New sister with quick marriage offer...Please help!!!

[muslimah0031]

Salam

This is an issue about using a single muslim dating site in which I met one guy there. He says he fell for me right away and now he could never love anyone else only me. So he has asked me to marry him. This all happened in less that one month. He is from the middle east and I am from Canada. I thought maybe he wanted marriage in order to come to Canada but I was wrong. He has no interest in that at all. Here are some of the expectations and promises that he has made me.

1. He told me that if I decide to come there with him that I am not allowed to tell anyone that I am going there. He says once I arrive then we can contact my parents. He says this is very important.

2. He says that I will be free to do whatever I want. I can go home to my country whenever I want. That strikes me as odd since in many Islamic countries women cannot always do what they want.
Bearing in mind that 2 weeks after he told me this, he said to me, I think it would be best if your parents came to visit us here instead.

3. I am not allowed to wear much clothing inside the home. Not even pants or skirt. He likes to talk about sex and what he will do once I am there with him.

4. He says that I will never be alone if he is with me at home. He is even wanting me to be with him at his work just to be with me.

5. He promised to never ever hit me.

6. I had to clear all my facebook male friends yet he has not taken any of the girls of his. Shouldn't he do the same??

I am not sure what to make of all this. Is it really possible that a man could fall for me that easily. I just ended a marriage with a non-muslim and this guy knows that. I just wonder if he is using my vulnerability. I do like him. Please give me advise???

 

[ardianto]

Salaam sis,

Sorry, I can make long and detailed post because I am so busy this morning. But let me tell you, Don't accept that guy, he is a liar !

I'll be back, Inshaallah.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

I agree with the above.

If something like that happened to me i would be really scared, you cant trust anyone like just over the internet sis especially when you havent met them in real life. Your father is your wali (protector) therefore he will know how to deal with the man inshaa'Allaah. So you cant have 'fallen' for him unless you meet him in person and discuss issues in the appropriate beneficial way.

1. He told me that if I decide to come there with him that I am not allowed to tell anyone that I am going there. He says once I arrive then we can contact my parents. He says this is very important.

Firstly: Sorry if i misunderstood but what does he mean you are not allowed to tell anyone you are going there? You are not to be married off without the permission of wali as far as im aware.

Secondly: if he really wants to marry you he should have contacted your wali or spoken to you through wali..and so he shouldnt be talking to you about issues that are to be talked through with married couples, which is rather unnacceptable (im referring to no. 3 and 4) so if he was their infront of your father, he probably wouldnt even dare say this.

6. I had to clear all my facebook male friends yet he has not taken any of the girls of his. Shouldn't he do the same??

clearly you shouldnt give any further thoughts for this guy


As far as I know a wali is to be involved for the sister side and so these issues should be discussed between one another in the appropriate Islamic manner.


I hope that i didnt sound harsh and that others can make it clear.

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

Here's some solid advice from an old man who has been there and done all that.

1. Delete your email account which you used to communicate with him. Ditto for your facebook account where he found you.
2. Totally go off-line for the rest of this month. Don't even switch on your computer or get within 100 meters of any computers.
3. Concentrate on memorizing at least one juz of the Holy Quran per day if you can. Or at least one page. Or at least one verse. Whatever that will keep your mind concentrated on the real things in life. Things like Allah. Not things like cyber-sex and cyber-liars.

I can think of a lot more than you can do but I think this should hold you steady for the time being. WaLLahu aklam.

 

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

I have a similar story but not for a Muslim man, my colleague suddenly resigned and move to Australia with Australian fiancee, they meet here in ME, when they reached there, he immediately locked her and all she has to do is serve him and his children. It was horrible story, when she did got a chance she got a ticket to Philippines and called her family here in ME (she's originally from GOA), and escaped.

Our bro and sis are correct, I would tell you he is 100% scam. Western are civilized and I am not against any country but perhaps you should read the local daily newspaper available online to be scared enough.

I wish you well sis, I had personal experience too, I was younger and non Muslim, I had time that i was inlove with chatting, i would fall for a man's voice, but i didnt meet him, then i chat with a local guy he said he has to meet me because he is going to America to study doctorate, alhamdollelah Allah protects me coz I agree to meet him but in the mall. When I met him, he looks good but dirty so it was turned off to me, he was begging me to go with me, i refuse because he is not clean (teeth), so i let go, later on when i turned like 20 i found out that area is full of bad people and believe they dont look of beauty, I am not, but one man followed me in his car (I was in taxi) till the elevator of our building, I just scared him away or something so he moved.

Alhamdollelah Im Muslim for over a year but I didnt chat really for 3years like.
Now if stranger will chat at me unless its my perfume business he's welcome, otherwise he cant waste my time
There are many horrible cases here, I dont like to post, its better you read online sis, please be careful

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salam

Wa Alaikum Asalaam and Jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us.

This is an issue about using a single muslim dating site in which I met one guy there.

Yes that site is very well known to be a "dating" site afor Muslims and certainly not one in which i would recommend any Muslims using. The majority of people are there to mess around or at least mess around until they find someone they would want to marry. Or some are just there to mess around fullstop.

He says he fell for me right away and now he could never love anyone else only me. So he has asked me to marry him.

I wonder how many other girls he has supposedly "fallen for instantly".

This all happened in less that one month. He is from the middle east and I am from Canada. I thought maybe he wanted marriage in order to come to Canada but I was wrong. He has no interest in that at all. Here are some of the expectations and promises that he has made me.


1. He told me that if I decide to come there with him that I am not allowed to tell anyone that I am going there. He says once I arrive then we can contact my parents. He says this is very important.

Why would a Muslim man tell a Muslim women to go to a strange country without even telling her parents about it? Very suspicious indeed. Would a true Muslim man ever tell a strange women to do such a thing? This should have indicated to you straight away that this guy is definately not right.

2. He says that I will be free to do whatever I want. I can go home to my country whenever I want. That strikes me as odd since in many Islamic countries women cannot always do what they want.
Bearing in mind that 2 weeks after he told me this, he said to me, I think it would be best if your parents came to visit us here instead.

A person can say many things and make many promises but it doesnt mean he is going to keep them. Just like you stated he done a big U turn with such a statement.

3. I am not allowed to wear much clothing inside the home. Not even pants or skirt. He likes to talk about sex and what he will do once I am there with him.

What a filthy thing to talk about when he is not even married to you yet. This guy really is sick in the head. You should have realised straight away that this guy is not right.

4. He says that I will never be alone if he is with me at home. He is even wanting me to be with him at his work just to be with me.

5. He promised to never ever hit me.

Words are easy to say but actions it is actions that count and it is apparent that he is not right even by his words so can you imagine what his actions would be like in the future?

6. I had to clear all my facebook male friends yet he has not taken any of the girls of his. Shouldn't he do the same??

Double standards. Obviously he should do the same. Sister it is apparent he is a player and is juts messing around with girls. That is why he asked you to come to his country without telling anyone. That is also why he talks to you in such a filthy way. He has no intention of marriage but to mess you about and that much is apparent.

You know these things deep down in your heart but you came here looking for confirmation and we are giving you the confirmation you need.

I am not sure what to make of all this. Is it really possible that a man could fall for me that easily. I just ended a marriage with a non-muslim and this guy knows that. I just wonder if he is using my vulnerability. I do like him. Please give me advise???

Sister he is making out to you deceptively that he has fallen for you and trying to soften your heart by using lovely dovey words. It is very likely he has uses the same tactic with many other women. On top of that you are on a rebound with the fact thtat you have had a failed previous relationship which has made you even more vulnerable.

So my sister you must prevent yourself from getting used, abused and hurt again. It is clear what his intentions are by his words. No true Muslim man would tell you to do such things nor would he talk such filth to you.

You are looking in the wrong places for marriage. That website is a "dating website" and you will rarely find any genuine people in there. Sister you have been through enough pain in your last relationship to know that such a marriage was never going to have any peace and blessings in it, so surely you should never repeat the same mistake again with your second marriage. This time around you should go about marriage in the right manner and that means going through your mahram to find a partner.

I hope this experience has taught you now so learn from it and cut off all contact with this man immediately. You don't need to say bye or get any answers from him but as the brother above said change your e mail address and delete your single Muslim account.

There are always predators looking for the vulnerable and naive and such sites are the breeding ground for such people. So sister you must go about marriage in the right manner through a mahram or at leastif a person shows interest then tell him to speak to your father, brother uncle etc and come around with his family so that you can go about it in the right manner.

Surely it is Allah who finds us our partners and if we go about findig a marriage partner in the right manner in the boundaries of Islam then surely Allah will give us peace and blessings in our marriage pursuits.

So sister you cam here for a reason and that is to know that this guy is NOT right for you and that you must cut off all contact immediately. Men can say all sorts to a women to soften her heart so they can get what they want. It is clear that he was just wanting to use you. So learn from this experience now sis and take lessons from it and never repeat such mistakes again.

So my sister concentrate on making the best of each second of this precious month. This is our best opportunity to get closer to Allah and to strengthen our imaan (faith) so that we are well equiped throughout the year.

Therefore we should spend each precious second in worship asking and begging of Allah for forgiveness and his mercy. Striving to get closer to him through worship and prayer. Our hearts are softened in this precious month so what better chance for us to purify our hearts further and soften it with his remembrance.

This is our chance to put the fear of Allah into our hearts and to live our lives ONLY to please Allah and invest in the hereafter which is our final destination. How long are we in this world? VERY short while. How long is the hereafter? FOREVER! Therefore we should spend as much of our little time as possible investing into the hereafter by doing everything possible to please Allah and refraining from anything which angers or displeases him.


B]The following are all threads that will help us to maximise each precious second of Ramadan:[/B]



1. 12 Ways to Maximize Everyday in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...308088-12-ways-maximize-everyday-ramadan.html



2. The Inner Dimensions of Fasting - A MUST READ!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...08099-inner-dimensions-fasting-must-read.html



3. 10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith) this Ramadhan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...steps-increasing-our-iman-faith-ramadhan.html



4. 10 steps to getting closer to Allah this Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...54-10-steps-getting-closer-allah-ramadan.html



5. VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday this Ramadan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...afl-salaahs-we-can-pray-everyday-ramadan.html



6. 9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...146-9-things-women-menses-can-do-ramadan.html



7. How productive was your day today in Ramadan?


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...13-how-productive-your-day-today-ramadan.html



8. Immense Rewards for Reciting the Qur'an in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...7-immense-rewards-reciting-quran-ramadan.html



9. 15 Easy Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...15-easy-good-deeds-do-throughout-ramadan.html



10. 40 Quick, Easy & Rewarding Good Deeds to do Everyday in Ramadhan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...ewarding-good-deeds-do-everyday-ramadhan.html



11. Ramadan is not just for one month it is for everyday of our lives!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...an-not-just-one-month-everyday-our-lives.html



12. Do we have "Double intentions" this Ramadan?


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...220-do-we-have-double-intentions-ramadan.html



13. 10 Steps to Maximising the Last Ten Days of Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...0-steps-maximising-last-ten-days-ramadan.html



14. 5 things to do on Laylatul Qadr


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-ramadhan-eid-ul-fitr/134300163-5-things-do-laylatul-qadr.html



15. 6 Things to do on the Virtuous Night of Eid - Laylatul Jaazah (The Night of Rewards)


http://www.islamicboard.com/general...-night-eid-laylatul-jaazah-night-rewards.html



If you need anymore help with anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. Please mention me in your dua's.

May Allah enable us to make the best of the most beautiful and blessed month of Ramadan. Ameen

 

[Galaxy]

Aslaamu alaykum!!!

I hope you find a better man sister cuz that guy sounds creepy! He's already talking already about intercourse!

 

[aadil77]

he's after a passport and someone to sleep with

stay away from such scum and stay away from 'dating' sites, please get some family involved - you don't seem mature enough to handle your own marriage

 

[Alpha Dude]

Ditto to all of the above. His deception and bad intentions are perfectly clear for all to see.

 

[Lonely Gal]

Sounds like a lie, i would stay away from him...

 

[shible]

Nothing to say, My family members have already spoken much on this on above posts.

It would be disappointing to see ppl say " No " and you might feel all are same. But the fact is reality hurts a little and when you accept it. there is nothing else more comfortable than that.

 

[ardianto]

Like my promise, I am back to this thread. But I think brother Hamza has given right answers. So, I don't need to write an advice again.

 

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

The clue and signs are there sister, the person has women on his facebook, this is enough for someone to know that they probably are not a practicing or proper Muslim. I would honestly stay as far away from this man as possible.

I would advise you to increase your knowledge of the deen, so you know your rights and can never let anyone take advantage, you'll also gain skills in better judgement on who a good Muslim really is.

May Allah(swt) grant you a pious and blessed man Inshallah.

Western are civilized and I am not against any country but perhaps you should read the local daily newspaper available online to be scared enough.

You do know they would probably think the same about the west, when they read about the abortions, thefts, suicides, riots etc.

 

[flowergarden]

Salaam dear sister,
I feel that you should not marry this man, and cut contact. he seems VERY controlling. As for now he tells you this and that but I just feel he may change and tell you to do as he pleases. I also feel that you should let your parents know about this site and who you have met!
Please be safe, sometime what people write on their profile and tell you via email is completely different than in real life.

 

[Ramadhan]

cut contact with him ASAP.
This guy is creepy.

 

[Salahudeen]

Why does he not want you to tell anyone you're coming there? that is very strange the only people who don't want anyone to know that someone is coming to see them are people who plan to do bad stuff so they want to hide it.

I mean this is what paedo's tell little children when they're leering them in, they say "Don't tell anyone you're coming to see me, not even mummy and daddy or your friends" because when she goes missing they don't want any link to them, and they don't want the child's family to be able to track the person down.

The fact he said that is sooo dodgy and creepy, I shudder to think what he plans to do with you, it obviously can't be good since he doesn't want anyone to know where you're going.

What if he just kidnaps you and locks you in a room?? maybe that's why he doesn't want you to tell anyone where you're going.

You have to realize how people act on the internet is not how they are in real life, it's easy to put on an act on the internet and convince people that you're something you're not, that is why con artists and people who love to indulge in deception all ways use the internet to lure their victims in.

Cut off all contact with him and realize he's dodgy and weird,also that site is no good at all, if you're going to use a site use one that is highly moderated not single Muslim, people just use that to hook with girls for "a bit of fun" as they put it.

The men on that site say shameful stuff that a man shouldn't say to a women and if the woman gets angry and starts telling him off and shaming him up they ban the woman??? and when you report the convo the admin's of the site don't even disable his account. That's my experience with the site because I had family members on there and I would be in the same room when they were on it so that's how I know.

And it's not appropriate to talk about bedroom stuff before marriage, it's clear shaytaan as infiltrated your relationsip and maybe your lusts and desires so you think this man is a good catch when it is so clearly evident from what you told us that he is really viole.

The problem is when we indulge in sin our heart becomes corrupted and we can't tell the good and the bad ourselves we need someone to come along and tell us, so please listen to what everyone told you and realize he's not a good person.

We wouldn't make it up, we know from experience that this guy isn't good, trust us when we tell you.

you need to cut off all ties before you end up getting hurt.

May Allah protect you against this monster.

I don't recommened even telling him that you are finishing with him as he will try very hard to convince you not to, and he will start saying lots of sweet words about how much he loves you and bla bla it's all crap please don't get taken in by it.

Just see him as a devil trying to lead you astray with these sweet buttery words, then you will feel sick at him for even saying them to you.

Because he shouldn't even be saying stuff like he loves you because you're not even married etc so it's just shaytaan messing with your head plus he knows a woman is very emotional and when a guy says such things it will trigger an emotinal response inside of her and make her more vulnerable to his trap.


So just disable your account on that site and disable your Facebook and make fresh everything, if you don't he will hound you for a while with emails saying he misses you and bla bla and you will eventually fall into it all again, so just change everything, and never go back to your old email, Facebook and single muslim account because you might get tempted to talk to him again.

In the past I told my friend the password to my email account and told him to change the password for me to something completely random so I could never access that account again and that worked cos you will eventually give in and start replying to him again that's why.




Look at this video it will make you wake up.

 

[ardianto]

Can someone put someone else photo in dating site ?. I begin to thinking that guy looks so attractive in his photo. But I am sure if he looks so attractive, that's not his photo.

 

[muslimah0031]

Thanks to everyone for the replys.

My main issue I feel is that being a new muslim and living in a community where there are no other muslims I had hopes of finding a life partner through this single muslim site. I have closed my profile on this site. This guy and I never used facebook for communication. I no longer have any males on my facebook account. We started using yahoo messenger for video chat so yes I know what he looks like. He is very handsome. That's what scares me. Is that he is so nice and he is handsome yet he has to find someone all the way in Canada and not in his own middle eastern country of Egypt. I am trying to cut contact with him and it is very hard to do so. I have never met anyone before who treat me so kindly in his words. However, I know this is wrong and I do have to end it. Please keep me in your prayers that i do this at the soonest possible moment. I am really scared of making a bad mistake.
Someone asked in here earlier why he does not want me to tell anyone that I am going there with him. He said it is because if I tell someone they may try and stop me from going there. This does not make any sense to me since I am a grown women and in my country I am free to go whereever I want in the world. So that part confuses me.
He is still making promises that when I go there with him I can do whatever I want, have all the freedom that I want. He even said that if I want to come back to Canada I can whenever I want as he only wants to see me happy. He has told me though that I cannot break his heart because he will no be able to live. This scares me too.
I do need to get away from this and I pray for the strength to do so as soon as I can.

 

[Salahudeen]

Well you're right you're a grown woman no one can stop you so it does not make sense at all, it's imperative for safety that you all ways inform your family where you're going and who you're going to see. And you shouldn't meet any guy without a wali because it's not safe.

the line he will not be able to live etc has been said plenty of times before by many guys and they're old men now lol

Maybe it's his looks that are the only thing you're attracted to? I mean why would you wanna be with someone who is like a sex predator and talks about such things before marriage?? It's obvious this guy is only concerned about one thing and that's fulfilling sexual desires. Has he even asked if you pray? If you're a good Muslim? If you like reading Quran? If you like learning about Islam?? Has he even gave any consideration for your deen?

How about yourself, have you gave any consideration to this mans religion and how sound it is??


I can't imagine how many other girls he is doing the same thing with, and you quite rightly pointed out, what is the problem with him that he can't find someone within his locality?

You mentioned that you're a new Muslim well the prophet (saw) said when you look for a partner you should look for someone who is pious and prays and establishes islam, from what you told us this guy isn't like that.

You should make your requirement in a partner someone who is estbalishing Islam in their life by praying daily etc because there is many Muslims who just have Muslim names but they don't act like Muslims and then when reverts marry them they get shocked and end up divorcing and then looking for someone who practices Islam.

So I'm telling you to save yourself the hassle and make sure you find someone practising and pious.

I've heard good things about the pure matrimony website but I really advise you involve a wali in any correspondence with a potential partner otherwise shaytaan will just corrupt things.

 

[Salahudeen]

If you live in a non muslim community then it's understandable why you tried the site, the problem is that the sites also have lots of weirdos and con artists on them so they are equally dangerous because you don't know the person from Adam and what kind of reputation he has in his community, he could be known for womanising and all sorts within his local community and you wouldn't find this information out through the site so that's why sites are dangerous.

How far is the nearest masjid? Isn't there any near you that offer matrimonial services?