parents and loneliness.

[AnonymousPoster]

do you feel that your parents dread you getting married due to the loneliness they may suffer once you are gone?

what i mean is that i fear that this one of the reasons that my mum seems hesitant in me and my 2 other sisters getting married. you see she is separated from my dad and my 2 brothers are mostly at work so they aren't around her most of the time, so that leaves me and my sisters mostly around her to keep her company, help her out with what she needs, etc. and i feel this maybe the reason why she is as i describes.

its not like she is against us marrying, im sure she would be over the moon, but at the same time when a prospect comes along she may get defensive/hesitant and i cant help but wonder if there is something deeper behind how she acts other than the usual excuses parents may ahve for not letting their children marry?

does anyone else's parents act like this and do you feel that it is due to loneliness? if not, why else would my mother act defensive/hesitant about marriage. is my conclusion a legit one or am i just over analyzing?

 

[Rafeeq]

Dear Bro,

The way you are thinking might be correct. But mothers never hesitate marrying their kids. As I understand when a child is born, mother starts thinking his marriage and her grand childern.

A mother must be defensive and hasitent as she always wants a safe and beautiful life for her kids. Specially, once she already had the pain of seperation.

There is one more reason which I feels is, although, you guys are around her but she is unable to express her worries to you all. Try to build a trust-worthy relation with her and get her opinion out of her heart. You will automatically reach the solution.

May Allah bless you and your family.

 

[noorseeker]

I sort of know what you mean. Mothers need to know they are wanted or relied on, when that reliance goes away, they may feel their value or worth diminish.

 

[ahmed_indian]

mabe its natural that she feels she'll miss you all. yes, you all need to give her confidence that she will still be loved and missed. and ur bro's also needs to take sometime for ur mum.

 

[Rabi'ya]

There is a kind of "philosophy" that my family works towards. "If you are happy then I am happy"
Let me give you an example...When I left home my mum was upset, but she saw I was happy and I was learning and growing as a person. It also gave her somewhere to go for a break away. She came and still comes to visit me at least once a month and I now take my daughter to visit her. So in the long run it works out well for both of us.

Another example, When my brother left home(albeit on bad terms) my mum was upset again. but now she has realised that she has much more time to do things for herself. she has picked up with old friends from school or from when we were kids and now enjoys lunch with them once a week. she also enjoys going to a local history class. she does get lonely, but I am only the other end of the phone, or an hour and half drive away so she can see me whenever she likes. But all this spare time she has she can know focus on herself and enjoying her life.


She knows i am always there for her and in all honesty we usually speak on the phone almost every night.

The philosophy works because even though we might feel lonely or a little upset, you feel peace and happiness knowing that the other person you love is finding some happiness elsewhere.

@OP when you get married and inshallah have your own house and kids. Your mother will find increased happiness. You need to remind her of this. She was not placed on this earth ONLY to be mother. she is also a person in her own right. Perhaps she could take up a hobby and feel like shes achieving something again after all this time. My mum wants to do pottery next so ill see if she gets there. maybe your mum likes jewelry making, or painting or cookery. there are many classes around. She can now look forward to having a social life without having kids hanging around. Its not such a bad thing.

InshAllah keep your mum close and encourage her to do something that SHE wants to do. because for the past 20years + shes had to put the kids first. she can now put herself first a little Give her something back after everything shes given you

 

[cat eyes]

Your mother should not feel that way. every mother wants that there child should get married. since the age of 12 my mum would always talk about it and before she died the only thing that was on her mind is that she'd never get the chance to see her daughter marry and she would not get to see her grand kids so i do not know why your mum would feel like this bro/sis i think it comes from the shaytan thats all it is! its true that parents feel loneliness buts its not like this now that after marriage your never going to see eachother again and your going to break of contact... this is some cruel western culture where they could not care less about there parents. :wa:

 

[Insaanah]

do you feel that your parents dread you getting married due to the loneliness they may suffer once you are gone?

what i mean is that i fear that this one of the reasons that my mum seems hesitant in me and my 2 other sisters getting married. you see she is separated from my dad and my 2 brothers are mostly at work so they aren't around her most of the time, so that leaves me and my sisters mostly around her to keep her company, help her out with what she needs, etc. and i feel this maybe the reason why she is as i describes.

its not like she is against us marrying, im sure she would be over the moon, but at the same time when a prospect comes along she may get defensive/hesitant and i cant help but wonder if there is something deeper behind how she acts other than the usual excuses parents may ahve for not letting their children marry?

does anyone else's parents act like this and do you feel that it is due to loneliness? if not, why else would my mother act defensive/hesitant about marriage. is my conclusion a legit one or am i just over analyzing?

You say you fear that that maybe the reason, but do you know for sure?

I know a lady who hasn't managed to find a suitable match for her daughters, and everybody assumes that she doesn't want to let her daughters go, whereas that's really not the case.

I don't know if you come from a culture where girls don't talk about this kind of stuff, but it would be nice if you could sit down with your mum and talk about it so that she doesn't turn down anything that you think might be suitable, or perhaps she can discuss her reasons for turning down a potential match with you? It would be good if you can sit down and agree what you're both looking for.

At the end of the day, I'm sure she'll have your best interests at heart

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

do you feel that your parents dread you getting married due to the loneliness they may suffer once you are gone?

what i mean is that i fear that this one of the reasons that my mum seems hesitant in me and my 2 other sisters getting married. you see she is separated from my dad and my 2 brothers are mostly at work so they aren't around her most of the time, so that leaves me and my sisters mostly around her to keep her company, help her out with what she needs, etc. and i feel this maybe the reason why she is as i describes.

its not like she is against us marrying, im sure she would be over the moon, but at the same time when a prospect comes along she may get defensive/hesitant and i cant help but wonder if there is something deeper behind how she acts other than the usual excuses parents may ahve for not letting their children marry?

does anyone else's parents act like this and do you feel that it is due to loneliness? if not, why else would my mother act defensive/hesitant about marriage. is my conclusion a legit one or am i just over analyzing?

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister it is quite natural for the mother to want the best for her children and know that she does want the best for you and your sisters. If she does become defensive then it is because she ONLY wants the best for you because of the fact that she herself has had a hard life and she may feel she does'nt want you lot getting married to someone like her husband who she may have had bad experiences with.

So she is defensive for the reason that she does not want to find you the wrong person to marry otherwise you may end up like she did divorcing and divorcing is extremley hard and very painful for anyone to go through and she does not want to risk that with her precious daughters so she is wanting to find you lot the best possible partners and that maybe the reason why you get the impression that she is acting like the way she is, she feels she is acting on your best interests.

Our mothers bless them we will NEVER be able to find anyone like them after they are gone. They are truly irrreplaceable and we should treat them the best we possibly can whilst they are still alive and mention them in EVERY dua of ours.

Your mother will inevitabley find it hard at first when one you are gone and living your own life with your husband but your mother will still feel very happy that she has done her part as it is not easy for a single mother to get her daughters married off by herself. It is also the best feeling in the world for her to see her grandchildren so don't think that she is just going to be sad and have no happiness after your married off as this is definatley not the case.

Just support her as much as you can and be there for her and always re-assure her. When your brothers marry then their wives will look after your mother so don't worry.

You will also be able to see your mother all the time and speak to her on the phone so it is not like your going to dissapear forever. So just keep re-assuring your mother and be there for her and everything will be fine inshallah.