Assalaamu Alaikum
I have recently been gettimg a lot of whispers that i did not repent for my past before gettimg married. I had committed several sins including the most major ones. I had committed sins with more than just one men all of it which i deeply regret now.
When i was still involved with the last guy i started praying etc. I began worrying about the life i had been leading. I told that guy i could no longer be intimate with him yet i continued to date him and did fall into sin again. But Alhamdulillah i kept going and eventually the guy broke up with me because he felt that i was 'too religious' for him. He said horrible things including blatant words of kufr (he wasn't a muslim anyway). But then i met him once after we broke up and we kissed. I grew up in a muslim country where dating is the norm and kissing / going out alone etc is perfectly accepted. So I want really thinking much about these major sins. I was focusing on the other songs i had also fallen into like clubbing etc etc. I was trying to establish prayers, make up my fasts and so on. I was also getting a lot of waswas about kufr which left me occupied a lot. So unfortunately even aftee that kiss i didn't really regret it i think. I just didn't think much about it. I still saw him/spoke to him a couple of times since then. Having guy friends was pretty 'normal' too after all.
That was back in 2010 and early 2011. Since then i have changed my ways. The steps i had stayed back then continued Alhamdulillah. I put on my hijab and then my abaya too later on. I stopped hanging around guys and i began feeling very uncomfortable with the culturally accepted ways of shaking hands with men. If a situation occurred where i had ended up shaking hands with a non mahram i felt awful. Slowly i distanced myself from my guy cousins too and after i moved home i told my mom I'd like to get married and to please find me a good guy. There were weak times when i was working in an office as i found that i didn't get along with the girls and i would end up taping to the men more than i should have. But still Alhamdulillah i was at least aware this was wrong.
I met a man eventually and we began talking m he was also from the office. We went out for a ride one day but i was in my seperate bike and so was he. There was no physical contact. But it was still wrong i know that now. I told my mom about this and she didn't approve of the man as he already had a kid and she didn't think i would be able to take on that responsibility. She was right too. I stopped talking to him and that was when I decided to wear my abaya. I only spoke to him for maybe 2 weeks and i was interested in finding out if he was a suitable marriage partner which was why i told my mom too
Sorely afterwards i met my husband now and we married. We tried to keep things halal as much as possible. However my family didn't really understand these views. When he comes to my house to meet me before nikah, they would all leave or go to their rooms and leave us alone. This happened often which we both knew was wrong. I did not commit zina or anything with this man. Sometimes we did sit too close to talk but i didn't hold his hand or anything of that sort. And even when we sat close we didn't have body contact. There might have been like 3 or 4 times when we did have body contact like once i was holding a baby and was passing to him and my hand brushed against him. I'm not excusing these but In Shaa Allah I tried.
Now i keep gettimg doubts that i didn't repent for my previous sins before nikah. I keep getting waswas that my nikah isn't valid because i read that if you commit zina you have to repent first. I tell myself that In Shaa Allah i did repent. Giving up my past life and changing myself was also part of repentance. Please advice me.
I have recently been gettimg a lot of whispers that i did not repent for my past before gettimg married. I had committed several sins including the most major ones. I had committed sins with more than just one men all of it which i deeply regret now.
When i was still involved with the last guy i started praying etc. I began worrying about the life i had been leading. I told that guy i could no longer be intimate with him yet i continued to date him and did fall into sin again. But Alhamdulillah i kept going and eventually the guy broke up with me because he felt that i was 'too religious' for him. He said horrible things including blatant words of kufr (he wasn't a muslim anyway). But then i met him once after we broke up and we kissed. I grew up in a muslim country where dating is the norm and kissing / going out alone etc is perfectly accepted. So I want really thinking much about these major sins. I was focusing on the other songs i had also fallen into like clubbing etc etc. I was trying to establish prayers, make up my fasts and so on. I was also getting a lot of waswas about kufr which left me occupied a lot. So unfortunately even aftee that kiss i didn't really regret it i think. I just didn't think much about it. I still saw him/spoke to him a couple of times since then. Having guy friends was pretty 'normal' too after all.
That was back in 2010 and early 2011. Since then i have changed my ways. The steps i had stayed back then continued Alhamdulillah. I put on my hijab and then my abaya too later on. I stopped hanging around guys and i began feeling very uncomfortable with the culturally accepted ways of shaking hands with men. If a situation occurred where i had ended up shaking hands with a non mahram i felt awful. Slowly i distanced myself from my guy cousins too and after i moved home i told my mom I'd like to get married and to please find me a good guy. There were weak times when i was working in an office as i found that i didn't get along with the girls and i would end up taping to the men more than i should have. But still Alhamdulillah i was at least aware this was wrong.
I met a man eventually and we began talking m he was also from the office. We went out for a ride one day but i was in my seperate bike and so was he. There was no physical contact. But it was still wrong i know that now. I told my mom about this and she didn't approve of the man as he already had a kid and she didn't think i would be able to take on that responsibility. She was right too. I stopped talking to him and that was when I decided to wear my abaya. I only spoke to him for maybe 2 weeks and i was interested in finding out if he was a suitable marriage partner which was why i told my mom too
Sorely afterwards i met my husband now and we married. We tried to keep things halal as much as possible. However my family didn't really understand these views. When he comes to my house to meet me before nikah, they would all leave or go to their rooms and leave us alone. This happened often which we both knew was wrong. I did not commit zina or anything with this man. Sometimes we did sit too close to talk but i didn't hold his hand or anything of that sort. And even when we sat close we didn't have body contact. There might have been like 3 or 4 times when we did have body contact like once i was holding a baby and was passing to him and my hand brushed against him. I'm not excusing these but In Shaa Allah I tried.
Now i keep gettimg doubts that i didn't repent for my previous sins before nikah. I keep getting waswas that my nikah isn't valid because i read that if you commit zina you have to repent first. I tell myself that In Shaa Allah i did repent. Giving up my past life and changing myself was also part of repentance. Please advice me.
