Poem... feel free to critique

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aminahjaan

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:sl:
This is the only thing I'm fairly good at here we go: (Oh and uhm it's not about anyone in particular, it could be about anyone, even yourself)



his hard cold unreadable eyes hidden underneath lies are the only way to keep him alive.
They slowly melt, healing him, whispering peace, a way to get out.
to be content, without worry in his head.
underneath the cages of his ribs his stony heart, covered in mounds of ice is now thawing.
even though on his face no physical flaw, no fault, immortally flawless.
now differing to the good side, but that doesn't make him clawless.
then he wouldn't have to confess about his dark past, pitch black buried and resurrected, as if it was the end of the world.
everyday he felt as if he'd hurled.
Shady,
leaving the city of darkness and entering the city of peace but no one there to pick him up fix him up independently breathing.

desperately needing someone or himself...so his stony eyes could heat, so his bony hands could soften ,so his burly appearance could relax, bounce back rough past, even though he didn't act nicely he isn't the guy he used to be still appears to be frightening not the man I used to see, so strange so hurt so ICY.

:w:



whatt you think?
 
:sl:
Good to see a deep poem on LI rather than those rappy things most people do! Kudos to you!

Just. One. More. Post! I WILLL conquer the top threads!
:w:
 
Thanks so much for all the positive feedback :)

I wrote another one, which might not be as good, but hey, I'll give it a try..
It doesn't have a name.

He stands beside you
Always there with you
Whispering in your ear
The reason for your tears
Slowly tearing your life apart
Diligently drawing the black hole in your heart
A prowler from the start
The reason for your fights
He's your sleepless nights
So you do something right
And he comes back to bite
He's using you
He's mentally abusing you
Feeding on your brain
Though on the day of judgment he'll make you take the blame
Now that's such a shame
Your inner beast was far from tamed
Your attempt at innocence was extremely lame
Manipulating you, into thinking life's a game
"It's short," He says "So why don't you make it fun"
He's right in a sense, because for you it's already done.
No one to turn to
The truth right in front of you
No one to hear your plea
He says, "You messed up, not me"
You're alone now, because he left silently.
You realize how stupid you were
So now you pay the fee
Silly, haven't you heard the truth will set you free?
 
aminahgorilla said:
Thanks so much for all the positive feedback :)

I wrote another one, which might not be as good, but hey, I'll give it a try..
It doesn't have a name.

He stands beside you
Always there with you
Whispering in your ear
The reason for your tears
Slowly tearing your life apart
Diligently drawing the black hole in your heart
A prowler from the start
The reason for your fights
He's your sleepless nights
So you do something right
And he comes back to bite
He's using you
He's mentally abusing you
Feeding on your brain
Though on the day of judgment he'll make you take the blame
Now that's such a shame
Your inner beast was far from tamed
Your attempt at innocence was extremely lame
Manipulating you, into thinking life's a game
"It's short," He says "So why don't you make it fun"
He's right in a sense, because for you it's already done.
No one to turn to
The truth right in front of you
No one to hear your plea
He says, "You messed up, not me"
You're alone now, because he left silently.
You realize how stupid you were
So now you pay the fee
Silly, haven't you heard the truth will set you free?
Click to expand...

As salaam alaykum

I like this one even more thna the first. Great job sister! :thumbs_up

You know, I've always wanted to write poetry, and I become surprisingly poetic in times of emotion, but I lose it all when I sit down and try and write.

Is there anything you would recommend one could do to attain some of that inspiration? Or is it a gift one is born with? :(

Wa salaam,

Armand
 
Armand said:
As salaam alaykum

I like this one even more thna the first. Great job sister! :thumbs_up

You know, I've always wanted to write poetry, and I become surprisingly poetic in times of emotion, but I lose it all when I sit down and try and write.

Is there anything you would recommend one could do to attain some of that inspiration? Or is it a gift one is born with? :(

Wa salaam,

Armand
Click to expand...

Thanks :)

Come on now, like everyone can write poetry you just have to feel some emotion. You can't just sit down and be like "Dang, I need to write some poetry"

You have to feel something, basically take your heart and brain and smoosh it on your paper and there you have poetry.

Keep it in your brain
like when something happens start saying stuff in your brain and make it sound beautiful, yup all those vocab words you learned in 9th grade will pay off for you. Then say hmm what flows with this. Use personification.

And make things flow really nicely

Such as:
in one of my poems I used

"You can never find shade from the sun of life"

Look at some poetry and possibly some freestyles without beats
and cussing haha,
freestyle is absolutely intriguing.

But poetry for me I just sat down and started writing it, but it's not like no one can.

So don't sweat it :)
 

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