Nikah - concoction of migranes, depression and alopecia

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sully

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Salams everyone.

Yep, I know it's Ramadhan but I couldn't help but ask my bros/sis for a lil bit of advice. I'm kinda at wits end with this problem.

The thing is I'm not a practicising Muslim per se and erm I've been with my erm can i call him my male friend? Well, I've been with him for almost 3yrs. After 3 months of knowing him, I decided that one of us is gotta make it halal so I kinda proposed to him (And no!, I'm not desperate, I was trying to please Allah and still am trying to)

He accepted (wohoo!) and I met his parents after constant nagging him to get them to meet me. They said no, naturally because of the classic tribal racism - I'm Bengali, he's Pakistani. We decided to wait for a bit but a 'bit' turned to almost 3yrs. I'm still waiting as i type. I'm still banging on about Nikah but he doesnt seem to be that bothered. He keeps giving excuses about 'being finanically stable' but I dunno anymore.

I'm not brave enough to leave, I dont really want to because of erm the 'love' thing. (Darn that feeling!) We've been through alot and I do care about him alot but I want him to 'man up' and stick up to his parents against this prejudice.

I dont know what to do....

The End (Yep, it went on for a bit, I know):p
 
sully said:
Salams everyone.

Yep, I know it's Ramadhan but I couldn't help but ask my bros/sis for a lil bit of advice. I'm kinda at wits end with this problem.

The thing is I'm not a practicising Muslim per se and erm I've been with my erm can i call him my male friend? Well, I've been with him for almost 3yrs. After 3 months of knowing him, I decided that one of us is gotta make it halal so I kinda proposed to him (And no!, I'm not desperate, I was trying to please Allah and still am trying to)

He accepted (wohoo!) and I met his parents after constant nagging him to get them to meet me. They said no, naturally because of the classic tribal racism - I'm Bengali, he's Pakistani. We decided to wait for a bit but a 'bit' turned to almost 3yrs. I'm still waiting as i type. I'm still banging on about Nikah but he doesnt seem to be that bothered. He keeps giving excuses about 'being finanically stable' but I dunno anymore.

I'm not brave enough to leave, I dont really want to because of erm the 'love' thing. (Darn that feeling!) We've been through alot and I do care about him alot but I want him to 'man up' and stick up to his parents against this prejudice.

I dont know what to do....

The End (Yep, it went on for a bit, I know):p
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..............
 
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Crazy_Lady said:
:sl:



^And that's true huh?!

:wa:
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Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.

Qur'an [30 : 21]

married muslim couple ( halal) = love eventually

male friend ( haram ) = heartbreak and disappointment
 
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:wa:

Let him talk to his parents and approach your walis. Till then, stop "befriending" him in every sense of the word. Don't stay alone with him or joke around or touch him etc.

You should note that marriage to a righteous man is a blessing from Allaah, and a blessing cannot be acquired by means of sin.
 
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well since u have waited 3 yrs how long does he wanna wait? another 3? financially stable is not a answer, asking for a definite when cuz u could just be wasting ur time. then stop speaking to him
 
Its easier said than done people. When there's too many emotions involved, its not easy to let go. I've tried. We broke up so many times only to make up again. I know you may think this isnt really love, its probably politically correct to call it lust but how long are you gonna lust over someone really? it usually disappears after a year or two when you've realised what they're really like, right? Can anyone say that they still have lustful feelings for their spouse after year 3? its more love isnt it?

I know you guys are right, and truth bloody hurts but I'm trying to let go, but its not easyimsad
 
:sl:

As brother Abdullahii pointed out; there's no love before marriage, it comes later (30:21). As for the problem, the deeper you get into any problematic situation; the more effort it takes to come out of it. Three years doesn't turn lust into love; a great deal of commitment of both husband and wife. Brother Woodrow summed this up beautifully and to the point in another thread.

:sl:

I doubt if it is possible to actually love a person of the opposite gender until after marriage. Dating often blinds a person and what they come to see is unending love, is actually short term lust. Love does not come, it has to be earned and worked for 24/7 and this is not possible until after marriage.

The "Dating Game" is just that---a game. Games end and you usually have a winner and a looser.
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Always keep one thing in mind, "Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (94:6).

:wa:
 
sully said:
I met his parents after constant nagging him to get them to meet me. They said no, naturally because of the classic tribal racism
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sully said:
I'm still banging on about Nikah but he doesnt seem to be that bothered.
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erm no girl that i know or myself would be foolish enough to wait around after all of that

come on girl! move on with your life
 
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Salaam. It is good that you realised talking to him was haraam and that you should make your relationship halaal by marriage. However, seeing as how you had to push him to let you propose to him, it is best that you move on. This brother does not seem to be fully commited i.e he does not want to marry you.
Pray to Allah SWT for he knows what's best for you and avoid these kinds of relationships before marriage in the future. If initiate in the halaal way Allah SWT will surely bless your marriage for you.
 
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:sl:

This brother may not be or appear to be fully committed due yours and his parents’ reaction. Try persuading your parents, I am sure they may be more incline to let both marry as you waited for so long. How long ago was it since you told your parent?
 
I met his parents after 6 months of being with him. Because the meeting didnt go well, he said we should wait and we both agreed to try again later but this is where I'm getting frustrated. How much later? Am I being unreasonable here? I did mention that he could concentrate on building a career whilst being married to me. (I know some brothers feel the need to be stable before getting hitched and I get that, but money was never an issue with me - Allah always provides) I mean we could do the walima when we both have dosh but I dunno.

I want to ask the brothers here for their opinion, I know some of you said 'get the hell outta there' - naming no names and other brothers are saying 'this aint love'...so tell me this - how do you know when a guy is for real? if it is lust, why do i feel the needl to punch him in the face, now and again? Yet I know he needs to respect his parents and all so I cant really put him in a position where he has to choose hence my leniency with him.

Anyway, bros (and sis's thnx for support/advice), how would i know? what would you do if you were the guy?
 
you need to find out when is later. is he secretly waiting to see if he will find someone he likes that his parents approve of but in the meantime hes got you hanging on????
 
Salams amani. I did think about that too. In fact I confronted him with all those questions. So he knows what I want and where I'm coming from. Its all a matter of him fixing himself up or so I think. Allah knows best - I cant assume.
 
:sl:

I am very much sympathetic about your feelings and do see how a person can unintentionally find themselves in this situation.

The reality is this is a haraam condition and nothing I do or say nor the words of any other can make what is haraam become halal.

You already know the only options available to you. The extreme difficulty is in finding the strength to do what you know needs to be done.

The sad reality is I do not see marriage to this man to be a reality. He sounds like a perpetual Teenager caught up in his own desires. Any man who would encourage you to live a haraam life for 3 years is not worthy of being your husband.
 
sully said:
True-blue I thought about that too.
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:sl:

I speak to you as I would speak to one of my Grand Daughters.

You are in my Du'as Ukhti, May this Blessed Month refresh your life and bring your sadness to a close and may you be given the strength to face the challenges with ease, let a worthy person come into your life, who will want you to stay on the path to Jannah and not mislead you with worldly temptations.
 
sully said:
Salams amani. I did think about that too. In fact I confronted him with all those questions. So he knows what I want and where I'm coming from. Its all a matter of him fixing himself up or so I think. Allah knows best - I cant assume.
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fixing himself in what way? and for how long? must he continue a relationship with you if he is doing this?
 

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