Please help me with some good advise!

[anonymous]

Salam.

I am Muslim woman married to Muslim man for many years. We have children less than 10 years old.
I know that Muslim man can marry again if he fall in love with another woman and also keep first wife.
But what if I fall in love with another man? What to do in situation like that? I have another man in my life now and I love him. What shall I do? Please advise.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salam.

I am Muslim woman married to Muslim man for many years. We have children less than 10 years old.
I know that Muslim man can marry again if he fall in love with another woman and also keep first wife.
But what if I fall in love with another man? What to do in situation like that? I have another man in my life now and I love him. What shall I do? Please advise.

You mean you are married at the moment and have fallen for another man and you want to be with him? How did you meet him and how long have you felt this way? Have you been physical with him at all?

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, sister anonymous.

This case remind me to an attractive woman who I know since early of 90's. She was a married woman who had a boyfriend.

One afternoon, I was in her office and I saw her boyfriend wait for her. Then she left the office and went with her boyfriend. Few minutes later, her male colleague received a phone from her little daughter who wanted to talk to her mother. But this male employee replied with "sweetheart, your mommy is going to find a new daddy for you". It made me and everyone in that room laughed.

That's happened in the middle of 90s. Started early of 2000, sometime I meet that attractive woman again, but now sho looks different. She has been turn into hijabi Muslimah, she had left her boyfriend, and still with her husband.

Okay, sis. I'll be back later, InshaAllah.

 

[tigerkhan]

well i blv all ruling of islam is to protect us from fitna and problems even in this world and hereafter. surely ur feeling developed for this man bcz of excessive interaction btw u and him. if u do follow proper islamic guidlines regarding hijab/purda and mixing/talking/seeing non-mahrams, this problem never happen. now if u fall in fitna so i only suggest u istagfar/repentance. bcz marriage or partner is not something like jewellery that if u find some other good, u replace it with first. yes i know islam permits woman if she is not happy with his partner, she can take divorce but here is diffrent scenerio. u think if he fell in love with someone else and left u, will u be ok with that. islam says choose for others what u like for u.
:wa:

 

[ardianto]

There are a number of factors that lead a wife love and even make a relationship with another man who not her husband. Those factors might be came from the wife, from the husband, from other parties, or from the marriage itself.

Love and relationships with other men who are not husband is wrong, of course. And this our sister also know that it's wrong. That's why she asked for advice from us.

Required by this our sister is someone who can give her advice so she can go back to the right path, not one which can only blame and judge her.

Perhaps for many people this sister act is a very unusual thing. But not for me. I live in a big city in a Muslim country whose population is well-known permissive. I've seen a number of similar cases which the wife had relationship with another man not her husband. I even personally know some of those women. From what I've seen, not all of these cases ended in divorce. There is also a marriage that can be saved as long as the wife has a will to correct her mistakes.

Well, we just wait further posts from this our sister. Let her talk, and we'll give her good advices to save her marriage. Do not judge.

 

[Riana17]

Asalam Alaikkum Ukhtee

I have few questions:

1. How is your husband treating you
2. Have you had sexual relation with new man?
3. Is this new man a Muslim & single?

Inshallah we can help you in this process.

May Allah guide us all to the right path.Amen Ya raabb

 

[anonymous]

:wa:

1. How is your husband treating you

Husband neglected me and did not fulfill his obligations towards me for many years. Funny thing is, he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

2. Have you had sexual relation with new man?

No. I won't get into sexual relations with him while still married.

3. Is this new man a Muslim & single?

Yes, he is Muslim and single.

 

[anonymous]

Do not judge.

Jazak allah khairna for your kindness, brother.

 

[anonymous]

u think if he fell in love with someone else and left u, will u be ok with that.

He wud never leave me for someone else. I have know him for more then six months and see in him good things.

We never met also. We just in talking relationship right now. But I know he love me a lot.

 

[CosmicPathos]

in what sense did he neglect you? Do you mind elaborating? So for all that while, you kept on telling him that you love him and are loyal to him?

And while you are still married to him, you fell in love with some stupid single guy, and have him in your life?
You say your husband denies he did any wrong, what about the wrong you have done to your husband by falling love with another guy while still being married to your husband? What about the trust you have broken, while you were supposed to maintain it, regardless of how your husband treated you?

If you did not like your husband, you should have asked him for divorce, spend 4 months in iddat, and then fall in love for some guy.

 

[anonymous]

in what sense did he neglect you?

He did not provide for me nor protect me the way he supposed to. Gave me no money.

 

[CosmicPathos]

He did not provide for me nor protect me the way he supposed to. Gave me no money.

A husband is supposed to fulfill basic needs of his wife. Did he give you food? Did he give you security by keeping you in his house? Did he buy you basic clothes? or you are saying he did nothing of that?

You two have children, so I supposed he fulfilled your sexual needs to some extent.

What else were you thinking and expecting him to fulfill? Did you tell him of those expectations? And what is that way in which he is supposed to protect you? Mind elaborating? I mean there are different ways right: 1) you could say that maybe protecting means buying a safe house, or 2) protecting could mean that my husband wears an armour and shield and holds a sword and remains on guard for 24/7 outside the house?

 

[anonymous]

A husband is supposed to fulfill basic needs of his wife. Did he give you food? Did he give you security by keeping you in his house? Did he buy you basic clothes? or you are saying he did nothing of that?

He had no job and did not try enough to get secure one to provide for me and kids. He was wtihout job for more than 11 years. I do not know how I survived thro that. Allah help me and I stay with husband only for my kids.

There were times he wud go beg in masjid for money to pay rent. And also many times late fees. We were almost evicted and on the streets.

He left me and my kids alone for 9 months and did not send money for our maintenance.

 

[CosmicPathos]

This seems to be a deep issue.

Him not having a job could be due to any reasons, maybe he has psychiatric illness or maybe he has bad qadr and does not get any job or does not have any skill, or maybe he is just plain lazy.

I do not know what else to suggest. Good luck with whatever you do.

Just a general comment: one thing is for certain, as this poster's example shows to us, love between two humans is selfish. There is no "i love you for yourself" in real life. It all depends on how much that person can comfort us, buy us new clothes, fulfill our needs, our love depends on that. On the other hand, if this husband had pampered you in ways you like, I'm sure you'd love him. So all guys out there, be prepared before marrying someone and dont believe in all that "love" stuff. You wont be loved till you please your spouse on their own terms.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

My Sister you cannot trust guys like this from the internet. If he can get you to fall in love with him over the internet then he could be also doing the same thing with many other girls. Why would any decent guy do that with a married women? I have known of cases where women have known certain guys off of the internet for years and they all thought the same as you that they "knew them", but those guys ended up being nothing like what they had thought and they had utterly decieved those women for so long. You can ONLY truly get to know someone by living with them.

So sister I know you feel vulnerable and hurt but you are being very naive to get to know another guy off the internet and fall in "love" with him. This is just lust. It is because you crave what you feel your husband does not give you and that is to love and care for you and to give you the attention you seek aswell as treat you better. Every women deserves this of course but this is totally the wrong and even the worst way of all of going about it.

Sister what you are doing is totally forbidden and you are going about things in the worst possible manner. This is not the right way to go about your cravings for love and attention. You need to have a serious word with your husband about these matters and truly open up to him that you feel so unloved and neglected that you contemplate looking elsewhere. May e this will wake him up.

You need to go about this in the right manner as it is you who is in the wrong here by talking to another man whilst you are married. Rather than put all that effort into hiding and getting to know a strange man why dont you put that time and effort into trying to get your marriage to work?

Surely the only way you will truly know if things will work out or not is to put your full effort in to reconcile these issues and even get a marriage counsellor or mediator involved. If things then do not work out at least you know that you tried your best to make things work but it was not meant to be. But in order to do that you must do the right thing and that is to cut off all connection with such a man. Surely shaythan is the third person in your interactions and he is waiting you to fall into the trap of zina. He is doing this gradually and his evil plan is working as you have already fallen for him.

You must cut off contact with him and put all your time and effort into trying to make your marriage work. Sit down with him and open up and demand changes. Get a mediator or marriage counsellor involved. Ask of Allah sincerely to forgive you for falling into such a trap. Ask of him to do what is best regarding your marriage and if it is for the best that you stay together then you stay together and if not then you part ways.

So go about things in the right way that will plesse Allah and you will get peace and blessings but go about it in the totally wrong and dangerous manner as you are now then you will only get more pain, misery and anguish. The choice is yours, so choose the right path that leads to light and not this wrong path that will lead you further and further into the depth of darkness where it will get more and more difficult to find your way back out.

 

[anonymous]

Why can't I get a divorce? If I love another man then I must get divorce from my husband. I cannot have love for one man in my heart and still be with husband. This is what will be wrong.

Divorce is allowed in Islam, right?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Why can't I get a divorce? If I love another man then I must get divorce from my husband. I cannot have love for one man in my heart and still be with husband. This is what will be wrong.

Divorce is allowed in Islam, right?

You cannot get to know another man whilst you are married. You spent so much time and effort getting to know this guy when you could have put that into your marriage. Sister you do.not know anything about this random internet guy. He could be telling you a whole bunch of lies. You havent even seen him in real life nor met him and you think you are in love? Sister you are being so naive about this.

Do you really think Allah will find you a decent man whilst you are going behind your husbands back talking to a strange man? You are committing a major sin. What you are doing right now is causing the anger and wrath of Allah. You will never find happiness by doing what you are doing now.

You have children and do you really want them to suffer? Surely you should do everything you can to sort your matriage out. This internet guy could be anyone telling you a whole host of lies. No decent man would make a married woman with children fall for him. He is luring you into a trap.

Sister you are being so decieved and you must get yourself out of such a situation and cut off contact with him immediately. If you want happiness then go about this in the right manner by:

1. Doing your best to resolve any issues you have with your husband in the right manner by opening the doors of communication

2. Getting a mediator or marriage counsellor involved.

3. Getting help and advice from a local reliable and experienced scholar and taking things from there.

How could you want a divorce without even taking any of the above steps. Divorce is fine only if you have tried EVERYTHING possible to reconcile and sort your issues out. Then it should only be considered after the advice of a reliable and experienced scholar.

 

[tigerkhan]

He wud never leave me for someone else. I have know him for more then six months and see in him good things.

We never met also. We just in talking relationship right now. But I know he love me a lot.

i feel ur pain. May Allah swt ease the matters for u. but sister as u telling the details, it seems u need to visit some scholar and let him know complete situation and seek guidance. anyway think well b4 going for any step bcz its matter of not only ur life but also ur children and 2 other men.

 

[Riana17]

Asalam Ukhteee

I understand that you want a divorce, I think it is valid to ask for divorce if you can no longer live with him but change your intention. You will divorce him because you were patient enough and nothing improve and you live in pain all those years, you will not divorce because you wanna marry someone else

Second thing, let's remember that divorce will take alot of time, fastest is 3months

Third thing, going for this new man without PERSONAL reference is like jumping to another hell.

I suggest since you already know the marriage life (being not easy), so try to forget new marriage right now and seek for a proper job to support your children, the issue now is not you anymore, it is how to support your kids and sacrifice for them. Your children will stand by you and will never leave you till your last breath if you could do that, and that is worth than having another man in your life, LOVE IS SWEET in the beginning, I dont mean to be suspicious but it is human nature, a SINGLE man will not go for a married woman with kids very easily,,,


Inshallah ya Rabb you will be very careful and wise, may Allah guide you to the right path, protect you and your children. Ameen ya Raabb



P.S. I hope before divorce you can ask for a time off, stay away from him and see how is life without him. By doing so, maybe your husband will understand what he is moving and start to work hard to support and gain you back. Everybody deserves a BIG chance like that.

 

[ardianto]

Women recognize only one happiness, love and be loved. Women expect men who become their partners give them attention, concern, understand them, treat them well, etc. And if women cannot get what they expect from their partners, maybe they will looking for it from "the another man".

I was the another man.

But not in a marriage. My wife had a boyfriend when we were in friendship, but she was closer to me than to her boyfriend. I gave her everything that she expect like concern, attention, etc. Everything that she never got from her abusive boyfriend who treated her badly.

I did it not because I expect her, but because she's my friend, and I am a man who have empathy and concern to women. My friendship with her was real friendship, I always avoid physical contact.

That made her fell in love with me, and it's became a problem after I proposed marriage to "the girl from south" and the girl who now becomes my wife could leave her boyfriend. She was very jealous because she tought, another girl grabbed someone who belong to her. Frankly, I was so shocked because I never thought she would fall in love with me.

But finally fate determined, she married me after "the girl from south" left me.

Back to your case, sis. I understand if you were looking for attention from another man. I know you feel disappointed with your husband. And I will not blame you if you fall in love with that another man.

But, sis, your situation is different. You are already married and have a kid. So, you should stop contact with that another man. I know it will hurt you, but you must be strong. I know you cannot do it (leave that man) for your husband. So, do it for your kid. You are still in a marriage, remember?

Try to accept the reality that another man is not for you.

Don't worry about that another man. If you stop contact with him, maybe he will miss you. But not for long time. I think he just a man who has empathy and concern to his friend on internet, not a man who want to marry you. But his care and attention to you make you assume he expect you and it made you fall in love with him.

And one important thing. Keep your feeling to that another man and your online relationship with him as a secret. People around you do not need to know about it, because maybe they will judge you. So, if you want to seek an advice from people around you, just seek advice to motivate your husband to change himself.