Not feeling appreciated

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anonymous

anonymous

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Hello everyone. I need some advice and another perspective. I'm someone whol helps around in the community but don't necessarily do it for the Praise. I help people however end up getting used. I don't necessarily care about it that much and I keep forgiving them.

I asked a well known elder person in the community if he can help look for me a wife. He told me no good girl will consider you because you are not a doctor. He told me become a doctor then we will consider looking for you. Then at times out of respect, I always give my Salaam to him but he keeps making jokes about me wanting to get married. So much I now just avoid him. Overall he is a nice guy but these cultural mentality is making me upset.

I have been in numerous chance to have illicit affairs but I always stay away from it for the sake of Allah. I'm someone who will never go near it but I just understand why Allah makes it difficult for me and instead of appreciateling me, instead makes me a subject of mockery in the community. Allah does not defend me yet allows the very people I help mock Mr. Its as if he saying he rejects my deeds or help.

My mother says everything bad that is happening to me is because I'm cursed by Allah. I'm a bad son and am being punished. I try my best to help around in the house, yet my family get mad at me and call me names and insult me when I forget. Its not my fault I forget. They cuss me out and then mock me telling me I'm not fit for marriage. Today the whole day my father was making fun of me and calling me names that I got so frustrated, under my breath I called my father a crook but my mother heard me.

She said I'm a hypocrite for chastising them for swearing when I said a bad word. Nothing I do makes them happy. They aren't happy I got perfect grades or perfect score in my medical exam. Nothing I do makes them happy. They say my brother is better than me.

My.brotjer boycotts me and I tried to keep ties but he doesn't even bother. I tell my parents and they ignore or laugh at it. They say you deserve it because you are annoying.

I don't feel appreciated or of value. What heck am I doing practing islam if eveyone is humiliating me and calling me names. Where is this so called justice of Allah? What kind of justice is this that parents can abuse children verbally and call them worthless and say bad words and a child can't even defend himself or vent. The child is expected to behave perfect while the parent can be vulgar as much as they want.

I don't even know why I'm practing. I used to put kohl or surmah on my eyes. Yet my parents made so much fun of me that I stopped. I'm sick of following and trying to please Allah but instead he doesn't care that I'm crying and being abused by the community and my family.
 
The question of why are you practicing can only be answered by you.

But that begs the question of, what if you stop practicing and leave Islam altogether? What are your expectations? My advice to you is if you want to focus more on earning the acceptance of the creation rather than the Creator, it is like chasing a mirage in a desert or trying to find that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. You will never get everyone to like or respect you. Whether you are a prophet, celebrity, the richest person on Earth, etc. Continue practicing your religion and know that no efforts go to waste. Everyone and everything is accounted for on the day of judgement.

You are clearly surrounded by ignorant people, including this so called elder. It sounds like you live in an area that is heavily focused on cultural views. Try finding other Muslims in your area and get their advice since they would understand your situation better than we can.
 
My issue isn't with people as I said....its why is Allah not appreciating me. Why is he allowing me to be continuing be abused and oppressed. Why does he allow parental abuse?
 
Assalam my bro!

So a few things:

Firstly, majority of this stuff you're dealing with is cultural rubbish. DO realize, unless your parents are very rude people/evil people (which I will assume they are NOT), they do not actually intend to hurt you as much as they are. They are not aware of how you are taking all of this criticism/scolding.

Also, Islam doesn't RESTRICT children to speak to their parents if they having an issue, or if they feel abused. Absolutely you should have a relationship-friendship with your parents in order to engage in healthy discussions with them about your issues you are having.
It is a cultural misconception that children should be the slaves of their parents...absolutely not in Islam. Allah says to handle them with mercy, but that doesn't mean speaking to them about your feelings would be wrong.

Now when it comes to the elderly man, ignore ALL people like this. If the majority of the Masjid is like that, then DO YOU brother! It is okay to do so. We were never told in Islam to BE pushed around by others. We are strong Muslims. So just not giving attention to these brothers directly would be the best thing you could do for now, which you are doing so that's good. But a tip that I learned that helped me most, was when walking in the Masjid, allow your vision to be only aware of the Muslim brothers who are smiling or don't seem rude. Your eyes will automatically be able to spot them. It is like when Allah says in the Quran to "reduce your vision..." when it comes to lowering the gaze, similarly, reduce your vision from all the negative people around you in the Mosque. And if worst case scenario, everyone in the Masjid is not happy people, then when you walk in there, be in the presence of Allah ALONE. (again this advice is what helped ME, you could already be doing this, but I just had to mention this here just in case)

Also when it comes to Ash-Shakur (The-Appreciative), you are definitely being appreciated by Him when HIS NAME is The Appreciative, SubhanAllah!
A few things:
Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said that this world is prison for the believers and a Jannah for the dis-believers. Sometimes, we won't get our justice immediately. Sometimes, some people may not even get their justice in this life. Pharaoh had done TONSSS of evil and injustice to others, but they didn't get their justice in this life. And trust me... from the looks of all the hadiths and knowing Allah is Al-Adl (The-MOST-Just)... anyone who was oppressed in this world... will get their reward and will be MORE than satisfied in the Hereafter, insha'Allah. So not a worry about the justice brother, bear patience like Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and all the other Prophets (PBUH), they came into the world to also show us the example of patience (even when being oppressed).
Secondly, Maryam, Isa's (PBUH) mother, went through straight humiliation of the whole community accusing her of doing haram things, SO MUCH SO... that she wished she would've been dead instead of having to go through SUCH humiliation. Wow, astaghfirallah, subhanAllah. But reason why I tell you this... is because she had to go through extreme humiliation to then in the end be the most HONORED of people in the world! SubhanAllah! Allah even has a name of hers as a chapter in the Quran, subhan'Allah.

So my points:
- Understand that Allah is VERY aware of what you're going through, no doubt. And He rewards beyond imagination. You'll be satisfied, insha'Allah
- Humiliation sometimes comes before the great honor. Don't let people get you down, keep your head up and listen to Surah Ad-Duha
- Ignore the cultural talk and rude comments, and take them as "just a cultural thing". It helps.
- Have kind, respectful talks with people you can have talks with, whenever they cross a line with you. Do it with your knowledge though, you know the situation best
- Best way to never be disappointed, is understand EVERYONE is flawed and EVERYONE can let you down, but our Raab is not flawed, nor will He EVER let you down - As a Believer. Subhan'Allah

Check out my vids on https://linktr.ee/FarTaha_Theory.

Assalam my brother, keep your chin up brotha!
 
Thank you brother. Jazakhallah.

What should I do if my father keeps calling me names. He curses my everyday and makes dua against me. He picks fights with me...even when I avoid him...he keeps insulting me. Wallahi I'm not lying. My father does not have good intentions. He tells me to leave the house everyday. I hate him so much I want him to suffer and pay for everything. I keep telling to stop even in a reasonable manner.

I get fed up that when he starts shouting words like your useless and worthless piece of **** I can't help but shout back. I'm tired of being abused by him. I hope Allah punishes him. My mother just goes along with his abuse and blames me for reacting. She doesn't chastise him for calling me names or insulting.

Even when I stay in my room all day...he makes fun of me and says stuff like I'm not a good muslim. I'm a fake muslim. He tells me to shut up when I tell him he has no right to call me names.

You say if I defend myself I won't be punished by Allah? Will Allah accept my father's dua against me?
 
Salam my Brother!

Astaghfirallah, wow! You really do have it a tough situation that a lot of us won't know or even understand what it's like to be in such a position. Astaghfirallah. No doubt, Allah is All-Aware and knows what you're going through. And knowing THAT itself, may give relief insha'Allah.

So as I've said right here, I've never been through your position and you're a very tough Muslim/person for going through it. But with me not fully knowing your position, I cannot give perfect/accurate advice on your situation because you from all people know the situation better. So do bear with me as I try and understand. May Allah make it easy on you, ameen!


With that being said:
When I had suggested defending yourself, I was assuming the situation was not past just a few "small" insults. But it seems to me now that your situation is far greater than just a few insults here and there. So I would actually suggest NOT defending yourself whatsoever, only because it does not seem that your father wants or even cares to listen to you. He doesn't mind a fight back. So to avoid things that could make it worse from your own hands, I'd suggest to just allowing him to say all the rubbish he says towards you. And Allah knows how difficult of a task that is, astaghfirallah. May Allah reward you, ameen.

My suggestion from a psychological perspective would be to create a type of ENERGY barrier between your father and you. For example, if he is in a bad mood, it then won't affect your mood. So for any time that he curses at you or insults, you won't be affected by his words - simply due to the fact that you've created an energy barrier between him and you.
THIS will reject his negative energy that comes towards you, which will leave you less or not harmed. It seems that maybe you are more on the sensitive side, which means you are more of a kind hearted individual who takes things personally (rightfully so).
Although this is a blessing, it also can be a curse. But you have to learn and understand that the "sensitive you" is not the ONLY "you". YOU have an ability within yourself, to stand firm of your belief and emotion and to reject any other type of negative emotion that may try and come and disrupt/damage your heart and happiness. This is called the "beast" inside of you (in simple terms). See, the misconception that people have is that the "beast" or the "manly" version of themselves only resort to some type of physical strength, but that is not true.
Hadith of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said that a true man is NOT who can out-wrestle someone physically, but the one who can control his anger when angry. Why? Because THAT is the "beast" within that is activated. A beast within understands that they DO have the power to fight back (physically/verbally), but CHOOSE (out of their mercy and strength) not to. And THIS is the hard, yet REWARDING task/skill to be built upon.
Every human comes with this ability. YOU just have to find it within yourself. You have to BELIEVE in yourself.
YOU are a Slave of Allah, so we carry the HONOR to that title, Allah Hu-Akbar!

"Will Allah accept my fathers dua?"
Let me ask you this. Would the Most-Merciful, Most-Perfect accept a dua from an OPPRESSOR or from the oppressed? The answer is very well known, your Raab is with you my brother. He does not like acts of violence and rudeness.
My suggestion to this would be, when you hear your father make a dua - Counter that dua with a dua of protection for you and a request for Jannah (in this life & the Next).
For example: If he makes dua for something bad to happen to you, this is how I would suggest your dua to be... "Ya Allah, protect me from the harm my father is saying towards me AND from all harms of this world and in the Hereafter. And Ya Allah, give me Jannah in this life and Jannat-ul Firdous in the Hereafter, Ameen"!
*Bonus points if you call our Lord by His Names ("Oh Allah, the Protector, the Guardian, protect me from....")*
And always make dua to Allah as if you're talking to Him right then and there. So assume He is not far (because He isn't). So try not to say when making dua "I pray that Allah protects me from... so and so", because naturally you're telling your own mind & soul that He is distant, far from you, when Indeed, Allah is closer to you than your own jugular vein. (Reference from Allah in the Quran 50:16)



Those are my suggestions, but do realize brother, you ARE getting like... utmost sawab insha'Allah if you handle it the way that Allah wants you to handle it.
This hardship is destined to happen to you whether you want to take the WRONG path or RIGHT path. Realize that. So going through all this rubbish, if you handle this hardship right now in the way of Allah, then wow are you making the most of it, subhanAllah. WAllahi, then you're SUCHHH a blessed person, that you and me and no one even KNOWS how blessed you are, masha'Allah insha'Allah. Trust me brother, you'll LOVE this part of your life on the Day we stand before Hell and Heaven with our Deeds on our sides. SO LONG... as you handle this correctly, insha'Allah. Astaghfirallah.
Do your best not to be rude to your father, just don't associate his words to you. They're meaningless. They carry no weight. Understand that he is coming from a place of misery himself (may Allah guide us all), because NO happy man would do/say such things. So understand that he ALREADY is suffering mentally, whether he shows it or shows it not. So understanding that, insha'Allah you'll then also take his words as useless and meaningless words that are coming from a place of anger towards his OWN self and his own life. It's the clear psychology of a man who acts as such. Astaghfirallah, may Allah make it easy on us all, and may Allah guide us all on the right path, ameen.


- Faraz from "FarTaha Theory"
https://linktr.ee/FarTaha_Theory
 
Can I be clear about something. You are wondering why Allah does not apperciate it you, let me be clear. You are as his slave. It is you who you should appreciate Allah and be thankful to him and not the otherway around. If the slave of Allah does not appreciate Allah, if the slave of Allah is not thankful to Allah, if the slave of Allah does not fear Allah, who do you think you are to demand better treatment than Allah.

Know this, the worst slave who you need to fear is the one who does not fear Allah. That....you need to stay as far as away from him or her as possible. Don't be fooled by the good looks, nice smell, good manners and helpful attitude. If that slave of Allah does not fear his or her rabb, they are the worst of creation and you need to fear them and stay away from them as possible. You are living in an environment that is far away from Islam, the fault goes to have of mankind. Allah have already put limitations in this world, anyone crosses that limitation would have transgressed and harm that be fell mankind will be by his hands.
 

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