Need support and advice

[Grace Seeker]

I'll keep you in my prayers my sister. I'll be gone for about a week. But keep on the track you have set yourself on. I'll be interested in learning of your progress in healing your emotions when I get back.

 

[Snowflake]

dear sis, I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply lately. I hope you didn't think that I'd forgotten about you. InshaAllah not!

i have a strong feeling that my husband has a disorder namely autism...he seems to have a whole lot of the symptoms of a high functioning autistic adult...there are alot of programs where he can go for therapy but the problem here is that if i mention something like this to him and his mother gets to know which she will obviously as he is so dependent upon her...all hell will break loose!!!

It's very difficult for people with this disorder to develope intimate relationships. Even if you mentioned it and they agreed to get help, will you be able to put in the hard work of managing the whole process without it corroding any last bit of patience and sanity you have left?

Going back a few posts, you mentioned that your mother-in-law was in quite a hurry for the marriage to take place immediately soon after the proposal. Could this be because she was aware of her son's condition and didn't want it to become noticed before the wedding. Allahu alam, I'm just guessing, but it's a possibility. If you find that this was the case, would it make you feel conned and inclined towards seeking divorce?


What I'm going to state next isn't merely my own opinion but rather some facts that cause women all over the world unnecessary guilt and unhappiness. Women are naturally inclined to nurture and care for those who they feel need it. We become the weight-bearers for everyone else's problems, and turn a blind eye to the problems that come out of it for ourselves. A part of us likes the challenge of making someone else's world a better place, even when our own world is wobbling on it's axis. And we feel that if we don't make a difference, if we don't push ourselves to the limit in changing someone/something for the better, then it's as we have failed to be what we and others wanted us to be.


We have this heroic illusion of ourselves that we will make everything alright and become everyone's favourite person for having accomplished something so unimaginable. And then we will live happily ever after floating in the admiration and gratitude of those whose problems we took on and solved. Does a part of you feel like that?


Being a woman myself, I undertand. But I want to say that these sacrificial thoughts are often nothing more than our own conjectures. Very rarely can a person take on such a task and succeed. I'll tell you why dear sis. It's because without the cooperation of those concerned we cannot even begin to gain a foothold in the mountain of struggles we're willing to climb. And from what I see in your case, there is no cooperation involved. None whatsoever at all!


It might've been easier if your mother-in-law wasn't a part of the picture. But, she is. And I cannot see how even if you block her mentally, you can stop her influence in your world through her son.


I don't know how much of a fight you have left in you. But from what you say, it's seems your last ounce of strength is fading. You don't have to bear the burdens for which you have no strength sis. The fight was over a long time ago. Please stop exhausting yourself by fighting an imaginary battle. A battle which is against your ownself.


My apologies, since this post is never-ending. And my head is spinning due to sleepiness (explains my ramblings at least). But I don't want to see you suffering in that which you cannot change by yourself. You ARE suffering sis. With you, your parents are suffering too. And should Allah bestow you with children.. Allah forbid, they should suffer too.


Think of your future sis. I know from experience that when we fight to change what we can't, we ourselves break emotionally, mentally and physically, while everything else remains the same. We become bitter and miserable and at the end unable to embrace happiness, because we stop believing that it exists. Please don't let happiness become a figment of your imagination. Don't destroy yourself dear sis. Your husband's condition isn't like flu that can be nursed and gone in a few weeks. Nor, do I see him, or your M.I.L admit to it and seek help and risk being labelled with a condition people have little understanding of.


At the risk of sounding like mystic meg, I will say that I am 99.9% sure that any effort you do make to make this marriage work will only be in vain. Astaghfirullah, however much I'd like to be proved wrong in this case, my instincts rarely are. Your posts are enough to make me want to literally take you out of that situation and make you realise that this marriage is and will continue to do more damage to you than you could imagine.


There is no shame in preserving our sanity and wellbeing. And both of yours are at risk. You are not bound by any religious or moral obligations to stay with a man who cannot fulfil his duties towards you. Please, stop the self-torture and put yourself first. I don't know why my conviction is so strong, but I can't see anything good coming from the sacrifices you are making. Perhaps it's my own experience of life that is causing me to provoke you into putting yourself first. All I know is that in some cases (mine too) it's worth it.


You don't deserve this kind of life. Neither do the parents who brought you up with so much love deserve to see their daughter suffering. I love you for the sake of Allah. Please put yourself first sis.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

dear Muslimah Sis...jazakallah for the long post...it actually makes a lot of sense and your intuition was in fact quite on track as i did reach my limits...i am currently at my cousin's place which is a few hours away from where i was...it got so bad on friday that i called 911...

my cousin had invited both my husband and me to come visit them but he started not feeling good and said he couldn't go all that way and they asked me to come alone and i said yes...my husband said u can do whatever u want...the next day he told him parents...first his dad talked to me i said i was stressed and wanted to go he kept asking me why tel me tell me...i couldn't coz i knew they wouldn't understand and just corner me...he was nice but then he said talk to my wife and when she started talking i just started getting out of control....and crying and breathing really fast...my FIL kept telling my husband to go get me water coz i was crying so hard but he said i won't she's always acting and all she knows is just to cry...and i'm through with her she will be fine when i hang up...my hysteria got to the point where my whole body was numb and i couldn't breathe properly...my husband just hung up the phone and threw it near me and i picked it up and called 911 and they came and helped me overcome my anxiety attack...i told them what had happened with my husband and in laws...then i called my cousin and he got me a ticket rite away...

my husband when talking to his parents said that he didn't care for me nemore and i could go and file from here and he did not go to even drop me at the airport and did not even talk to me after that whole incident...it actually just made leaving a little easier...i just feel so relieved that i am here amongst people who understand me and are supportive of me...he didn't bother to call me after that...but my FIL called my cousin and talked for a bit with him....i am just going to stay here and see what happens...may Allah guide me to make the right decision....i will keep updating and i will post some more in direct response to you post Muslimah Sis and i definitely aagree with most of what you said...

 

[Snowflake]

Salam again sweet sis,

Sorry for the late reply. I wrote a reply two days ago but half way I stopped to consult a scholar. I was given another number and was asked to call back later. I got a bit late and then no one answered. So I didn't submit my post. Since then I was busy with my family as something bad had happened. But alhumdulillah everyone is OK. I'm going to copy-paste my previous reply without reading it. I know if I start doing that, I'll end up editing bits and pieces, which'll mean another two days delay lol!

My two day old reply...
I'm lost for words sis. I can imagine what a horrible exprience this was for you. And I'm glad you are away at the moment. Some distance will be good for you to reflect on the choices you have to make and also to give you some much needed respite.


When I hear of marital problems, I don't automatically suggest that divorce is THE way out. But rather, I come to that view after observing and recognising the behavior and mentality of those involved as well as how high the probability of change is. I also observe each party's willingness to reconcile their differences, as well as their lack of interest to do so.


From what I gather, and I may be wrong, a tiny part of you is still hesitant about ending this marriage? The final decision should be yours as only you know how much more you can take. And only you really know what the emotion/reason behind this hesitancy is. It could be a ray of hope/the way your mind was conditioned about striving to sustain a marriage (in adversity)/ the thoughts of your parents having to explain to people why their daughter got divorced, the stigma, or even your own need to exhaust all attempts to change things for the better.


Naturally, from an outsiders perspective, and seeing your suffering, I'm inclined to suggest that you put your welfare first. But at the same time I also appreciate that a part of you remains hesistant (from the reasons I mentioned).


With that, I favour that the ultimate decision should be yours. However, I can help in making you come to a decision - which maybe to stay or to go.


First: As you're sure that your husband displays signs of HFA, you must also aware what this means. That is that, autistic people do not understand other people's emotions/way of thinking. They assume that everyone thinks like them. And when they find that they don't, they don't like it and often become angry.
This is a classic example as to why your husband gets angry when you object to him confiding in his mother. He thinks you think the same way and he sees no wrong with what he does, but with you objections. That is because the autistic imagination does not connect with the emotional. However, to say all autistics are the same would be like saying all nonautistic people are the same. There are some very upright, and fair, honest and straightforward people with this condition. Therefore I would say it'd be wrong to assume that every aspect of your husbands behavior is due to to autism. It could simply be traits in his nature.





Secondly: let's say, your husband begins therapy. This will not make him nonautistic, but will only teach him to pretend to understand other people's emotions and how to deal with them. He will feel the same inside, but learn not to react negatively. This will be a facade. Like a person wearing a mask to hide their real identity. Even then, there is no short cut to this.



Thirdly: What if despite therapy, there is no change? As like I said before some of what he does may be attributed to his nature?



Fourthly: And without therapy, what will life with your husband entail? A constant struggle for you to not do things which make him angry? Allowing him to do things which make you unhappy but for him are logical? If you have children, repeating the whole process to make them understand why daddy is the way he is? Note: Autism also has a high degree of heritability.



Fifthly: Autism is not catagorised as a mental illness but rather
a developmental disorder. What does Islam say about marriage to such persons? Let's see:

It was here that I stopped here to ring the scholar and saved my reply.

So now I can't advise accordingly. I really wanted to know what a scholar advises in your situation and your husband's condition. But inshaAllah I will keep trying.


However, for now, firstly, I pray you are well inshaAllah. And secondly sis, sensing your hesitation, to remind you that you have two choices. One is to struggle on and on with no sign/guarantee of betterment in your marriage. And secondly accepting that you cannot do this on your own and to stop thinking that it is your responsibility to solve everyone else's problems, which they don't have any interest in solving themselves.


Your husband has already told you to file for divorce. He's already said that he doesn't care for you. Life isn't a fairytale sis. Sometimes, we think that our love, dedication and loyalty, will one day make another person realise our value. But that rarely happens. And even if it does, it's their selfishness that made them realise you ARE good for them. That's when they usually get kicked in the teeth by others then they start thinking that you were the best after all. So even then they change, it's only cuz they think it's good for them. Very few people will do it from fear of Allah.


There's also the guilt factor. We may be unhappy, yet we'll be thinking that by ending the marriage we are 'ruining' someone else's life. But the way we have to look at it is that by letting someone go, far from being selfish, we are actually providing them with the chance to find happiness with someone who they'll get on better with. Sometimes, people are just incompatible - moreso with the absence of deen in their lives. I don't know if your husband meant what he said, but either way, in light of the rest of the circumstances, it shouldn't make a difference in you thinking about your own welfare first.



What I want to say is that, everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone has the right to seek happiness. Allah has made marriage a means of tranquility, security and spiritual and physical comfort for both husband and wife.

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them...." Qur'an: Ar-Rum:21


That's how a marriage should be. Not suffering needlessly. I'm not saying we should run for the door at the first sign of trouble. But when there is no cooperation, no understanding, no communication and after passing time, nothing to suggest that things will improve, I think it's time to think about yourself.

Life is beautiful and it is there to be enjoyed. It shouldn't be a burden. Not endlessly anyway. You have a chance to grab the life you want to live happily, feeling safe, secure, loved and wanted. Why waste the most beautiful years of your youth with someone who doesn't care?


For now, if you want, if you have the strength, try a little bit more... wait a bit more if you have to. But please, please, don't keep on fighting if in the depths of your heart you know it'll be in vain. There is nothing more harmful then when we fool ourselves into thinking something can be which can't.


take care dear sis,

I hope you reply soon

luv,

ur sis : )

 

[AnonymousPoster]

dear Muslimah_Sis,
jazakallah again for going to the trouble of finding out the truth and getting it to me... i hope everything is good with your family...

From what I gather, and I may be wrong, a tiny part of you is still hesitant about ending this marriage? The final decision should be yours as only you know how much more you can take. And only you really know what the emotion/reason behind this hesitancy is. It could be a ray of hope/the way your mind was conditioned about striving to sustain a marriage (in adversity)/ the thoughts of your parents having to explain to people why their daughter got divorced, the stigma, or even your own need to exhaust all attempts to change things for the better.

i am just in the thinking stage rite now...but whenever i think it seems that i cannot imagine my life the way it was...at times it seems it wasn't hard but through it all i remember one thing i was lonely the whole time...i couldn't share anything with my husband...it is a huge decision and i do understand that in the end it has to be my own and at the point i am now i feel like i can never go back...my parents don't want me to go back either...coz i know they know that i will be miserable and seeing your child unhappy must be really tough even though i can't imagine what it's like...i guess i just need to think a bit more about it right now but i don't think that i will be able to go back to the same situation again...

First: As you're sure that your husband displays signs of HFA, you must also aware what this means. That is that, autistic people do not understand other people's emotions/way of thinking. They assume that everyone thinks like them. And when they find that they don't, they don't like it and often become angry.
This is a classic example as to why your husband gets angry when you object to him confiding in his mother. He thinks you think the same way and he sees no wrong with what he does, but with you objections. That is because the autistic imagination does not connect with the emotional. However, to say all autistics are the same would be like saying all nonautistic people are the same. There are some very upright, and fair, honest and straightforward people with this condition. Therefore I would say it'd be wrong to assume that every aspect of your husbands behavior is due to to autism. It could simply be traits in his nature.

i feel like he does display those signs but the only problem is that i don't have any proof...though what you're saying makes sense and whatever i read up on autism a whole lot of things made sense and were similar...and yes it could be due to his nature also...

Secondly: let's say, your husband begins therapy. This will not make him nonautistic, but will only teach him to pretend to understand other people's emotions and how to deal with them. He will feel the same inside, but learn not to react negatively. This will be a facade. Like a person wearing a mask to hide their real identity. Even then, there is no short cut to this.
Thirdly: What if despite therapy, there is no change? As like I said before some of what he does may be attributed to his nature?

there can be no question of therapy...i don't think they will agree to it...and it is absolutely right that even if he does go to therapy its not really going to change anything...the only thing is when i look to a future with him and when i think about kids i'm just like handling him and handling kids even normal ones (all that is in Allah's hands) will be extremely tough and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...

Fifthly: Autism is not catagorised as a mental illness but rather
a developmental disorder. What does Islam say about marriage to such persons? Let's see:

i will inshallah be waiting to see if u can find information on that...another thing is that if that is the truth and it was hidden from me then it was a huge deceit on their part...and i don't think i can live with that all my life...even them hiding the facts like how my husband was doing drugs and drinking and smoking made me upset especially when my MIL was laways after me to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't doing nehting...i felt more like an agent than a wife coz she was always teahing me not to trust him but even then i did...i understand her point of view as well as she's watching out for her son but not at the expense of someone else's life..

i also talked to this person who is learned in Islam and he is also a doctor and after i had told him my whole situation he said that the first thing i should do is leave for a while and think about it and also to tell his family to have him psychologically evaluated...

However, for now, firstly, I pray you are well inshaAllah. And secondly sis, sensing your hesitation, to remind you that you have two choices. One is to struggle on and on with no sign/guarantee of betterment in your marriage. And secondly accepting that you cannot do this on your own and to stop thinking that it is your responsibility to solve everyone else's problems, which they don't have any interest in solving themselves

i am masahllah doing well now as i am mentally at peace relatively as i was before...i do feel that it is pointless to struggle on but sometimes i feel that maybe i might be perceiving everything wrong and its supposedly different? but i don't think that is so...my heart is inclined towards leaving...

What I want to say is that, everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone has the right to seek happiness. Allah has made marriage a means of tranquility, security and spiritual and physical comfort for both husband and wife.

i know everyone does deserve to be happy and if ure not happy in ure marriage it becomes a living hell....

For now, if you want, if you have the strength, try a little bit more... wait a bit more if you have to. But please, please, don't keep on fighting if in the depths of your heart you know it'll be in vain. There is nothing more harmful then when we fool ourselves into thinking something can be which can't.

i guess one last try is to have the family talk with each other...like my FIL called yesterday and talked to my cousin and tells him that she stays quiet and does not tell me nething and she had a new friend who turned her against all of us and under her influence she is doing all of this...but then my MIL said the same stuff about my mom and sis too and my family so i can expect that of them...and i just did not say nething to him as i felt that none of them would understand what i was getting at...

otherwise we'll see what life has instore for me and inshallah whatever it is I have total faith in Allah that whatever it will be it will be for my best...

thank you so much again...please remember me in your prayers...
May Allah give you and you family all the happiness and health with Iman in this world and Hereafter...

 

[Snowflake]

dear Muslimah_Sis,
jazakallah again for going to the trouble of finding out the truth and getting it to me... i hope everything is good with your family...

Wa iyya kum. JazakAllah, my family are coping well alhumdulillah.

i am just in the thinking stage rite now...but whenever i think it seems that i cannot imagine my life the way it was...at times it seems it wasn't hard but through it all i remember one thing i was lonely the whole time...i couldn't share anything with my husband...it is a huge decision and i do understand that in the end it has to be my own and at the point i am now i feel like i can never go back...my parents don't want me to go back either...coz i know they know that i will be miserable and seeing your child unhappy must be really tough even though i can't imagine what it's like...i guess i just need to think a bit more about it right now but i don't think that i will be able to go back to the same situation again...

I can imagine how lonely you felt sis. And I am glad you are thinking that you can't spend the rest of your life feeling that way. I've fought my battles in life sis, and one thing that I've learnt is that each time we fight a losing battle, it doesn't harm anyone but ourselves. Whatever our reasons for fighting are, the end result is always that with each battle we lose a bit of our confidence, self-esteem and hope that life can ever bring happiness for us again. The worst thing is when we start believing that happiness evades us because there must be something wrong with us. I have thoughts like that about myself and I don't want you to get to the stage where that's what you start believing. Alhumdulillah, the fact that your parents are on your side, will make it easier for you to come to a decision soon. : )

the only thing is when i look to a future with him and when i think about kids i'm just like handling him and handling kids even normal ones (all that is in Allah's hands) will be extremely tough and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...

I agree sis.

i will inshallah be waiting to see if u can find information on that...

I spoke to the scholar and according to him, your husband's suspected condition doesn't make the nikah invalid, i.e. marriage to such persons is jaiz. But that with any marriage, it should be assessed beforehand if the person is capable of fulfilling his duties as a husband. He also said that although his family hid some facts of his past, again it doesn't make the nikah invalid, although it is not sincere to conceal such things.

i also talked to this person who is learned in Islam and he is also a doctor and after i had told him my whole situation he said that the first thing i should do is leave for a while and think about it and also to tell his family to have him psychologically evaluated...

Like you said, I doubt his family will have him psychologically assessed. But I agree with the doctor.. stay where you are now and inshaAllah your mind will become clearer as to what you want to do next.

i am masahllah doing well now as i am mentally at peace relatively as i was before...i do feel that it is pointless to struggle on but sometimes i feel that maybe i might be perceiving everything wrong and its supposedly different? but i don't think that is so...my heart is inclined towards leaving...

Alhumdulillah, I feel so relieved to hear you're feeling at peace now. : ))
I don't think you're perceiving anything wrongly, e.g. your husband telling his mother intimate/personal things that only concern you both and seeing nothing wrong with it. It is wrong. Don't let your good-nature confuse you into thinking that somehow you are to blame for your husband's faults.

i guess one last try is to have the family talk with each other..

There is nothing to lose in doing that inshaAllah. Would your husband be willing to participate? I don't see any point if he isn't. Make it clear that you don't want to be doing this again & again and that is the time when everyone can have their say, lest it drags on and on. It might be a good idea to have a third party involved who is unbiased in his advice and judgement.

otherwise we'll see what life has instore for me and inshallah whatever it is I have total faith in Allah that whatever it will be it will be for my best..

When it comes to personal fulfilment, life is what we choose it to be. We can carry on bashing our heads against a brick wall, or we can walk away and take another path. Allah subhana wa ta'ala has given us the right and intelligence to decide what is best for us. I strongly believe that the feeling we get in our hearts is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If you're inclined to leave behind this unhappy life, then inshaAllah, Allah's blessings will be with you.

thank you so much again...please remember me in your prayers...
May Allah give you and you family all the happiness and health with Iman in this world and Hereafter...

All praise is to Allah, we only do what Allah puts in our hearts. Of course I shall keep you in my prayers inshaAllah. Ameen to your duaa - thank you.

Hope to hear from you soon inshaAllah. Fi aman Allah hun. : )

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I spoke to the scholar and according to him, your husband's suspected condition doesn't make the nikah invalid, i.e. marriage to such persons is jaiz. But that with any marriage, it should be assessed beforehand if the person is capable of fulfilling his duties as a husband. He also said that although his family hid some facts of his past, again it doesn't make the nikah invalid, although it is not sincere to conceal such things.

if they were not sincere from the beginning its hard to believe that they ever will be...sometimes things can change but hiding such a huge fact and expecting that the other person will just accept it later in life is just unbelievable and it just makes me so upset...i guess the nikah is not invalidated but still it makes me feel so bad that even though i accepted the drug fact but what if him being autistic is true??that will always be in my mind!!

There is nothing to lose in doing that inshaAllah. Would your husband be willing to participate? I don't see any point if he isn't. Make it clear that you don't want to be doing this again & again and that is the time when everyone can have their say, lest it drags on and on. It might be a good idea to have a third party involved who is unbiased in his advice and judgement.

i'm not sure whether he will participate...i have not received any phone calls from him...his father called a couple of times and talked to my cousin and even then he is saying things like she was influenced by some new friends she made...i don't think they'll ever get my point of view!!

When it comes to personal fulfilment, life is what we choose it to be. We can carry on bashing our heads against a brick wall, or we can walk away and take another path. Allah subhana wa ta'ala has given us the right and intelligence to decide what is best for us. I strongly believe that the feeling we get in our hearts is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If you're inclined to leave behind this unhappy life, then inshaAllah, Allah's blessings will be with you.

you're right...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...i don't know maybe its because people around me also tell me it might be tough but in my own heart also i feel that way...but sometimes i'm just not sure...but i do believe that whatever decision i make it will inshallah be for my best...jazakallah and take care...with lots of love and duas

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam/peace ,

...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...

may Allah , the most kind , ever merciful grant what is good for ur this life & the life hereafter , Ameen.

U are in my prayer .

 

[Snowflake]

=Anonymous Tester;713185]

if they were not sincere from the beginning its hard to believe that they ever will be...sometimes things can change but hiding such a huge fact and expecting that the other person will just accept it later in life is just unbelievable and it just makes me so upset...i guess the nikah is not invalidated but still it makes me feel so bad that even though i accepted the drug fact but what if him being autistic is true??that will always be in my mind!!

I think if you did find that they'd lied to you, it would've been easy to forgive them if following that they had been sincere and you'd had a happy marriage otherwise. But the way things have turned out will only magnify the fact that they never were sincere to begin with. And you're right that is not forgettable when nothing good has come out of it.

i'm not sure whether he will participate...i have not received any phone calls from him...his father called a couple of times and talked to my cousin and even then he is saying things like she was influenced by some new friends she made...i don't think they'll ever get my point of view!!

Sadly, I agree. There just seems to be too big a difference in your and their mentality and beliefs. But them saying that your M.I.L was influenced by her new friend is a poor excuse to justify her behavior. After all was she any different before her new friend came along? :-\

you're right...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...i don't know maybe its because people around me also tell me it might be tough but in my own heart also i feel that way...but sometimes i'm just not sure...but i do believe that whatever decision i make it will inshallah be for my best...jazakallah and take care...with lots of love and duas

I don't think the doubts are there cuz people telling you that it'll be tough. Cuz, when we really believe in something, other people's views don't really affect us. I think you know deep down, i.e. it's your gut instinct, that it'll be difficult if not impossible to sustain this marriage.

I remember sis when I was due to get marriage. My hubby-to-be seemed 100% genuine. People were telling me that I was lucky and all that kind of stuff. I could tell they felt envious of the fact that I'd found someone like him. Yet I was scared, nervous and something kept telling me not to marry him. I couldn't pinpoint why, but all my instincts were saying RUN!!!!! I remember a couple of days before the nikah, I rang a friend in tears and told her I was petrified. She told me it was too late to back out now and that it was the shaytaan trying to prevent me from doing a good deed (nikah). Even so I remember being alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out, out of fear that I couldn't explain. It was so strong that I was literally shaking and almost hyperventilating cuz I was crying so hard. Yet despite all that I still went ahead with it. And surprise surprise it turned out to be a huge mistake.

So follow your instincts sis. Astaghfirullah, If I'm wrong but I strongly believe that, that lil voice that warns us from something is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. Listen to it sis.

Please reply soon.. am wondering how you're doing? : )

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Sadly, I agree. There just seems to be too big a difference in your and their mentality and beliefs. But them saying that your M.I.L was influenced by her new friend is a poor excuse to justify her behavior. After all was she any different before her new friend came along?

they meant not my MIL but me...i had made a new friend recently and they feel that she was the one who influenced my decision to do what i did and as she helped me like taking me to the airport and i left alot of stuff with her...my MIL hates my sis and this friend was introduced to me by my sis like i got her number from my sis and she was so nice from the beginning and helped me throughout whenever i needed her help....so they feel that she told me to do what i did or encouraged me to do so...but for some reason i feel like she was also sent to just help me out....my husband and MIL never liked the people i liked...and i knew they would be blaming things on me as they were already doing that from before...

I remember sis when I was due to get marriage. My hubby-to-be seemed 100% genuine. People were telling me that I was lucky and all that kind of stuff. I could tell they felt envious of the fact that I'd found someone like him. Yet I was scared, nervous and something kept telling me not to marry him. I couldn't pinpoint why, but all my instincts were saying RUN!!!!! I remember a couple of days before the nikah, I rang a friend in tears and told her I was petrified. She told me it was too late to back out now and that it was the shaytaan trying to prevent me from doing a good deed (nikah). Even so I remember being alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out, out of fear that I couldn't explain. It was so strong that I was literally shaking and almost hyperventilating cuz I was crying so hard. Yet despite all that I still went ahead with it. And surprise surprise it turned out to be a huge mistake.

i know...i just can't think of going back and i know there will be people who will be telling me otherwise but i just feel better this way and even though life will be tougher this way atleast inshallah i will have mental peace...i will update more soon...otherwise i'm doing ok alhamdolillah...take care...and keep me in your duas...

 

[Snowflake]

Anonymous Tester;714632]

they meant not my MIL but me...i had made a new friend recently and they feel that she was the one who influenced my decision to do what i did and as she helped me like taking me to the airport and i left alot of stuff with her...my MIL hates my sis and this friend was introduced to me by my sis like i got her number from my sis and she was so nice from the beginning and helped me throughout whenever i needed her help....so they feel that she told me to do what i did or encouraged me to do so...but for some reason i feel like she was also sent to just help me out....my husband and MIL never liked the people i liked...and i knew they would be blaming things on me as they were already doing that from before...

Sorry, I misunderstood. It doesn't matter what your M.I.L or husband think anymore. Just keep thinking of yourself inshaAllah.

i know...i just can't think of going back and i know there will be people who will be telling me otherwise but i just feel better this way and even though life will be tougher this way atleast inshallah i will have mental peace...i will update more soon...otherwise i'm doing ok alhamdolillah...take care...and keep me in your duas...

Have faith in Allah and InshaAllah things won't be tough for you sis. Allah subhana wa ta'ala is AL-WALIYY (The Protector) and AL-WAHHÂB (The Bestower). Pray to Him and He will help you in your affairs and make them easy for you. Alhumdulillah, good to hear you're feeling better. Stay strong and focused sis. You'll be in my duaas inshaAllah.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

some new developments occurred...my husband filed a missing person's report saying that i had left without telling him where i was...i had no idea as i had not talked to him for so long...he didn't call and i was not going to call after how he treated me when i left...his dad knew where i was and si did he but he's just lying to make it seem as if he is the good person and is very concerned about my safety...
on top of that he called my cousin and told him that if she doesn't contact me i will contact the police even though he had already done that before and the police told him that from the way you are telling us we know she's not missing...i called the police station up and asked them...actualy just to tell them that i'm not missing and they said that your husband called and this is what he said but we could tell that u were not missing....
on top of that he emailed all my family and friends saying that i had been missing and that he was really concerned for my safety...the ones who knew where i am called me and forwarded me the email and the rest are probably just worried as they are sitting in different parts of the world and are probably calling my parents to find out how i am!!!
hhe kept calling and calling and i finally said ok i will talk to him...when i did...he just said u left without telling me and i was sleeping just come back...i was like listen i'm still not well and i want to stay here for a bit more and think things through and i can't tell u now what i want coz i don't know and he's like tel me tell me....and i was like i can't talk and gave the phone to my cousin...then he was rude to my cousin...then his mom called after a bit and started screaming at my cousin's wife that i'll take u to court etc...she hung up...then she called my aunt...and harassed her...

they're just acting crazy now and trying every way to make me come back...and pressurize me into coming back...but i don't wanna go coz i know now that they are not going to change...plaease pray that Allah give me strength to face whatever comes my way...Ameen!!

 

[Snowflake]

Salam sis,

Sorry for the late reply.. been absent for a few days. But seriously, throughout reading your post, one word kept bouncing round in my head - DIVORCE! These people's behavior is so pathetic and like you said it's unlikely to change. God knows why your MIL threatened your cousin with court, it's not like they kidnapped you for heaven's sake. It just goes to show how illogical their thinking is. I'm glad you didn't go back and I hope you don't even let it enter your mind. Get rid sis and live the life you want. I can't see even one reason to suggest you stay. You need to recuperate mentally and cut off all contact with them. Then make the decision that's best for you (which is obvious) and get the ball rolling to start a new life without grief inshaAllah. I wish you all the best hun. May Allah's help be with you all the way.

 

[Snowflake]

salam sis,

I hope all is well with you inshaAllah. I missing you girl. Please drop a line to say you're ok. :-\

((hugz))

 

[AnonymousPoster]

sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....

 

[lyesh]

I read this thread from the beginning to the end!!! dear sister, I can feel what ur going through! I myself am going thru some problems with my in laws... but Alhamdulillah my husband is always by my side and he is so nice and caring to me.

I can feel ur pain when u feel ur all alone. but sister, Ur not alone... we are all here for u insha Allah. and on top of all Allah is there for u!

from what i have read from this post, I imagined that u are masha Allah being patient with the way ur in laws are treating u... i can imagine tht if it was me, I wud have left the whole place sooner! may Allah reward u for ur patience! ameen!

As my point of view... I would say that the decision u have taken is now the best for u! These people doesnt seem like trying to improve... rather they seem like trying to make the situation worse and tear up ur life! dear sister, I would say that it would be better for u to get a divorce from that man! He seems to be so immature... How will u handle all this if u get kids... Alhamdulillah, maybe Allah is taking u out of this before things get worse .

I hope everything works out for u sister! I can feel ur pain . And I can imagine how lonely u'd feel... khair, insha Allah.

keep us updated sis... we would like to know every single bit of how things are going. and dont say sorry for your long posts... Its good that u tell us all this.. we are worried abt u! and Insha Allah we'll help u as much as we can!

May Allah give u strength in what ur facing, and may He grant u success! ameen!

 

[Snowflake]

sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....

aslamu alaikum dear sis,

Alhumdulillah, I'm so glad to have heard from you. I back your decision all the way hun. Allah knows you tried your best and suffered in the process. But inshaAllah no more. I hope your divorce comes through soon inshaAllah. MashaAllah you are sounding stronger than you've been in ages. I pray to Allah to bless the decision you have taken. And to bestow His mercy, peace and blessing on you, in your new life. Ameen.

I am here for you sis. Take good care of yourself and keep us posted.

Love & hugs

ur sis

 

[Grace Seeker]

sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....

Dear sister,

I am glad to hear that you are alright, at least phyiscally. No doubt this has been and will continue to be an emotionally trying time for you. I had intended to write to you more, but it seemed obvious to me that Muslim Sis was saying the things you needed to hear here.

I also sensed that you had made your decision and just needed time to follow through on it. I see that you are doing that now. I cannot celebrate it; I can never celebrate the end of something that should have been a blessing. But it was not what it was intended to be, and perhaps this is the best resolution one can hope for. I am sorry for you, and for the pain that you are enduring. No doubt, as you continue down your present course there will continue to be some more pain. There will likely be accussations. Some of them may even have a touch of truth to them, and those will sting all the more so. But that doesn't mean that what you are now in the process of is wrong.

You will find yourself in need of much strength for this journey. You will need physical strength because enduring anything can wear on us and mental/emotional stress actually make it hard to stay physically well. So, do take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Get exercise. Spend some time outside each day in the sunshine to fight off depression. Spend some time with your feet up each day to fight off exhaustion. And go for a short walk at least once a day to maintain your energy.

You will need mental toughness and an ability to emotionally rebound. When a marriage fails, one of the first questions people ask is "What went wrong?" Even if you don't hear them uttered to you, you can be sure that there are those asking the question, and there are those trying to provide an answer. Must likely your husband and his family will engage in this sort of activity. And just as you feel like you could point to many things in your relationship with him and his family that were not right, so that will point the finger (no doubt) back at you. I suggest that you don't even allow yourself to get caught up in that game. What will it benefit anyone to even answer that question right now? Will it change things? Will it make life better? No, while that might have been an important question if there had been a commitment to do something about it, the time for addressing that question is past. So, let them say what they wish to say, it means nothing anymore. Not only does it mean nothing to you, it means nothing at all. You don't have to defend yourself from it, you certainly don't have to listen to it, and if you even care about it (one way or the other) you are just hurting yourself. Moving on is moving on. There words should mean no more to you than those of a stranger in the street. If you wear a veil, keep it on even in his presence, for he is not your husband anymore. And you are not to show yourself to him, not physically and not emotionally.

You will need to be healthy spiritually. Of course that means the usual in terms of worship. But it also means finding fellowship with others that you can connect with on a spiritual level. It means finding that which fills you up and then getting yourself filled up in that way. The last thing you want to do duringt a stressful time is run around on empty. So take ever oppotuntiy you can find to fill yourself with that which enriches your spirit.

God be with you.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

i am still staying at my friend's house...my hearing was set for may 24 but it was then postponed for june 5...i was so upset coz i found out just one day before the hearing that it was postponed....but like my friend was telling me that it was probably not the right time and that everything will happen at its own time....so i am still waiting to see what will happen...i am trying to keep myself busy...just keeping my mind off of my problems...please pray for me that everything happens for my best in the future...i am just so thankful for the fact that Allah helped me meet with people who are able and willing to help me out especially with my parents being so far away...for me it is a huge blessing....jazakallah khair...

 

[Snowflake]

InshaAllah everything will be alright sis. Stay close to Allah in His rememberance and He will help you in your affairs. May Allah bless you with much peace, happiness and imaan inshaAllah. Ameen.


P.S. Please forgive me, If I don't reply to any future posts from you sis. I won't be coming on as much. Just take care of yourself inshaAllah. *hugz*