Need genuine advice on marriage

[minhajmd20]

Layth;2971285]OP, you will have to prioritize and think of what is most important to you. If you want a working woman who work all day, which is fine, you will have to find another way to have your mother taken care of and somebody else to prep food. You can find somebody who is happy staying home, but you'll have to provide a comfortable lifestyle. That's just how it is. The options are there, but you ultimately have to decide what is most important to you

For others giving OP a hard time, the culture you were raised in matters. I would never allow a maid to bathe and feed my mother if I could help it. Once my mother is unable to look after herself, I will do it, insha'Allah. I would do the same for my mother in law as she has no daughters of her own. If either of them wanted the help of a maid instead, that is fine but it wouldn't be a first choice and knowing my mom, she'd have her limits with a maid

I can't imagine having a daughter in law who would wash her hands of me because I'm not her mother. That would hurt quite a bit.

My grandmother still has her mother in law (My great grandmother) and when they are together, even though they are both old, my grandmother still serves her mother in law. It is a way to show love and respect.

I don't think the OP is looking for a maid. He is looking for a woman who is considerate and will offer help on her own. Women like this exist and we are not maids, doormats or incompetent. We have businesses, jobs and whatnot, but we prioritize family and supporting our loved ones.

For those of you saying "Oh you should take on the responsibility, why are you backwards?" I'm sure you'll also say "It is your responsibility to provide for the household and support everyone financially." So then, how does a man who works full time to provide for his family able to also care for his mother when he is away working? Who will support him in supporting his mother? ^o) If he were to hire a maid, he would need somebody to supervise the made so his mother doesn't end up hurt or abused!

Everyone has high opinions aye?

Thank you for your good advice.

 

[azc]

Thanks, but it's not as easy as you say . Can't leave so easily. I'm at crossroads now.

I know it's very difficult to get such a girl who doesn't errect the wall in family and keep it united under the shadow of elders.

 

[سيف الله]

Salaam

I think you should be honest and upfront about what expectations you have from your potential wife (and vice versa). You have to think about the practicalities of married life, duties and responsibilities etc etc. Its not all fun and games.

Ask her about her thoughts on contributing to looking after your family (mother). See how she responds. If she is willing to be balanced and reasonable about it then its a good sign, but if she digs her heels and gives a negative response (you know the whole, its MY right etc etc), then perhaps you should reconsider.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I will definitely be looking after my mother. And FYI my mom is not sick alhamdulilah. I was just hoping the wife giving a helping hand with small works within the home and not work all day like a full time maid.

Make sure you don't compromise on this.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Minhajm,

(smile) If I understand what is happening correctly (please forgive me if I am mistaken), the young woman is apparently open to your proposal, and your mother is also open to it. Your concern is that the young woman in question does not know how to cook, and hence would not be able to contribute to the household's success as fully as you feel is necessary.

(smile) But is the important question whether she can cook or not? Might it not be more enlightening to consider her general character? Because if she is a nice person, if it is necessary for your family functioning to be able to cook, then she will learn how to do this. (smile) I hardly knew how to cook when I got married... and my! I made some mistakes, and the food was pretty simple and sometimes awful... at first. (smile) But over time, I learnt how to cook and feed my large family. And they are now a healthy, towering-over-me bunch of young people!

Of course, if it is possible to hire a maid to help out your womenfolk, then I would highly encourage you to do this, particularly if you have children. Not only will this be a relief for your womenfolk, but if your wife has more time and energy... (twinkle) perhaps she might be more attentive to you.

So overall, I think that in your position it would be a good idea to get the families involved and have a good chat to try to answer the questions that you have. Present yourself and your relatives to her family, and present her and her relatives to yours, and get to know one another a bit. (smile) While it is not exact that a woman will be like her mother, and a man like his father, there are traits that you will see in the relatives that will show up in the children (your generation... and your own children, too...). (seriously) Look at these.

Also, if there are any problems down the road, the relatives are the people you will most likely go to in times of need. Are her relatives reliable? (Are yours?) Again, this is not a 100 % sort of question and answer. Some may be reliable, some not, you may decide the young woman's qualities outweigh some relative's deficiencies... Still, think about these things... because whatever your decision, you will be better prepared for the future.

Finally, please note that on this forum, there are many people from many different places. (gently) Please forgive us if we do not understand your particular culture and circumstances, or if we may speak from the pain of our own experiences and circumstances.


May God, the Subtle, the Knowing, Guide you to a marriage that is the best for you in this life and the Next.

 

[ardianto]

In my culture women are not required to be able to cook to become a wife. But they learn to cook by their own willing because they want to give a happiness to their husbands and children. Many career women in my place feel proud if they can cook, and love to share recipes with each others.

Indonesian women are independent and can not be forced. But they will do something if they feel motivated.

 

[minhajmd20]

Thank you all for your answers.. Jazak Allah khair..

 

[Zzz_]

Assalam alaikum!

Please let me know if it's okay to marry this girl who would go to office, doesn't know cooking and hence would provide lil support to my sick mom. I like this from office and are close now. I told my mom that I like this girl and even though my mom doesn't like this match she still agreed considering my happiness.

I'm in dilemma now, please let me know if I should go ahead with this match or not. Our families are going to be involved soon. Please advise at the earliest.

Jazak Allah khair!

Wa'alaikum as'salam,

It doesn't matter what others think or say. What you have to see is what is important to you. If you want a wife that will help look after your mother, which seems to be what you are looking for, then you need to prioritize that. Did your mom say why she doesn't like this match? You should sit down and have a talk with the girl. If you want a wife that stays home and looks after your mother or works part time then should convey that to her. Maybe she has different goals in life. You may go for it now but may not be happy later on if she's a career girl and you need someone to be there for your mother and you.