Asalaamualaikum sis.
I went through both your threads on the forum.
I understand that perhaps your parents didn't explain Islam in the best way to you, and that is not your fault.
And from stresses at home maybe you turned outward and found solace with affection from this man, your bf. Also understandable. We are human, and the heart works that way.
Through all of this I am glad that you still hold a thread to Islam, and have room in your heart to still turn to Allah, and have not allowed arrogance to take over your heart, in the sense that you still recognize between halal and haram.
I mean, yes, what youre doing does make you feel happy, but we know it is haram.
And you are in a tough situation, a difficult test in life, where you love something even though by Islam, we know it may not be good for you.
“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216)
Anyway in my lifes experiences, personally, I guess I had something of a similar situation. I loved something that made me feel happy although I knew it was haram. I thought the good in it outweighed the bad and thaat would never end. Ultimately in the end that thing turned sour and as such all good memories associated with it turned painful. The end result was: I t was haram, and it hurt more than whatever good it had had initially. Alhamdulillah, Allah's commandments have wisdom and love, because He create us and He knows us better than ourselves. Things that are haram, ultimately hurt, both in this life and the next, so listening to Allah protects us.
Now I don't know if that will be the same situation for you ultimately, but we all tell ourselves "but it won't happen to me." And it might not. Only Allah knows. I'm just saying be careful, it might end up like that. And don't be afraid to ever turn to Allah when things get hard.
So, your family life isn't great. And thats heart breaking.
And you'll be independent soon InshaaAllah,
You need to realize what the purpose of life is.
It might not be Islam as your parents presented it to you.
But you do have a responsibility to learn about what lifes purpose is.
I just saw this video and I think it could help you. Its certainly helping me.
(apparently I can't post links as a nonfull member so I cut out the www parts)
youtube.com/watch?v=ifllgTA2pmY
Whatever you're doing, or whatever condition you're in,
(We all get low imaan, and we all commit sins. Its natural)
realize the purpose of life.
Before you start worrying about the details of Islam, work on your five pillars.
I used to complain about stuff like why can't I freemix, or why can't i listen to music, or why can't i draw faces, or why do I need to keep a beard,why should I pray in the masjid, etc.
complain for the sake of complaining about minor details.
Now that I look back, I didnt even have my five pillars in order.
I wasn't praying salaat five times a day.
I wasn't reading quran.
I didn't know really about the Prophet Muhammad SAW and his beautiful manners and his struggle
I didn't know of the prophets
or I did and I was ignoring it.
Before you worry about anything,
Ponder the kalimah.
What it means to be muslim
No one is born muslim.
The sahabah didn't even come from monotheistic backgrounds. They had to choose to become muslim. Umar RA hated Islam and was ona mission to KILL the Prophet Muhammad SAW when he accepted the Truth, and became one of the greatest Muslims in history. Kalid bin Waleed was a general in battles against the muslims before he realized the truth of Islam and joined their ranks.
Anyone who is really muslim must choose to be muslim. They must choose to accept that Allah is The One, the all knowing, the all wise, the all powerful, and the most merciful. And that we should follow His commands from our own free will.
You need to start praying five times a day.
Whatever state your imaans in.
Whatever sins you're doing.
Doesn't matter.
Don't give up your salaat.
Beg Allah for guidance and understanding.
We are lost in life without that guidance. You're young. But I guarantee you that as we get older we see that more and more and more.
Read Quran and tafseer of Quran. Read what Allah has said.
Look up videos on the Quran's tafseer by Brother Nouman Ali Khan on youtube, hes done an amazing project in regards to tafseer.
Read about the Prophet SAW.
I highly recommend you read "Muhammad by Martin Lings" order it on Amazon if you need to.
Look at why people choose to be Muslim.
The Deen Show channel on youtube has a ton of great interviews in its backlog
this one struck me:
youtube.com/watch?v=XEUNqB5mo3w
Read some of the conversion stories here, and articles on Islam
islamreligion.com/
Basically, learn about Islam.
Because I promise you, no matter how happy you are for a moment, we are all empty without Islam.
You might think that your family's behaviour may be causing that void (and it might definitely have a big contribution to it)
And you might think that being with your bf will make everything better
Or that becoming independent will make everything better
But its a grass is greener on the other side sort of thing
The body needs food for nourishment and survival
And the soul needs to worship Allah for nourishment
As long as we keep our souls starved, it will constantly seek to fill that void with worshiping something or another
-love for a person who is ultimately imperfect
-chasing after money which is ultimately unfulfilling
-popularity
-prestige
-even education
-hedonism
basically 'if i just get this one thing, or one more thing, it will solve everything'
Nothing but Islam can give us a peace of mind even through the trials of life.
May Allah bless us with guidance and away from our ignorance.
You need this. I need this. We all need this. But we have to choose it.
So please learn about Islam.
Look into it with an open mind and an open heart.
Anyone who seeks guidance, will be given guidance.
And anyone who doesn't is free to make that choice.
I hope you are well and that you find all that you seek, sis.
Everything that you're going through right now breaks my heart.