not sure about getting married

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly brother you one a huge error in accepting someone you have never seen. It is your Islamic right to see, meet and even speak to the girl in front of her mahrams. This is the best way of knowing whether or not there is any attraction or spark there. I think you should see if you can have this meeting before anything progresses. ONLY after meeting her should you have taken things further.

So you must try and meet her before anything progresses. Photographs are very decieving as the person will always look very different from one photo to another. So don't rely on photos to give you any accuratew indication of how she looks and whether you are attracted to her or not. The best way of finding out is once you have seen her in person and spoken to her to see if there is any spark there or not.

You have also done huge error in speaking to her for so long over the phone without being married to her as this is forbidden in Islam and you have let shaythan into your conversations. For this you must repent to Allah and ask of him to forgive you and to also guide you in this matter and to do what is best for you.

 

[ardianto]

no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

From my experience, the thing that clever and beautiful people really be avoided when they propose marriage or relationship is promote themselves as clever or beautiful people. I begin to sure if she is far from her claim about herself.

Bro, have you told about it to your local imam ?. The place where Muslims shall go when they get trouble are Ulama.

 

[Tyrion]

Uhh, I couldn't understand the majority of the OP, but from what I gathered the engagement happened before you met or saw each other... Correct? From what I understand, that's not a very smart way to get things going (from an Islamic and a non Islamic pov...). Also, it really sounds like you're not attracted to her (for whatever reason) and if that's the case, end the engagement now. By ending it, you can avoid problems that will almost certainly arise later. Don't ruin both of your lives...

 

[ardianto]

If this brother can end this engagement, he must be do it. but he can't, his family and community 'press' him to accept that woman.

 

[anonymous]

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly brother you one a huge error in accepting someone you have never seen. It is your Islamic right to see, meet and even speak to the girl in front of her mahrams. This is the best way of knowing whether or not there is any attraction or spark there. I think you should see if you can have this meeting before anything progresses. ONLY after meeting her should you have taken things further.

So you must try and meet her before anything progresses. Photographs are very decieving as the person will always look very different from one photo to another. So don't rely on photos to give you any accuratew indication of how she looks and whether you are attracted to her or not. The best way of finding out is once you have seen her in person and spoken to her to see if there is any spark there or not.

You have also done huge error in speaking to her for so long over the phone without being married to her as this is forbidden in Islam and you have let shaythan into your conversations. For this you must repent to Allah and ask of him to forgive you and to also guide you in this matter and to do what is best for you.

i know brother but u cant just change a persons face can u ur who u are in pictures but not all pictures one or 3 would not show u good but all 7? and yes i know i made a mistake by talking to her but its done know i will repent to Allah to forgive me for this and its not possible to meet her if i do then it will be worse then i have to marry her this is how it happens in our culture and if i say i cant marry her then this is against our culture as said iin my other comments i will lose every 1 no 1 will talk to me and hate me

From my experience, the thing that clever and beautiful people really be avoided when they propose marriage or relationship is promote themselves as clever or beautiful people. I begin to sure if she is far from her claim about herself.

Bro, have you told about it to your local imam ?. The place where Muslims shall go when they get trouble are Ulama.

i was thinking the same thing and she said the first night if the wedding dont do anything just sleep so thats why i asked about the virginity in my first post how can u not do antyhing on the first night and the first night does not come every time? and the last time i spoke to her on the phone she said i dont want children until i come to uk i asked why she said it will make it harder for me to get a visa she is worried about that, should i ask a imam about this problem for help or not?

Uhh, I couldn't understand the majority of the OP, but from what I gathered the engagement happened before you met or saw each other... Correct? From what I understand, that's not a very smart way to get things going (from an Islamic and a non Islamic pov...). Also, it really sounds like you're not attracted to her (for whatever reason) and if that's the case, end the engagement now. By ending it, you can avoid problems that will almost certainly arise later. Don't ruin both of your lives...

yes i know but how read my comments i dont see any other way then just leaving this world

 

[Salahudeen]

If no body talks to you because you end it then that's better than marrying someone you don't want to marry and divorcing her later on innit? If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them, who said that guidance requires there to be someone accompanying you, you should do the right thing even if it means people will dislike you and not talk to you, this is so much easier to say than do I know, but if people stop talking to you so what, they're only people, you can make new friends who will talk to you. I know you don't want to earn your families displeasure but you have to put your interests first, many people get married for their families and stick it out for the first few years and have kids, then 10 years down the line they think "Forget this I want a divorce" and they walk out cos they didn't wanna marry the person in the first place, and it's much worse situation then.

 

[anonymous]

If no body talks to you because you end it then that's better than marrying someone you don't want to marry and divorcing her later on innit? If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them, who said that guidance requires there to be someone accompanying you, you should do the right thing even if it means people will dislike you and not talk to you, this is so much easier to say than do I know, but if people stop talking to you so what, they're only people, you can make new friends who will talk to you. I know you don't want to earn your families displeasure but you have to put your interests first, many people get married for their families and stick it out for the first few years and have kids, then 10 years down the line they think "Forget this I want a divorce" and they walk out cos they didn't wanna marry the person in the first place, and it's much worse situation then.

i dont know if i can but i will try first i have to do istikhara then i will decide what do u think? is this a good idea

 

[anonymous]

and will Allah forgive me for not getting married to her how do i know i am doing the right thing

 

[Grofica]

this is how it happens in our culture and if i say i cant marry her then this is against our culture

The thing is that is culture not religion. Listen to the people when they say there is nothing wrong with breaking it off before marriage

i was thinking the same thing and she said the first night if the wedding dont do anything just sleep so thats why i asked about the virginity in my first post how can u not do antyhing on the first night and the first night does not come every time? and the last time i spoke to her on the phone she said i dont want children until i come to uk i asked why she said it will make it harder for me to get a visa she is worried about that, should i ask a imam about this problem for help or not?

kids dont make it harder, :exhausted it sounds more like she is only doing this cause she is being pressured. not because she wantes to be with you.

i dont see any other way then just leaving this world

"leaving this world" is haram. thats a million times worst than almost anything you could do. being an adult means making hard decisions and standing up for what you believe in. If you cant do that than your not ready to get married anyway.

If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them

Well said!!!!!

and will Allah forgive me for not getting married to her how do i know i am doing the right thing

Divorce is the worst possible thing you are allowed to do and Allah forgives us for that. If you break off the wedding before you have done anything wrong then there is no harm...

If you continue to go down this road... and continue to exchange pictures and spend time talking about things ONLY married people should talk about... well thats another story... you guys are already doing things you should not be doing. and dont get me wrong I personnaly dont see anything wrong with talking over a computer but you should not be talking about stuff that you would not say without someone there.

if her brother or father were "sitting" there listening you would never talk about the things you guys are talking about. have a little respect...

in addition i stand my what i said earlier. if you can not distinguesh culture from relgion and you can make stand up for what you believe you dont need a wife yet. you are too young. and i can tell by how you talk you are too young. i think you need to spend some time working on yourself before you do something you will regret.

you cant ever love someone if you dont love yourself and if your willing to off yourself because of some cultural norm then you dont love yourself. and thus your also not ready for marriage. :exhausted

 

[anonymous]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

 

[Grofica]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so

Let me put it this way... if her concern is to tell you what she is NOT going to do then she is not excited about this... if she is not excited she is not happy and she doesnt really want this... just an opinion by a woman. a woman might have a bunch of feelings before not like that...

my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

So someone is going to talk you into something that will make you and her unhappy for your entire life and that is so much better so your cousin is happy. who cares about you or the woman your supposed to marry...

only god knows how good or bad your deen really is. no one can judge you but god. and i still think you are too young.... you should be financially responsible at the time you want to get married not just cause it will be cool.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Brother i believe you mentioned your 29, at that age you should be able to become responsible of your own marriage, you as an individual have the right and ability to say no if you dislike her.

You are not crazy, saying no is not crazy its called making a decision or a conclusion, what they are doing is something that is 'forcing' or either way your not happy, ask them do they not want to see you unhappy? if so, then atleast ask them to listen to you and what you have to say and want, as its your life and the girls, if one person is unhappy in the marriage, the whole marriage may end up disastrous.

Ishtikarah is guidance prayer, are they saying Allaah guides only the 'practising muslims', how can they judge you or your heart? firstly, how can you even tell a person is 'practising' or not, is there some label on them?. Are they saying you have no right to guidance from Allaah? It is best to do ishtikarah as long as you aware of what your doing i.e how to perform the salaah. You are a servant of Allaah, and Allaah loves those who ask him, they trust in his decision as he knows whats best.

My advice is to ask your parents this, sit in a room with them alone and discuss this, if not both, then try atleast one insha'Allaah, if that doesnt work try someone else close to you, listen to what they have to say, and also try to get in what you want to say. Explain to them patiently, tell them about the facts , a man and women must see each other face to face in real life to know whether they like each other or not, to ask questions all infront of a mahram i.e not alone. The fact that pictures can make one look different, picture life is not real life, nor is real life a picture life, yes this is the norms in some cultures, but its not so in islam, so think about how a engagement where you havent seen each in real life could be acceptable then? Speak to them and explain how this is the way you feel comfortable. Liking a picture is not simply what it takes to become husband and wife, understanding, things in common, deen, the fact that you actually like each other etc are important, explain to them ishtikarah is for everyone as far as I know that is muslim, its a prayer for guidance and everyone needs guidance in their time of life.

At the same time try be firm, and not aggressive or angry as that may cause negativeness.

I really hope that this situation is made easy for you, you are in my du'aa, also make lots of du'aa and dont forget to perform your salaah on time and supplicate to Allaah, be sincere.

May Allaah SWT ease this situation of yours and grant you happiness in this life and the hereafter Aameen.

 

[anonymous]

@@Grofica
when i speak to her on the phone one minute she sounds like she likes me allot and the next not example if i say no to something she gets kinda weird and she says i love you things like that so i dont understand her and yes spoke to my cousins again today and they said dont break the engamgent if u do then it will be very bad u wont have any 1 we wont talk to u or let u in our homes and every body else is well and he said to kill my self but not do this bought of my cousins said the same thing but my cousins sister said the same thing but at the end she said dont kill ur self if ur going to then its better to cancel the engament but she said my fiances life will be destroyed and there will be big problems between the two familys and people will call my dad bad names bcoz of me either i marry her or i kill my self these are the option i see and one more thing sister i wanted to tell u when i was talking to her on the phone while back she said her breats are very small and on the picture it looks like it what can i do i have migrain and since i got her pictures i get my migrain attacks it comes when i am upset

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Brother i believe you mentioned your 29, at that age you should be able to become responsible of your own marriage, you as an individual have the right and ability to say no if you dislike her.

You are not crazy, saying no is not crazy its called making a decision or a conclusion, what they are doing is something that is 'forcing' or either way your not happy, ask them do they not want to see you unhappy? if so, then atleast ask them to listen to you and what you have to say and want, as its your life and the girls, if one person is unhappy in the marriage, the whole marriage may end up disastrous.

Ishtikarah is guidance prayer, are they saying Allaah guides only the 'practising muslims', how can they judge you or your heart? firstly, how can you even tell a person is 'practising' or not, is there some label on them?. Are they saying you have no right to guidance from Allaah? It is best to do ishtikarah as long as you aware of what your doing i.e how to perform the salaah. You are a servant of Allaah, and Allaah loves those who ask him, they trust in his decision as he knows whats best.

My advice is to ask your parents this, sit in a room with them alone and discuss this, if not both, then try atleast one insha'Allaah, if that doesnt work try someone else close to you, listen to what they have to say, and also try to get in what you want to say. Explain to them patiently, tell them about the facts , a man and women must see each other face to face in real life to know whether they like each other or not, to ask questions all infront of a mahram i.e not alone. The fact that pictures can make one look different, picture life is not real life, nor is real life a picture life, yes this is the norms in some cultures, but its not so in islam, so think about how a engagement where you havent seen each in real life could be acceptable then? Speak to them and explain how this is the way you feel comfortable. Liking a picture is not simply what it takes to become husband and wife, understanding, things in common, deen, the fact that you actually like each other etc are important, explain to them ishtikarah is for everyone as far as I know that is muslim, its a prayer for guidance and everyone needs guidance in their time of life.

At the same time try be firm, and not aggressive or angry as that may cause negativeness.

I really hope that this situation is made easy for you, you are in my du'aa, also make lots of du'aa and dont forget to perform your salaah on time and supplicate to Allaah, be sincere.

May Allaah SWT ease this situation of yours and grant you happiness in this life and the hereafter Aameen.

i cant talk to them my reall mom past away when i was a kid my step mom is not reaaly good with me and if i say anyhting to my dad hell will break on me he is a very angry man

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Anyone else you can speak to? What about a local imaam? maybe explain him the situation and he can maybe talk to your family?

And Please dont think about killing yourself, this situation you are dealing with right now is nothing compared to the consequences of suicide.

Is there not anyone you can speak to, to convince your father? How about the girl ends this with you? How about you ask your father that you want to meet the girl before marriage but not alone.

I hope that someone can advice you insha'Allaah

please do not give up hope though, ask Allaah and trust in Allaah!