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[glo]

Thanks ss25 and to everyone for your prayers and kind words. It really helps to know I can come here and vent...especially at times like right this minute when its 5am and even if I had a muslim sister close by I wouldnt dare pick up the phone and disturb her.

Good thing there is such a time difference between you and most of us, then.
I find that across the world there is always somebody on the internet somewhere!

No matter what the outcome of the marriage, there is a great goal ...insha Allah he and I both will obtain it.
Take care everyone

Keep walking with God.
And keep visiting us here to share how you are doing.

Blessings, sister.:thankyou:

 

[limitless]

Ann, I am like not very good at advicing people, and myself I am so unsure about marriage, I mean lol, I am just afraid that I might hurt my future wife, similar to your case, I don't want to do that. To be honest, I am not even sure about anything , I just left it to Allah swt, if he wants me to get married then I shall, I won't deny it . I have a one question for you, at what age did you get married, and why? Like What made you choose a muslim brother over any other american individual who is not muslim. I mean look at the media, how it is portraying muslims. I am very interested to know, but if you don't want to share then it is fine .

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

subhanAllah! Such a situation. I think right now you need the comfort of ur dear close ones (family). Have beautiful patience as its loved by Allah and inshaAllah (by Allahs will) you will be wiv ur husband OR something better will happen becoz if i've learned anythin its that Allah ALWAYS gives sumthin BETTER then wat u lost IF u sincerely pray 2 him!

dont wry, Iman (faith) is da way out and feel content that u hav Allah... wat more do u need. Say Alhamdullilah (praise b 2 Allah 4 all i hav).

Remember Prophet Yaqub AS who lost all 14 children, his wives, his mansion, HIS HEALTH and yet he praised Allah!!! SubhanAllah!


Sis i hope everythin turns out betta 4 u! hope ma words helped inshaAllah!!

 

[Ann]

I have a one question for you, at what age did you get married, and why? Like What made you choose a muslim brother over any other american individual who is not muslim. I mean look at the media, how it is portraying muslims. I am very interested to know, but if you don't want to share then it is fine .

These are interesing questions you bring up Limitless and I dont mind answering them for you. Firstly I got married because for no reason I can truly explain it has simply been a desire of mine to be a wife and a mother from the time I was a young girl. And the fact is I believe marrying a muslim man was just meant for me. Believe it or not when I was young I used to dream that I was married and wearing hijab. ( A strange dream for a christian girl who didnt even know the word hijab til 20 yrs later and who at the time had never met a muslim ) And you are right the media does portray muslims in a bad light but it is in part thanks to their portrayal that I learned the truth. Keep in mind I was chrisitian myself...but some things the church taught just never made much sense to me. So I remember spending alot of time researching the Christian religion in search of answers. Then 9/11 happened and the war started and in the news it seemed every day was a new story about islamic terrorist. So I began to research Islam.... I began to try to understand why "these people" hate us so much.

In the end, there is still much about the "terrorists" I didnt understand but what I did learn was the true meaning of Islam and that being muslim is not synonymous with being evil. I began to understand that though my christian teachers were well intentioned they were a bit misguided and I began to pray for them and for myself. I chose a muslim brother as a husband because I wanted someone as a life parther who would help me to become a better person, a better muslim...I wanted someone who understands the teachings of our profit better than I do and who would share that knowledge with me and help me. I didnt know any american man who could do that and certainly no man who not muslim could do that.

As to my husband...he is a good man, he and are having a hard time right now. Maybe we will fix it and maybe not but I am sure he is a good man. Maybe we are just not good together... and maybe it is difficult for him because I am difficult sometimes. You must remember my life before Islam was very different and it is not easy to change 30 years of misguided teachings in my head. So there are times when I "lapse" for lack of a better word. Times when I become a bit rebellious and I dont want to listen to what he says. When that happens he thinks I dont respect him, when to me its just that sometimes I feel he forgets Im his wife not his child and though I need his help I dont want a dictator for a husband. Im sure we just need a better way to communicate but at the moment hes grown tired of trying. So as brother Abd"Majid said I must be patient.

Anyway as I said... my husband is a good man and In my heart I am sure he is better than the men I see around here. I see the way the look at and treat women. I hear how they talk about women and how they talk about "partying" and drinking. It makes me sad that to so many american men this is a way of life. Dont get me wrong though, Im sure there are christian men who are true to the teachings of the bible and who treat women well and who dont sleep around and dont drink. But sadly those kind of christian men are few and far between. For me though when I see the vast majority, when I hear them speak, it just makes me all the more certain that I will have a muslim man as a husband or no husband at all.

Truly I hope to fix things with my husband, I dont want any other man, I am happy with the one Allah gave me, even when things are difficult. But only Allah knows if it is best for us.... so I will continue to pray and I leave it in his hands.

 

[glo]

Hi Ann

It's very humbling to read your story. Thanks for sharing it.

Some of the things you say about having times of rebelliousness strike a chord with me. :giggling:
For me questioning, asking and doubting are part of my walk with life. It doesn't make for an easy walk, but it is part of me.
Perhaps it is part of you too ... especially if you are having to shed old hurts and bad experiences with your previous religion along the way ...

I strongly believe that God knows and understands those periods in our lives. He knows the struggles in our hearts and minds, and he will guide us through!

The problem is, husbands (and all humans) are less insightful and forgiving than God. So when your husband sees you 'rebel' against him, he will find it much harder to understand.

Have you tried visiting your local mosque again? How many Muslims live in your area?
Try not to isolate yourself. Seek like-minded people, if you can.

I will keep praying for you and your situation.

Peace.

 

[Tania]

If do you want to be back with him, you have to change your attitude. Men can't change because by definition they are perfect, so you have to change. If that woman is only an excuse, based on what you said i can drow two conclusions:
1. somewhere during the marriage, you made him to feel he is less than you, like he would be not good enough for you. A man always remind about other women, when he wants to point out: look are others how are appreciating me, i am good, i am not a "someone"
2.he is hurt. Man are not reacting very well when they are hurt. if a woman has a headache thats it; for them its the end of the world and at least 12 hours you need to find the right treatment for his pain.But the whole good thing is exactly this feeling: hurt. It means he still has a feeling for you. The worst would have been to be polite and just say very calm: you are history, move on.
Action:
1. You need a spy.Someone close enough to can find out exactly what he cooks. I am telling that because many times we are analysing everything but often this"i have someone else" its the 100% true. And if thats the case, you have no option. Someone said: its true love when you are strong enough to give to your half the freedom to do what wants, even that means to loose him/her.
If this "i have someone else" its false, than you need to re-analyse every move what you have made and its the time for a big change:
1. you need to become one of the muslim women from there. that Means you need to study their behaviour: for example, in saudi, its common the wife to make to the hubby gifts. Everything what they are usualy doing. I think your working attitude its not good either, its like you are pointing out he hasn't enough money to keep you.
2.to make peace you need to remind him about the good moments spent in two, write about them more than to write about what happened lately. Also, you could ask him about his daily life, like i went today in park and i saw x what remind me about how did we.... In every word what you are writing he needs to see he is the master of the house and you are the lost cat from it.

 

[Ann]

If do you want to be back with him, you have to change your attitude. Men can't change because by definition they are perfect, so you have to change. If that woman is only an excuse, based on what you said i can drow two conclusions:
1. somewhere during the marriage, you made him to feel he is less than you, like he would be not good enough for you. A man always remind about other women, when he wants to point out: look are others how are appreciating me, i am good, i am not a "someone"
2.he is hurt. Man are not reacting very well when they are hurt. if a woman has a headache thats it; for them its the end of the world and at least 12 hours you need to find the right treatment for his pain.But the whole good thing is exactly this feeling: hurt. It means he still has a feeling for you. The worst would have been to be polite and just say very calm: you are history, move on.
Action:
1. You need a spy.Someone close enough to can find out exactly what he cooks. I am telling that because many times we are analysing everything but often this"i have someone else" its the 100% true. And if thats the case, you have no option. Someone said: its true love when you are strong enough to give to your half the freedom to do what wants, even that means to loose him/her.
If this "i have someone else" its false, than you need to re-analyse every move what you have made and its the time for a big change:
1. you need to become one of the muslim women from there. that Means you need to study their behaviour: for example, in saudi, its common the wife to make to the hubby gifts. Everything what they are usualy doing. I think your working attitude its not good either, its like you are pointing out he hasn't enough money to keep you.
2.to make peace you need to remind him about the good moments spent in two, write about them more than to write about what happened lately. Also, you could ask him about his daily life, like i went today in park and i saw x what remind me about how did we.... In every word what you are writing he needs to see he is the master of the house and you are the lost cat from it.

Mara Im not sure im understanding all your post, but if you are trying to imply that the fault in this is mine, then I think youve missed the points where Ive already accepted my part of the blame in this matter. And the one thing you said that you are outright wrong about is my "working attitude" saying "its like im pointing out he didnt have enough money to keep me"... if thats what you think then you need to go back and reread my post. I mentioned that I was working alot to help occupy my mind, in other words to keep me busy and to keep me from worrying too much. I never once mentioned money or implied he was in inadequate in that respect.

Anyway thanks for your imput.

 

[Ann]

Hi Ann

I strongly believe that God knows and understands those periods in our lives. He knows the struggles in our hearts and minds, and he will guide us through!

Peace.

Thank you glo, I enjoy your posts so much they always make me smile and give me alittle lift.

God bless you.
Take care

 

[Tania]

Im not sure im understanding all your post, but if you are trying to imply that the fault in this is mine, then I think youve missed the points where Ive already accepted my part of the blame in this matter.

Arab men are never wrong. Even when its obvious they are wrong they accused the jinns for that. They are not doing mistakes, they can't admit it. I never wanted to imply the fault its yours or his , what i wanted to say if you want to save your marriage , you should give up to see the justice or true in his actions.


. I mentioned that I was working alot to help occupy my mind, in other words to keep me busy and to keep me from worrying too much. I never once mentioned money or implied he was in inadequate in that respect.
Usually men like to see the women crying; he will find out you are working .Did you ever thought, from distance he could understand wrong your attitude?

 

[limitless]

Ann, Subnallah. You just left me speechless. I mean just speechless. I can't think of anything to write, just impressed. I wish some muslim bros and sisters that I know in my area can a learn or thing from you, maybe I can as well :giggling: as a muslim I ashamed of myself I too was going into that path of evilness, but Allah had shown me the light before I was about to make ANOTHER wrong move in my life. I am so proud of you, and I will pray for you and Allah will reward you for this pain, he certainly will. "Theres patience in believers of Allah, but they know there is no darkness within his patience" my mom told me that i just translated to english. You are correct it is all christians I am sure of it, in my area and muslim brothers and sisters as well, into the partys, bf/gf, and you know the usual western and now becoming eastern life style, urban life style. I am gald to hear that you only prefer muslim, well you can only go for muslim brother which is stated in qu'ran :statisfie . I am very confident that your husband is not like any other muslim men, I pray everything will workout between you two. Ann, I want you to be stay strong, Allah knows how much you are suffering, how much you want this to be over, but he is testing and giving you this much pain because he Allah swt knows that you can bear this and get through it without any other issues. You are very a strong muslim sister that I have ever met. Sisters like you keep me motivating in my Islamic studies, keep me coming closer to Allah and last prohpets teachings and applying them to my daily live. You are just too AMAZING , WONDERFUL, and insipration to young muslim brothers, like me . You just pray to Allah, read Qu'ran and don't let the Shaiyteen get to you, believe me that is very HARD to do, but if a very sinful individual like me can over come that, you can easily over come that without any hassile. Remeber Allah knows everything he is watching you, and understands your pain, just have patience and Allah swt will reward you.
May Sllah give you more strength, patience, and keep you strong this difficult time, Ameen.

 

[glo]

Thank you glo, I enjoy your posts so much they always make me smile and give me alittle lift.

God bless you.
Take care

Thank you, Ann. I'll have to keep posting to you then ... :giggling:

Actually, I feel quite strongly that you are out there, a long way away, having a tough time, needing friends. There are friends here, and despite the physical distance between us, the internet brings us all closer together.
I would like to keep in touch, knowing how things are going for you.

Stay strong, sister ... it's what us women are good at! :statisfie

 

[Ann]

(SIGH) ...I am very sad today... again.... It seems things with my husband are not going to get any better. Ive tried to talk to him again and again but still I just get hateful words from him. I try to use nice words and say to him things from the quran and I tell him Im praying for him, but still hes just mean and hurtful. I cant keep putting myself through this, its making me crazy and so depressed. I never did find anyone here but I read many things from many islamic websites and I tried to tell him some of the things they said ...he told me he doesnt care what other ppl say. And he told me not to talk to him about Allah. He said something that made me very sad for him.. he said .. "If Allah will take you to heaven then I hope to go to hell, because I dont want to be anywhere you are"... I cant believe he said that. The man I married loved Allah, how can he say he doesnt want to go to heaven?

I married a man who I thought would teach me about islam and about being muslim but now I feel he is moving farther and farther away from Allah and away from the teachings of the prophet. I am so sad for him. My marriage may not survive all this, and I may hate being without him, but I dont want anything bad to happen to him and I certainly dont want him in hell. Allah pls help him! Amen.

 

[Tania]

Tell him straight: you are my life , i can't accept don't see you, don't be with you. I want to come back. Let me, please. Since i moved out my entire life its a living hell and i need your suport, your help. See what happen if you want to come back to him, live close to him.Even if he are so angry, he is still a man.


I forgot to tell you, never mention to him you are asking for advices. Men prefers to keep the things what are happening between you two, to remain there, don't share with other people.

 

[glo]

(SIGH) ...I am very sad today... again.... It seems things with my husband are not going to get any better. Ive tried to talk to him again and again but still I just get hateful words from him. I try to use nice words and say to him things from the quran and I tell him Im praying for him, but still hes just mean and hurtful. I cant keep putting myself through this, its making me crazy and so depressed. I never did find anyone here but I read many things from many islamic websites and I tried to tell him some of the things they said ...he told me he doesnt care what other ppl say. And he told me not to talk to him about Allah. He said something that made me very sad for him.. he said .. "If Allah will take you to heaven then I hope to go to hell, because I dont want to be anywhere you are"... I cant believe he said that. The man I married loved Allah, how can he say he doesnt want to go to heaven?

I married a man who I thought would teach me about islam and about being muslim but now I feel he is moving farther and farther away from Allah and away from the teachings of the prophet. I am so sad for him. My marriage may not survive all this, and I may hate being without him, but I dont want anything bad to happen to him and I certainly dont want him in hell. Allah pls help him! Amen.

Hi Ann

Do you think your husband really means these things?
You have known him for some time (I don't know how long, exactly). Is he prone to harbouring anger and resentment like this? Or does this seem unusual for him?

I have to be really honest with you.
I seem to remember you saying how you loved him for being a devout Muslim, who behaved differently (and better!) from other men in your culture.
He doesn't sound like a devout loving Muslim man to me right now.

I have said this before ...
Perhaps you should take some time to find yourself. Find your place with God, read your holy book, pray, seek other believers.
It doesn't sound to me like you husband is anywhere near ready to communicate with you!

I'm sorry, Ann. I wish I could say something more positive.

Peace and Blessings.

 

[snakelegs]

i can't believe how most of the advice here is telling her not to leave this guy.
he is treating her like crap - why should she accept this?
if he was a non-muslim, what would your advice have been???
anne, i hope you put this man behind you and go on with your life and i hope you will find the love you deserve. you sure deserve better than to be treated like this.

 

[F.Y.]

Dear sis Ann
As we all discussed, it may be better if you leave him be for a while - when he is ready to tell you something, let him talk to you. Let him call you. It may be very tempting because you want to sort it out and talk to him and you may be very frustrated.
That is understandable.
But I think I agree with glo's advice - do something for yourself for once. Stop putting yourself down - stop digging a black hole for yourself by constantly thinking about him and calling him. It cant be easy, but we have to start somewhere.
Tell yourself - there are only two people in your life (besides your family of course, but let's talk about them a little bit later) right now. There is you and there is Allah. That is all. Try to rely only on Allah - read salah, fast...make zikr. Think of things you are thankful about - and appreciate them with all your heart.
Read (books can be best friends!), take up a hobby - baking, a sport, sewing, knitting...etc. You need to nurture yourself - your self esteem has taken a huge blow. You need to build up your self-acceptance. You have to be proud of something you have done! And love Allah - He will bring you thorough this. Dont give up on yourself!
Peace and regards.

 

[DigitalStorm82]

Asalamu Alaikum Sis,

May Allah grant you patience.

One thing that makes Allah angry is a divorce. But, in this circumstance, you've tried so many times to work things out. It is apparent that he doesn't want to deal with you anymore... especially when he says things like he rather go to hell if your in heaven. Come on... thats just crossing the line. Even if he doesn't mean it... thats just stupid.

I think at this point... you need to do one thing... ACCEPT the reality. If you dont accept, and are ok with what has happened, you will never be able to move on... and it will keep hurting you.

Alhumdulillah, you became a muslim through your husband. You're in good graces with Allah, He knows what you're going through and the effort you've put forth to make everything alright again. None of this will go in vain, Inshallah.

Everything is recorded by the angels, and your husband will have to answer to Allah for the things he has said and done to you. But you dont need to think about that anymore.

A marriage is something 2 people share... not just 1 person doing everything for the other. so right now, you should focus on pleasing Allah... because everything in life is a test... and you have to pass this test by showing patience.

Inshallah, you'll be alright. Do what you think will please Allah and be most beneficial to your body and soul.

W'salaamz,
Hamid

 

[Tania]

Because you said you love him i still believe you should not give up at your love. You can follow another strategy too. This strategy its very simple: don't call him for -lets say-2 weeks. In this time he will realise what it means to be without you. He now doesn't realise he could loose you for good, because you are still contact him.

 

[person]

if you want your husband back then prove to him that you love him and that your the 1 for him. change your ways insha Allah and have sabr. Allah will make things easy for you

 

[Ann]

Again I'll start by thanking thanking all of you for your advice. You all made some very good suggestions and good points and each of you gave me alot to think about. Ive prayed alot and am feeling much better and confident knowing that I did what I can do to this point to try and fix things with my husband. I think many of you are right in saying its time to just leave him alone for awhile, if he wants to work things out he will come to me when he is ready. But if the path he choses is divorce, well then I will accept that decision and move on with my life and just be thankful for all I learned going thru this experience. In the end I hope Allah will see that I tried and did what I could.

So again thank you all and I pray Allah will bless each of you for your efforts.

Take care