loves him, did you also read the rest? "I love him for Allahs sake"? You are desperately trying to belittle the sister, she's very offended so you know hence why she didnt reply. That might not be your intention but thats how you come across. Real love does exist, dont mock it. Marriage does come with alot of responsibility, thats the same for everyone whether your 16 or 20 or 30.

Jazks.

 

[youngsister]

No youngsister, I am not planning to move in with them. I just dont want this thread to turn into a place where somalis share their woes about how difficult Somalis are etc. If thats what you want to do feel free to start another thread. Cause thats not the point of this thread InshaAllah.

Why would I? I just simply agreed with another sister comment:hmm:

Many have given the sister valuable advice. She's young but shes very mature. I''m sure she'll come back to personally answer u all again, but the sis never said that she's marrying him tomorrow. She plans to keep studying! It would be nice if the accusations stopped.

What happened to making excuses for your fellow muslims?
The sister didnt make it clear at the beginning, I like the other are just looking out for her, thats why i adviced her to keep studying if she is planning to do so then masha allah good for her.

She's not planning to stop studying. Maybe u shud read her posts again!

Sister if your read my post again I was being very polite, this topic got many replies and everyone is trying to help her so isha allah, there is no need for attitude.
What happened to adhab?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

The point I was trying to make is that the sister clearly described to us that the Family she's marrying into is a wonderful Family. I would understand in the case (for eg: if she didnt know the family) etc to tell her to be cautious. She didnt ask you all to give her an account of how hard somalis are to please etc. That has nothing to do with her marrying this brother. She already knows this family quite well and from what we have read it's a beautiful Family. Whom I personally know btw. She was seeking Islamic advice.

No youngsister, I am not planning to move in with them. I just dont want this thread to turn into a place where somalis share their woes about how difficult Somalis are etc. If thats what you want to do feel free to start another thread.:sunny: Cause thats not the point of this thread InshaAllah.

Many have given the sister valuable advice. She's young but shes very mature. I''m sure she'll come back to personally answer u all again, but the sis never said that she's marrying him tomorrow. She plans to keep studying! It would be nice if the accusations stopped.

? She's not planning to stop studying. Maybe u shud read her posts again!

You are Judging her & even twisting her words. She never said that she's marrying him solely on an emotion! Yes she did say that she loves him, did you also read the rest? "I love him for Allahs sake"? You are desperately trying to belittle the sister, she's very offended so you know hence why she didnt reply. That might not be your intention but thats how you come across. Real love does exist, dont mock it. Marriage does come with alot of responsibility, thats the same for everyone whether your 16 or 20 or 30.

Jazks.

Omd!

I think yu honestly read her post incorrectly, please ppl!

=)

 

[The Khan]

Asalamu Alaikum;

Sister, I am a Pathan from India. My family is of the Lodi clan. We conquered Northern India over 500 years ago. Since then, we have adopted most of our Pashtun customs apart from basic Pashtunwali. Although I am Pathan, I am multi-ethnic. For example, My father is mixed Pashtun/Muhajir/Russian. My mother is mixed Persian/Muhajir/Arab/Dravidian. It is time that Pashtuns let go of the hypergamy that we've followed since pre-Islamic times when we were Kafirs. The Qur'an absolutely forbids any form of nationalism or forced conversion.

Personally, this is my two cents: Get a nominal nikah done, a nominal one, so that you need not fear Allah for being close to him. Don't engage in any sexual relationship. Don't officially register your Nikah, make it a secret one between Allah (swt), him, and you. As time passes by, convince your parents slowly by showing the verses in the Qur'an and various Hadeeth regarding marriage, nationalism, and forced marriage. Then, get an official marriage done. You can renew your Nikah vows, your previous vow is not considered broke or a Talaq. There's a fatwa regarding this at Islamonline.net : http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/...h-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1220346188617

Of course, I'd rather advise that you marry after you're 20. In this day and age, there are a lot of factors which make an early marriage unadvisable, such as the need for education. Complete your education. Let him get a decent job. Then, get a proper marriage. I personally too wish I could get married to a good sister at this age. I am a teenager with raging hormones that are difficult to suppress. However, good things come to those who wait, this is what I've learnt. I have decided that I will not consider marriage or engage in any relationship until I have completed my education and have a decent job or business. However, if the situation arises (ie, I fall in love with a good sister), then I shall get a nominal nikah done (I will reveal it to my parents...they are very open minded) but not engage in a sexual relationship until I have settled down with a good job or business.

If you wish to be in his arms, and have a non-sexual relationship, then the secret Nikah is an option, although not advisable unless you can't bear it anymore. Love is a natural gift from Allah (SWT). If you plan to go higher than that...it will interfere with your life and bring it to an abrupt end. Unadvisable.

Hope my advice was of some help.

 

[seeker-of-light]

i understand your pain i am 15 and i have promised myself to a man. my family doesnt know though, and the future is still uncertain if we will even be able to get together. but i am praying that by god's will we will be together someday.

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

A nikaah requires a wali and two witnesses, and without that it is invalid.. And nowhere in that fatwa does it say that the couple married secretly without a wali and two witnesses. What you're talking about is a celibate marriage I think, which is the same as a regular marriage, just that it is stipulated that the girl will remain with her parents until the husband can take on the financial responsibility and only after that they can consumate the marriage.

Btw, to anony, we weren't being negative. We only gave advice based on what we knew from your post and based on what we know from our own experiences..

 

[anonymous]

All these months passed still i'm in the same situation. Nothings changed, I wish my parents views did.

Personally, this is my two cents: Get a nominal nikah done, a nominal one, so that you need not fear Allah for being close to him. Don't engage in any sexual relationship. Don't officially register your Nikah, make it a secret one between Allah (swt), him, and you. As time passes by, convince your parents slowly by showing the verses in the Qur'an and various Hadeeth regarding marriage, nationalism, and forced marriage.

I wish I could do that, but imagening the look on my parents face wehn they do find out is something I dont think I can bear.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

ok so your 16...pls tell me what/how YOU are capable of upholding a marriage. really that's a serious qn. im not discouraging you from getting married early, but it is absolutely essential that you look at things realistically, becuase all those important things in a marriage that you will choose to sweep under the carpet and ignore, believe you me, they will only come up later and cause you more heart/head ache.

She began to freak out, and started reminding me that I have just turned 16.

thats cos she knows you/knows how a 16 yr old mind works

Just because I am 16 doesn't mean that I am blind/deaf and my brain is dead.

no, but (as a 16 yr old) you have alot of maturing to do, especially in regards to marriage

Another shocker is the fact that the guy I want to marry is not an afghani, which shatters my parents universe.

yh that's always the ultimate stinker innit lol...i personally dont see an issue with interracial marriages, but sometimes you need to marry within your own culture, simply because you will understand one another ALOT better which down the track save you alot of potential headache.

I know that he's only 18 and not wealthy, but thats ok with me.

no it isn't! sis, he has to PROVIDE for you. paying for one person can be hard...imagine paying for 2! sis, we don't live in huts anymore, we have to rent/buy our houses amd not to mention that living standards are on the increase. and what if your blessed with kids? dont go around thinking "oh, its ok ill give up my make up its really not that important." it IS important. all these little things we have in life and we are used to, are important (to us) and will eventually drive us crazy if we don't receive them, especially when we have other means to attain them.

He's a good student so he will make money from his profession when he graduates enshaALlah.

inshallah. how long will that be?

I appreciate all the responses. although I must admit that most of you are plain negative.

you just say that cos we're saying stuff you don't wanna hear

I am not going to marry his family.

believe you me, you marry the whole family. no matter what, its 99.99% of the case

But my heart has no bounds, and we intend to be in the "in love phase" forever enchallah.

after marriage, the only real time that occurs is when your newly wed. i admit, i sound negative, but after that phase (not to say that you will stop loving one another), its reality all the way!

 

[Muhaba]

you should get engaged and then get married after your 18 (with your family's permission of course), preferably after he has graduated from college & started working. Getting engaged might be acceptable to your parents. getting married while studying in college may be a burden on him. in the meantime, you also can continue studying & your family can get to know him more. So if, in the future (Allah forbid) it turns out that he wasn't right for you, you can break the engagement & if it turns out that you two are right for eachother then you can get married.

May everything work out for you.