Please please brothers and sisters help me out

[Zecht]

I desperately need your advice.

There is this girl that my mother wants me to merry. She is sweet and kind, I just don't feel anything for her, I'm not attracted to her, and yet my mother keeps nagging me on this same topic for the last 7 month now.

My mother says that love and attraction comes after marriage and if I still don't find her attractive after 2 years then I could easily divorce her.

As if it would be so easy to divorce her just like that after wasting 2 years of both our lives. I'm feeling extreme uneasy about all of this.

Please brothers and sisters help me out.
Is there any truth to what my mother is saying, does love and attraction really come after marriage, or is it just some wishful thinking?

Please help me out, I need your most sincere advice.

 

[ardianto]

People in my place say "Love comes from togetherness". I know it’s true. Love is different than just feel attracted. Love is a special feeling that comes from feel comfortable with someone. Can love comes after getting married?. Many married couple actually started their marriage without special feeling. They met and got married just because same expectation, wanted to have life partner. Then togetherness in marriage makes them feel comfortable with each other, and love begins to come. However, it would be happen only if both parties got married with their own consent, sincerely, and without compulsion.

Feeling compelled is something that will prevent love to come, even if they admit that their partners actually are good persons. Like in your case, you say that girl is sweet and kind. I am sure, actually you admit that girl is worth to be your wife. But since you feel your mother force to marry that girl, then your "self defense mechanism" build a feeling that you will never able to love that girl.

Now imagine if your mother, instead of forced you with "I want you marry that girl!", your mother just propose with "If you are interested to marry that girl, I can help you to propose marriage", would you build a feeling that you must reject that girl, or you would start thinking "She is a good girl. So, why don't I marry her?".

My advice is, if you want to follow what your mother want, you should try to change your point of view from "My mother force me to marry someone" into "My mother propose someone to me". But if you still cannot change your point of view, you should tell your mother in good manner that you will not marry that girl. I hope your mother will understand it.

I really suggest you to not marry someone if you feel compelled. It's because your self defense mechanism then would automatically build an anger in your heart toward your wife.

One again. Do not ever thinking "Yeah, why don't I try to build married life with her. Then if I feel uncomfortable, I would divorce her". Remember, she is a human who has heart and feeling. Do not equalize her with a car that you can sell again if you don't feel matched with it.

 

[Muslim Woman]

It's best to love each other AFTER marriage .

It's not a good idea that if u don't find her attractive , u will divorce her after 2 years . There is a chance that u will have a baby by that time . Then the most sufferer will be your innocent baby .


Ask Allah to bless u with a pious wife . bro , Offer Istekhara before taking the decision .

 

[ardianto]

Many men in my place married women who introduced by their relatives or friends. But very few of them who married women that introduced by their mothers although mothers in my place are known as people with unique hobby, matchmaking their children.

It's because there is different motivation behind these 'matchmakers'. If the man's relatives or friend introduce a girl to him, it's because they want to help him to get a wife. But if a mother introduces a girl to her son, Usually it's not because she wants to help her son to get a wife, but because she wants to take this girl as her daughter in-law!. These mothers just thinking about themselves.

Different motivation cause different attitude. The man's relatives or friend just propose, and if this man is not interested, it's not a problem for them. But the mother will really 'push' her son because she really wants to get that girl as her daughter in-law.

This mother's attitude, indeed, will raise resistance from her son. Her son's "self defense mechanism" will automatically order his mind to reject this 'proposal'. Even if this man realize that this girl is good enough. His mind will try to say "No!".

But it doesn't means there's no men who married women that propose by their mothers. Few of men who I know personally married women who proposed by their mothers. It's because their mothers were wise. Those mother really walked on their son shoes, not on their own shoes. They did not 'push' their children, but gave freedom to decide, accept or not accept. So, their children did not see this matchmaking as compulsion, but as help to get a wife.

That's why I gave advice to brother Zecht to change his point of view on this case from "My mother force me to marry someone" into "My mother propose someone to me". Hopefully, it can make him see what his mother do as a help to get a wife, not as an attempt of forced marriage. But like I have said, if he still not able to change his mind, he should not force himself.

I hope too, what I have written can give enlightenment to the sisters who have children. I understand if you expect your children get good spouse. But try to understand that your children want to have a freedom to making important decision for their own life. Try to walk on your children shoes, not your own shoes.

 

[the_patient_me]

I am 100% agree with Ardianto.

Should I marry her? or should I not marry her? It all depends on your point of view. Love comes from our mind, if all our point of views coincide with the situation we are in, then we can feel acceptance instead of defeat, and at your case you will feel love at the end and not regret. As Ardianto said, if you feel you are being trap and push to her, it will be very difficult to love her, as your mind will be focus on your "heavy heart and you being pushed to take your mother's preference instead of yours." If you think you can't accept her as your wife no matter what you do in the future, then do explain it to your mother kindly. The divorce is not optional here. That woman deserves better than a future husband or a future mother-in-law who think that if things wouldn't work he or her son can always divorce her after 2 years!

You know, I appreciate it that you are thinking thoroughly. Marriage might not be a matter of love at the beginning, but it must be a matter of acceptance. Acceptance will lead to love and respect eventually, and love and respect lead to happiness and contentment.

You need to ask yourself, what do I really want in a wife? What is my first priority on choosing a life partner? Should it be a matter of the heart, a matter of Iman or a matter of comfort? Are you waiting for your heart to flutter to know that is the right woman for you? Or are you waiting for that good woman with a strong Iman to be the light of your household? Or are you waiting for that right one who can comfort you physically, emotionally and spiritually? Take a paper and list all your choices clearly. Then think of that girl whom your mother wants you to marry. Check and cross out all the choices that the girl meets. So, what is the result? Can you accept her despite all her shortcomings or you are still looking for much better? It is your choice actually.

The Prophet Muhammad (salallahu alayhi wassalam) said;

"A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. " (Muslim)

And he also said,

"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. "(Bukhari)

And this one too,

"The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. " (Muslim)


I am a woman too, brother. And if I am in the shoes of that woman, I can't respect a husband who can't stand by his own choices. And if I feel love in him before the marriage, that love would be gone as time pass by. And believe me brother, no husband can stand the wrath of a woman/wife who doesn't love or respect her husband. I am not saying you should disobey your mother, explain kindly and patiently if you don't really want her. But if you think you can accept her, then do the right thing. The happiness is inside you. You can make yourself happy in a certain situation or make yourself suffer with the same situation.

 

[ardianto]

"Will I feel comfortable with this car?. Ah, easy, if I don't feel comfortable with this car, I will sell again this car and buy another car". This is what always appeared in my mind whenever I decided to buy a car.

But I was not thinking like that when I decided to marry my wife. What appeared in my mind was "I will always love my wife until death do us part". And I held this promise until death did us part. Yes, until death did us part. My beloved wife passed away on June 2013 after four years of struggle against breast cancer, few months before our 19th marriage anniversary.

We cannot get married with intention like buying a car which we can sell again if we don't feel comfortable with it. There is commitment that we should hold when we enter the marriage. Commitment to maintain the marriage and become the lifetime partner for our spouses. This includes fidelity and willingness to accept the advantages and disadvantages of our spouse.

Just imagine if we get married but later our spouses tell us "Sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you. So I decide to get divorce and I will seek a better person". Can we accept it without getting hurt?.

And if I feel love in him before the marriage, that love would be gone as time pass by.

But sis, the secret why I could love my wife so great was because I already love her since before I met her.

Okay, I explain. My biggest dream when I was young was build a marriage and live happily with my wife. I have prepared myself for it since I was teenager with learned how to build and maintain a marriage. I also had build a love for wife in my heart although I didn't know yet with who I would get married. Then when finally I found someone who was willing to marry me, what I did was marrying her and giving her the love that I had prepared in my heart.

does love and attraction really come after marriage,

One truth about love marriage. Many of love marriage actually started without fall in love before. But happen just because a man and a woman who expect to have a life partner meet each other and agree to get married.

Getting a life partner is not as easy as buying t-shirt. If you want to buy t-shirt, you can go to a shop and choose any t-shirt that you like. But getting a wife?. You may be interested to marry a girl, but if this girl was not willing to marry you, how could you marry her?.

That's why, many people who seek a life partner then change their principle from "I should get someone who I love" into "I will love for someone that I can get". This is the principle which then makes them able to build a love in marriage although they didn't have special feeling toward their spouse before.

But remember, it will not happen if you feel compelled to love someone.

 

[the_patient_me]

But sis, the secret why I could love my wife so great was because I already love her since before I met her.

Okay, I explain. My biggest dream when I was young was build a marriage and live happily with my wife. I have prepared myself for it since I was teenager with learned how to build and maintain a marriage. I also had build a love for wife in my heart although I didn't know yet with who I would get married. Then when finally I found someone who was willing to marry me, what I did was marrying her and giving her the love that I had prepared in my heart.

Masha Allah. Somehow, I could relate to this, “loving your future husband or your future wife whomever might he or she be with all your heart and preparing yourself to maintain and build a fruitful marriage with him or her.” This should how we think. Theoretically, arrange marriages would work, especially when both parties have this kind of mentality. In your case you have already proven it. I sincerely offer my condolence with the passing of your wife.

The Qur’an says,

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. “Truly, to Allah we belong and to him we shall return” (Qur’an 2:156)

The Qur’an also states;

“And certainly, we shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to as sabirun (the patient)” (Qur’an 2:158)

Let us make du’a that may Allah guide us on everything we do, The problem with us, the younger generations, we tend to have a superficial definition of love and marriage. Especially in the modern world, there are many movies and other medias who thwart our mind “subconsciously” on how to love and how we should marry. Most of the times, we tend to forget the lessons we can find in the Qur’an and in the hadiths. Not all parents can guide their sons and daughters on what path should they take. Why should they take it and why they shouldn’t. Regardless, it is our responsibility to educate ourselves on the teachings of the Qur’an and hadiths.

When it comes to marriage and other things, there is no greater teacher who can teach us but the Qur’an and hadiths as well as the lessons that are shared by those Muslims who have already experience the deed first hand. So, I thank you all for the lessons I have learned here.

PPS:

And if I feel love in him before the marriage, that love would be gone as time pass by.
​

I am merely putting myself on the shoe of the woman whom his mother wanted him to marry. Mothers who matchmake their sons to a certain woman, usually know and acquainted to that woman. And often than not, the mother knows that the woman has some feelings for his son so she is trying to be a matchmaker even though she knows that the son don’t have any feelings “yet or so she thinks” for that woman.

So, speaking in the woman’s point of view, most of us think romantically. We want to know that the husband at least has some feelings (even just little) for the wife or that he was not just being forced, compelled or pushed, that’s why he married the wife. Women are fragile, their feelings can hurt easily especially by the one whom they held in a high esteem and most of the times they don’t show it literally, they show it in other ways “subconciously” like from being sweet to cold and distant, then it would linger and the attitude would affect other things in the marriage later on. And then it would be worst. May Allah protect us from that. That is why, it is very important to marry a girl or a guy who is pious, because when there are challenges in the marriage that nobody can avoid, rest assured that your partner will do what is best for both of you and not just best for himself or herself.

So, for those who have problem like our brother Zecht, consider what our fellow brother Ardianto said.

1. You should not feel being compelled, pushed or forced before you marry. If you can find it in your heart that you like and you can accept what you are doing, then please do so.

2. Like the Qur’an and our Prophet said, marry the one who is pious. Rest assured that he/she will do the things that would please you inside your marriage, so long it doesn’t contradict the teachings and principles of Islam.

 

[ardianto]

Masha Allah. Somehow, I could relate to this, “loving your future husband or your future wife whomever might he or she be with all your heart and preparing yourself to maintain and build a fruitful marriage with him or her.” This should how we think. Theoretically, arrange marriages would work, especially when both parties have this kind of mentality. In your case you have already proven it. I sincerely offer my condolence with the passing of your wife.

My mother was indeed, pushing me to marry the girl that she proposes, and it caused tension between me and my mother. But my marriage was not arranged marriage.

My mother allowed me to marry a girl by my own choice, but when finally I found a girl, my mother did not approve her. It made that girl family felt hesitate to marry off their daughter to me. And the problem was going bigger after my mother started to push me to marry another girl, my ex-classmate in high school. Finally the girl that I wanted to marry decided to not marry me.

End if the story? I married my ex-classmate. However, it's not because pressure from my mother, but because I was sure she could love me and become a good wife. Yes, my mentality which "I will love my wife whoever she is" really helped me to love my wife.

Jazakillah khayr for your condolence sis. In Shaa Allah, I will always try to be a good father for my children as reflection of my love to my beloved late wife.

 

[chatfriend]

Salaam

I am new to this forum and i had issues regarding marriage.

I totally agree with you that its not easy and wise to marry then after 2 years divorce.

I would like to know what happened to your case. Did you go fwd or not?

 

[ardianto]

Salaam

I am new to this forum and i had issues regarding marriage.

I totally agree with you that its not easy and wise to marry then after 2 years divorce.

I would like to know what happened to your case. Did you go fwd or not?

Wa'alaikumsalam. Welcome to the forum, brother.

The OP is not active since 2014. The post that you have read is his last post in the forum.

Do you have problem regarding marriage issue?. If you need advice and support you can make new thread in this section.