need feedback

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Mr. Baldy

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salaam

ok so basically im writing an article and a poem/rap for a newsletter and i need some feedback, these are still in there begining stages.

first the article

'islam is like, so, yesterday'
Muslims youth of today view islam as backwards, traditional and old school, and who can blame them, with the mosque comitees ful of oldies (no offence to my respectable elders) the youth imagine islam as shalwaar kameez clad dusty 'pindis' in rickshaws. Not an image that appeals to them me thinks. This image is further enhanced by 'mosque days' when we all went to 'read' and got beats for chewing gum, and who can forget the crusty cornflakes in imaam saabs beard? (no offence imaam saab). And obviously we oppress women, i mean hijab? whats that all about? pfft its so yesterday. Islam is just not cool nowadays.
So todays image of islam, of bearded uncles sitting around in the masjid talking about the good old days back in the pind, is boring i agree, but what about islams 1400 year history?

thats all i got so far on that, what do you think?

the poem

look arounf trying to find glory days but i must be blind, maybe you idea of injustice is different from mine, but unlike you i dont use tanks or nines to fight my battles, my wepaons are my mind and the ink i use to get thoughts spinning, so when you lock me up for thinking ill still be grinning, coz my message sells my lyrics not my face, unlike sami and seven-eight...

again not fininshed but feedback would be appreciated
 
they're very good masha Allah but yeah kinda be careful about the backbiting stuff...its painting a not very nice picture of certain cultures

but your style is good masha Allah
 
ok heres the finished poem im calling it intifada

look around trying to find glory days but I must be blind, maybe your idea of injustice is different to mine, but unlike you I don’t use tanks and nines to fight my battles, my weapons are my mind and the ink I use to get thoughts spinning, so when you lock me up for thinking, ill still be grinning, and when you kill me, many more will replace me, take my place in front of your tanks for me, coz our mothers don’t breed children they breed soldiers to hold’ya back from our lands, stones in each hand, war stories from back home send chills down my spine, why the hell would I write rhymes, I don’t waste my time while my brothers are dying, from guantanamo to Palestine, coz what you do to them you do to me, so if you kill one you kill me, you rape one and you rape me, if you oppress one you oppress me, so don’t wonder why I grieve, and stand up against you until I leave this world and if that means you need to sink a bullet in my skull so let it be, what the heck empty the whole clip on me, I'm no stranger to death, you’ve been killing my people since Churchill was taking breaths, so now its time to choose heaven or hell, we’ve been in hell here, so in the next life its heaven hell yeah
 

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