Polygamy in Islam

[ardianto]

If a woman meet a man who she like, and this man already married, she would not mind to become his second wife because she has prepared herself for this. But if a woman get married with expectation to become the only wife, but then her husband married another woman, it would very hurt her feeling because she wasn't ready for this. Different than if this woman has prepared herself to accept another woman when getting married.

So my advice to unmarried brothers who intend to have more than one wife, you should be honest when you propose marriage. Tell her that after getting married you will have another wife. If she doesn't mind, just marry her. Do not ever lie to your first wife through make her think you will not marry another woman but then you get married again. It will hurt her heart.

Be honest. Let the woman you intend to become your first wife know that you want to have more than one wife. And the way to tell it is through her wali when you propose marriage. Tell her wali "Sir, I intend to marry your daughter, but after I married her I will take another wife". Wait for answer from her and her wali. If they do not mind with it, Alhamdulillah. If not?. It's not your luck.

 

[greenhill]

Salaams.

If we were to look purely in the context of the ruling and not emotions, I would propose a slightly different angle. (I come from a polygamous family).

If we were to look at the messages in the Books, we will find fundamental increments in the teachings. The Zabur is about tauhid, the Torah about human ways (to do unto others....) the Bible teaches forgiveness, hence with that the Quran laid the laws for living in a society.

The Quran emphasises to take care of the weak. Who are they in a society? The widows and orphans. If there were no widows or orphans in any society, it would be a pretty strong one. Nobody gets left behind.

That's all on my thoughts. The rest is up to the individual looking at the polygamous relationship.


Peace :shade:

 

[Abdul Rafay]

Salaams.

If we were to look purely in the context of the ruling and not emotions, I would propose a slightly different angle. (I come from a polygamous family).

If we were to look at the messages in the Books, we will find fundamental increments in the teachings. The Zabur is about tauhid, the Torah about human ways (to do unto others....) the Bible teaches forgiveness, hence with that the Quran laid the laws for living in a society.

The Quran emphasises to take care of the weak. Who are they in a society? The widows and orphans. If there were no widows or orphans in any society, it would be a pretty strong one. Nobody gets left behind.

That's all on my thoughts. The rest is up to the individual looking at the polygamous relationship.


Peace :shade:

Just thought I'd share this fairly balanced discussion with Shaikh Faraz Rabbani on polygamy. It also refers to your points raised.

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC3EoR3gOF0

 

[greenhill]

Just thought I'd share this fairly balanced discussion with Shaikh Faraz Rabbani on polygamy. It also refers to your points raised.

Really? Perhaps I would take a look... but I am not for or against polygamy. I believe very much that it depends on many factors.

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

It is hard to say what it causes. I have, at the end of the day benefitted from it as I now have siblings that are very close to me and we help each other out a lot.

What I see is this. Often we would question Allah's laws. We feel 'uncomfortable' with it and our emotions get in the way. Islam is about submitting to the Will of Allah. Not about feeling comfortable. We are often tested and that is really not comfortable, but we ought to always remember that if we dealt with those tests with patience, the reward is ours to gain. Only, we do not know what they are (the rewards). But more often than not, we do not treat these tests with patience.

More to the point, too often the men chooses to get involved in a polygamous marriage for the wrong reasons.

Peace :shade:

 

[Abdul Rafay]

It is hard to say what it causes. I have, at the end of the day benefitted from it as I now have siblings that are very close to me and we help each other out a lot.

Its not hard to know what it causes. Scholars have known about the societal harms of polygamy for a long time. Its why many have advised against it.

In fact the eminent late Hanafi scholar Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi, despite being married to two wives himself, gave the fatwa that the general ruling for polygamy was that it was haram for the Muslim men of India in his times. And that was because of the immense harms of it, which have worsened immensely now in our times.

Of course there have always been exceptional cases like your family's but such stories are far from being the norm.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum all,


Hmm, there are many interesting points in this discussion. First off, I'll mention that I watched the video recommended. “Fairly balanced” is not the way I would describe it. There were three people who were dead against polygyny, and one who perhaps had some very interesting inputs into the conversation,but who unfortunately couldn't adequately participate because he didn't speak English. The question of the harms suffered by older,divorced and widowed women (and their children) asked by the moderator was completely ignored by the panelists.


There was a lot of emphasis on the laws of Canada in this video...well, this is my home country, and even more, this is my home province, and I've already mentioned in a previous post (in the Law of Islam vs Law of the Land thread) that there are ways to protect the second wife under existing legislation. Also, there are polygnynous marriages in some religious sects (non-Muslim) in Canada, and no one dares touch them; frankly,if this was taken to court, there is a distinct possibility that the polygynists would win. And this is why no one dares take it to court. You know, here in Canada, we don't like to fight. People may have opinions on things, but we don't like to be confrontational. We all try to (more or less) respect one another and mind our own business (smile. Though if you base your knowledge on what is said anonymously on discussion boards, you might not think so! But in real life, this is so).


I believe that I have repeatedly stressed in previous posts that the interests of all parties concerned should be looked at. But it seems to me that there is a falling back onto stereotypes, especially of: the lecherous husband, the sweet and kind first wife, the opportunistic second wife and the laws of the “West”. Or, (smile) the stereotypes of the distressed second wife, the hard-hearted first wife, the gallant husband and the perfect Islamic state).


In reality, life is more complex than stereotypes. Husbands can be lecherous, yes. And they can also be decent human beings, too. I know a woman of 49 years with three grown children (one needs full-time care, though), who could not be described as pin-up girl material. But she has a sweet heart. A man wanted to marry her. Do you think he was motivated by simple lust?


The second woman is seen as opportunistic, and will do anything to “get” the man. Well, this isn't necessarily true, either. The above-mentioned friend would not marry without the permission of the man's first wife. The first wife refused. So, though she liked the man, and really would very much like to marry, she didn't marry him.


But was the “sweet and kind” first wife at all gracious or kindly towards her?


Or the other stereotype: I know a woman who was open to a second wife, if it was important to her husband, and also because she felt sorry for another woman and her children. But the second woman was just playing games (while still married, though she claimed it was all over). And the man was mostly motivated by a desire to make his wife jealous... to hurt her, so he could better control her.


Real life is never so neat as our stereotypes, and stereotypes hurt real people. And they do not honour the beauty of the individual before God.


We all have our own life experiences. And they colour how we see the world. But we must never forget that what is true for one, may not be true for another. Because if we forget this, then we really risk injustice.


When I consider the Qur'an, and the words and actions of the Prophet (PBUH), what strikes me over and over again, is how flexible and nuanced are the injunctions,recommendations and actions taken. One man may kiss his wife while fasting...while another man may not. One man may marry more than once...but it may be better if another does not. One should never renounce Allah...but perhaps it may be necessary to let it seem so...


No one of us can even imagine all the different combinations of situations that occur in real life. Could we not then, agree that we have only our small contributions,and that our own views may not be correct in a situation outside of what we personally know?


All the inputs in this thread are interesting and useful, in that they can stimulate us to thought and introspection. And may Allah Bless all who have participated. I feel we can teach one another things, perhaps, that He Wills to Teach us?


Can we not, then, listen to one another, as well as speak, and end the day with: well, I understand another's point of view, and I can see its validity (though I may still disagree). And I have given my opinion that I believe is the most correct and Pleasing to the One, our Lord.


But perhaps another is right and I am wrong, and I am willing to hold this truth within my heart.


And only Allah truly Knows. May He Forgive us all.

 

[Abdul Rafay]

Pardon me for I am a terrible parphraser. But I came across a shaykh brother's comment on Sunni Forum about the men who employ the 'widows/divorcees' card in this topic. So instead of paraphrasing I'll quote him directly. Note: His words may sound harsh. But I believe they are dreadfully realistic.

I don't know why guys throw in this "polygamy is going to cure all problems in the society" bumper sticker - come on, if you are going to do a manly thing then first be a man. I look at the list of guys who taken on more than one wife and the 2nd wife is almost always an unmarried girl, 16 here, 18 there, no older than 25, the 40 year old single lady is still single. So please don't use the emotional argument with the marrying divorcee/widow as 2nd wife. That's an insult to our women.Guys getting 2nd wives yet divorcee still sitting at home widows still worry about their children maintenance. Yes I know about preference given to virgin girl in such and such narration - so I say just be a man about it and say "hey I want to get an 18 year old firecracker as 2nd wife." You have that right and that choice. I can respect that. But please don't disrespect the divorcee girl and don't play with the emotions of the widow worried for her children future and don't clown with our society that increase in 2nd marriages is going to better our society - just be a man and say it will better your enjoyment. Has very little to do with society. Keep the sunnah going no doubt, but at the same time let's keep it real.I have hardly ever heard a guy marrying a 40+ for 2nd wife or widow with kids or divorcee - usually they use the shoulder of divorcee and widow to fire their gun and shoot target of age 16-25 unmarried. Don't use excuse of divorcee and widow for nafsani desire, just say this is my nafs desire to get a young 2nd wife unmarried and we can respect that, jub pyar kiya to darna kya? What place does fear have on the path of love?What answer will such people give to Allah swt on day of judgement who play with emotions of divorcee/widow?Divorcee/widow reading this: Fusus can understand your frustration, anger and can understand an almost humiliating aspect society deals with you. Do not worry for the whispers, keep the patience and Allah swt will deal with the mockers as their mockery will hit them on their face. Fusus making regular duas for all Muslims to alleviate their suffering and problems and worries, with a"fiyat, ameen.

Ta'addud Azwaaj in Islam

 

[greenhill]

Its not hard to know what it causes.

Absolutely, I am not going to argue. You are not wrong in saying that. Because it is what we see happen before our eyes. All I am saying is, we will never 'know' the otherwise story. What could have happened if they did or did not....

As I said t the outset, if we took out our emotions and desires and look at the context of the law, it was granted for humane reasons. The prophet actually asked someone to marry a widow by requesting someone to volunteer. To do service. Not for a desire.

Of course there have always been exceptional cases like your family's but such stories are far from being the norm.

Thank you. We are not so exceptional, quite a few cases over here.


Peace :shade:

 

[h-n]

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

You have created a thread on the basis that you have wished to have a second wife, and now that you say it causes problems, the answers in the thread your not particularly happy with.

So I can't help feeling its more about what you wish to hear??

Its your own personal choice whether you get married again, personally I find it weird, ie there was a male who had 5 kids and was wishing to remarry. Well the issue here is that you;-

- sleep for about 8 hours,
- work for 8 hours -that's 16 hours gone in a day,
- you have 8 hours left
- excluding about 2 hours in the morning to get ready, have breakfast, get ready the kids for school,
- about 6 hours then after school, shop for food play with kids, help with educate them, perhaps fit in time to do something that you personally like.
-Life if already full even with 2 kids, and today even in the west fathers are playing more of a role in babysitting and looking after younger children.
-not forgetting about praying to God, concentrating in the month of Ramadan
-don't people want a work/life balance and at home have a balance too?

So I would distrust anyone looking for another wife, quoting what people have done in the past isn't going to help anyone build a case as the above if you can find time to have another wife and more children, maybe your not doing enough with your current family.

 

[ardianto]

You have created a thread on the basis that you have wished to have a second wife, and now that you say it causes problems, the answers in the thread your not particularly happy with.

Sister, the Indian man who wanted to marry that woman is not brother Aseer.

Brother Aseer just quotes a question that asked by someone else.

 

[h-n]

It's unlikely that a person seeking advice for someone else, would pick and choose, dismiss until he gets a suitable response for someone else.

 

[Abdul Rafay]

A question about second marriage and a scholar (Hazrat Wali)’s advice


813 Hall : Sir it’s a very serious matter that inspite of his one wife and 3 children he’s not satisfied. There’s a desire for another wife from years. He can afford the house and expenses right now Alhamdulillah but people consider it very bad or evil. Even a wife cannot tolerate such thing, infact she speaks out some phrases against the law. And sometimes I strongly believe that it’s a revelation from Allah that I should break this ritual and marry again, become a support for an orphan or a widow. But there’s a fear of separation of beautiful children and a loving wife. Then I keep feeling deep down in my heart that I should not revive the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad SAWW from the fear of separation of beautiful children and beautiful wife.


There’s no women Alhamdulillah in my heart due to the remembrance of Allah, whether it happens or not, life, death, hunger, thirst, saturation everything has become equal yet that desire is so strong and doesn’t go away from remembrance, from Asar to Maghrib I keep myself indulged in remembrance just like a fish in water, routine as always is continued.


Answer : About second marriage what you have written that it may be a revelation from Allah, then this perception of yours is wrong, this is a diabolical revelation. Probably you believe that like other sunnahs following this sunah is also recommended, but to follow this sunnah is confined to a very severe condition


فان خفتم الا تعدلوا فواحدۃ


Verily! If you know that you will not be able to be just with more than one wife, instead the rights of a wife will be wasted then limit yourself to one wife.(Al-Quran)


In today’s era, the rights of one wife are not being fulfilled then how will the rights of the second wife be fulfilled. It was only the emaan (faith) of the sahaba (R.A) that they were able to be just and righteous among four wives at a time. Now we are completely self-obsessed, it is not very easy to be just with the rights of a less beautiful wife than with the one who is more beautiful. It is feared that on the Day of Judgment your neck will be trapped.


Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat (Maulana Ashraf Ali) Thanvi RA was married twice. Someone said to him that by doing two marriages you have opened the gateway to two marriages for your followers, he said no, I have closed the door. There are scales hanging on the door, if any fruit is brought then it doesn’t mean that I balance the fruit in the scales and give it to both wives instead for example if two water melons of similar weights are brought then I cut each water melon into two equal halves and then give it to them because if I do not cut them in half then I fear that one will get the sweeter and the other will get the less sweeter which is against justice, in the same way if I have to give them clothes then I give exactly same to both of them and if I spend six hours with one wife then on other wife’s turn I spend exactly six hours with her looking at the watch etc. Can anyone practice this much justice? Despite of this justice he said getting married twice is not easy, I felt two marriages were so difficult that sometimes I thought of committing suicide.


What you have written that there is a fear of separation of wife and children due to second marriage then it’s not just a fear, in this era this separation is certain, life will become harsh, we have a lot of cases in front of us that even those wives who happily permitted, after wedding established a confrontation against their husbands in alliance with their children.


If according to what you said there is no women in your heart, whether it happens or not is equal, then why is there a strict requirement of wanting a second wife? While your palace of desires (wife) is there, beware of your inner self, it’s cracks are very fine.


Quoted from: [Page 424-426, Tarbiyat e Ashiqan e Khuda PART-2 By: Shaikh ul Arab wal Ajam Hazrat Maulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (ra)]


Original Urdu Pages from: http://www.khanqah.org/books/show/tarbiyat-e-ashiqan-e-khuda-part-2#