not revealing ur maritial status

[reema]

salaam
Its been a long while but i have always longed to ask this question. Its like i always wanted to fall in love with my husband, so i sve myself from the distractions of this society. I had ample oppurtunities to have relations but i guess i didnt give in.Then i had this proposal from this religious person . I was quiet impressed by his knowledge regaarding islam .So after that we got married even though i met him for like 2 hrs after that my relatives jumped in and got us married.
It was only after 1 mnth i found out that he actually was a divorcee and was married for like 2 yrs. I mean imagine that, i was naturally upset. but he said to me that it is permissable to not tell a virgin girl that he is divorcee or not.
But i tot that marriage is all about trust and then he said he will make me happy etc etc so i just gave him another chance. But after that i never saw any sincerity in the marriage, he always took me for granted and neglected me. was it right then to trust him? wher did i go wrong? what can a girl do when she finds herself in this situation? can she really ask for khul but the damage is done and she will get a divorcee tag around her neck. anyway not to mention if her parents r not well off she might b forced to stay in situation like this

 

[Zahida]

Sister a lie is a lie!!!!! And he has hidden something /information from you which is a sin in itself......... It has destroyed your trust and faith in him, but you also say you have other probs too. I am sorry for your situation everywhere you look/turn Marraiges in Islam are in trouble (me included).

It's sad that Muslim men are not able to fullfill a contract in which Allah has joined them and they use and abuse this......If only they knew...

I would suggest you see a scholar and discuss your situation. I hope i helped. Tc:bump1:

 

[noorseeker]

I mean it was going to come out one day, but i see where you are coming from, why not just say it from the start, , was it his or his parents idea , may be they were afraid you wouldnt want to marry him if you found out he is a divorcee

 

[YusufNoor]

salaam
Its been a long while but i have always longed to ask this question. Its like i always wanted to fall in love with my husband, so i sve myself from the distractions of this society. I had ample oppurtunities to have relations but i guess i didnt give in.Then i had this proposal from this religious person . I was quiet impressed by his knowledge regaarding islam .

hopefully, this is why you married him.

So after that we got married even though i met him for like 2 hrs after that my relatives jumped in and got us married.

NO-ONE forced you right?

It was only after 1 mnth i found out that he actually was a divorcee and was married for like 2 yrs. I mean imagine that, i was naturally upset. but he said to me that it is permissable to not tell a virgin girl that he is divorcee or not.

why must a man disclose his past if you don't ask? is this demanded in the Shariah?

But i tot that marriage is all about trust and then he said he will make me happy etc etc so i just gave him another chance. But after that i never saw any sincerity in the marriage, he always took me for granted and neglected me.

are you sure that it wasn't YOUR attitude that changed????

was it right then to trust him?

why, did he stop supporting you?

wher did i go wrong?

MAYBE your attitude changed...

what can a girl do when she finds herself in this situation?

what situation specifically?

can she really ask for khul but the damage is done and she will get a divorcee tag around her neck. anyway not to mention if her parents r not well off she might b forced to stay in situation like this

THIS sounds like deception to me, as in "i want a divorce, but i am better off financially with this guy"

from a male point of view, if he has no children i don't see shy it would be your business if he was previously married before! i am not sure if he has to tell you that he is CURRENTLY married, although that WOULD be more relevant!

as for: "but the damage is done and she will get a divorcee tag around her neck..."

divorce IS permissible [just like his was]; if ANYONE feels that you have some kind of "mark" against you, then they are the one with the problem!

the Prophet of Allah[pbuh] married Zainab AFTER her divorce from Zaid ibn Haarith!

why make mountains out of molehills?

 

[Snowflake]

It was only after 1 mnth i found out that he actually was a divorcee and was married for like 2 yrs. I mean imagine that, i was naturally upset. but he said to me that it is permissable to not tell a virgin girl that he is divorcee or not.
But i tot that marriage is all about trust and then he said he will make me happy etc etc so i just gave him another chance. But after that i never saw any sincerity in the marriage, he always took me for granted and neglected me.

Sis, with all due respect of your feelings, I don't think it's a reason for divorce. I agree it isnt nice to find out the way you did and it wasn't right of him to hide it and then justify it with a weird explanation. You said you gave him another chance. That's good if it is accompanied with true forgiveness, not underlying resentment. I don't know his side of the story. But do ask yourself if your resentment could've caused him to be distant with you. Sometimes we blame others but can't see that its us who made them behave that way.


Also, perhaps he genuinely believed that not disclosing it wasn't an issue? Trust me, what women see as a big 'end of the world' thing, might not even be enough to make a man bat an eyelid. However, he should've explained his reasons and understood how its made you feel along with an apology.


I reckon you should try to make your marriage work. I am sure he wants that too - especially it being the second time for him. Talk to him and explain without a moaning/accusing tone and expression how you felt but that you want to make your marriage work. He didn't cheat on you or treat you badly sis. And what he did hide, was about himself and not something that would've affected you if you hadn't found out. You ought to have treated him by what he is now and how he was treating you. This problem isn't something that can't be solved and therefore I do not see it as grounds for divorce. Please don't take marriage lightly and think about ending it just because you don't like the way things are. The problems really have to be serious to the extent they can't be solved.


I pray Allah helps you both to overcome this problem and be happy in your marriage. Ameen.

 

[Zahida]

Can i just ask if it had been the other way around and the brother found out she had been married before, but hadn't told him and had withheld it from him then what?

I have seen a pretty similar case where the girl did not reveal that she had been married before......... when the second husband found out, he divorced her immediately............ Where are our morals, where is our sense of responsibiities, why are there rules for one and not for the other, why are we liars cheats and decievers!!!!!!!!!!!! Why???????????????????

What gives us the right as Allahs' creation to hurt and destroy one another? Is there no "khauff" left.

We have all turnrd into selfish people and from my experience NO-ONE, can give you peace of mind............ everyone hurts you everyone lets you down.

Apologies if i have offended anyone.

 

[YusufNoor]

Can i just ask if it had been the other way around and the brother found out she had been married before, but hadn't told him and had withheld it from him then what?


Muslim men appear to be WAAY more insecure than woman and i would doubt that he would fail to ask 2 things, are you a virgin [cuz some seem to put ALOTof value in that] and have you ever been married.

I have seen a pretty similar case where the girl did not reveal that she had been married before......... when the second husband found out, he divorced her immediately............

if you don't know the whole case, MAYBE he was told different.

Where are our morals, where is our sense of responsibiities, why are there rules for one and not for the other, why are we liars cheats and decievers!!!!!!!!!!!! Why???????????????????

where's the morals problem IF she did not choose to ask? MAYBE her parents knew how IMMATURE she was and suggested NOT telling her!

What gives us the right as Allahs' creation to hurt and destroy one another? Is there no "khauff" left.

how can an action that someone did when you did not know them "hurt" you?

We have all turnrd into selfish people and from my experience NO-ONE, can give you peace of mind............ everyone hurts you everyone lets you down.

bitter???

Apologies if i have offended anyone.

IF these questions MATTER to someone, THEN they should ask! IF the other party then LIES, an injustice may have occurred!

NO MATTER WHAT MISTAKES some MAY have made, if they have repented, then they have a clean slate! PERIOD!

it's bad enough that you want to control someone in the present, NOW you want to control their past!!

Alhumdulillah, my wife was a divorcee! there was SOO MUCH petty crap that i didn't have to worry about!

 

[Snowflake]

Can i just ask if it had been the other way around and the brother found out she had been married before, but hadn't told him and had withheld it from him then what?

I have seen a pretty similar case where the girl did not reveal that she had been married before......... when the second husband found out, he divorced her immediately............ Where are our morals, where is our sense of responsibiities, why are there rules for one and not for the other, why are we liars cheats and decievers!!!!!!!!!!!! Why???????????????????

What gives us the right as Allahs' creation to hurt and destroy one another? Is there no "khauff" left.

We have all turnrd into selfish people and from my experience NO-ONE, can give you peace of mind............ everyone hurts you everyone lets you down.

Apologies if i have offended anyone.

Of course it's immoral and deceptive but according to the sister, she did forgive him. But forgiving means forgetting or it hangs in the air and the other person doesn't escape it affects.

The most important thing is what kind of a husband he was until it all came out. If he was genuine and his conduct was good then alhumdulillah, why not remember that we all have weaknesses and he had fallen prey to the evil inside him (which is in us all btw) and let bygones be bygones? But if he's made to feel that he's commited the most heinous crime known to mankind how's he gonna be comfortable anymore? And how's he going to respond to the woman who is making him feel like that? Really it's up to us how much of an issue we make of something. These days too many people are wanting divorce at the first sign of trouble. May Allah have mercy.

 

[Zahida]

Scents of Jannah, I agree with you toooooooo many people are divorcing for very slight reasons and the divorce rate amongst Muslims is very high......... we must have patience and try to sort things out and only use divorce as a last resort..........sadly divorce is on the zubaan too much and i feel that men use this, because they can,simply. Thereis no tolerance anymore.............. Sad

 

[youngsister]

i just ask if it had been the other way around and the brother found out she had been married before, but hadn't told him and had withheld it from him then what?

Thank you! When you marry someone you should be honest and tell them whether you were married previously, at the end of the day it will come out anyways how embaressing is it going to be when your wife finds out from someone else?

Common sense people.

 

[Snowflake]

^then what? men can be just as forgiving as women you know lol

 

[Zahida]

:bump1: I have every respect for what you are saying brother. But surely something as big as a first marraige is not anything to hide. It has only caused them pain because it was hidden in the first instance........... If he had hidden the fact that he had false teeth.............it would be different. I am only sharing my opinion by saying that even if the girl had not asked, he should have been honest and discussed it with her, it would have saved all the issues arisen now.:bump1:

IF these questions MATTER to someone, THEN they should ask! IF the other party then LIES, an injustice may have occurred!

NO MATTER WHAT MISTAKES some MAY have made, if they have repented, then they have a clean slate! PERIOD!

it's bad enough that you want to control someone in the present, NOW you want to control their past!!

Alhumdulillah, my wife was a divorcee! there was SOO MUCH petty crap that i didn't have to worry about!

 

[Lonely Gal]

why should he hide the fact that hes married? there is no offence in having done that and divorced as clearly something went wrong between the two people.
From my own view I would be understanding the my husband told me from day one, rather than later.. i too would feel hurt and confused. If its his past then sure yes its his past, but why should parts of a persons past be hidden.. if there is love and connection, the past should not affect their relationship but there is no need to hide such a big tings

 

[ummsara1108]

You obviously saw good in him to marry him right? then why worry about his past now, it was your responseability to ask such neccessary questions that you now feel important. He didn't lie to you because you never asked, he just didn't volunteerily give you this information, perhaps he merely thought you didn't care, I mean have you sat down and told him everything in your life, I bet not. From my understanding culturely muslims are very close (as in e1 knows e1 and if not, it's not hard to find out). My prayers go out to you and your husband for God to guide you both to a happy futher. You have stated there are other issues as well, I hope you both can work them out as well, but sister, plz don't hold a grudge against your husband, learn to forgive as God forgives and move onto good things.

 

[SixTen]

You obviously saw good in him to marry him right? then why worry about his past now, it was your responseability to ask such neccessary questions that you now feel important. He didn't lie to you because you never asked, he just didn't volunteerily give you this information, perhaps he merely thought you didn't care, I mean have you sat down and told him everything in your life, I bet not. From my understanding culturely muslims are very close (as in e1 knows e1 and if not, it's not hard to find out). My prayers go out to you and your husband for God to guide you both to a happy futher. You have stated there are other issues as well, I hope you both can work them out as well, but sister, plz don't hold a grudge against your husband, learn to forgive as God forgives and move onto good things.

It is that, what she saw good - turned sour now. You have to understand, you marry someone, but later realise its someone completely different then who you thought he was before you married him.

If a brother is divorced, I think that is quite an important part in his life - which probably should not be disclosed from a future wife - simply because - it is part of who you are and if you marry them without them knowing this - it makes you somewhat fake.

I can understand the sisters pain, I mean, she is probably contemplating so much over - when they got married, what happened for their to be a divorce and so fourth. Also, doesn't the sister have the right to marry someone who isn't a divorcee? And how else could she have this right unless the guy is open about the situation?

So, erm, even though it may seem "minor" at first, it really isn't. It is like, you found out about a secret life of his, that you thought never existed.

 

[Malaikah]

I was quiet impressed by his knowledge regaarding islam .So after that we got married even though i met him for like 2 hrs after that my relatives jumped in and got us married.

Sister, under normal circumstances I would have found it very wrong that a man didn't tell you he was a divorcee, however, in this case - you had only known for two hours before you married him!!!!!! Really, two hours isn't exactly much and it's not like you can swap life stories in that time.

It isn't like you had known him for a month.

Also, did you ask if he was divorced? Did you ask any question that would have required him to say he was divorced? For example, you may have asked "Is there anything else you think I should know?"

If you didn't ask these question, I (personally) don't see how it is deceptive that he didn't tell you.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Who is he as a Muslim? If he's a decent husband who fears Allah, u shouldnt resort to divorce. Sometimes people keep things from us to protect us. You should talk to him and ask him why he kept this from u? Who knows, u might understand and forgive him.

and there is nothing haram about being a divorcee, so he shouldnt have felt ashamed to tell u. Talk him anyway.

MayAllahgrantuwhatsbestameen.,