Please help.

[ardianto]

I don't believe in arranged marriages

Arranged marriage is not always bad. If both parties can accept each other, they will not feel forced into marriage, but they will like each other, and finally can love each other.

I noticed, this sister can accept the man that chosen for her and she actually start to like him. I notice it from what she say about him "He is a good person, he prays regualrly and fasts and follows Islamic teachings very well"

If she could not accept that man and she really does not like him, she would not care about that man past.

 

[anonymous]

Why not talk to him about it or maybe a imam,or family member? Part of a relationship or starting one is being honest with each other. If you feel uncomfortable talking to him alone about it, then have a friend there or go talk at a public place.. no reason to be so restrictive that the first time you see/talk to the guy on your possible wedding day..Don't make him feel bad about his past mistakes, just be honest. You can't let someones past mistakes that they have seeked forgiveness for, define them.
I don't believe in arranged marriages(where a person has no choice) No, I am not saying to date, this is haram in Islam. I do believe however in getting to know the person 1st and if you feel compatible and that you like their character...etc THEN you have the choice to say whether you want to marry the person, not because mommy and daddy told you to.
Blunt but 100% true. Hope this helps you.

Thank you for replying. It's not easy to talk to him about it as you can see I have a hard time thinking about it to begin with so it makes it even more difficult to discuss. The marriage is not an arranged one I knew him for a while before but just casually and he propsed so I told my parents so he can ask my hand in marriage. It's just sometimes i think he doesn't really want to marry me for me, if that makes sense? and there is an age gap he's about 7 years older than I am. We can't go out to see each other often because my parents are strict. I know this may be a bit of a personal question but if I may ask: if you were to personally get married to a woman with no past but you have your own, do you feel you're somehow at loss or not satisfied or something..?. it's okay if you don't want to answer I totally respect that.

You are jealous, aren't you?.

Though it's hard to admit, but yes I'm starting to think I'm getting a little jealous too..it's a hard thing to experience I don't want to feel that way for the rest of my life...

So, what are you waiting for?.

Waiting for my heart to feel at peace and not have second thoughts and doubts in the midst of my wedding day...

Thank you adrianto I really do hope time will eliminate this ordeal I'm going through...

_____

I can't qoute anymore i think there's a technical error in my computer..

Brother ibnabdulhakim- I guess it's something I have to deal with

Sister Amat Allah- Thank you dear sister I think what i wanted to say but just didn't express it correctly is that i still have my doubts even though I kept praying and repeating the duaa for a prolong period of time.


I also think about my children(if/when i have them) what if their father doesn't love their mother, what if something happened and he missed one of his exes ...

 

[crimsontide06]

if you were to personally get married to a woman with no past but you have your own, do you feel you're somehow at loss or not satisfied or something..?. it's okay if you don't want to answer I totally respect th

Hypothetically if it were true, I would feel bad about doing stuff with another woman in the past, I would feel guilty about it because I know it will bother the woman I am marrying, the fact that she would not be the 1st(and only) woman I have touched. I would not feel like I'm at a loss though, I would want the person I am marrying to be a virgin(if thats what you mean by at a loss, the woman being a virgin?). I would hope that the woman I am marrying would forgive me and not hold my past mistakes against me. Personally, I would want to know how she feels about it. That's just me. Every person is different(not all men and not all women are the same) so I cannot tell you how this man will think or act.

Arranged marriage is not always bad. If both parties can accept each other, they will not feel forced into marriage, but they will like each other, and finally can love each other.

I know, I meant forced arranged marriages where the bride and groom never meet till the wedding day or the woman/man is never given a choice.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you dont have to deal with anything.

look right now ill be honet with you.


if i saw my own sister cry one single bit because of a proposal i would break it there and then. i wouldnt let my sister struggle through conflict when i know i can find a man she is happy with from beginning to end inshAllaah

i dont say this out if nowhere, i have been put in these situations in real life.

do whats best for your dunya and akhirah

 

[ardianto]

I also think about my children(if/when i have them) what if their father doesn't love their mother, what if something happened and he missed one of his exes ...

Marriage is a place where the love can arise and also can be lost.

There are married couples that very romantic when they start their marriage, but after several years they divorce. In another side there are couple who start their marriage without special feeling, they married just because they have same intention to get married, meet each other and agree. But later they feel comfortable with their spouses, and love come to them.

Love in marriage is something that should be always maintained. If the husband and the wife able to maintain love, love will still exist in their marriage. But if they failed to maintain love in their marriage, love will leave them.

Sister, if you want your husband loves you, you must able to raise his love and maintain it. Make him feel appreciated, respected, and comfortable with you. In Shaa Allah, your husband will love you and always love you.

I understand about your worry. But it's better if you don't make prejudice on him.

 

[anonymous]

^but that's sad , he has a relationship he indulged in with his heart and body but it didn't work out. I waited and resist temptations despite having the ability to do so and when i do finally get married i have to live knowing in number 2 or maybe even the alternative ...it's hard

 

[anonymous]

Can someone pleasehelp me regarding this^^. Please has anyone gone through the same experience, I don't want to go into a marriage and leave it as it ends with divorce. Please help.

 

[anonymous]

Please help. Someone anyone, please.

 

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum
You know, sometimes we have this ideal dream of how the future might be. How our partner might be, how our marriage might be, how our first night might be...?
Trust me on this one, first nights will always be akward. And it doesn't matter if he's a virgin or not, he'll feel akward to. But the truth is, if he'll treat you right, and you love each other, a couple months into your marriage these things won't even cross your mind anymore. Just focus on what is important.

As for the feeling that he wants to marry just for the sake of being marriaged. I think that's actually dangerous. In my first marriage I did the same, I just thought I'll find somebody who's religious, and marry her, and inshaAllah if we both follow our deen then things will turn out ok. This is stupid! Or saying, oh make istakhara and rely on Allah. Well I think that's stupid to. Don't get me wrong, its good to do istakhara, but you still should find out if you two are right for each other! Let me compare it with an example. If somebody would advice you to make dua against being run over by a car, and then cross the street without looking, you wouldn't follow that advice either would you? And again, I'm not saying it's bad to make such a dua, what's bad however is to rely on it and cross the street without looking. Likewise it's good to do istakhara, but it's bad to go into marriage without due-diligence. How does this person work, wath are his strenght/weaknesses is he what I expect from a partner, are we compatible. You need to examine these things.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I seriously advise you to speak to your parents/siblings regarding your fears.

I dont think anyone that loves you can let you go through with this with all these fears.


Do taubah/istikhara etc