My wife is very controlling and violent

[Jakob]

As-salaam alikum brothers and sisters.

I have a major issue with my wife, she is controlling and gets violent for no apparent reason. I am so embarrassed to speak with someone in person because this makes me look weak but I am not weak, I am patient.

I am a revert since 2013 and she is my first wife. We have been married for nearly 2 years and at the start she was so loving and caring and we didn't argue whatsoever. She is 6 years older than me, I am 24 and she is 30. Now for the last 6 months she has become crazy... she gets angry and violent over the slightest of differences and I am not even allowed to say anything to her or she gets so angry. She smashes cups and throws items in the house, she even threw a saucepan at me once and kicked me out of my own home... I am so embarrassed to tell this :hmm:.

Then one a few hours later afterwards and everything is back to normal, she cries and says sorry to me and that she loves me and she will never do it again but then one month later she does it all over again. I hire cleaners, cooks and I give her money to buy things she likes, we live in a nice home and we go on holiday all the time alhamdulillah, I treat her so well I just don't know why she treats me like this. I am certain she loves me but something comes over her and she flies into rage.

Even if I ask her a simple thing to make the bed because I am rushing off to work she will say something like "when was the last time you made it? Why don't you make it?" so I just end up making it because I don't want an argument. I end up doing everything because I really don't want to upset her and make her mad. She works too so I hire the maids and chefs because I don't want her to come home from work tired and have to cook or clean. I would help her of course but still when we come home from work we like to relax.

I asked her about work and that she doesn't need to work I can pay for it all and she says that she wants to work and loves her job so I don't think it's anything about work. I earn considerably more than she does so it's not like she works for money... she works because she enjoys it.

She is just like a time bomb, I ask her a simple favour and sometimes she does it and it's fine, sometimes she asks me for a favour and I also do it of course. Then other times without any warning I might ask her something simple like to come grocery shopping with me because she is really picky and I know she will moan if I don't buy the things she likes and she will just get mad at me... I am just asking her to come with me for HER own benefit! What is wrong with that?

I know some male members might think I am weak and scared, this is not true. I am twice her size and could literally throw her across the room or knock her out with a slap... but I absolutely refuse to hit my wife because I love her, I don't care if she hits me or throws things at me I will not do that to her...

I tried to sit down and talk with her and she cries and says sorry blah blah and everything is fine, we have lovely nights on the sofa watching movies or going out to eat, going on holiday etc it's all fine but she is like a switch, one wrong word and all hell breaks loose. I do everything to please her and she does everything to please me but I am on eggshells, I am scared to mention something because I don't know if she will rage or not.

I think she might have a personality disorder or jinn is coming into her head. What shall I do? Like I said there is no doubt in my mind she loves and cares for me, but she just has a split personality it seems and I become her punching bag once a month or so. If I just do mention anything everything is fine and she doesn't get mad, but this obviously is not how to be married. There should be dialogue.

What can I do? I am so lost...

 

[Bhabha]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Just wondering if you have children? Maybe she's at the age where she wants to have kids? I think all women get emotional once a month.. You know when that time comes.

However for the meantime, play the Quran in the house out loud. It is actually really soothing. Try that. Because she sounds very stressed out for something and unfortunately is taking it out on you.

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, brother.

I've ever married for 19 years until my beloved wife passed away in 2013. Many people say we were good couple because we could maintain our marriage until death do us part. But actually that was the result of learning process which me and my wife learned from the mistake we have ever done. Especially the mistakes in our first few years in marriage.

People say the first few years in marriage is the prone years. People also say that marriage is like a ship with two captains. it's true. When the marriage started, husband and wife just think "lets we sail!" and they go with their ship. But later they begin to thinking "where will we go?", and the quarel begins because the husband want to go to 'this direction' while the wife want to go to 'that direction'. And the worse is, both parties still in their selfishness and haven't good enough in understand each other.

Brother, your wife behavior is not because jinn or personality disorder, but actually normal enough happen to some wives. It's because she has many wants, and she want you understand. But she doesn't know how to make you understand. While you still haven't able to understand it.

My advice is, try to be more calm when your wife angry at you, improve your ability of listening, and learn how to communicate with your wife better. In Shaa Allah, it will help your wife to know how to talk to you.

You and your wife are still in learning process to build a good married life.

 

[*charisma*]

Wa'alaikum Assalam

I do not perceive you as weak at all, and I don't think you should fear of being though of that way. I think that you're a great husband and that you have been very patient with something that is difficult to handle.

I think it's unacceptable for her to behave this way. She may need anger management or maybe there are underlying issues that cause her to rage out like that. It seems she understands that she has a problem since she apologizes, but she needs to get it under control. It sounds like an abusive relationship. You should not be afraid to express your opinion or feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home. That's not fair to you. I know some are trying to pass this behavior as "normal" but it absolutely is not. I mean I could understand if it build up to that point once or twice, but if it's happening often something's gotta give. Her priorities need to be put in check if something is stressing her out and she is unable to keep up with her duties as a wife.

Perhaps some counseling may help the relationship, but please do not at all feel inferior or embarrassed due to this problem. It happens in some relationships, and it's best to get a handle on it early on.

 

[Jakob]

Wa'alaikum Assalam

I do not perceive you as weak at all, and I don't think you should fear of being though of that way. I think that you're a great husband and that you have been very patient with something that is difficult to handle.

I think it's unacceptable for her to behave this way. She may need anger management or maybe there are underlying issues that cause her to rage out like that. It seems she understands that she has a problem since she apologizes, but she needs to get it under control. It sounds like an abusive relationship. You should not be afraid to express your opinion or feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home. That's not fair to you. I know some are trying to pass this behavior as "normal" but it absolutely is not. I mean I could understand if it build up to that point once or twice, but if it's happening often something's gotta give. Her priorities need to be put in check if something is stressing her out and she is unable to keep up with her duties as a wife.

Perhaps some counseling may help the relationship, but please do not at all feel inferior or embarrassed due to this problem. It happens in some relationships, and it's best to get a handle on it early on.

We don't have any kids and both agreed not to have a child until at least our third year in relationship so we don't bring a child into the world if our marriage is not sound. I know this is not normal behaviour for a woman or even a man, when I was kufr astaghfirullah I had other relationships and they never ever behaved this way.

Ardianto I am trying to be as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be. I will do anything to make her happy so I do listen to her but the problem is she doesn't give me a chance to speak and even then she just goes full rage mode and we'll just argue. All I can do is just shut up and listen only to what she says and not have my say lol? Like I am 5 speaking with a parent I just have to listen only... Perhaps it might be something to do with the age? Maybe she doesn't think I am on the same level of respect as her because she is 6 years older than me or something?

After her violent outburst I will usually just go out of the house for a few hours or go somewhere else in the house and let her calm down then she phones me or comes to see me and cries and says I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that or hit you I promise it won't happen again I love you forgive etc etc and of course I forgive her and we cuddle and make up and everything is fine again. Even one time I did raise my voice and approach her like I was going to hit her not that I ever would but just hoping she would back down and chill out but she has no fear...

When we're out in public or with family she is like an angle, so sweet and calm it's actually hard to believe she has this side to her nobody would believe it if you saw her. First year and a half was fine, not one argument at all. Now everything I say the smallest thing wrong or do the smallest thing wrong or just don't do what she says I have to endure an argument or violence so I just end up doing everything she says. This is not how a relationship should be?

 

[Misbah0411]

She may need to have a mental health chekckup. Possibly bi-polar, depression, etc. May Allah reward you for your patience. It is smart not to have any children until this issue is resolved.

 

[Serinity]

brother Jakob

Do you feel like you do everything? you work, do the hosue work...... And when you have done a lot, and ask a bit from your wife she says "When was the last time you helped me? Can't you do it yourself, why always ask me?"

If so, this is an attitude of an ungrateful. she has to be more grateful..........

 

[keiv]

Instead of her kicking you out of your own house, why don't you send her packing to one of her family member's houses? Being more patient is not the answer. She is probably acting that way because you are too forgiving. Some, or a lot of, people may not agree with this but, you've got to be more authorative my brother.

 

[Jakob]

brother Jakob

Do you feel like you do everything? you work, do the hosue work...... And when you have done a lot, and ask a bit from your wife she says "When was the last time you helped me? Can't you do it yourself, why always ask me?"

If so, this is an attitude of an ungrateful. she has to be more grateful..........

Well I hire maids and a chef but not every time they're in the house to do something so we have to do small things sometimes like make the bed or general cleaning up the house, maybe do some washing etc and yes it's always me who does it. Maybe once in a blue moon she will do it if I ask her, other time I just do it because if I ask her for help to something she might rage at me. For example I am washing my car and I ask her to get the washing out of the machine and into the tumble dryer and she will just ask me why I don't do it... and I'll say because I'm washing the car and she will just say then get it out after you've finished, I'm busy. Then when I go in the house she is just watching TV or looking online for things to buy.

Honestly she acts sometimes like a child if you ask a child to do something he'll make an excuse every time for why he can't do it or just argue with you. I am not bossing her about or anything, I simply just need help sometimes maintaining the house or the car or whatever it might be. She doesn't drive either and expects me to drive her everywhere all the time, I do try to but sometimes I have more work to do from home or I need to make important phone calls and she will guilt trip me and say that I put other people before her and I care more about work than her. She'll say her friends are waiting on her and I am not driving her instantly when she says.

It's just such a struggle to keep up with her demands...

 

[ardianto]

Instead of her kicking you out of your own house, why don't you send her packing to one of her family member's houses? Being more patient is not the answer. She is probably acting that way because you are too forgiving. Some, or a lot of, people may not agree with this but, you've got to be more authorative my brother.

The proper way to defeat a woman is not through hard stance, but through tenderness. This is what I have learned in my married life.

 

[Umm Abed]

She may need to have a mental health chekckup. Possibly bi-polar, depression, etc. May Allah reward you for your patience. It is smart not to have any children until this issue is resolved.

I agree with this ^. Get her checked up so that you'r sure there are no mental issues at hand.

People with bi-polar disorder tend to react like this.

May Allah make it easy.

 

[M.I.A.]

This seems like a job for.. Wife number two..

Let's hope she knows karatay.

 

[Jakob]

Instead of her kicking you out of your own house, why don't you send her packing to one of her family member's houses? Being more patient is not the answer. She is probably acting that way because you are too forgiving. Some, or a lot of, people may not agree with this but, you've got to be more authorative my brother.

Perhaps it's because I am too forgiving and lenient I don't know. Send her packing... she would just refuse to leave the house and argue with me all night until I even give in and let her stay.

I agree with this ^. Get her checked up so that you'r sure there are no mental issues at hand.

People with bi-polar disorder tend to react like this.

May Allah make it easy.

How can I mention this issue to her delicately? I don't think anyone would take kindly to being told they might have a mental condition and to go and see a psych, especially her she will not take that news lightly at all.

 

[Jakob]

This seems like a job for.. Wife number two..

Let's hope she knows karatay.

wife number 2? I can't even handle wife number 1... Also I highly doubt she would let me get another wife, she would certainly not like this I know. We spoke before just randomly come onto the topic about wives and she "joked" and said You ain't ever putting your hands on another women while we're married and laughed it off, but I know she was 100% serious by her tone of voice.

 

[Umm Abed]

Perhaps it's because I am too forgiving and lenient I don't know. Send her packing... she would just refuse to leave the house and argue with me all night until I even give in and let her stay.






How can I mention this issue to her delicately? I don't think anyone would take kindly to being told they might have a mental condition and to go and see a psych, especially her she will not take that news lightly at all.

You have to be a little firm, along with kindness as well. What needs to be done, you will have to do, unfortunately that is not easy, but you can just mention that she needs a check up. Her condition could improve with medication.

 

[abumuslim82]

This seems like a job for.. Wife number two..

Let's hope she knows karatay.

LOL, agreed.

 

[Serinity]

Too kind and it is no good, too harsh and it is no good.

try to reason with her. I find that if one becomes too kind, the person will just become rageful. Sometimes one had to be harsh.

On second thought, perhaps there is something that is bothering her. One can sometimes be rageful because of problems.
Allahu alam

 

[ardianto]

Ardianto I am trying to be as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be. I will do anything to make her happy so I do listen to her but the problem is she doesn't give me a chance to speak and even then she just goes full rage mode and we'll just argue. All I can do is just shut up and listen only to what she says and not have my say lol? Like I am 5 speaking with a parent I just have to listen only... Perhaps it might be something to do with the age? Maybe she doesn't think I am on the same level of respect as her because she is 6 years older than me or something?

Hmm, .... okay, .... I tell you something.

My late wife was 6 months younger than me. But to be honest, when I was young I ever expect to have a wife who older than me. It's because I felt comfortable when I was pampered by older woman.

I was a guy who be liked by the girls. Be liked to be friend, or to be more than just friend. When I was young few older girls gave attention to me. One of them fell in love to me, while the other just wanted to be friend with me. They treated me very well, and tend to pamper me. But I noticed, they liked me because they saw me as "the sweet younger brother". They felt comfortable when I behave as younger brother, which they could behave as older sister who dominant.

Indeed, majority of women prefer older men. But there are among them who actually prefer to give attention to younger men. Maybe your wife is one of them. Maybe what made her fall in love with you was because she saw you as "the sweet younger brother". But unfortunately, marriage change your attitude.

One thing that I have learned in my married life is, entering marriage can change someone attitude. My relationship with my wife started from friendship which we always understand each other. But when we enter marriage, our attitude began to change. I began to have attitude "I am your husband. I have rights over you, you have duties on me". My wife had similar attitude too. And the conflict in marriage began.But then we tried to back to become "us in the old form", as two friends who understand each other. Our relationship was becoming better, and who love each other more than before.

Probably your wife attitude changes caused by disappointment because your attitude toward her has changed without you realize it. So my advice is, try to back to become yourself in the time when she gave you attention. If she saw you as "the sweet younger brother", try to back as "the sweet younger brother". Hopefully it will work.

 

[anatolian]

Salam bro. Obviously she needs a professional help. There marriage psychologists even who are specialized on this matter. Tell her that she needs that and if she refuse dont forgive her. Dont even talk to her. She will realize her mistake then and will accept your offer.

 

[*charisma*]

We don't have any kids and both agreed not to have a child until at least our third year in relationship so we don't bring a child into the world if our marriage is not sound. I know this is not normal behaviour for a woman or even a man, when I was kufr astaghfirullah I had other relationships and they never ever behaved this way.

Not having children right away is actually a good idea because it gives the couple a time to get to know each other better without the added stress of taking care of a child. I couldn't imagine seeing you having this issue with a child in the house, it would be very unhealthy, and I honestly think she would emasculate you in front of your kids if she is not one to back down.

When we're out in public or with family she is like an angle, so sweet and calm it's actually hard to believe she has this side to her nobody would believe it if you saw her. First year and a half was fine, not one argument at all. Now everything I say the smallest thing wrong or do the smallest thing wrong or just don't do what she says I have to endure an argument or violence so I just end up doing everything she says. This is not how a relationship should be?

If she can behave properly in public, then this isn't bipolar behavior, because she can control it. If she was having outbursts at work and in public, then I would suggest that maybe it's a psychological issue, but in all honesty, it just sounds like she's childish and has anger problems. I'm not one to condone divorce, but you deserve much better. She needs to get her act together. Even while working longer hours than my husband, I would still come home and clean and cook, even when he'd offer me to get someone to help. My house and my husband are my pride, so I wouldn't allow anyone else to take care of them, otherwise what am I here for? We both treat each other with utmost respect, even when we are angry alhemdulilah, and this is how every couple should be like. Everyone has their ups and downs, but it seems you are having more downs...Mashallah, once again, I have to commend you on your patience with her, but if you can't find a way to fix her..then maybe you're not right for each other?