Need support and advice

thanx Grace Seeker...I will definitely try and get a hold of those books and try and get what I can to help me out in my situation....
I just wanted to mention one thing...my husband gets really stressed out over small small things and is on medication for anxiety and sleep medication...he started them when he was unable to work in two consecutive jobs which he had taken up...he also has a problem with blood pressure which goes up if anything stresses him out...i was just wondering if anyone is aware of a young 26 year old person who might be facing these sort of problems so that i can feel at ease that it might not be something psychological which might be making him act the way he does....

i met my husband in March so i knew him for a very short time before marriage(got married in june)....my family wanted more time as i was finishing my education but his mom had this sense of urgency that we should get married right away..she said other family would not be able to make it to the wedding after that time....

another thing is that a few months before we got married he had gotten addicted to drugs and he was on them for a few months and had just left them in jan and we got married in june...so i don't know if that has anything to do with the unusual attachment between the mom and the son(coz she helped him get off of it) or maybe its something else altogether which my mom in law knows about but does not want me to know but wants me to still stick around...there's so many things that come to my mind but something makes sense one minute and another minute it does not....just crazy confusing...i would love to have any thoughts on this just to get feedback from a third person's point of view...

i am still doing istikhara everyday...inshallah Allah(swt)will guide me...

another thing...this autism thing came about when i had done the istikhara for three days...i did not get any dreams or any feelings...just felt the same confusion..do u think it might have anything to do with istikhara???

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please ppl any thoughts on my previous post??

the same thing happened again yesterday with my mom in law...i'm so sick of this whole situation...i felt like just jumping off a cliff or something...

i was driving and my husband was in the passenger seat talking to his mum on the phone(speaker phone) and i did not interrupt them...when she found out she started getting upset about the fact that i had not said salaam to her...and then she just started saying more things to me and making me feel horrible again...and my husband instead of settling things down started to make fun of me and saying things like over and over again say salaam...say sorry to my mom u made her upset and telling his mom that i was rolling my eyes(even though i was not) and joking about it and laughing and his mom kept getting more and more upset with me though she just kept saying stufff indirectly to me about all the past stuff...i seriously felt like i would have an accident!!not that i wanted to but my head was spinning and i just felt like i was going to faint or something...

i have just started to become so overwhelmed now...i don't know how much longer i can take this anymore!!!!

if my elders are giving me advice as to the fact that divorce might be the best option for me and i have been doing istikhara and my heart does lean towards that side then is it possible that these are effects of the istikhara??

please help me out!!!

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I am not Muslim. I cannot give you Muslim advice, especially with how you should respond to istikhara. I can only give you Christian advice. If you want that, PM me and I will do that best for you that I can and remain respectful of your faith in Allah as well. But, I won't be able to quote for you from the Qur'an or the Hadith to substantiate what I say.
 
Anonymous Tester said:
:sl:
I am in a situation and I thought I would post here and see if someone could help me out...If not I think it also just helps to talk about some things...I have been married now for almost three years...My husband and I have had problems understanding each other from the start...I try to understand him but I feel as if he does not want to make the effort...He likes to show his affection alot but otherwise if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....i have tried to ignore this and alot of other things but now it's starting to really bother me...If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...she lives in another city and we live in another one...my mom was upset...i got to know about this and was really mad at her...but i did not say nething just held back a little by talking to her less than before...so she knew i knew....then i had a huge fight with my husband...i usually don't tell him nething but about this i did as i felt it was wrong of her to do this...when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother which hurt him i know....but i said sorry as i had been extremely angry...but he went and told his mother behind my back and lied to me that he had not told her...I feel like I can never trust him as this always happens...Its just a very tough situation and I have left everything upto Allah...Inshallah He will help me and whatever is best for me will come out of this situation...I need all the prayers...So please remember me in your dua's...

I'm sorry this post is long but i have left out all the details and the latest developments...I just need all the support i can get...I'm so far away from my family and I just miss them very much....I'll wait for the replies...Jazakallah!!
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wernt u the one talking about having a low self esteem in another forum, and how u fear tht u might not get married due to ur looks? how come u are talking about marital problems now??????????????:?
 
No that wasn't me...i think if u post as anonymous it gives similar stats on the side where your name should be...i think that was someone else....

but if anyone does have advice from the Islamic point of view to my questions in the posts above I would really appreciate it...

how do i PM you Grace seeker??

:w:
 
Anonymous Tester said:
No that wasn't me...i think if u post as anonymous it gives similar stats on the side where your name should be...i think that was someone else....

but if anyone does have advice from the Islamic point of view to my questions in the posts above I would really appreciate it...

how do i PM you Grace seeker??

:w:
Click to expand...

Just click on my name, and below it will pop up a screen with the line "send a private message to Grace Seeker". Just click on that link and another screen will pop up for you to write and send your message to me. I'll get it the next time I come online. But, you'll need to give me some way to contact you with it (your real profile name or an email address) becaue I can't send a PM to "Anonymous".

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Salam sis,

Firstly I'd like to apologise because I just realised I made lots of typing errors. Just reading it now, it sounded as if I was saying that you don't want to work things out. That was a genuine error. I'm sorry if it sounded otherwise.

I can see your problems aren't getting any better. Your husband's behavior in the car was atrocious! There comes a point where anyone can see that talking to him isn't going to bring any benefits - except by the intervention of a scholar who specialisez in the jurisprudence of marriage.

I say this because, he will be able to assess the situation islamically and also act as a go-between. It will also give your husband a chance to have his say (that's if he talks to anyone else other than his mother!) The scholar will also be able to guide your husband. But most importantly he will be able to tell you whether in your present situation you are entitled to divorce or not. By that I mean, after speaking to your husband he may tell you to wait for a certain period of time to see if there's any improvement. Or he might suggest divorce.

That's because, although divorce is the most hated lawful act by Allah subhana watala, it actually becomes desirable and even obligatory in some cicumstances.

The ruling on divorce varies from permissable, detestable, desirable, obligatory to prohibited. Two which spring to mind in your situation are

Desirable when the wife suffers harm during her marital life, such as dissension between her and her husband or when she dislikes him. In this case, maintaining the marriage causes her more harm.

Obligatory when the husband is neither righteous nor upright concerning religion, it is obligatory for the wife to ask for divorce.

maybe the latter applies too? :?


At this point sis, I sincerely suggest that you seek the advice of the learned. InshaAllah then you will be able to think with clarity and make a decision that you won't regret.

all my love,

ur sis : ))
 
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Grace Seeker i cannot PM you as I am limited member...
lots of other things happened today too which i think made the situation worse...i don't know what to do...maybe just get out of the situation to save myself and everyone else all the porblems???just feel horrible...everthing is always blamed on me and i can't even complain of the things that i see are wrong!!!i will update more in the next post...
Jazakallah Muslimah_Sis...i agree with you about involving someone learned...at this point i have started doubting myself and thinking that i really am the one who is in the wrong here....i've started not liking weekends as when my husband is home he talks more to his mum and things get worse...
more later!!:cry:
 
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Muslimah_Sis you mentioned that situations in which divorce is permissible in Islam...in my case...i have a strong feeling that my husband has a disorder namely autism...he seems to have a whole lot of the symptoms of a high functioning autistic adult...there are alot of programs where he can go for therapy but the problem here is that if i mention something like this to him and his mother gets to know which she will obviously as he is so dependent upon her...all hell will break loose!!!

yesterday also...alot of problems happened..i have not been feeling well for a while coz i have been miserable so my husband says yesterday i am taking u to the ER no matter what and he told his mom too and she's calling around and finding doctors that i can talk to on the phone as she felt that her son was so upset...i refused and said i would get an appointment from my doctor and then go but they were after my life and called me hardhearted and cold as i wasn't talking much....then she said i just want to talk to u and i get so stressed when she calls that i start shaking and get palpitations!!!so i just sat there crying and shaking and refused to talk to her...

then my husband kept saying that i won't talk to his mom and he said he would talk to me and then call her back...so we talked and i tried to tell him what i was going through and he still kept saying talk to her....but i said that she makes me so stressed i will lose my mind....and then we had this whole discussion where i told him what all bothered me and nothing really came out of it except that i told him that i did not want to talk to his mom rite now as i could not deal with it....later he called her and said that to her that i was not going to talk to her so she should not talk ot me either and she got hurt and mad and started listing all the old things that have happened...i just stayed quiet and out of that room...

i do realize that this is probably not the most mature way to act but i feel that it is really affecting my mental health...and my husband really says things in a way that make me look awful...he could have said that she is not feeling well so just don't talk to her but he said no she does not want to talk to u and obviously she will take it the wrong way....

he is so dependent on his mom and tells her everything..like the day before he had been telling me u are always sick and i told him that when u were depressed and anxious for so long i did not bother u and he told his mom that too and she said to me the next day at least he went and sought help and we are trying to help u and u still think we are being bad....even though i already have a doctor's appointment and i know exactly what is wrong with me but obviously she chooses not to see that it's coz of what she is doing to me!!!
 
Anonymous Tester said:
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Grace Seeker i cannot PM you as I am limited member...
lots of other things happened today too which i think made the situation worse...i don't know what to do...maybe just get out of the situation to save myself and everyone else all the porblems???just feel horrible...everthing is always blamed on me and i can't even complain of the things that i see are wrong!!!i will update more in the next post...
Jazakallah Muslimah_Sis...i agree with you about involving someone learned...at this point i have started doubting myself and thinking that i really am the one who is in the wrong here....i've started not liking weekends as when my husband is home he talks more to his mum and things get worse...
more later!!:cry:
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Ah, ok. Well, Here is an email account that if it gets filled with Spam I can delete it. Just write me if you think that I can help. But remember, I am not Muslim. I'm a Christian pastor and though I have experience counseling people, I can't do it from the standpoint of the Qur'an and the Hadiths.

Whatever you decide, I hope you are able to work things out.
 
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Grace Seeker, i sent and email on the address u provided not sure whether u received it....

any other Muslim brothers or sisters i had a question about my istakhara...i mentioned the autism thing before...

but a few days ago...i had a dream...i don't remember the whole dream very well but in just a few words i still remember i got the feeling that in the dream the parents of a girl are trying to get their daughter married to a boy and they are being told that they should not marry her to this boy....any idea if that is a sign of what i should do???could it be coz i have been thinking about it so much that it came in my dream??but i haven't had any other dreams and i usually don't dream very much....i am just confused...when i think of staying here with my husband for the rest of my life i feel agitated and when i think about going away i feel more at peace??

any ideas about this??
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Derest sister........I really feel for u darling........

I know exactly how ur feeling regarding the mother-in-law situation as I've been there myself.
You are being emotionally balckmailed by her. Her constant reminder of how good she's been towards you only confuses you and leaves you miserable. I can understand exactly how u feel wen she's on the phone, u dont wanna listen to wat she has to say, yet it's really hard to tear away.
And I can understand that on days she's been nice to you your whole day goes perfectly. (and that's where the solution lies to rid your depression)

You need to make-up with her one last time good and well...........then slowly let your relationship fade away..........trust me sister, it really works!

Dearest sister, no matter how low ur feeling try to keep up with ur salaah's. Because once u start to miss one, u'll miss another then another and slowly ur depression will increase and u will b left feeling hopeless and too ashamed to think that the Most merciful is with u.

Remember......if you want Allah to remember you then you remember him. And what more could a person want then the creator of the World's on their side?

May everything work-out for u sis and I'm always here if u need a chat.
 
this is quite common in my culture. mothers never want to let go of their sons. a mother has great rights over her children but once her sons are married she should let them have privacy within their own relationships. people in our culture do not understand that. once their sons are married they get very protective. i have always felt that in laws would prefer you be like a cow. solely for breeding purposes. they do not wish for you to have any other relationship with their sons. when i got married it was as though i had no rights . i was expected to have children straightaway. my husband was not expected to utter any words to me during the day. it was though i belonged to my in laws. my husband came to live with me in the UK and then things got better. even then my in laws controlled everything over the phone. it was only after living together for a long while that my husband began to trust me and see me as a life companion instead of someone who just works like a slave no questions asked. but my dear sister to reach this stage you need a lot of patience. Allah is witness to my tears and the unhappiness in my heart that i felt time and time again when i suffered indifference however by keeping quiet and praying to Allah my husband's eyes were opened and there came a time when he himself would acknowledge the injustice. your husband needs to know that you are on his side. in our culture the in laws do not like that your husband should love you or treat you with respect. they see this as a way of losing their son. howevr you must persevere so that your husband realises your worth. women have problems with their in laws all over the world. trust me i talk from experience but your relationship with your husband cannot be ruined because of this. on the contrary rise above it. ignore your mother in law. if she tries to wind u up smile sweetly and pretend it doesn't bother you. keep her sweet. feel sorry for her. if she had peace of heart and mind she would not act so cruelly towards you. what your husband really wants is for you all to get along together. if you can prove to your husband that you are willing to go through anything to keep him happy you will win his respect. if you cant go to visit your parents keep praying. my fathers best advice to me was if you have a problem read two rakats salaah ul hajah and put your problem to Allah. believe me sister when you are feeling all alone and have been hurt by others close to you Allah is there and no one can help you but Allah. pray that Allah guides your husband also.
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Mashallah I always pray all my salaahs and make sure that I don't miss any...i usually don't pray sunnah and nafil but mashallah i have started doing that as well....maybe not all the time but whenever I can...i understand where u are coming from guideme2007 but here the problem is totally different...i have been persevering and being patient...i do everything for my husband....alot of times he will stay home and order me to go get movies for him or to go get him coffee...if i ask him to come along as it would become like an outing for us he gets mad at me....if i'm not well he will still make me do it...i am at such a point now that if i talk to my mother in law i start getting anxiety attacks...if it was a normal situation i would deal with everything with patience...i know marriage is alot of hard work and patience...when my husband was out of a job i used to go with him to interviews and sit out in the car or the lobby as he could not find directions...we have been in this city for two years and he still does not know any directions except how to get to his job and that too i had gone with him the first couple of times...i'm not saying how much i have done for him as he is my husband but he feels like its his birth right and i know he was raised to think that way...anything that i have to do for myself i have to do it on my own...all my green card renewal i did on my own he did now even know nething...i got my passport renewed on my own he did not even know about it...seems like he does not even care....if i even ask him to get bread on the way back from work he doesn't even though the shop is on the way....he'll come home and then send me....i know i don't work and don't have kids but that does not mean that he should act this way...he doesn't say his prayers and when i used to tell him to his mom would say no don't say nething to him if u do say alot he will not say it even more out of stubbornness...she says it to him sometimes but not often enough...i mean my mom used to drag me out of bed for fajr and just push me into the bathroom and then i had no choice but to say my prayers....i'm not saying i'm perfect...i also make a lot of mistakes buti have been trying to get this to work...it feels like he does not even try!!!:cry:

there are so many things...if i am upset or something he will either call his mom or not know what to do...if i'm crying he will probably laugh and say that's all u do...when his mom's getting mad at me and all he will make fun of me which will make me feel like i should just go jump off a bridge(not literally)

i feel like i have tried hard and nothing works and instead of getting better things get worse...i can't tell him any of my feelings....i could care less about my mother in law if only my husband were supportive of me and acted like other normal guys...sometimes i really do feel like he has some kind of disorder...

i'm sorry my posts are so long...please forgive me but this is one of my outlets otherwise i would seriously go crazy...

:w:
 
Anonymous Tester said:
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Grace Seeker, i sent and email on the address u provided not sure whether u received it....
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Yes, I got your message and I am working on a reply. Please forgive me if it takes some time, this is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. And next week I will be visiting my daughter. I know you are doing your best to hang on in what seems like an impossible situation. I hope you might be able to do so a little longer.


I notice that you spend a lot of time talking about the relationship between your husband and his mother. What about the relationship between your husband and his father? Is he still living? If not, how long has he been gone? Does your husband have any brothers or sisters? If so, what type of relationship do they have with their mother? Most importantly, what type of relationship did his father have with his mother when you husband was a child at home?

Every competent parent knows that the most important wedding present they will ever give their children is the gift of their own healthy relationship. Why? Because kids carry into their own marriage much of what they saw practiced by their moms and dads. This is why you may not be getting much help from your mother-in-law. She probably taught her son to behave this way toward you by behaving this way with his father.

One way to maybe help your husband get past this is an excercise that would have him critique his parent's marriage. (Now, you can't let him know that this is what he is doing, because he seems combative when it comes to sharing much with you.)

Begin by asking him what it was like for him growing up. What did he like best about it? (Always talk about the good stuff first.) Did he and his dad have any special things they shared with one another? Comment on how strong the bond he has with his mother. Ask if it was always like that? What is the one trait that he admires most in his mother? (Hint: if it is something that you could adopt without changing who you are, that might help you connect with him a little better.) Keep going with a few more questions:
Is that what you father liked best about your mother too?
What other things did your father like about your mom?
Were there any things that were less than perfect that they had to work on to improve their marriage?
Who had to change more to maker their marriage work, your mom or your dad?

Don't do too many, but just enough to see if you can get him to begin to see that all marriages require work. None are naturally perfect, but all can be great -- but to achieve really good marriage requires both partners to work at it.

You might ask some of these questions of your mother-in-law too. Ask her what was life like for her when she and your husband's father first got married? What things about being married surprised her the most? If she ever talks about any of the things that you struggle with in your own relationship, tell her that you are in the same place she was years ago. Ask her how she handled it? Did it ever get any better, or did she just learn to accept it?\

In doing this it might seem like you are looking for advice. If you get any good advice, of course take it, but your really purpose is not advice, but to see if you can learn what their personal patterns were, because these patterns are also their built in expectations of what your husband's marriage would be like. But by talking about people other than your husband, you avoid actually bringing up complaints about your relationship because doing that does not seem to be working for you.
 
I notice that you spend a lot of time talking about the relationship between your husband and his mother. What about the relationship between your husband and his father? Is he still living? If not, how long has he been gone? Does your husband have any brothers or sisters? If so, what type of relationship do they have with their mother? Most importantly, what type of relationship did his father have with his mother when you husband was a child at home?
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his parents still live together....my husband does not talk to his father much just when he absolutely needs to...like to ask a question or when his mom puts him on the phone and even then they both don't talk much...he has a sister and he does not talk much to the sister...only rarely...like last year his mom had gone overseas and she told me when i'm not there it is your duty to keep communication flowing between the family as these people do not do it on their own...they are so used to having me do it for them....his sister is close to her mother too but it's still different...she is quite independent and lives on her own in a separate city where she is studying...my husband has never lived on his own...

according to his mom...she had a wonderful relationship with her husband initially....but his family(her husband's) tried in every single way to destroy their relationship....initially in their marriage they lived with their in laws and then moved abroad then went back again for a while and then moved here to the US....so i guess most of their married life they were living far away from her in laws....just the other day my husband was saying to her that u did not even talk to my grandmother when she was alive and she said no it was her who did not talk to me i was always very good to her and took really good care of her....his mom has also said to me that whenever her in laws are around they put tension between her and her husband and they fight...even uptil now!!

Who had to change more to maker their marriage work, your mom or your dad?
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according to his mom...she changed herself totally in order to make her marriage work...i have felt this that she is the dominant one in the relationship sometimes and alot of times her husband listens to her...like when my husband and I got married my mom in law was doing everything like she was the one who was there and she was the one who made the decision...and later after we got married...she used to complain that her husband did not do anything to help her out even when he had come coz he was only there for a week only for the actual marriage and that she had to do everything on her own...

You might ask some of these questions of your mother-in-law too. Ask her what was life like for her when she and your husband's father first got married? What things about being married surprised her the most? If she ever talks about any of the things that you struggle with in your own relationship, tell her that you are in the same place she was years ago. Ask her how she handled it? Did it ever get any better, or did she just learn to accept it?\
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she and her husband had remained engaged for two years before they got married so they knew each other quite well i guess by the time they were married...she says her marriage in the beginning was like magic and her husband used to do so much for her like when she was expecting my husband he would like give her fresh juice taking it out himself and he was so caring and all...and i also remember her telling me that her in laws were so horrible that once they even threw her out of the house and she had to go live with her mother for a while with both her kids....so i guess they had a lot of problems and when her husband listened to his parents it would just get worse....i also remember one thing that my husband's grandmother had said to me once...she said my daughter in law was always in a bad mood...so see i get so many different stories from different places that i don't know who to believe....

i will definitely try and talk to my husband about it...but usually if he is not in a talkative mood he just says i don't know or i don't remember....i'm at the point where i don't know how to talk to him about anything...like i stay quiet a lot now and he says u are the one who does not communicate....but if i ask him something he just gives a ridiculous answer in jest and does not get serious or just does not answer....i used to try and talk to him before all this but he would seem so disinterested and just not talk...i hope i make sense...

my mom in law is very talkative and she used to talk to me alot and tell me alot of things but whenever i say nething to my husband and he tells her she loses her mind and now i'm at the point where i'm losing my mind...i went to the doctor and have been prescribed anxiety medication as i start getting anxiety attacks when ever my mom in law calls....

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It seems to me like you are dealing with more than one thing.

1) There is your relationship with your husband. That's the primary one.
2) There is your relationship with your mother-in-law. But it isn't the primary one. If you can fix the relationship between you and your husband the one with your mother-in-law either falls in place naturally...or if it doesn't you just ignore her.
3) And there is your relationship with yourself. Now what do I mean by this last one?

Well, we all have a relationship with ourselves. That is where the anxiety is coming from. It really isn't anxiety about what she is going to do. You pretty much know what she is going to do. The thing you don't know is how you are going to deal with it. Let me suggest that you make a decision in advance of how you are going to deal with it. Decide that if she is making sense that you will listen. And if she is being mean, talking nonsense, putting you down, or any of the other stuff that is getting under your skin that your body might be present, but your mind and spirit are going to just check out and go someplace nice for awhile. Grant yourself a mental vacation. Remember you have control over how much importance you place on what she says.

Most of us have occassions when someone we don't even care about says something insulting to us. They might even be right. We mistakenly cut them off in traffic and they let us know of their displeasure with us. Other times they are just plain rude. They are standing behind us in line and we overhear them talking about us. And though upsetting, we don't let it get to us. We don't really care, because we don't care about them. And hence we don't care about their opinion.

Now obviously, you do care about your mother-in-laws opinion. But there is caring and caring too much. Right now, if it is making you sick, you are caring too much. Again you may not be able to distance yourself physically from her, but you don't really need to do that. What you need is to somehow distance yourself emotionally. Whether you inteded to or not, you've given her a lot of emotional control over your life. You need to take that back. She can only control you to the extent that you give her permission to occupy your mind and thoughts. If she is crazy making, then she isn't worth the space you've given her. Remember, she is not primary, your husband is.

So, (1) take possession of your life back for yourself by giving less space to her in it. Then (2) give yourself some time for healing. And finally (3) focus your energies on developing the relationship you want -- at least as far as it depend on you -- with your husband and let your mother-in-law fend for herself.
 
Thanx Grace Seeker...
What u said makes a lot of sense...I do realize that I gave her a lot of emotional control over me and I do need to repair my own relationship with myself...I have lost all my self confidence and I feel like i can't do anything on my own...even though I know that's not true it someone keeps telling u that they have been so good to u and u are the one at fault it just kind of starts to sound true...and u start doubting yourself and feeling worthless....I am at a point where I have now emotionally detached myself from her no matter what she says...I don't talk to her at all now...My husband does not like it and the day i told him I don't want to talk to her as she gives me a lot of stress he said to me why don't u just apologize and make up...but I said no...I also feel that it would be a good idea for me to go away for a while...assess my situation and have someone mediate on my part who can be neutral and who can talk some sense into my husband and mum in law coz i can't communicate with either of them....that way i will be detaching myself from both and doing something for myself....

I also talked to a person who is quite learned in Islam and told him my whole situation and he basically said the same thing...that it's better to kind of step back from the situation and have someone learned and stable mediate on my part....it will either make the situation even more irreparable or it will make them realize their mistake...either way something has to be done coz i just can't keep hanging in mid air and not do anything at all...

please just pray for me that whatever is the best for me happens and that whatever happens, Allah(swt) is happy with me and my decision and actions....

:w:
 

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