
brothers and sisters.
jazakallahu khair for your replies.
You see, the odd thing is, even up to now, i think that i do acts of kufr/shirk. but the odd thing is, i still get other wiswaas, like the ones about allah, and evil thoughts like that in geneal, for example thoughts like worshiping others, eg doing rokoo for other than allah. so i ask myself how it is possible to go have these thoughts and at the same time not be muslim. I don't get it?? this is one of the things, by the will of Allah that is stopping me from starting the OCD again.
please note that the evil thoughts about allah, occur and are at their stongest when im in prayer.
To what extend do you have control over such actions?
well brother steve, i have good and bad days. sometimes it reaches an extent where it may become an unconcious habit, that is, i don't feel like its me anymore, i know that sounds weird. Like sometimes i get OCD during wodoo, i keep on reapting my wodoo to the extent, i can't even exaplin exactly how it feels, but the closest thing i can think of is that i'm not concious that there is a me personaly. like basicallly i'm just moving and doing something in general.I hope that makes sense.
than, alhamduliah, i have good days, where i get so confused, and it gets to me that i jsut place my affairs in allahs hands. like whatever happens happens. and it is in allahs hands.
im worried that because of this OCD, my aqedah (not iman) itself will change. because the thing is, you begin to make up in your head these really weird things, such as possile reasons why this and that may be allowed, etc which as far as i know, have no basis in islam
. this is the reason why i need to kow the correct aqeedah, and want to find out about islam, but like i said before, the OCD regarding ghusl is what im afarid of.
and another thing is, even if i do do a ghusl, or if domeone provides me with an answer that im not guilty with what i think i maybe gulty with, im still gonna think of all these reasons as to why i need to do a ghusl. for example i'll give a similar situation. during prayer, sometimes i think that i have moved, and therefore not facing the qiblah, so i say to myself, okay just turn around and face it again (please DO NOT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE, i may be WRONG). but then if/when i do that, i say to myself, ohh, but you started with facing it, but then you moved, so you have to satrt the prayer again.
so, thats what i do, i start the prayer again.
my point is, is that it happens in footsteps. and thats wht im worried about. opening doors that i will find it hard to close
jazakallahu khair for all your replies.