Physically unattractiveness

[uglyman]

Dear brothers and Sister in the Islam,
I am a healthy, Alhamdulillah, 38 year male and I am genuinelyas they call it an physically unattractive person. Due to my physically unattractivenessthis prevented me from completing the Sunnah of our beloved Muhammad(Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) to settle down and marry a spouse and building a religiouscommitted family based on the values stipulated in the Sunnah and Quran.
Marriage is obligated in our beautiful religion becausethere is a lot of Barakah in it and a blessing for those who understand how to obtainit (a blind individual can hear better than a seeing individual and a deaf individualcan see better than an individual that can hear). I have tried to achieve thisgoal in life but as mentioned above my physically unattractiveness preventsthis for me. As a little child, I think I was six or seven years old, that I forthe first time heard, noticeably from my aunts, uncles and even my mother, tellingme that I was ‘really’ ugly. From a young age I learned that I was going tohave a really hard life Subḥana'llah due to my physically unattractiveness.
My worst time was in high school where I was told byclassmates why I was so ugly and they even told me that everything that Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala created was beautiful than me. Even teachers took their part in humiliatingme in front of other classmates. I remember that a teacher made everybodylisten and told openly in the classroom ‘tell me from whom you got your looks?From your dad or mom so we know who to blame for your ugliness’. From thatpoint on everybody called me ugly from the ugliest and I really had no answer forthese harsh words.
In the streets people (still) verbally attack me telling methat I am really ugly even despite the fact that I hardly know them at all Subḥana'llah.Even at work colleges tell me flatly that I am ‘genuinely’ ugly and why I amthat ugly. The most awkward moment in my life was when a friend invited me overand told me, where his spouse was present, that my appearance was truly ugly.The reason why this was my most awkward moment in my life is the fact that mostfriends try to find their friends a possible spouse but instead he invited meto humiliating me. Due to my physically unattractiveness I have only a fewfriends that I only meet at the mosque.
What I have encountered in life so far is not a reason to beupset/depressive and of course I know I live alone in my apartment with nobody.And yes I want to have a beautiful life like a spouse and attain the Barakahthat comes from marriage. But on the other hand hell fire is true andpunishment in grave is true and our beloved Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi WaSallam) is true and Jennah is true and the angles are true. Alhamdulillah Ihave my religion and the Sunnah of our beloved Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi WaSallam) with examples how to deal with my calamity like my physically unattractiveness.
So when you read this don’t panic if you’re an physicallyunattractive person please trust in the plan of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala becauseAllah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is the best planner. Just look how Allah Subhanahu WaTa'ala perfected you in detail like the way your reflexes work or the bone structurethat let you walk and sit down. The lungs that make it possible to breath andmake sure you can add Hassant and your eyes crying when reading sincerely the(translated) Quran. That is far more beautiful than an pleasing appearance for 65years.

 

[Muhammad]

:salamext:

Respected brother, welcome to the forum. : )

Your post is both saddening and inspiring. But know that beauty is not limited to what we look like, but also includes what we do, our faith and hearts. Indeed, the beauty of the hearts is the one which is more lasting and precious. No matter what the people say, see yourself in a positive light. Even your username on this forum should not be degrading or negative.

I wish to share two verses with you:

O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts) and as an adornment; and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. [Al-A'raf:26]

O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. [Al-Hujurat:13]

May Allaah :swt: grant you the beauty which will help you in this dunya and akhirah, and grant you patience in all your trials, Aameen!

 

[uglyman]

Dear brother in Islam thank you for your reply but I think you must first replace yourself in someone's shoes i.e. being yourself physically unattractive before you can sincerely answer or give a proper feedback. You shared with me two Quranic verses one verse regarding wearing modest clothing i.e. covering private parts and the other verse is regarding that Allah create diversity on this earth to learn from each other. Please explain why you want to share with me these Quranic verses regarding being physically unattractive?

O Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover yourselves (screen your private parts) and as an adornment; and the raiment of righteousness, that is better. [Al-A'raf:26]

O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. [Al-Hujurat:13]

Actually you don't give 'good' advise you only throw oil in the fire for someone who is desperate in search for someone who can relate to his or her suffering. But I appreciate your feedback but someone with low exaptation from Allah will understand your feedback totally opposite what you try to achieve. The reason why I wrote this post is because most of our 'ugly' brothers and sisters try to explain their suffer in wrong words and are trapped in posts like you have to be patient or believe in the will of God etc.

Please keep it real because nowadays without barakah in your appearance it's a lost cause especially with Facebook where your physically attractiveness plays a big role. Brothers and sisters that are physically unattractive i.e. ugly know this all too well! And to give them hope you need to point out to hadith of our beloved prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) to give them comfort. I will point out to a hadith that is actually cruel but on the other hand gives brothers and sisters that are truly physically unattractive a peace of mind known that in the time of our beloved prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) that appearance was also very import like as today the case is.

The wife of Thaabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit regarding his religious commitment or his attitude, but I hate to go back to kufr after coming to Islam. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” She said: Yes. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said (to Thaabit): “Accept your garden, and divorce her (one talaaq).”

Habeebah bint Sahl was married to Thaabit ibn Qays, who was an physically ugly man. She said, O Messenger of Allaah, by Allaah, were it not for fear of Allaah, when he enters upon me I would spit in his face.

Thaabit ibn Qays (Radi Allahu anhu) was like what people would call today genuinely physically unattractive Muslim brother and the differences between him and brothers and sisters alike that are physically unattractive was that he met and lived in the time of our beloved Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). This hadith let us know that there is nothing wrong with being a genuinely physically unattractive Muslim brother or sister.

The only thing that makes them more desperate is giving them advise that will not benefit them but on the contrary will only help them not trusting in in the plan of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and that is what you must take in consideration.

 

[Scimitar]

Assalaam alaikum brother, and welcome to IB forum.

I'm almost forty very soon and not married subhaan-Allah.

What's worse is i'm not even ugly - I'm just very unfortunate due to the things I've done in my life in a past which now seems alien to me. yet, I pay now... and will continue to pay until Allah blesses me with a wife - but i'm not holding my breath - i've given up and truth be told - i'm ok with that.

Half my deen? if Allah wills, Allah knows i've tried man. And i'm fine about it too - as long as we know we did our best - we shouldn't worry about anything more than that - we keep our account with Allah and feel secure in the knowledge that HE wills.

Scimi

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, brother. Welcome to the forum.

I have few friends who are far from handsome, but they have been married. And they are not rich.

But I am not surprised if there were women who were willing to accept them. Those men are indeed, physically far from handsome, but they are nice. They always kind and friendly to anyone although people often insulted them.

Brother, what is blocking you to find a wife actually is not your physical appearance, but your own feeling. I can see it from your chosen username. You convince yourself that there is no any woman who is willing to marry you just because physically you are not handsome.

You are wrong, my brother. There are women who see a man not on his physical appearance, but on his personality. My friends wives, for example.

I understand if you feel your life is hard. But try to smile when people insult you. In Shaa Allah then people will start to see your inner beauty that reflected from your beautiful personality.

By the way, you can start from change your username. There are many other usernames that you can choose.

 

[uglyman]

Assalamualaikum, brother. Welcome to the forum.

By the way, you can start from change your username. There are many other usernames that you can choose.

Salaam my brother in the Islam! Regarding my username uglyman has nothing to do with my way of thinking but rather that is what most people say about me. I see it as a therapy to accept my physically unattractiveness so that is why I chose this username. And again I am not frustrated or depressed Muslim but rather I want our Muslim brothers and sisters to know that being physically unattractive doesn't have to mean that they are cursed but rather that Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala loves the inside and He knows their suffering.

Again your friends are indeed blessed with marriage and that has nothing to do with their smiling or being polite in the face of unprovoked aggression i.e. insults but rather with the will of Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala. Again and I truly mean this you try to give good advise but someone with no barakah bestowed on his appearance can't suddenly get married by smiling or thinking that he or she is physically attractive what you suggest is that they will get deeper in depression when they see that your way of taught is actually bringing them nothing at all.

Can I ask you this question regarding how important physically attractiveness is for both sexes? I can tell you that deen like religious commitment reading Quran, praying the daily salaats and salaat Fajr etc. is nothing compered with physically attractiveness. Because that is what brings people together and creating harmony in the mirage and Islam is their to facilitate the good understanding. And you know what Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'alaan even puts Barakah in such mirages. It sounds strange but it is the reality my brother. A lot of muslim brothers try to marry a less attractive spouse only ending up divorcing them due to the fact they don't get (sexual) satisfaction while this is the most important role of margining in Islam.

So you have to be honest because Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala loves honesty above all; can you tell a blind person that he or she will eventually see in the future? No you can't because you give them feed for Satan. You have to tell them that Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala will give them the reward on the day of judgement that is more safe than rather telling someone something that only Allah SubhanahuWa Ta'ala can know.

 

[uglyman]

What's worse is i'm not even ugly

Scimi

Salaam my brother in Islam I have even tried to marry a divorced women and so on only to be rejected due to my 'ugliness' and you are telling me that you're not ugly at all:heated:? Please go find a spouse even if she is divorced and you will get blessings from for doing that also! What do you want more?

 

[ardianto]

I am familiar with women since I was kid and I grew up together with them. I have two sisters, I have female cousins, and I be friend with women since I was kid. So I know how the women are.

How important the man's physical beauty for women?. It's depend on which women. For immature teen girls, the man's handsomeness is indeed something that can make them obsessed. You can see it on those immature girls behavior when they see the handsome pop stars.

But mature women are different. For mature women, the man's handsomeness is not something that makes them fall in love because they focus on the man's personality. Mature women will not attracted to a handsome man who cannot appreciate them, but they have big sympathy to a man who far from handsome but has good self-confidence and has good attitude toward woman.

Self-confidence. This is the secret why my friends and many other men who far from handsome can get wives. Yes, my friends were often insulted, but they fought this with smile and good attitude toward the others. It made people have sympathy to them and made the women who then become their wives were willing to accept them.

My advice to the OP and other brothers who far from handsome is, build your self-confidence and good personality, then try to find a mature woman. So you will have enough chance to be accepted. If you are rejected by a woman just because your physical appearance, do not convince yourself that you will never accepted by a woman, but just realize that you have approached the wrong woman.

Okay bro?.

 

[uglyman]

My advice to the OP and other brothers who far from handsome is, build your self-confidence and good personality, then try to find a mature woman
Okay bro?.

Salaam my brother I think you are a married for a quite long time isn't it? But belief me time have changed the mature women nowadays are far from innocent and are comparable with teens. I have encountered myself their delusion only makes them older year by year and only willing to marry off with a physically attractive male. Actually mature women are more obsessed with outward beauty than an 18 year old teen. Why? I think I have the possible answer for that as well! What do you think of Turkish opera's on TV or reality TV shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians? This turns our Muslim sisters into monsters that are obsessed with worldly affairs.

On the other hand and I think you refer to a true Muslima that has her deen in her heart is actually hard to get by and they indeed search for a stable men with confidence in his deen instead of money and worldly affairs. What I can say to you is that time has changed in a negative way look around parents are obsessed with their children physical appearance when they see that their 10 year old son or daughter has crooked teeth. Why? All for the sake to be physically attractive that is why Muslims destroy each other while there are plenty of hadith that forbid even to beautify oneself by putting gaps between teeth let alone correct them.

I am not a negative person but what I see around me I can only conclude that this Ummah is nothing more than a façade only a few are truly fearful of Allah from their hearts and the rest are positive so long Allah don't test them with a calamity. That is why more and more Muslim men and women are unable to find a good spouse and it hurts me when seeing notably Muslims taking advantage of each other for what? Only for worldly affairs noting more.

 

[Scimitar]

Salaam my brother in Islam I have even tried to marry a divorced women and so on only to be rejected due to my 'ugliness' and you are telling me that you're not ugly at all:heated:? Please go find a spouse even if she is divorced and you will get blessings from for doing that also! What do you want more?

the last one was also divorced with a 7 year old. didnt work out.

 

[Muhammad]

:wasalamex

The reason I shared those two verses with you is because they highlight the virtue of Taqwa over physical beauty, and that this is what truly honours a person and brings them closer to Allaah :swt:.

I am sorry if something I said made you feel worse, although you don't know which of us are beautiful and which are ugly. It could be that people deal with the same trial in different ways. Being patient or accepting Allaah's will is not being 'trapped', but rather the sign of a believer. Facebook should not bother you - I am sure there are many beatiful people who don't use it, so it should not cause you to feel worse.

Brother, as Muslims we do not consider any hadith to be 'cruel'. The fact that a way is made out for spouses who are harmed by staying with each other and they cannot fulfil each others' rights, this is not cruelty but rather a mercy. Consider the following:

Ibn Mas’ood was trying to break a siwaak branch from an araak tree and he had thin legs and the wind started to buffet him, so the people laughed at him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “What are you laughing at?” They said, “O Prophet of Allaah, because his legs are so thin.” He said, “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, they will weigh more heavily in the Balance than Mount Uhud.” Its isnaad was classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Sharh al-Tahhaawiyyah, no. 571, p. 418

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds. [Saheeh Muslim Book 45, Hadith 42]




Lastly, you should not say that you have no barakah in your appearance:

Beauty and ugliness are like sickness and health, wealth and poverty, and success and failure; Allah has distributed all provisions between His slaves through His vast wisdom, perfect mercy and abundant favour upon His slaves. Granting of any of those things or others is not an indication of Allah’s love for the one to whom He granted or provided those things. Nor is withholding any of them a sign of His displeasure towards the one being deprived. Allah says (what means):

“15. And as for man, when his Lord tries him and [thus] is generous to him and favors him, he says, "My Lord has honored me."
16. But when He tries him and restricts his provision, he says, "My Lord has humiliated me."
17. No! But you do not honor the orphan
18. And you do not encourage one another to feed the poor.
19. And you consume inheritance, devouring [it] altogether,
20. And you love wealth with immense love.”

(al-Fajr 15-20)

http://islamqa.info/en/178673

And Allaah :swt: knows best.

 

[legendaryman]

simple rule ,if someone making joke of your anything(such as name,height,face,shape) than ,when you are with him ,you should make joke of yourself of your (whatever it may be) before he crack a joke on it ,so that all the persons in that group will laugh on your joke or atleast on you ,this will less hurt full because there two things
1. no one is insulting you but you are making someone smile;D
2.that person will never try to make joke of your weakness(anything) ,as his intention to make people laugh (by insulting you ) will not fulfill ,as you are making yourself a laughter

 

[ardianto]

Salaam my brother I think you are a married for a quite long time isn't it? But belief me time have changed the mature women nowadays are far from innocent and are comparable with teens. I have encountered myself their delusion only makes them older year by year and only willing to marry off with a physically attractive male. Actually mature women are more obsessed with outward beauty than an 18 year old teen. Why? I think I have the possible answer for that as well! What do you think of Turkish opera's on TV or reality TV shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians? This turns our Muslim sisters into monsters that are obsessed with worldly affairs.

Salaam to you too, my brother.

I am 47 years old widower with two children. I got married in 1994 and my wife passed away in 2013. Yes, I got married long time ago. But from what I have noticed, the women are still same. I know it because I observe women around me from various age.

Mature women put the man's personality on the top in their consideration, although they still consider man's physical attraction. But how big contribution of man's handsomeness in their consideration is varies. For beautiful women, indeed, the man's handsomeness is important enough. But for women who are not beautiful?.

Okay, I will honest, my friends wives are not beautiful, but they are kind women, and my friends are happy with them.

Brother, are you willing to marry a woman who is not beautiful?. If you say yes, then there will be a woman who is willing to accept you. If you can judge a woman not from her beauty, then there will be a woman who can judge you from your personality.

Do not jealous to other men who can get beautiful women.

 

[ardianto]

simple rule ,if someone making joke of your anything(such as name,height,face,shape) than ,when you are with him ,you should make joke of yourself of your (whatever it may be) before he crack a joke on it ,so that all the persons in that group will laugh on your joke or atleast on you ,this will less hurt full because there two things
1. no one is insulting you but you are making someone smile;D
2.that person will never try to make joke of your weakness(anything) ,as his intention to make people laugh (by insulting you ) will not fulfill ,as you are making yourself a laughter

I strictly do not suggest anyone to make him/her physical appearance as object of joke.

If you want to make people laugh, it's better if you tell a funny story.

 

[uglyman]

Brother, are you willing to marry a woman who is not beautiful?. If you say yes, then there will be a woman who is willing to accept you. If you can judge a woman not from her beauty, then there will be a woman who can judge you from your personality.

Do not jealous to other men who can get beautiful women.

Salaam brother thank you for your honest answers actually I never ask beautiful would be spouses I only approach less 'attractive' (i.e. ugly) would be spouses. But you know my brother I am really honest with you if you have read my first post (topic post) you know people called me on an early age ugly. And I can testify that I am indeed not good looking. When I approach less 'attractive' would be spouses they don't find me attractive at all and to give them comfort I usually begin with my deen and they are on first-hand interested but afterwards they always say no due to my physically unattractiveness. I think it has to do that these Muslim would be spouses think they can get a better looking men if they reject me.

When I was 25 it really made me cry but as ages pass-by I can understand why I never had a chance to marry because when you're young you don't want to hear it. Now at the age of 38 I can finally live with the idea that I will be alone due to my physically unattractiveness. Most people who are physically unattractive are afraid to end up being lonely and that is also what I experienced when I was in my mid twenties. So that is why people start to hallucinated and get in panic that is why I say No don't give them answers that are meant for people who think that they are physically unattractive but in reality they are the opposite. Instead show hadith that can help them accept the Will of Allah and being alone is not a curse but a salvation on the day of judgment.

 

[uglyman]

the last one was also divorced with a 7 year old. didnt work out.

I don't get your point, but are you trying to crack a joke? I replied to him from a honest point I don't crack jokes in the middle of a genuinely conversation.

 

[ardianto]

I don't get your point, but are you trying to crack a joke? I replied to him from a honest point I don't crack jokes in the middle of a genuinely conversation.

What Scimitar means is, he has ever planned to marry a divorcee, but then this marriage plan failed after that woman decided to not marry him.

 

[ardianto]

Salaam brother thank you for your honest answers actually I never ask beautiful would be spouses I only approach less 'attractive' (i.e. ugly) would be spouses. But you know my brother I am really honest with you if you have read my first post (topic post) you know people called me on an early age ugly. And I can testify that I am indeed not good looking. When I approach less 'attractive' would be spouses they don't find me attractive at all and to give them comfort I usually begin with my deen and they are on first-hand interested but afterwards they always say no due to my physically unattractiveness. I think it has to do that these Muslim would be spouses think they can get a better looking men if they reject me.

When I was 25 it really made me cry but as ages pass-by I can understand why I never had a chance to marry because when you're young you don't want to hear it. Now at the age of 38 I can finally live with the idea that I will be alone due to my physically unattractiveness. Most people who are physically unattractive are afraid to end up being lonely and that is also what I experienced when I was in my mid twenties. So that is why people start to hallucinated and get in panic that is why I say No don't give them answers that are meant for people who think that they are physically unattractive but in reality they are the opposite. Instead show hadith that can help them accept the Will of Allah and being alone is not a curse but a salvation on the day of judgment.

Salaam from me too, my brother.

You were rejected by women due to your physical appearance?. My friends were rejected due to same reason before finally they met the women who now become their wives.

Yes, I don't want to deceive you and other men through saying that if a man was far from handsome he still had a chance to get a woman same like good looking man. I prefer to show the reality of difficulty that they must face and give an advice to pass this difficulty.

I know, there are women who want to marry only good looking men although those women themselves are not beautiful. But do you know bro?. In the end those women will be panic because they are becoming older while the men have stopped look at them. They are lucky if they still can get married.

One woman rejected my friend just because my friend is far from handsome. Now that woman still unmarried although she is almost 40, while my friend live happily with his wife and children. This is a reality that the sisters must know.

Okay, bro, I will not urge you to find a woman and get married if you don't want. But I want you to not again convince yourself that people will always look down on you because your physical appearance.

I know what people have done toward you because my friends have similar experience too. But my friend fought it with smile and good attitude toward people. Finally it makes people stop insult them. Indeed, people still see them not as good looking, but people have positive view on them. Like the comment about one of my friend. "He is absolutely not good looking, but he is a nice man".

You will not able to change your outer beauty, but you are still able to improve your inner beauty. So, try to improve your good personality. Always be nice to everyone, and always smile when someone insult you. In Shaa Allah, then people will have positive view on you and will respect you better.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams brother.

I think beauty is in the eye of beholder. There was a girl in my class at school who had a lazy eye (one looked at you and one looked somewhere else), she was very fat and also very dark skinned. She used to get bullied something rotten at school. She is married now and has 2 children mashallah. There are a family of girls who live near me, all morbidly obese. They are all married too and have children and happy families subhanallah. A lot of people on here will be able to give you examples of people who are not classically beautiful or handsome and are married.

I know some people like to go after looks and money, but these days there are also people who looks for people who have good Iman and good character. For example, in our locality, if young men go to Jamaat, then they will get head hunted that way. It has nothing to do with what they look like or how rich they are. Parents look out for people who are Imandar and have a good character. By that I don't mean people who smile a lot or talk a lot. One of my friends used to go to Jamaat a lot. His now father in law used to go to Jamaat a lot too. The father in law was very impressed with my friend and arranged for him to meet his daughter and it all fell into place.

I have no idea what you look like and whether you are ugly or not really, but you seem to be an intelligent young man. You have an excellent grasp of English and you also seem very Imandar. You have very good knowledge of hadiths etc which you have pointed out on here. Why don't you concentrate on your positives? I fully understand how awful it must feel to have been bullied most of your life about your looks, but it is not the be all and end all of it. I know it's easier said than done and I apologise if you think I or the other posters are talking nonesense. The hurt you feel is your hurt and we can't contemplate what you have been put through.

If anyone ever tells you that you are ugly, just tell them to clear off. Allah did not send them as judges and they have no right to tell you what they think of you physically (unless you ask first, but even then, they have no right to be so callous and vicious). You are the way you are, because Allah wanted you to be like that.

Inshallah you, Uncle Scimi, Ardianto and myself (and everyone else who is single and looking) will all be able to find a good wife who will keep us happy and give us a good family.

 

[uglyman]

Salaams brother.


Inshallah you, Uncle Scimi, Ardianto and myself (and everyone else who is single and looking) will all be able to find a good wife who will keep us happy and give us a good family.

Allah is the best planner and the best fashioner and the best sustainer so yes one day Insha'Allah when I read back this forum in about 10 years from now we will exactly know who has found and hasn't found a spouse for lifehew

One day I dreamed a dream that I was preparing to get married and I was frantic to realize this next step in life as soon as possible. But suddenly I realized that I actually possessed only a pair of wedding shoes and didn't have a wedding costume while I knew I had one in my dream. When I woke up I began to hallucinated where this wedding costume could be laying around. But after two minutes or so I realized it was a dream and I began to laugh and praised Allah for this beautiful reminder that the son of Adam is driven by greed.