Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse

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Timi Scar said:
You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol

He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:



Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.

And you are in lalaland.

Scimi
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No she's right. There isn't any set time to make deliberations. There should be a wali involved in all steps along the way, and there should be Ishtekhaara done, but once a decision is made a decision is made. If that decision takes a while to be sure of and both parties are patient to it, that is fine and their choice. If one party gets tired of waiting they are free to leave and move on.

However once both people are sure they want marriage, they should get married. Get their nikkah and move on. Long engagements are not halal because they are still nonmahram to each other that way.
 
To the lalaland inhabitants... Don't attempt to speak for her please - I do not entertain theoretical nonsense, unless I have popcorn handy.

I've said everything I needed to - she has most likely lost her chance at having a decent man as a husband this time round - pray for her if you truly care. And for the brother too.

Have a nice night in lalaland :)

Scimi
 
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Cpt.America said:
No she's right. There isn't any set time to make deliberations. There should be a wali involved in all steps along the way, and there should be Ishtekhaara done, but once a decision is made a decision is made. If that decision takes a while to be sure of and both parties are patient to it, that is fine and their choice. If one party gets tired of waiting they are free to leave and move on.

However once both people are sure they want marriage, they should get married. Get their nikkah and move on. Long engagements are not halal because they are still nonmahram to each other that way.
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Ah the same old istikhara vibe :D

I've heard people tell me they saw an elephant and took it as a sign.

3 months later - divorce talk

People these days wouldn't know a sign if it hit them square in the jaw mate.

Scimi
 
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Timi Scar said:
she has most likely lost her chance at having a decent man as a husband this time round - pray for her if you truly care. And for the brother too.

Have a nice night in lalaland :)
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A lot of options out there...

This is just a classic example of desperate men. Very unattractive.

Him: MARRY ME NOW!
Her: Can I think about it?
Him: NO I NEED AN ANSWER IMMEDIATELY!
Her: It's a big decision though, I'm not sure.
Him: HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SURE?!

sigh
 
EgyptPrincess said:
A lot of options out there...

This is just a classic example of desperate men. Very unattractive.

Him: MARRY ME NOW!
Her: Can I think about it?
Him: NO I NEED AN ANSWER IMMEDIATELY!
Her: It's a big decision though, I'm not sure.
Him: HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SURE?!

sigh
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That is not how it went down,

Do you hate men or something? I'm getting a bitter vibe from you :)

Scimi
 
Timi Scar said:
Ah the same old istikhara vibe :D

I've heard people tell me they saw an elephant and took it as a sign.

3 months later - divorce talk

People these days wouldn't know a sign if it hit them square in the jaw mate.

Scimi
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It's true that a lot of bidaa has been made and people call it Ishtekhaara.

But I wasn't talking about that stuff.

We should not slander what is Islamically advised

http://hadithoftheday.com/how-to-perform-salat-l-istikhara
 
I wasn't... where did I slander it?

I just pointed out my own observations.

that's not to say none of my friends who are married now for over twenty years - didn't do istkahara is it?

It works, if you have a sound mind... unfortunately, sound minds are a rarity these days, judging by some of the content this forum sees on a daily basis.

heck even our ex admin is engaged in picture games in Ramadhan.

Scimi
 
Anyway, back to the thread.

OP. If you are serious about this potential:

Then go to her wali talk about marriage, if he approves:
then go through the courtship process to marriage the halal way.
So start from scratch.

If you don't want to go to her wali, then you weren't actually serious about this in an Islamic way.

Peace
 
Timi Scar said:
I wasn't... where did I slander it?

I just pointed out my own observations.

that's not to say none of my friends who are married now for over twenty years - didn't do istkahara is it?

It works, if you have a sound mind... unfortunately, sound minds are a rarity these days, judging by some of the content this forum sees on a daily basis.

heck even our ex admin is engaged in picture games in Ramadhan.

Scimi
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Sorry my bro, I didn't mean to sound so harsh.
I was just trying to advise you that when you talk about elephants as signs, to please write it clearly that that cultural stuff is bidaa and not actual Ishtekhaara.
Otherwise it might sound like the actual nafl prayer is being called bidaa and confuse people in a wrong way.

I apologize if I have caused any misunderstanding. Please do forgive me.
 
Timi Scar said:
And that is my point :D

No wali - sponsor dating :D

Scimi
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Truth.
From my personal observations, doing thing the halal way not only has so much barakah and a blessed marriage.
But it definitely streamlines the process in a practical way, with the sister getting sound advice and the brother understating the family and all before hand, and whatever else is involved

Usually doesn't take more than 6 months max to make a final decision. Usually less.
 
Timi Scar said:
That is not how it went down,

Do you hate men or something? I'm getting a bitter vibe from you :)

Scimi
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haha no, I just don't like it when men get all huffy because women want to contemplate a decision that will change their lives.
 
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No probs.

You ladies can be sweet to each other, but treat us men with an air of contempt - it's kinda halal :D

Scimi
 
Seriously sister, no need to apologise - you will learn I have a very thick skin :)

I often play the fool card though, just so I can learn a little more.

Scimi
 
Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.
 
*charisma* said:
Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.
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A womans touch, is all this opinion needed, thankfully you was here to say what I couldn't relay effectively.

Allahu akbar,

Scimi
 
*charisma* said:
Assalamu Alaikum

I definitely would be against giving her MORE time. Brother should pray istikhara as well as her if she's "unsure" and afterwards take her reply. If she says no, then khalas no is no and we move on with our lives.

A woman knows when she wants to be with someone forever, point blank. If she's telling him I need more time to think about it etc. then she's having doubts or playing with his emotions. Istikhara can fix the doubts. Marriage isn't a game really. The moment a woman wants to get married, then she'll know if she wants the guy or not..its not necessarily that she needs time to "think about marriage" they're way past that. She wants to get married, but not to him. Society likes to make you think that if you like someone you will wait for them..but no, when you like someone there's no point in waiting, you go for it and you take the hardships that comes with it and suck it up and make it great. That's what marriage is. It's not 20 years of waiting and 5 years of being together. That's selfish and stupid.
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Hmm I guess what you say makes sense. Say you want to get married and a proposal is made to you, how long do you think is acceptable to think about it. When I mean is, how long can you allocate yourself to find out about his piety, character, personality, job, previous wives etc.

When my sister got married my parents and sister met with him and his parents several times. I think from the first time they met it was like 3 months before they got married. If I remember correctly.
 
EgyptPrincess said:
Hmm I guess what you say makes sense. Say you want to get married and a proposal is made to you, how long do you think is acceptable to think about it. When I mean is, how long can you allocate yourself to find out about his piety, character, personality, job, previous wives etc.

When my sister got married my parents and sister met with him and his parents several times. I think from the first time they met it was like 3 months before they got married. If I remember correctly.
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With the supervision of a wali, 3 months is more than enough to know whether or not you want the guy. You have to be smart about it and look for all the logical and important things that are required for a strong foundational marriage (Click here: 100 Pre-Marital questions). The lovey dovey stuff is nothing unless the important stuff comes first. After that, nikkah right away. I wouldn't prolong that.

I know some people are used to thinking that you need a year or even longer to really get to know the person, but if you can't figure it out within a few weeks or so then there's something wrong, like either your insight isn't that deep or the suitor has a questionable character. Anything longer than 3 months, in my opinion, is like stealing from your marriage whoever it is you end up with.
 
Assalamu alaykum

As everyone is saying, this sister is either being extremely indecisive or not taking this seriously. InshaAllah both of you guys should pray istikhara, if you are still unsure, or she is still stalling, it probably means this isn't going to work out.

Engagements should be kept short and sweet, once you meet or are introduced to someone and decide to marry them, you should be happily married within a year. I see many people saying they are 'getting to know one another' or 'figuring each other out', well you could spend twenty years with someone and still have no idea what is in their heart, it just seems like an excuse of someone who either isn't too bothered about marriage or is running away from the responsibility - both bad signs. And then the obvious fact that it can lead to fitnah or at least unnecessary free-mixing before marriage.

And ideally, if you know someone well enough or like them enough to get engaged, you should drop that and do the nikkah. :D Prolonged engagements are a waste of time in-between choosing your spouse and then actually getting married to them.
 

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