Need advice on raising kids

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markislam

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As all of you know iam a new muslim convert, i have not yet told my wife about my conversion.

But yesterday while we were driving i asked her what if i convert to islam and i will make my kid also follow Islam like me, she said no way i am not going to allow that, i will fight, i know she was serious in what she said. She said why do you want to leave christ :hiding:

My question is what should i do in situations like this.

Quran says the man is the head of the house but as all of you know, in this western countries women and men are both same. If i separate or get a divorce also the child will go to the mom. my dauter loves her mom more than me.

I also know that after you become a muslim you cant practise christmas or easter in the house, what will you do when your spouse is a chsristian.

It is so complicated :cry:
 
Aw im so sorry you are going through this. May Allahswt give you strength.

I think you should pray some more, and make Dua.
I think you should sit down and have a talk with your wife, start out by telling her how much you love and care about her. Tell her that you will show her why you "left christ" and became a muslim. Its going to be a rocky road, but inshallah you will reach a better place.

As for your daughter, im sure she loves you just as much. I love my dad SO MUCH, but i dont show as much as i do with my mom. I love them both equally though.
I think in the end, your daughter will be on the path Allah swt chose for her, teach her, guide her....your wife may be angered by it, but be strong.


I hope this advice helps you out a little, i cant imagine what you are going through. May God give you strength.
 
Make constant dua for your children, allow them to see you doing salaat, fasting etc, they will question you and follow your example as time goes on. As hard as it may be I would suggest the same for your wife, lead by example and pray Allah to grant you patience whilst you set that example.The hard line would be to just take them mosque at 7 etc, but I think you should not risk being away from or fighting about children as this will probably alienate them from Islam, if a divorce happens then still I would suggest the same. May Allah bring your wife to Islam, Ameen
 
Greetings and peace be with you markislam;

There is no compulsion in religion, but I believe there is compulsion in marriage, especially with children. Too many children grow up with divorced parents, and it tears the children apart to see their parents fight and go their separate ways.

The same One God chooses whom he wills, but God seems to confound us, and upset us. God seemingly choosing different paths for us, and still he expects us to get on with each other despite all our differences. The same One God hears all our prayers, and knows what is in our hearts.

I know wonderful people who have gone through marriage with a partner from another faith, and they have both kept their respective faiths. There are enough struggles in marriage without turning religion into a major battleground.

Is it possible to give your wife the freedom to be a Good Christian and continue to love her also? Is it possible for your wife to give you the freedom to be a good Muslim and continue to love you also?

It is more possible for us to change ourselves, rather than change other people, that is in the hands of God. The children, like the rest of us are ultimately in the hands of God

In the spirit of praying for a greater interfaith friendship and love

Eric
 
yeah dont start fighting.rather as some brother already said , make them curious about Islam.They will learn about it and Allah might show them the light :).

Also tell your betterhalf that you are not leaving jesus pbuh but following his true message :).
 
I am a responsible parent, i take care of my family, but when it comes to telling my faith to my family this is not the time for me, I did Istikara prayer and i had a dream that i should not tell about it till a later time.
 
markislam said:
As all of you know iam a new muslim convert, i have not yet told my wife about my conversion.

But yesterday while we were driving i asked her what if i convert to islam and i will make my kid also follow Islam like me, she said no way i am not going to allow that, i will fight, i know she was serious in what she said. She said why do you want to leave christ :hiding:
Click to expand...
If you are having those kind of conversations, then I am guessing your wife knows that something is going on with you ...

I would love to agree with Eric about interfaith marriages, but I think more often than not they cause very real tension and conflict ... and the more devout both partners are, the less giving they are likely to be to the religious and spiritual needs of the other.

If you start fighting over which faith your daughter should follow, you will potentially damage her trust in God completely and turn her away from religion alltogether ... imsad

Still, the only way for you is to tell your wife and family that you have converted.
I am wondering how you are managing to fast and pray without your wife knowing.

May God bless you and protect you both!
 
Thinker said:
Children need responsible parents.
Click to expand...

He sounds responsible to me. He is going through a very difficult time.

markislam said:
I am a responsible parent, i take care of my family, but when it comes to telling my faith to my family this is not the time for me, I did Istikara prayer and i had a dream that i should not tell about it till a later time.
Click to expand...

Oh you did Istikara. Now you have some guidance. When you feel the time is right then tell your wife that you have converted to Islam.

If i separate or get a divorce also the child will go to the mom. my dauter loves her mom more than me.
Click to expand...

If things do not go well and your wife gets a divorce you will still be allowed to see your child on a weekly basis.
 
hmm why don't you try educating her about Islam before telling her you've converted,

Do it indirectly ;D like say

"oh hun you'll never guess what I was watching this documentry on the T.V and it was saying that Islam acknowledges and believes in Jesus can you believe that?"

and tell her how both faiths share many things in common and it's possible they come from the same source God that's why they're similar.

And then tell her about prophet muhammed peace be upon him, maybe show her that film called "the message" and explain to her that he had no incentive to claim to be a prophet, because all the people of his city all turned against him and tortured his followers and forced him to leave. Don't forget to mention they offerred him money and women to give up preaching his message but he refused. There's no possible incentive for him to claim to be a prophet of God when you look at what he went through.

Maybe put those points 2 her indirectly so she doesn't suspect anything and tell her how you found it interesting to learn that the Qur'an speaks about Jesus and his mother Mary,

and tell her your confused why would a false prophet who was making his own religion feel the need to narrate the story of jesus and tell his followers to believe in jesus and the miraculous birth?

Inshallah if you explain 2 her and make dua she'll understand, say to her it makes no sense for god to send his son because it falls out of place with the trend of God, like he sent a long line of prophets and messengers before Jesus then all of a sudden he decideds to send his son??

doesn't make sense to me, what makes sense is they were all sent as messengers and prophets to their people to warn them and inform them of the truth. Try talking to her about it and just pretend your interested ;D

If you do it indirectly she probably won't suspect anything lol pretend you've got a Muslim friend at work who's telling you this then you can come home and say "oh you'll never guess what so and so told me today at work, he said Muslim's believe you should love for your brother what you love for yourself, can you believe that? and there was me thinking Islam preached bad stuff how foolish of me"

and just do it indirectly like this and she might not suspect anything lol :p
 
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Masha'Allah, he does sound responsible to me. May Allah Ta'ala make is easy for you. I think you should go forth by first telling your wife about your conversion. That is the most important, and if a negative outcome arises, then remember that it is a sacrifice. (But that's worst case scenario.) Insha'Allah her heart will soften towards Islam!
 
if you had that dream then follow it. concentrate on your deen and become more knowledgeable so then when the time comes to tell your wife you will be confident and able to answer her every question especially about prophet jesus pbuh when she see's how confident you are and you know alot.. she will begin to think about it herself gradually of course with the help of books and showing her islamic video's also.

her mind will become attached after a while when you keep talking about it and she keeps hearing you say Allah is one and jesus was just a prophet of god only inshallaah of course you need to pray for her. Allah is with those who are patient. its clear to see that the christcian beliefs are instilled in her just like the way i use to be.. but when i kept reciting the meaning of the kalma i deeply reflected on it and accepted it after a while of course with help
 
:sl: Mark,

How ya doing, bro? :statisfie Be positive and joyful everyday.

Regarding this situation with your wife, just try to discuss basic about religion (Christian belief vs Islam belief), why it is different, what's the purpose of this life? You can discuss with her step by step, show verses in exchange. Don't need to jump pushing her on everything. I am pretty sure, she will be overwhelmed deeply about religions. She could be confused and don't know what to do.

For me, I did same thing with my spouse, it worked well. I printed out, I ordered the book, I bought DVD, I research deeply myself to proof her wrong, and I observe her church and learn and learn and learn everyday.

Let her research (make sure right informations) and read/buy books. Open her eyes and think about it. Let her see your devot actions. Encourage her to join community online to ask many questions in any doubts. Only sisters members here: www.muslimmomscafe.com/

This wouldn't lead her to revert automatically, i would say 6-8 months for understanding clearly. It is depending.

I hardly doubt that she want you to divorce next day, she maybe assume Islam is bad thing maybe and never heard of it before. As your role model husband, just try make her understand in a polite way.

Hope this help. :D
 
Dear MarkIslam,

The prophet -pbuh- said: "The religion of God is deep, tread gently". This was a message to all of us to understand that a simple desire or a decision to be a good muslim does not produce OVERNIGHT a knowledgable near-perfect pious worshiper of God who walks the streets telling his neighbors and family what is right and what is wrong and does them all with ease and pleasure. It takes time, and time, and patience, and learning, and making mistakes, and then some more time. When the prophet -pbuh- used to send the companions to spread Islam, he ordered them to be gentle and to be gradual. He told them to tell the people of the message, that there is one God, and that he calls on people to hold on to the best of value and morals and let go of the worst. The prophet told them, when they accept, to inform them of their obligation to pray and to teach them. WHen they accept, they should tell them of the tithe (zakat) that they should pay and Ramadan that they should fast. When they accept, he should then tell them of halal and haram, and gradually introduce the major deeds and forbid the major sins and then work with the minor ones.

You converted shortly, there's no reason to expect that co-incidentaly your wife would have the same inspiration. She might need time to adopt, to accept. So the first thing you need to know and understand, that there is no rush right now to think about your daughter and her religion or your wife and her religion. When you decide to tell her, just tell her you have become muslim, and that there is no problem at all in him being married to her and being father of their child. Tell her you "found Mohammed, and did not lose Jesus" as well in order to put an end to the whole Jesus story. Take things gradually and do not show radical changes in your appearance or behaviour. Just start praying five times a day, and actualy show her that you are a much happier man and that you are gentler with her and your child. Do that for now for months if you have to, and answer her questions as she will have many.

The worst thing you can do is to start tackling on the minor issues of avoiding celebrations that are related to her religion and making her feel that you are alienating her. Not having easter in your house is not an obligation upon which you can risk your household, it hasn't been agreed upon by all scholars to start with, and even if it is it's not a major sin. Christians are allowed to have their celebrations so if you start saying this is my house and I won't allow it, you did more harm than good to your relationship and you did more harm than good to Islam by possibly putting her off of it. God says in the Quran "[FONT=Verdana,arial]It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Were you severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment).[/FONT]" (3:159)

You (or others) might think I am being complacent about Islam and religion by suggesting these things, well I actually got this advice for your special situation from Ahl Al-Hadith forum which is the official forum for Saudi scholars, who are most pious and strict and more importantly knowledgable sheikhs and scholars. They said new muslims tend to be over-enthusiastic where they might want to do EVERYTHING right, and right away. A person like that will most probably fail in several things, make mistakes in others, feel frustrated or unconfident or doubt themselves, and in some cases feel that "Islam is just too hard!" and back out equally fast. Some of the effects of this is that they project such frustration on their family or surrounding relatives or friends.

So as for your wife, don't worry, just as you took time, she might need time, but always be gentle and loving and completely independent with your religion without trying to dangle it as an expectation that she needs to comply with. Don't even discuss anything about the daughter's religion for now. When christmas or easter come, let them have it, and sit in and don't boycot it. For yourself, take it easy and discover this religion gradually, and may God bless your whole existence with his mercy and acceptance. :statisfie
 
^
assalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah.

This above advice given is 'Gold' my brother. I felt in a way that you were speaking to me as well. I cannot emphasis the importance of being gradual and being kind. The Beloved Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was very meticulous about Islaam and he had the perfect akhlaaq (character).

I would recommend also read about the Prophet's (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) life. As I cannot add anything to what brother Sampharo as put forth-all I can say is that he is right and I have first hand experience. Especially with my wife.

WAllaahu a'lam

Fi amaan ilah
 

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