Physical Attraction in Marriage

[aadil77]

this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days

 

[cat eyes]

this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days[/QUOTE
HELLO incase you haven't yet noticed this is a forum and everybody is entilted to an opinion to help the brother just because he hasnt replied dosent mean he ain't reading btw i have seen things written far worse from other members so please why don't you keep your views to yourself instead of having a go at everybody else

 

[Salahudeen]

Attraction is relative to an individual, not every man finds the same women attractive,

there may be a women that I think is attractive and would like to marry and every other men thinks she's not attractive.

and vice versa, and this is 1 of the blessings of Allah that we all find different people attractive. Could you imagine if we all found the same type of women or man attractive?? no 1 would ever get married.

Without attraction I don't see any point in getting married, because you might still be open haraam things.

When the prophet pbuh said "when you get married you complete half your deen"

doesn't this mean you complete half your deen because your no longer open to the temptation of having illegal sexual intercourse and also looking and lusting after women. instead you can fulfill these desires with your wife.

If your not attracted to her it's gonna be hard to do these things.

 

[Salahudeen]

If you mean you don't feel physical attraction in the sense that you 'don't go weak at the knees', but you do think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking, then that is no reason not to marry her as long as she is God fearing and upon the deen. The most important quality to look for is the person's level of religious commitment. A spouse who strives to fulfil the commands of Allah and the Prophet's sunnah will be the best for you and your children to come.

I agree

It may be important if there is nothing else there and perhaps might result in a failing marriage lasting a bit longer. But if your spouse has other 'essential' qualities, then the lack of attraction doesn't really carry much (if any) weight as you feel attracted to them for more stronger and solid reasons than just liking the look of them. So, no it isn't an important consideration after all.

You have to remember men are different to women, Men are more visual by nature, if what they're looking at doesn't interest them, then they don't wanna know, but this isn't the case with women.

If it was just a case of being attracted to qualities, then many men wouldn't be single, it'd be clear cut

Man:"does she have good deen and perform wifely duties??"

"Yes"

Man: "ok set the wedding date"

but this isn't the case with men, their more visual, they have to find what thier looking at appealing. not drop dead gorgeous weak at the knee's but like you said he has to "think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking"

 

[cat eyes]

Attraction is relative to an individual, not every man finds the same women attractive,

there may be a women that I think is attractive and would like to marry and every other men thinks she's not attractive.

and vice versa, and this is 1 of the blessings of Allah that we all find different people attractive. Could you imagine if we all found the same type of women or man attractive?? no 1 would ever get married.

Without attraction I don't see any point in getting married, because you might still be open haraam things.

When the prophet pbuh said "when you get married you complete half your deen"

doesn't this mean you complete half your deen because your no longer open to the temptation of having illegal sexual intercourse and also looking and lusting after women. instead you can fulfill these desires with your wife.

If your not attracted to her it's gonna be hard to do these things.

yes this is exactly how i think and feel strongly that everybody is different. a man with a beard is important for me an he should be healthy looking(chubby) (not skinny) and he should not be to in to himself..he should keep himself messy but clean as to not attract the opposite sex but the next woman could think differently :statisfie

 

[Salahudeen]

yes this is exactly how i think and feel strongly that everybody is different. a man with a beard is important for me an he should be healthy looking(chubby) (not skinny) and he should not be to in to himself..he should keep himself messy but clean as to not attract the opposite sex but the next woman could think differently :statisfie

precisely, another women could prefer skinny men who keep themselves tidy. it depends on the person and his preferances. having perferences isn't being shallow is it :hmm:

we all have preferences with regards to other things, some of us prefer red cars instead of blue cars.

Some of us prefer cats instead of dogs

but people don't call having preferences in these things shallow

so what's wrong with having preferences with regards to the opposite gender?? I have personal preferences in every area of my life including the company I keep.

It's my preference that my company is praticing people just like my preference that I find my wife physically attractive.

Does that make me shallow??

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Finding a spouse pleasing to your eyes is not shallow at all...what I may like you may not...what you like, I may not...

Someone said earlier something about being ugly or just unattractive. Technically no one is ugly...or born ugly. Have you ever seen a baby look ugly to you. Don't you find them all to look cute? Why? Because Allah(swt) created all of us with good looks and features etc...
People just have a different opinion in looks..it's our personality/behavior that reflects on our face. For example when a person is truly pious...you see the noor on his or her face..and when i look at someone like salman rushdie, he looks evil. That ugliness we bring upon ourselves...not that anyone is actually ugly..

 

[Snowflake]

:salamext:

So why then, did the Prophet salAllaahu 'alayhi wa sallam say the following?

From Abu Hurayrah: “I was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar.” (Reported by Muslim, no. 1424; and by al-Daaraqutni, 3/253 (34))

Obviously, being physically attracted to ones spouse is important as it increases the harmony, but no doubt morality, character and taqwah is more important. But nonetheless, physical attraction should not be downplayed. One of the purposes of marriage is to help one to lower their gaze and stay away from faahishah.

I don't believe the concept of 'physical attraction' regarding marriage in Islam refers to seeing a potential spouse and feeling desire for them. Even the hadith you quoted, provides no evidence that one must feel physical attraction, but should be taken as being accepting of their looks (as in not dislike something to the extent that may dampen feelings of wanting to be intimate with them.)

The one purpose of marriage - to be able to satisfy one's natural desire has nothing to do with a spouse's looks, but the actual act of fulfilling the sexual need. This is not something that is dependant on looks. It is the fulfilment of natural urges that help lower the gaze and avoid falling into zina, not a good looking wife/husband. In fact men are very proof that a beautiful wife will not stop them looking at another women and vice versa - but the fulfilment of their natural desires will help them stay away from zina.

I agree
You have to remember men are different to women, Men are more visual by nature, if what they're looking at doesn't interest them, then they don't wanna know, but this isn't the case with women.

If it was just a case of being attracted to qualities, then many men wouldn't be single, it'd be clear cut

Man:"does she have good deen and perform wifely duties??"

"Yes"

Man: "ok set the wedding date"

but this isn't the case with men, their more visual, they have to find what thier looking at appealing. not drop dead gorgeous weak at the knee's but like you said he has to "think the girl is pretty/acceptable looking"

True! men are more visual by nature which is exactly why a beautiful wife will not help them lower the gaze :shade:

Also, we have been programmed to think we should feel physical attraction first then everything should be built around that. Non sense! Such attraction is fickle and can disappear as soon as it's felt. But the attraction that developes from genuinely liking/loving your spouse is what is we should be emphasising and striving for.

 

[penartist]

Salaam brother

as someone who has ' been there done that and got the t-shirt' as they say i suggest u think very carefully about your future. family can be pushy at times (btw ure mums criteria thing sounds like my dad..are u sure we're not related?! lol) the ultimate decision should be yours but keeping in mind that you dont disrespect your parents in any way.

The way i see things is that what's written will happen regardless so why worry too much over these things...may Allah guide us all on the right path

wasalaam

 

[Rasema]

Assalmau Alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

You have to have a good reason why you don't want to marry her. No physical attraction toward her is a shameful reason you can't tell your family.

Muhammad,sallallahu alaihi wasalam, married woman with up to six childern so he gives them shelter and takes them out of slavery.

Once you get married, even to a beautiful muslima, you'll forget about her beauty and how she looks once she agitates you and that can lead you to big problems especially in a kufr country.

Marry timid, poor, devoted to Allah.

A womans beauty can blind you and take you astray. How do you know you don't have physical attraction to her?

I don't want to know but she has the same thing every other woman does!!!

 

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

I don't believe the concept of 'physical attraction' regarding marriage in Islam refers to seeing a potential spouse and feeling desire for them.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'feeling desire for them', as I never actually used that word in my post. Do you mean looking at them lustfully and with desire, or simply finding them attractive? Looking at the potential spouse has conditions, and amongst them is that there is no fitnah involved and you do not look at them lustfully, as the 'Ulamaa have said.

If you mean simply finding the person physically attractive, then I'm afraid the 'Ulamaa say otherwise, as far as I know:

Imaam An Nawawee said after mentioning the Hadeeth of Abu Hurairah where he said:

“I was with the Messenger of Allaah when a man came to him and said: “I married a woman from the Ansaar” so the Prophet said to him: “Did you look at her? For indeed there is something in the eyes of the women of the Ansar.”

“In this Hadeeth is a recommendation to look at the face of the woman that is intended for marriage. This is our Mathhab (as Imaam An Nawawee followed the Mathhab of Imaam Ash Shafi’ee) and it is the Mathhab of Imaam Malik, Abu Haneefah and the rest of the scholars from Kufah (Iraq), Imaam Ahmad and the great majority of the ‘Ulamaa, that it is permissible to look at the face and hands only because they are not her ‘Awrah and because the face points to her beauty and it’s opposite and the hands point to the richness of her shin or otherwise. This is the Mathhab of the great majority of scholars.​

Sharh Saheeh Muslim Vol.9 P.214

Even the hadith you quoted, provides no evidence that one must feel physical attraction, but should be taken as being accepting of their looks (as in not dislike something to the extent that may dampen feelings of wanting to be intimate with them.)

The quote from Imaam an-Nawawee above highlights that the whole point of looking at the hands and face, is so that one sees whether the person is attractive or not. But of course, the whole concept beauty is relative.

The one purpose of marriage - to be able to satisfy one's natural desire has nothing to do with a spouse's looks, but the actual act of fulfilling the sexual need. This is not something that is dependant on looks. It is the fulfilment of natural urges that help lower the gaze and avoid falling into zina, not a good looking wife/husband.

I wouldn't say that's the 'one' purpose, as I think most people marry for a variety of reasons, such as having children, companionship, etc. But I must say, your point seems rather bizarre to me. Are you saying physical attraction has no importance in this matter? Being attracted to ones wife will make a man more inclined to approach her, thus being more likely to be satisfied, therefore making it easier for a man to lower his gaze. However...

In fact men are very proof that a beautiful wife will not stop them looking at another women and vice versa - but the fulfilment of their natural desires will help them stay away from zina.

...all of the above is nothing if the man has no taqwah and loyalty. A man could have 4 beautiful wives, but if he has no taqwah or loyalty then what's to stop him from straying elsewhere? But for the one who fears Allaah, then if he sees something that causes him to feel desire, then he will return to his wife. And again, being attracted to his wife will aid him in this regard. All of the above is the same for women, I would say.

Allaahu A'lam.

 

[Jalal130]

How i understood, the thread creator already spoke with that woman and still feels no attraction at all. could be really not a good choice after that.

btw Always make Salatu-l-Istikhara.

 

[Jalal130]

How i understood, the thread creator already spoke with that woman and still feels no attraction at all. could be really not a good choice after that.

or he doesnt know her enough?

 

[Rasema]

this thread looks like it needs cleaning up, whatever peoples preferences and views are they should keep to themselves, lets just keep it as advice for the thread starter who hasn't even replied in days[/QUOTE


HELLO incase you haven't yet noticed this is a forum and everybody is entilted to an opinion to help the brother just because he hasnt replied dosent mean he ain't reading btw i have seen things written far worse from other members so please why don't you keep your views to yourself instead of having a go at everybody else

Assalamu Alikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatoh

First, the way we greet is with Assalamu Alaikum and not hello.

This thread does need some cleaning up. Half of our deen is cleaniness. Not just physical cleaniness but the mind one also.

Plus, shyness is a part of iman.

And lets not talk like this to one another. Remember that Resoolallah,saw,was very shy and always lowered his gaze.

WE LOVE EACHOTHER IN THE NAME OF ALLAH.

When someone gives you an advice don't take it as an insult.

With love :embarrass

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Lol sis, when she said hello, she didn't mean it in the greeting way of saying hello....it's more like an expression.

 

[Snowflake]

Faiza.;1204611]I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'feeling desire for them', as I never actually used that word in my post. Do you mean looking at them lustfully and with desire, or simply finding them attractive? Looking at the potential spouse has conditions, and amongst them is that there is no fitnah involved and you do not look at them lustfully, as the 'Ulamaa have said.

What I meant is that some may wrongfully apply the term ‘physically attractive’ to feeling some sort of 'desire' for the person, and that is not how the hadith should be taken. Nowadays especially for some people raised in the west, it seems that unless you look at a potential spouse and go ‘Wow!’ then marriage to them shouldn’t be considered. This is what I disagree to.

If you mean simply finding the person physically attractive, then I'm afraid the 'Ulamaa say otherwise, as far as I know:

Imaam An Nawawee said after mentioning the Hadeeth of Abu Hurairah where he said:

“I was with the Messenger of Allaah when a man came to him and said: “I married a woman from the Ansaar” so the Prophet said to him: “Did you look at her? For indeed there is something in the eyes of the women of the Ansar.”

“In this Hadeeth is a recommendation to look at the face of the woman that is intended for marriage. This is our Mathhab (as Imaam An Nawawee followed the Mathhab of Imaam Ash Shafi’ee) and it is the Mathhab of Imaam Malik, Abu Haneefah and the rest of the scholars from Kufah (Iraq), Imaam Ahmad and the great majority of the ‘Ulamaa, that it is permissible to look at the face and hands only because they are not her ‘Awrah and because the face points to her beauty and it’s opposite and the hands point to the richness of her shin or otherwise. This is the Mathhab of the great majority of scholars.​

Sharh Saheeh Muslim Vol.9 P.214


The quote from Imaam an-Nawawee above highlights that the whole point of looking at the hands and face, is so that one sees whether the person is attractive or not. But of course, the whole concept beauty is relative.

As you posted the hadith in response to a question of ‘physical attraction’ which are the exact words of the O.P. andwhich mainly describes the desire for sexual intimacy, it seemed your definition of ‘physical attraction’ differed from mine. I see now, you didn’t mean it in that sense but as in finding a potential pleasing/acceptable to look at. I agree with that. However, it still worries me to think the hadith may be misinterpreted by some. :- \

 

[cat eyes]

What I meant is that some may wrongfully apply the term ‘physically attractive’ to feeling some sort of 'desire' for the person, and that is not how the hadith should be taken. Nowadays especially for some people raised in the west, it seems that unless you look at a potential spouse and go ‘Wow!’ then marriage to them shouldn’t be considered. This is what I disagree to.




As you posted the hadith in response to a question of ‘physical attraction’ which are the exact words of the O.P. andwhich mainly describes the desire for sexual intimacy, it seemed your definition of ‘physical attraction’ differed from mine. I see now, you didn’t mean it in that sense but as in finding a potential pleasing/acceptable to look at. I agree with that. However, it still worries me to think the hadith may be misinterpreted by some. :- \

it worries me also, i didn't want to say anything because i didn't want to create a war :nervous: people are misinterpreted the hadiths of our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh.

just want to say something to every brother out there make sure you have your facts correct before you start posting hadiths and then you make your own mind up about what you simply desire for yourself! when you re not hundred percent sure. remember newly revert muslims join this forum to find more knowledge from other brothers and sisters. it will create doubt in there heart without knowing what islam really means so please don't make things from your own heads

 

[cat eyes]

if the prophet mohammad pbuh intended that beauty is recommended for marriage so there would be a lot of good believing women single and that would surely not be justice in the eyes of the prophet pbuh btw when you want a scholar to interpret a hadith of the prophet pbuh it would be highly recommended to ask where he studied and what degree's he has.:statisfie