Please put yourself in the SHOES

[anonymous]

Hello all

Situation:

A Muslim Man - not very ideal because he hangs out with boys & girls
He had girlfriends ofcourse zina
Go to Disco once in a while
Most people find him nice personality and he is praying, fasting and I think all the basic requirements of Islam

Now he married, the marriage is good, its been years.
The wife is not perfect as well as the husband and mashallah their lives is peaceful you can say and happy

Now, for almost 2years
The wife accidentally searching in FB and found her husband in discos dancing with girls
he promised he'll change, they agreed she wont spy, she trust him
After months again, she searched and she saw him with double date (with one woman as his ex gf)
she forgive
they reconcile
Now, she saw him again in group dates - with his brother, friends and many other girls

It is very hard situation because in the end of the day, the man is treating her nice, there is no evidence of zina but the wife feels that husband is not respecting her. His photos are floating everywhere in FB and he thinks she's wrong to spy, he said and the wife has no doubt he sincerely love her, he is there for her everyday and stands by her and do what a husband should do, but as a wife, she is not happy and comfortable this way, is she demanding for perfection?


If you are a husband, what do you think you should do

If you are a wife, how you will make him walk straight? when you are clear with what you want but he never change

To All, is this enough reason to consider divorce?

 

[- Qatada -]

:salamext: Because the woman says her husband does care for her, maybe she should have a proper deep discussion with him about how she feels when she continuously sees him breaking his promises? And to ask him what marriage means to him (because marriage is supposed to show loyalty to each other.)

 

[ardianto]

Do they have kid?

 

[anonymous]

no kid, now he told her give him time to change


same story

 

[- Qatada -]

:salamext: Ask a knowledgable brother here called Ayman bin khaled for advice; http://ahlalhdeeth.com/vbe

 

[syilla]

if it the pass then its the pass no need to go over about it. but its the husband responsibility to pity the wife and try to win her heart back. so may Allah make the both of them happy till hereafter

 

[ardianto]

no kid,

If the wife want to divorce, now is the right time because they have no kid. But make divorce as the last option if this marriage cannot be saved.

I do not suggest a divorce, especially after I read a post from sister Syilla.

they agreed she wont spy

Do not spy, but watch from close range. Do not give a chance to the husband to repeat his mistakes again. If the husband wants to hang out with friends, then the wife should go with him. Not only to prevent the husband do something wrong, but also to make him realize that he's not alone anymore, but has tied up with a life-partner.

But it would be better if she does not just follow where the husband go, but take the initiative to go with her husband, such as romantic dinners, shopping together, go on vacation together, or just visiting friends or family. Need to spend more time together to build a togetherness.

I saw one of the factors that cause this problem is a lack of togetherness between husband and wife. Husbands spent many time with his friends while his wife was elsewhere.

 

[Flame of Hope]

If you are a wife, how you will make him walk straight? when you are clear with what you want but he never change

To All, is this enough reason to consider divorce?

Okay, you asked. ;D

Yes, I WOULD consider that enough reason for divorce.

I wouldn't want to live with a man who has no respect for my feelings. I have my dignity.

 

[anonymous]

Hello all, thanks sisters Qatada and syilla, they are helpful

Bro ardiant its very gppd advise coming frm you

the update to couple
they didnt talk for 4days, husband stayed in house of mom
at first he dont like to be forced but wife said this is biggest favor she will asked hm not to seatwith that group of friends anymore
he said he swear he didnt like them taking photos
u knowhe just grow up mingling with men and women
not a strict religious
and wife could prove that he didnt had any relation or else she will not be home everyday and also woman will bother his phone
also the wife is convert muslim, she had relations before too and he accept that

now i wish i can gve them tips on how to have good time together
his group of frends are not ideal for wife, she dont like them, discos etc she dont like at all
also she had bad experiences with friends in real life so she has very chosen frends and they are busy people

Sis riham i respct your opinion, but as we all know divorce is easy to tell but will kill you into pieces

the husband is very nice, he has lots of patience for her for his family but environment made him like that
also all the women on the dates are later on found out that either wife or gf of his friends so nothing going on really

but when the wife saw the pictures, she jumped to conclusion and in the end still painful

but alhamdullillah they settle things out, and will work it out


P.S. the man never promised anything the whole marriage except this, so inshallah may Allah help to make relations grow.Ameeeeen


ANY TIPS pls?

 

[anonymous]

*** cant edit
too many spelling error

or else HE WILL NOT BE HOME everyday (not she)

thank you everyone

 

[Flame of Hope]

Sis riham i respct your opinion, but as we all know divorce is easy to tell but will kill you into pieces

the husband is very nice, he has lots of patience for her for his family but environment made him like that
also all the women on the dates are later on found out that either wife or gf of his friends so nothing going on really

Yes, divorce should be the last option to consider. But when it comes to matters of being faithful, a man should have eyes for no one else but his wife.

If the husband continues intermingling with other women in that fashion, I'd most certainly get a divorce... BEFORE having any kids.

I can deal with anything... but not the unfaithfulness of my husband. I cannot live with a man I do not trust.

This is how I would handle it. Of course, I'm not saying that others should do the same.

 

[ardianto]

It seem like the husband is a person who love to have activities out of the home, and the wife is a person who love to stay at home. Yah, this is the unique thing in a marriage, two persons with different character and personalities try to adapt each other.

Marriage is a new phase in life that require people who enter it to change their way of life. If before marriage, a man was free to go anywhere, anytime, with anyone, then after marriage he should begin to rein his freedom. It is this which can not be done by the husband in this case. The husband still go to the disco as it was before he got married.

The husband did this because he has not realized that he was no longer allowed to so freely as before he got married. And in this situation, is the wife duty to remind the husband that now he is in jail.

Jail? .... yes, jail. Marriage is like a jail for a man, for me too. I have been married for more than 17 years and still regard marriage as jail. But I am happy to live in this jail, and I love the jail guard.

That's what the wife should do, make the husband feel happy in his 'jail'. Do not only force the husband to stay at home while the wife is busy with herself. It will make the husband feel alone, feel bored. So, try to build a togetherness to make the husband realize, he is not alone in this 'jail' but accompanied with the 'jail guard' who always care on him.

Togetherness can be build from simple things, like cooking, in example. Try not to cook for the husband, but cook with the husband. There is difference between the wife busy in the kitchen alone while the husband wait alone, and the wife and the husband are busy together in the kitchen. The second is better to build a togetherness.

In this case the wife should active to make activities which can be done together with the husband, like shopping, go to the beach, or visit friends. Choose to visit friends who have been married, and introduce her husband to her friend husband. So, they can build inter-families friendship.

I agree, the wife must forbid her husband go out with that Disco Lover group. They are not the right friends for her husband. But do not forbid the husband from friendship with other friends. And ask the husband to introduce her to her husband friends, especially friends who have been married, so they can build inter-families friendship too.

From my experience, have friends in inter-families friendship is very useful, they can be the advisor when a family is in trouble.

And like I have said, the husband seem like a person who love to have activities out of the home. So, if the husband has a hobby, let him do this hobby as long as not dangerous hobby. In example, if the husband like football, motivate him to play football, it can prevent him from doing wrong activities.

.

.

Oops, almost forget. There is a problem between them. The husband did not talk to the wife in last 4 days, and stayed in his mom house.

Okay, tell the wife, do not wait until the husband back to the home and talk to the wife again. But the wife should take initiative to talk and make a peace. Forgive the mistakes that made by the husband, pick him to go home, and start the normal life again.

Actually, all of these problems are caused because they are still in the adaptation period and still in learning process to build a happy family.

Tell that sister, don't worry, her marriage is still can be saved.

 

[anonymous]

Ardianto Brother
That is so wonderfule advise, mashallah you are one great doctor

May Allah reward you, pls do continue sharing your experience with us

You could save a marriage

I have noted the tips and will mention her
the man does not like sports except tennis sometimes
he dont enjoy seating in restaurant,

yes in this 4days the husband tried to come home but she wouldnt allow her and now they reconcile 100% just like nothing happen, they love each other and oh I forgot to mention

the wife was a convert and she had flings before too, many boyfriends but he love her so much


Infact the man love the wife more than she does

Insha Allah marriage will work out.Amen

 

[ardianto]

yes in this 4days the husband tried to come home but she wouldnt allow her and now they reconcile 100% just like nothing happen, they love each other and oh I forgot to mention

The problem is over? ....... Alhamdulillah.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Hello all

Situation:

A Muslim Man - not very ideal because he hangs out with boys & girls
He had girlfriends ofcourse zina
Go to Disco once in a while
Most people find him nice personality and he is praying, fasting and I think all the basic requirements of Islam

Now he married, the marriage is good, its been years.
The wife is not perfect as well as the husband and mashallah their lives is peaceful you can say and happy

Now, for almost 2years
The wife accidentally searching in FB and found her husband in discos dancing with girls
he promised he'll change, they agreed she wont spy, she trust him
After months again, she searched and she saw him with double date (with one woman as his ex gf)
she forgive
they reconcile
Now, she saw him again in group dates - with his brother, friends and many other girls

It is very hard situation because in the end of the day, the man is treating her nice, there is no evidence of zina but the wife feels that husband is not respecting her. His photos are floating everywhere in FB and he thinks she's wrong to spy, he said and the wife has no doubt he sincerely love her, he is there for her everyday and stands by her and do what a husband should do, but as a wife, she is not happy and comfortable this way, is she demanding for perfection?


If you are a husband, what do you think you should do

If you are a wife, how you will make him walk straight? when you are clear with what you want but he never change

To All, is this enough reason to consider divorce?

Asalaamu Alaikum, I am not married so maybe my advice won't be as affective. But the way i see it the man does need to start to act like a proper husband and stop acting like he did before he was married. Fair enough that is how he grew up mingling and socialising with women and going out to clubs and bars etc but it doesnt mean that he should continue living in such a way. He should think to himself that he has had his time of doing such things and also the fact that such activities are a major sin and can lead to other major sins. Therefore he should now fear Allah and resolve to get rid of such a lifestyle and instead turn to Allah.

Anyone who claims to be able to do such things and not fall into other major sins is decieving themselves. Once one puts themselves into danger then they will remain on dangerous grounds until they get themselves out of danger. So when he steps into a club, bar or socialises with women then he has put himself in greater danger and he will remain in danger until he stops going to such places or mixing with women.

His wife has every right to be hurt at his actions because he is acting selfishly and only thinking of himself and following his desires. His wife should not aggravate the situation by spying on him as this will not help their situation. Instead his wife should try and ensure that he fills his spare time by doing good and useful activities like going to the gym, sports, going to the majid, lectures, Islamic courses.

She should get him to spend his free time with her, either going out to eat or going to the park or some nice scenery, walks, or drives together etc. She can also put on beneficial lectures about death and the hereafter in front of him so that he gets the fear of Allah in his heart. There is nothingbetter than destroying the pleasures of this life than to mention, thnk and talk about death and the hereafter.

His wife needs to try and get him to open up, se neds to keep the doors of communication open. She also needs to remain patient and not shout or argue with him nor attack him as this will not help any situation. She needs to be firm though and share her feelings with him and even cry to him explaining to him how much this is hurting her etc. She needs to get him to open up about why he feels the need to go to such places and mix with such people. She should explain that if he really cared for her then he would stop going to such places and mixing with such people and the fact that what he is doing is a major sin and what if he was to die in such a place?

So she should keep communicating with him. She should also not argue or attack and certainly not spy. She should do her best to et him to fill his spare time doing good and beneficial activities and to also spend it with his wife. She should certainly get him to listen to lectures about death and the hereafter and even give him a book or some lectures as gifts maybe which he can listen to in his car on the way to work etc.

She should ask of Allah to give him guidance and to make the marriage happy ad one where both have fear of Allah and both strive to do everything to please Allah and keep away from anything which angers or displeases Allah.

May Allah do what is best for them. Ameen

 

[ardianto]

She can also put on beneficial lectures about death and the hereafter in front of him so that he gets the fear of Allah in his heart. There is nothingbetter than destroying the pleasures of this life than to mention, thnk and talk about death and the hereafter.

She should certainly get him to listen to lectures about death and the hereafter and even give him a book or some lectures as gifts maybe which he can listen to in his car on the way to work etc.

Assalamualaikum, sister anonymous and brother Hamza.

I just want to add something. Like brother Hamza has said, put beneficial lectures in front of the husband, and get the husband to listen to lectures. I totally agree with brother Hamza.

But I write this post to remind, because there's a common mistake that made by the wives in same problem, they gave lectures to their husbands. Don't do it, it will make the husband feel his wife does not respect or appreciate him. This is the nature of men that wives should understand.

I give few tips. Buy Islamic books or CD/VCD, but don't let the husband know that the wife buy it for him. The wife must read/listen/watch first. Then tell the husband "My husband, this book is very good, you must be like it", then give that book to the husband. And special for CD/VCD, the wife should accompany the husband when the husband listen/watch that CD/VCD.

When the husband start to have interest to that book/CD/VCD, the wife can invite the husband to buy more Islamic books/CD/VCD. Or the wife can ask "Do you want me to buy other Islamic book/CD/VCD". If the husband say "Yes" the wife can buy. But for the first time, do not ever only buy, then give that book to the husband while say "You must read it" it's same like give a lecture to husband.

And if any Islamic lectures which open to men and women, the wife can ask her husband to attend together. This is the first step to motivate the husband to attend in Men Only Islamic lecture.

My wife has a friend who married an Islamic teacher. One day my wife introduced them to me, then we made inter-families friendship. Sometime I and my wife meet them, and besides chat, they also gave us Islamic lectures. Make inter-families friendship with Islamic teachers or religious Muslims is very useful to distance ourselves from wrongdoing. That's why I said inter-families friendship is very useful.