Need advice: Friend unsure about her engagement?

[theStig]

A few days ago a female muslimah I know from when I met her at school 3 years ago sms'es me. We kept in touch through facebook and chat seldom. She tells me that she's gotten arranged engaged. From the tone of her message, and the content, I could tell that she wasn't too thrilled about it. She said something like "that's not what she had in mind" or something, but conceded that life is short and that the real life is after this one. That is true. She told me that I'm the only she told. I don't know why. But that's the scenario.

What do I do? Do I:

1) Convince her that she should go through it even though she's not fully certain about it? That with time she will find peace in this decision?

2) Tell her to think long and hard before making such a big decision. Because this is a decision that will be with her for the rest of her life. And that yes this life is short, but it does not mean you have to settle for something that you are not content with.

I don't know what to do. I certainly do not want to come inbetween a bond that is being made. But I also don't want her to be unhappy or unsatisfied with her decision. How do I help her in the best way where the end result is best for her? I know a cousin of mine who married underpressure from his parents. Now he's divorced and about to enter into a second marriage of HIS choice. What should I do? Of course, I am praying for her and wishing her happiness.

Cheers

 

[Asiyah3]

She tells me that she's gotten arranged engaged. From the tone of her message, and the content, I could tell that she wasn't too thrilled about it. She said something like "that's not what she had in mind" or something, but conceded that life is short and that the real life is after this one. That is true..

I don't know what to do. I certainly do not want to come inbetween a bond that is being made. But I also don't want her to be unhappy or unsatisfied with her decision. How do I help her in the best way where the end result is best for her? I know a cousin of mine who married underpressure from his parents. Now he's divorced and about to enter into a second marriage of HIS choice.

If she's sure she doesn't want to get married then she shouldn't.

What do I do? Do I:

]1) Convince her that she should go through it even though she's not fully certain about it? That with time she will find peace in this decision?

Is the guy religious and does he have a good character? Do you know why she wasn't content or doesn't want to get married?

May Allah grant her happiness and a religious spouse. Ameen.

 

[marwen]

the option 2 you mentioned is always valid.

2) Tell her to think long and hard before making such a big decision. Because this is a decision that will be with her for the rest of her life. And that yes this life is short, but it does not mean you have to settle for something that you are not content with.

But as sis "**muslimah**" said, you have to know why she doesn't want to go through it, so you can give her a better advice.

 

[theStig]

I am not sure. She never told me that part.

 

[Alpha Dude]

I say just leave her alone. Don't pry in her business. Tell her to pray Istikarah and make as much dua as possible for guidance and leave it at that.

 

[S_87]

are you male? from your name im guessing you are.
if so, break all contact with her.

 

[Asiyah3]

(Actually forget my advice) I agree with Alpha Dude and Amani.

 

[theStig]

So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?

 

[Asiyah3]

So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?

What if you advice her wrongly?

 

[theStig]

And what if I don't?

 

[theStig]

The point I'm trying to make is...

A human being is hanging on by the skin of their teeth. If they let go they'll fall off the cliff. I want to help this human being. I see that the human being is a girl. So what I just back off because she's a girl, make no contact, and let her fall? Because there's no one around. If there was I'd certainly find a female to help her up. I'm just trying to help her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. The only advice I'd ever give to her would be through text. Letter writing.

 

[Asiyah3]

****edit****

 

[Alpha Dude]

So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?

You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that.

Anyway, if she carries on telling you how depressed she is about the decision, then and only then ask her what is wrong etc., otherwise don't pry.

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

She's her own person. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own behaviour and is able to make her own life changing decisions. You don't need to baby her, nor does anybody else.

If Allah has willed to test her with something horrible, it will happen regardless and there will be divine wisdom behind it. So don't spend your time worrying about hypotheticals.

Make dua for her. Tell her to make dua for her guidance and pray istikarah over and over but other than that, just leave her to do her thing.

 

[distressed]

You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that.

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

QUOTE]

hmm ?? moodswing ?? & women are weird ?? LOL ;D thats a bit harsh ??

How come shes only told you?? like sum1 else has said, maybe she likes you ?? if shes a genuine problem, then i dont believe she has no other closer female friends to talk to . if shes not spoken to you in 3 years its a bit personal to come out with such heartache dont you think ?? either way you cant really do anything can you ?? apart from advise, as the others have said, tell her make dua.

D

 

[GuCcI]

sad and interesting...

tell her to pray istikhara and follow her gut/instictive feeling... and just leave it at that. It's not your place to tell her what decision she should make, I think you know that already. If at this point, she really does like you maybe she should come out with it ASAP lol.

 

[theStig]

You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that.

Anyway, if she carries on telling you how depressed she is about the decision, then and only then ask her what is wrong etc., otherwise don't pry.

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

She's her own person. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own behaviour and is able to make her own life changing decisions. You don't need to baby her, nor does anybody else.

If Allah has willed to test her with something horrible, it will happen regardless and there will be divine wisdom behind it. So don't spend your time worrying about hypotheticals.

Make dua for her. Tell her to make dua for her guidance and pray istikarah over and over but other than that, just leave her to do her thing.

Thanks! this is good advice. I think I will just let her be. If she is still a bit meh about it that's when I could advise her. Prying is not my style anyways. And I don't think she has feelings for me. She's a little older than me so don't think that's a possibility.

 

[theStig]

sad and interesting...

tell her to pray istikhara and follow her gut/instictive feeling... and just leave it at that. It's not your place to tell her what decision she should make, I think you know that already. If at this point, she really does like you maybe she should come out with it ASAP lol.

Good advice as well. I guess that's what I'll just tell her. "Go with your gut. May Allah be with you". Thanks.

 

[Lonely Gal]

i think if she comes to u again, I think u shud advise her that she really needs to think about this before she gets married cos then it will be too late and plus even harder to get out of
She may want to do this for her fam but if her heart aint in it now and it dont work out, it'l be harder for her parents to accept divorce etc.
Once u have advised, and u wish to not keep in touch then let her know..and ur reasons for it so she is clear on everything

 

[S_87]

what advice would you give her? think of her decision? if she IS unsure as you think then she IS thinking about her decision!

Im not saying she may not need help but the last thing youll want is for her to get CONFUSED
what would you do, and dont laugh at this because it does happen especially when a person is in difficulty and they see someone showing kindness, what if she turns n falls for you? what would you do then?

 

[theStig]

what advice would you give her? think of her decision? if she IS unsure as you think then she IS thinking about her decision!

Im not saying she may not need help but the last thing youll want is for her to get CONFUSED
what would you do, and dont laugh at this because it does happen especially when a person is in difficulty and they see someone showing kindness, what if she turns n falls for you? what would you do then?

I'm not sure what exactly you're saying. If what you are saying that my influence will in any way get her to develop feelings for me then that is just false. I really am not the kind of guy women fall for so I'm quite certain that will not happen.

Besides, I don't think I'm going to pry in her business. Let her be.