New here...

[Ann]

Im new to the board and new to Islam as well. I converted only a few months ago and though Im sure its the best thing I could do Im finding it difficult to maintain my faith. You see I was married...well, I mean I am married to a muslim man who I love so very much but Im afraid he no longer loves me. He helped me to learn about Islam and taught me many things, for which I am grateful, but do to some mistakes I made, and my not always respecting him as I should have, our marriage has suffered. Now he has decided he wants a divorce. We were living together in a muslim country but because of our problems I have returned to my home country, which unfortuneately is not muslim. I have no muslim friends here and now more than ever, Im feeling very alone, very lost and very depressed.

Last friday was a paticularly bad day. I went to a local mosque hoping to find any sisters to talk to but there were none to be found, and the brothers did not seem at all interested in helping me so I turned around and left.....(in tears). I miss my husband, I dont want to be divorced! I miss being in a muslim country, I dont know how Im gonna make it here especially without him.

I welcome any advice, and your prayers would be appreciated.
Thank you.

 

[~*miz*kurdiya*~]

aww hun go back to ur husband!!! seriously just talk to him!! no doubt he loves you too... and couples have ups and downs all the time!! theres been plenty of times where i can recall my parents having big arguement and a couple of times that they have seperated but alhumdulilah they stand strong now... sometimes things get really bad before they can get good again but have faith in Allah...
please sister go back to ur husband and try and make things work... start slowly...maybe just go over there even if you have to stay with friends or even in a hotel back in the muslim country so that u and ur husband can meet up and talk bout things... and inshallah you'll find things getting better...
you need to be around practising muslims so that they can advise you and help you deal with things in the islamic way...
you know respecting ur husband is very important in islam the same way as its important for him to respect you as his wife... but u seem to know that its due to the lack of respect you had for him that fights started out...
pls pls pls go back and try make things work... take it one step at a time and talk to him bout how u feel and let him know you love him and let him know you realise where you went wrong... marriage is so special dont give up on it too soon...
im sorry to hear that in the country ur at now theres not a strong sisterhood that you can turn to but Allah is the greatest and to turn to Him is more greater than anyone esle... He is closer to you than ur arteries and He will understand you better than anyone you try to explain the situation to... make a lot of dua...maybe this is a test for you to turn to ur Lord for guidance and comfort for Allah love His slaves that turn to Him...
inshAllah it works out for u sis... let us know if there's anything else u need help with

 

[Daffodil]

Asalamulaikum

If he hasnt divorced u as yet contact him through whichever way u normaly communicate n tell him how u feel n how sorry u are etc etc. He needs to know how u feel, inshallah then u can go back to that country n be back together.

 

[glo]

Dear Ann

That's a horrible situation you are in!
Can I ask how long you have been married, and how long you lived abroad?

Do you have friends and/ or family where you are now?
Or are you in a place full of strangers?

Contrary to the other advice given here, I would not rush back to your husband straight away. By all means communicate with him and stay in touch!
But, since you have given yourself some space and time, I suggest you use it for prayer, reflection and for finding out how you really feel right now!

I have spoken to other people (non-Muslims) who lived in the middle east for many years and found the switch back to Britain very hard because of the cultural differences!
Don't think of you stay in the non-Muslim country (wherever that might be) as permanent. Nothing will stop you from moving back to where you came from - once you are clear about your position, your feelings and your future plans.

But it seems that your own feelings are only a small part of this problem. Your husband's feelings seem to be the greater difficulty.
Is he determined to end your marriage?
You seem to feel that the break-down is your fault. Is that really the case?

I am probably not helping much. :-\
You are in my thoughts, and if you like I will pray for you!
I hope you will find God, his peace and his will in this situation somehow!

May God bless you!

 

[limitless]

Salaam,
I am so sorry to hear that. I mean, I know someone who has been in that kind of situation, the couple had given time to each other and then talked things over and got it straight . But it is then depended on your husband's feelings and what he actually wants. You know you are sorry for your mistake, but does he have to push it this far? I mean if i were in his situation I'd call back and accept your apology and well get over this issue! This is the time you should take to think things thoroughly, not emotionally. Think that, does your husband actually loves you and etc... . Pray to Allah, ask for his guidance and mercy, and inshallah you will recieve it soon. For now just pray and read Qu'ran that will help you. Try to think logically. I will pray for you sister. IF you have more concerns or questions, just ask any of us, we will glady help you out.

 

[F.Y.]

Sister, it must be so tough for you.
I am sad that people at the mosque did not help you. Could you maybe get in contact with the Imaam of the mosque? If you find him and explain - he will be able to give you good advice, inshallah. Also, maybe you can talk to the Imaam's wife and become friends with her.
It must be very lonely and it must feel like nobody cares. Please do not give up hope and keep in touch with your husband - keep it simple. Don't rush into anything, take it slowly.
If you need any more help, I am sure the members of this forum can help you too, inshallah.

Peace

 

[Ann]

Thank you all for your messages, I appreiciate it so much. Im doing my best to get thru the days. I just keep praying to Allah for guidance, patience and strength. I havnt talked to my husband in a few days now....and honestly, I'm not sure I want to. Some of you said I should go back to him right away and believe me I wanted that, but he had already made it clear he didnt want me there. I tried to call him a fewtimes but he didnt want to speak to me. I sent email... sometimes he replied quickly, sometimes not at all.

Before today I didnt really know what he wanted, sometimes I got the feeling he didnt even know himself. Sometimes hes was nice and sounded to me as if he wanted to work things out but other times he was just angry and said he never wants to see me again. But now......... the last few messages I got from him were particularly hurtful. For example, he made a point of reminding me of a lady in his home town that wanted to marry him before I came along. He told me about her along time ago but never seemed very intrested in her. Now however he says he wants to forget me and go to this lady, and that hes sure she would know how to respect him and that surley she is better woman than me and would be a better wife since she has been muslim all her life. Wow, I was speechless....... how can I even respond to that? And how can someone who was supposed to love me forever, now be so hateful? From there his words only got worse, if you can imagine that. And truthfully I dont know if he really means the hateful things he says or if he just wanted to hurt me, but if breaking my heart was the intended goal,....I'm sad to say, it worked.

I read once that during our times of trouble we should just say alhumdulilah and be sure that our God never gives us more than we can handle, and that we will be rewarded for our continued strength and faith. I certainly hope thats true. And thankfully, for the moment at least, my faith endures...though its not easy. Insha' Allah I will get thru this, and maybe, just maybe, someday soon I'll even be able to get thru one whole day without crying.....Insha' Allah.

 

[glo]

It's good to see your post. I'm glad you came back, Ann. :thankyou:

Now however he says he wants to forget me and go to this lady, and that hes sure she would know how to respect him and that surley she is better woman than me and would be a better wife since she has been muslim all her life. Wow, I was speechless....... how can I even respond to that? And how can someone who was supposed to love me forever, now be so hateful? From there his words only got worse, if you can imagine that. And truthfully I dont know if he really means the hateful things he says or if he just wanted to hurt me, but if breaking my heart was the intended goal,....I'm sad to say, it worked.

I'm so sad for you!
Sometimes people say the most hurtful and terrible things, when they feel hurt or angry themselves. That's no excuse for your husband, but then he is only human himself! Perhaps he needs time to find our for himself what his feelings really are.
And you need to decide for yourself how much forgiveness you can humanly find within yourself.

Have you been able to meet up with old friends or make new friends where you are at the moment?

I read once that during our times of trouble we should just say alhumdulilah and be sure that our God never gives us more than we can handle, and that we will be rewarded for our continued strength and faith. I certainly hope thats true. And thankfully, for the moment at least, my faith endures...though its not easy. Insha' Allah I will get thru this, and maybe, just maybe, someday soon I'll even be able to get thru one whole day without crying.....Insha' Allah.

Christians believe the same thing.
It can actually be very empowering.
At times, when I have felt rock-bottom, that thought has really helped me: If God doesn't burden me with more than I can handle, then he knows that I am strong enough to get through this!

I pray for peace and strength for you, to get through this situation.

Blessings.

 

[Daffodil]

Asalamulaikum sis

Firstly, Glo, I love ur posts, ur so lovely.

Sister, to me it sounds like as if ur husband is confused and is purposely trying to hurt u.

Dnt forget that Allah swt tests those whom he loves. n he loves u n yes say Alhumdulillah and Allah swt will grant u more then u desire.

Im glad to hear that ur faith is getting stronger. I pray Allah swt gives u the strength and patience to deal with this. Ameen, Wateva is written in ur fate only Allah swt knows. Only he knows what will come of this, in the meantime just be patient n try n put ur self with other gud decent practicing Muslims so that Inshallah they may be able to help u n support u n be there for u.

Its not easy hearing ur husband say such things but try n remember that Allah swt will reward u for everysingle tear and all the hurt n the pain if u bare it with patience.

Love u lots sis for the sake n pleasure of Allah swt.

We are all here for u.

xxx

 

[F.Y.]

Thank you all for your messages, I appreiciate it so much. Im doing my best to get thru the days. I just keep praying to Allah for guidance, patience and strength.

Dear Ann,
Its good to hear from you again. You must also remember to make dua to Allah to make things easy for you.

I havnt talked to my husband in a few days now....and honestly, I'm not sure I want to. Some of you said I should go back to him right away and believe me I wanted that, but he had already made it clear he didnt want me there. I tried to call him a fewtimes but he didnt want to speak to me. I sent email... sometimes he replied quickly, sometimes not at all.

If you feel you have done enough and he simply will not respond, then maybe you should just leave him be for a while. I am sure that when he is ready or he has some news - he will contact you. You have done and honourable and sensible thing by doing everything you can to keep in touch with him to show you are willing to work hard to make this marriage work - now it is up to him to respond in a like manner. There is no point if he is not going to do his share to make this marriage work. A marriage involves two people, not one. We cant force him either - let him decide and then let him get back to you.

Now however he says he wants to forget me and go to this lady, and that hes sure she would know how to respect him and that surley she is better woman than me and would be a better wife since she has been muslim all her life. Wow, I was speechless....... how can I even respond to that? And how can someone who was supposed to love me forever, now be so hateful? From there his words only got worse, if you can imagine that. And truthfully I dont know if he really means the hateful things he says or if he just wanted to hurt me, but if breaking my heart was the intended goal,....I'm sad to say, it worked.

Let's see what he decides. Give him time to think. I am so sorry for all the hurt you must be going through - I cant even fully imagine. It was rude of him to hurt your feelings by saying the other lady is better because she was bron muslim - nobody knows this. Only Allah knows who is better in faith. It must be heartbreaking to hear these things but remember - you are a strong person. Allah wouldnt do this to you unless he knew you would come out a winner - you will get reward for this in the hereafter if not in this life. And what better reward is there than success in the hereafter and pleasing your Creator? Tell yourself you are a stronf woman. You are here on Earth to please Allah and fulfil peoples' rights. To keep your mind busy and to stop thinking about this (it must be torturous) find a hobby you enjoy. Like knitting or reading or a sport. Try to perfect your daily prayers and increase the acts of worship you do, even if it just reading one line of Quran before you go to bed at night. Maybe you can donate a little bit to charity - whatever you can afford. It will be very fulfilling for you to know that your little bit is helping countless souls out there who are desperate for help too. Yusuf Islam (aka Cat Stevens) has a nice charity - maybe you could visit his site.

Insha' Allah I will get thru this, and maybe, just maybe, someday soon I'll even be able to get thru one whole day without crying.....Insha' Allah.

Its not bad to cry sister. It might be good to let it all out. But make sure you dont fall into a depressive phase of crying and crying. You are worth more than that and there are people out there who love you and people who need your help too. There are people who look up to you and admire you courage to practice your faith. And most importantly, Allah loves you and know, deep down, that He is planning something wonderful for you, inshallah, Ameen. When you're down - theres only one way to go and that is up. Its only a matter of time before there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep the faith. Make dua - rely on Allah to get you through this.

Peace to you dear sister. You will be in my prayers, inshallah.

 

[snakelegs]

Thank you all for your messages, I appreiciate it so much. Im doing my best to get thru the days. I just keep praying to Allah for guidance, patience and strength. I havnt talked to my husband in a few days now....and honestly, I'm not sure I want to. Some of you said I should go back to him right away and believe me I wanted that, but he had already made it clear he didnt want me there. I tried to call him a fewtimes but he didnt want to speak to me. I sent email... sometimes he replied quickly, sometimes not at all.

Before today I didnt really know what he wanted, sometimes I got the feeling he didnt even know himself. Sometimes hes was nice and sounded to me as if he wanted to work things out but other times he was just angry and said he never wants to see me again. But now......... the last few messages I got from him were particularly hurtful. For example, he made a point of reminding me of a lady in his home town that wanted to marry him before I came along. He told me about her along time ago but never seemed very intrested in her. Now however he says he wants to forget me and go to this lady, and that hes sure she would know how to respect him and that surley she is better woman than me and would be a better wife since she has been muslim all her life. Wow, I was speechless....... how can I even respond to that? And how can someone who was supposed to love me forever, now be so hateful? From there his words only got worse, if you can imagine that. And truthfully I dont know if he really means the hateful things he says or if he just wanted to hurt me, but if breaking my heart was the intended goal,....I'm sad to say, it worked.

I read once that during our times of trouble we should just say alhumdulilah and be sure that our God never gives us more than we can handle, and that we will be rewarded for our continued strength and faith. I certainly hope thats true. And thankfully, for the moment at least, my faith endures...though its not easy. Insha' Allah I will get thru this, and maybe, just maybe, someday soon I'll even be able to get thru one whole day without crying.....Insha' Allah.

i think you shouldn't go back to him. here you've only been married a short time and he's already made it quite clear that he doesn't care about you. i hope you find someone who deserves your love - this guy doesn't.

 

[limitless]

I have to agree with the brothers post, he clearly doesn't deserve you at all. I mean you are now in a different country and yet he is still hurting you, that's just not right, not cool, not at all a muslim thing to do, especially to a wonderful wife, you. You deserve someone who appericates you, your faith in Allah, I am just simply amazed even at these tough and struggling times you are holding on to the rope and calling for Allah swt's help and inshallah it will come to you, you just have to be paitence. You certainly will be rewarded not in this world, but in the hereafter. I am so impressed, you weren't born as a muslim sister, you reverted to Allah then married a muslim brother and enduring this inbearable pain, and going through such a horrific time yet you're faith in Allah is very strong, and praying to him , asking for his guidance, just unbelievable. You are an insipration to me, I was born into a muslim family, yet i have done nothing but sin and had little faith in Allah, but I am getting better (inshallah) i will become more like you, just pray and have faith in Allah. Truly you are strong sister, may Allah protect you from haraam doings, inshallah everything will work out for you, I will pray for you and ask Allah to guide you and give you more strength to get through this difficult time.

 

[Ann]

Again thank you all for your kind words....

Another day has passed with no communication from my husband. I thought of calling him but decided against it. As F.Y. said maybe its best to leave him alone for awhile. I have a job here and Im working alot...that helps to pass the time and keep my mind occupied.

To Glo...in answer to your question about friends..I dont really have any here. The friends I had before I left this country and became muslim are not exactly the crowd I want to fall back in with and Ive not met any sisters here...so in that respect Im pretty much on my own. There is one very nice sister overseas who was a good friend to me when I was there, I miss her so much but talking to her gets expensive as she does not use the internet.

I do have family of course but they are not muslim either and honestly were not fond of the idea of me being married to a muslim arabic man to begin with, so though they do try to help they dont completely understand and sometimes I get the feeling they just want to say "told ya so!"...though thankfully to this point theyve restrained themselves.

Anyway, for now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Thanks again everyone

 

[glo]

Anyway, for now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

I guess that's the only way forward, Ann.
Hang in there, and keep walking ...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace.

 

[DigitalStorm82]

Asalamu Alaikum Sister

It is a sad situation that you are in right now... I pray that you find peace soon.

No matter what the outcome of the marriage is... I want you to know that you have attained the ultimate goal, Inshallah. Paradise

Smile for that!

We are all with you sis, don't feel you're alone in this... your pain is our pain.

W'salaamz,
Hamid

 

[ss25]

Again thank you all for your kind words....

Another day has passed with no communication from my husband. I thought of calling him but decided against it. As F.Y. said maybe its best to leave him alone for awhile. I have a job here and Im working alot...that helps to pass the time and keep my mind occupied.

To Glo...in answer to your question about friends..I dont really have any here. The friends I had before I left this country and became muslim are not exactly the crowd I want to fall back in with and Ive not met any sisters here...so in that respect Im pretty much on my own. There is one very nice sister overseas who was a good friend to me when I was there, I miss her so much but talking to her gets expensive as she does not use the internet.

I do have family of course but they are not muslim either and honestly were not fond of the idea of me being married to a muslim arabic man to begin with, so though they do try to help they dont completely understand and sometimes I get the feeling they just want to say "told ya so!"...though thankfully to this point theyve restrained themselves.

Anyway, for now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Thanks again everyone

Ann i am really sorry that you are going through this and you are displayin much strength in trying to overcome it (and remember all strength comes from Allah so He is helping you) Earlier you said he blames you for your past mistakes. Are these mistakes youve made before you reverted or after? your husband married you when you werent Muslim and all your sins(mistakes) committed then are washed away when you revert. If Allah can forgive them then surely your husband should be capable of doing so.

Marriages breaking is not a nice thing but sometimes these things happen, but they dont happen because of one persons failure in the marriage. It takes 2 people to start a fight and since it takes 2 people to MAKE a marriage it doesnt break because of one person only. Im sure there are cases when it does so forgive me if i seem to be generalising and moving off topic. from what you say of the way your husband treats you now and the way he let you go i doubt yr marraige "breaking" is jus because of you.

*sigh* i dont kno what to say or if what i have said even helps its jus that i dont think u shud b blaming yourself. when you pray remember to pray for Allah to make it easy for you. I really do hope everything works out for u and u make Muslim friends.

please forgive me if ive said anything harsh.

\/

 

[~*miz*kurdiya*~]

why didnt you call ur husband?? for goodness sake pls dont do the playing hard to get thing... sure he needs time to cool down and that but how long does he want? maybe he's waiting for you to call to see ur ur ready to try again.... btw by muslim country do u mean an arab country? im sorry if this causes offense to anyone but if ur husband is an arab its usual for them to be very proud and never want to admit their wrong and sometimes can be very arrogant... but i guess u gota love them for it... at the end of the day its ur husband not a complete stranger and subhanallah who knows u staying here longer and longer maybe bad for you due to the lack of islamic influence around you... im not saying u'll do anytihng unislamic but it could just make u fall into depression and despair and u wont have the comfort of ur husband or islamic sisters...
do you not want to know if he's ok? god forbid if something happened to him you wont know.. then how would you feel? you say you love him then show him you do... it doesnt mean running after him and degrading urself but being a strong muslimah and letting him know ur there for him that you love him and you want to try again... just dont sound to needy so that he doesnt think its just the emotions talking but realsies its something uve thought through islamically...
aaa woman just pick up the fone even if its a one minuet conversation just say salaam how u doing? just called to see if ur ok...you are? thats great alhumdulilah... ma'salaama bye....
no doubt he'll stop you putting the phone down and asking how u are.. if u'll be coming home or how he feels bout whats happened.. and then Bam conversation goes on and you explain to him u realised u dsirespecting him was wrong and so on and work things out... he may not say get the first plane back but at least its a start....

 

[ss25]

I tried to call him a fewtimes but he didnt want to speak to me. I sent email... sometimes he replied quickly, sometimes not at all.

Before today I didnt really know what he wanted, sometimes I got the feeling he didnt even know himself. Sometimes hes was nice and sounded to me as if he wanted to work things out but other times he was just angry and said he never wants to see me again. But now......... the last few messages I got from him were particularly hurtful.

~*miz*kurdiya*~ are u not readin wat ann writes....? she has called and he refuses to speak wif her and his emails have been hurtful... Ann the steps you take are definately yours to take.. take them by asking for Allahs guidance.. the advice you receive here is going to be very conflicting and in cases of marriage the decisions are best left up to the people involved.

please disregard anything i might have said or take them only as opinions of someone who only "knows" a minute percentage of your predicament.. again my apologies that you are in a tough position but my duas are with you Insha - Allah

 

[Ann]

Thanks ss25 and to everyone for your prayers and kind words. It really helps to know I can come here and vent...especially at times like right this minute when its 5am and even if I had a muslim sister close by I wouldnt dare pick up the phone and disturb her. As to miz kurdiya.. your strait forwardness made me smile but be sure Im not playing hard to get..that is the least of my intentions. I didnt call him that day just because I wanted to give him time to think and pray and be sure what he wants. I have called him since and asked how he is....hes very short with me and just wants to get off the phone. I continue to hope his heart will soften toward me but if not... I hope he will be happy in the decision hes made. As for me, I'll no doubt be sad for a while maybe a very long while....but Digitalstorm made a good point. No matter what the outcome of the marriage, there is a great goal ...insha Allah he and I both will obtain it.

Take care everyone

 

[Ann]

there is a great goal ...insha Allah he and I both will obtain it.

Take care everyone

oops...I meant to say GREATER goal... but Im sure you get the picture.:statisfie