Polygny

[Muslimah1990]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Just seeking advice about my husband who is currently in the process of a second marriage.
I have only been muslim for 1 year and learning about the deen has been amazing and overwhelming at its best. It's just seems there are new obstacles after the next.
Coming from a western country where having multiple spouses is actually illegal and bearing in mind islam is still relatively new to me, changing my whole lifestyle. This has just come as a shock and large blow.
I understand the right of a man and I do not dispute what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has made in His shariah.
I just really would like some advice on dealing with this matter. I have no muslim friends or family. I have no friends or family who would even begin to support me in this, like I said living in the west where your mindset is very different to an Islamic way.
I feel so lost and hopeless like it's some sort of punishment for me. It's been so hard to begin to get my head around and I'm so worried about having kufr in my heart because of how I'm feeling. I'm pregnant and very hormonal and stressed and just keep crying.

 

[*charisma*]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Just seeking advice about my husband who is currently in the process of a second marriage.
I have only been muslim for 1 year and learning about the deen has been amazing and overwhelming at its best. It's just seems there are new obstacles after the next.
Coming from a western country where having multiple spouses is actually illegal and bearing in mind islam is still relatively new to me, changing my whole lifestyle. This has just come as a shock and large blow.
I understand the right of a man and I do not dispute what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has made in His shariah.
I just really would like some advice on dealing with this matter. I have no muslim friends or family. I have no friends or family who would even begin to support me in this, like I said living in the west where your mindset is very different to an Islamic way.
I feel so lost and hopeless like it's some sort of punishment for me. It's been so hard to begin to get my head around and I'm so worried about having kufr in my heart because of how I'm feeling. I'm pregnant and very hormonal and stressed and just keep crying.

Walaikum asalaam wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

While it's not obligatory for your husband to discuss the matter of a 2nd marriage to you, has he done so?? I mean since you know about it, it seems he was open about the process? Also was any of this discussed before you agreed to marry one another?

 

[Muslimah1990]

We have sort of touched on the subject. I have always tried to be open to it as it is from Quran and who can argue Quran? I'm jist looking for maybe some support from people who have other wives or who are part of a multiple marriage... I'm not against the whole thing...just having a hard time accepting it. Perhaps I just hoped I could of enjoyed a marriage a little longer before having to consider this and perhaps I hoped that maybe I could go through this pregnancy and birthwithout extra unnecessary stress. I actually found out by accident and we haven't spoken about it really since so I'm trying to deal with it alone. I have no right to take away his right.

 

[*charisma*]

We have sort of touched on the subject. I have always tried to be open to it as it is from Quran and who can argue Quran? I'm jist looking for maybe some support from people who have other wives or who are part of a multiple marriage... I'm not against the whole thing...just having a hard time accepting it. Perhaps I just hoped I could of enjoyed a marriage a little longer before having to consider this and perhaps I hoped that maybe I could go through this pregnancy and birthwithout extra unnecessary stress. I actually found out by accident and we haven't spoken about it really since so I'm trying to deal with it alone. I have no right to take away his right.

It's natural to feel jealousy or want to have spent more time with your husband. Actually, I cannot even blame you for feeling this way. However, I think mashallah you are such a wonderful wife and muslimah in putting effort in accepting something many women refuse to accept. May Allah reward you immensely for that, and grant you patience, ease, and happiness during this trial. I do think you should speak to him more openly about it and make it a topic of discussion. Some things will need to be taken into consideration, such as how involved will you be in this process, will you be interacting with his 2nd wife, and will your rights still be maintained. He should be able to financially support the both of you equitably.

 

[Muslimah1990]

I'm praying for ease. I don't know what else to say.

 

[sister_39738]

[FONT=&quot]The important thing to remember is that your husband still loves you. I grew up in the west too. [/FONT][FONT=&quot] Outside of Islam women are taught that your worth comes from how much a man wants and desires you. So if a man wants another wife that means he wants you less. We are taught that other women are competition and to accept another woman is to accept defeat. Even a lot of Muslims buy into this westernized belief that the only way a man can love you is for you to be solely his. It turns women into jealous, backstabbing competitors. It does not seem like it now but him looking for a second wife is an honor to you. Instead of going around in secrecy and sleeping with other women polygamy is a righteous way to be with other women without shaming himself and lying to you. Another thing to remember is that the outcome is partly up to you. You can choose to associate with this woman or not to. You can choose to be or friend or not and you can choose whether or not to reside in the same house as her. It would be in your best interest to try and not build up resentment because it will destroy your marriage.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]I don't know if you have been informed as to why polygamy exist but I will tell you.Polygamy came about in a time after war, where there were a lot of women who lost their husbands and their support system. At this time there were few men and many women needed this. Today there are too many women who can't find a suitable husband which is why many are starting to consider being a second wife. Your acceptance of another wife is actually doing a great service to our unmah.[/FONT]

 

[sister_39738]

It's natural to feel jealousy or want to have spent more time with your husband. Actually, I cannot even blame you for feeling this way. However, I think mashallah you are such a wonderful wife and muslimah in putting effort in accepting something many women refuse to accept. May Allah reward you immensely for that, and grant you patience, ease, and happiness during this trial. I do think you should speak to him more openly about it and make it a topic of discussion. Some things will need to be taken into consideration, such as how involved will you be in this process, will you be interacting with his 2nd wife, and will your rights still be maintained. He should be able to financially support the both of you equitably.

And spend equal amount of time with her.

 

[Muslimah1990]

The important thing to remember is that your husband still loves you. I grew up in the west too. Outside of Islam women are taught that your worth comes from how much a man wants and desires you. So if a man wants another wife that means he wants you less. We are taught that other women are competition and to accept another woman is to accept defeat. Even a lot of Muslims buy into this westernized belief that the only way a man can love you is for you to be solely his. It turns women into jealous, backstabbing competitors. It does not seem like it now but him looking for a second wife is an honor to you. Instead of going around in secrecy and sleeping with other women polygamy is a righteous way to be with other women without shaming himself and lying to you. Another thing to remember is that the outcome is partly up to you. You can choose to associate with this woman or not to. You can choose to be or friend or not and you can choose whether or not to reside in the same house as her. It would be in your best interest to try and not build up resentment because it will destroy your marriage.


I don't know if you have been informed as to why polygamy exist but I will tell you.Polygamy came about in a time after war, where there were a lot of women who lost their husbands and their support system. At this time there were few men and many women needed this. Today there are too many women who can't find a suitable husband which is why many are starting to consider being a second wife. Your acceptance of another wife is actually doing a great service to our unmah.

Yeah I guess I'm fighting with the confusion of this ideology of having another woman is replacing the first one. That maybe he doesn't want me or he's not happy or whatever. It made me feel like I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me, as opposed to what islam teaches. It's just a great confusion with how I've been living my whole life for 25 years then this past one year almost every aspect of life changes into an Islamic perspective and I'm just dealing with it badly I think.

 

[Muslimah1990]

I'm in a very split mind and I'm just looking for support. I want to be a good muslim but the other half of me just wants to give up and kill myself which I know is not allowed but it's just seems better than this stress.

 

[sister_39738]

Yeah I guess I'm fighting with the confusion of this ideology of having another woman is replacing the first one. That maybe he doesn't want me or he's not happy or whatever. It made me feel like I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me, as opposed to what islam teaches. It's just a great confusion with how I've been living my whole life for 25 years then this past one year almost every aspect of life changes into an Islamic perspective and I'm just dealing with it badly I think.

Things need to be taken slowly.Morals in the west are completely opposite of islam so it will take you time to adjust.Incorporate little things at a time and stop doing haram things slowly,not cold turkey.

 

[Zeal]

Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an

 

[Muslimah1990]

Things need to be taken slowly.Morals in the west are completely opposite of islam so it will take you time to adjust.Incorporate little things at a time and stop doing haram things slowly,not cold turkey.

Yes. Alhamdulilah Allah kept me away from a lot of haram even as a non muslim so it's making the basic switches and just learning so strengthen my iman and increase my knowledge. This is all His plan and I cannot argue with it. I just pray I go through it with ease, as I want for the rest of my brothers and sisters. I want to keep an open mind and not become angry and fall into kufr.

 

[sister_39738]

I'm in a very split mind and I'm just looking for support. I want to be a good muslim but the other half of me just wants to give up and kill myself which I know is not allowed but it's just seems better than this stress.

[FONT=&quot]Suicide will not only cheat you out of the chance to finally meet Allah, his angels, and prophets in Jannah, but it will also cheat you out of the chance to learn how to thrive through fear and stress. Women need to be well rounded, healthy individuals before their marriage that way when something goes wrong or the marriage dissolves they won’t even consider suicide. Step back and take a look outside of your marriage. Without your husband you will still have Allah and yourself, that’s enough to build a happy life on. What you also need to realize is that you are not powerless in your marriage. If you are so stressed out that you feel like you want to commit suicide then introducing another person into your marriage will not be of benefit to you. Your marriage is about your happiness too. I'm not telling you to go out and divorce your husband but you need to talk to him and tell him about what's going on with you.[/FONT]

 

[Muslimah1990]

Suicide will not only cheat you out of the chance to finally meet Allah, his angels, and prophets in Jannah, but it will also cheat you out of the chance to learn how to thrive through fear and stress. Women need to be well rounded, healthy individuals before their marriage that way when something goes wrong or the marriage dissolves they won’t even consider suicide. Step back and take a look outside of your marriage. Without your husband you will still have Allah and yourself, that’s enough to build a happy life on. What you also need to realize is that you are not powerless in your marriage. If you are so stressed out that you feel like you want to commit suicide then introducing another person into your marriage will not be of benefit to you. Your marriage is about your happiness too. I'm not telling you to go out and divorce your husband but you need to talk to him and tell him about what's going on with you.

Great advice and reminder. I think it may just be the pregnancy hormones talking most of the time. Maybe I can speak to him about it in a few days in sha Allah. I feel like I'm going to become angry and say mean things and become irrational.

 

[sister_39738]

Great advice and reminder. I think it may just be the pregnancy hormones talking most of the time. Maybe I can speak to him about it in a few days in sha Allah. I feel like I'm going to become angry and say mean things and become irrational.

[FONT=&quot]During a pregnancy is not an ideal time to introduce a new component in your marriage. You should sit down and write out your concerns. The more prepared you feel for the conversation the less nervous you’ll be. You should also ask your husband why he wants a second wife (this is not improper).[/FONT]

 

[Muslimah1990]

He doesn't really need to discuss the matter with me though right, I mean he didn't tell me I found out by accident. He has confirmed he is in the middle of things. Nothing set in stone so maybe I'm just over reacting...he said he put his name down in the masjid some time ago...doesn't make it and less confusing or hurtful but that's the situation.

 

[Muslimah1990]

Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an

Thanks I will bear this in mind when u feel myself becoming lost or angry.

 

[Muslimah1990]

Thanks I will bear this in mind when u feel myself becoming lost or angry.

When I* feel myself....it's been difficult and I felt I was becoming mental. Having struggled with depression from a young age I fear to go back there.

 

[Muslimah1990]

To think this is only the first stage of them getting to know each other before a marriage. I can't even bare to think what am I to do if this all goes through....what do I do on the nights he is with her..? Maybe I could cope more if it wasn't so soon and maybe our marriage was more stable and in a comfortable position. I feel like we just got married last week. I don't know. I'm just getting ahead doff myself. Just sitting here trying to imagine how insane I will be on the nights in alone knowing he is with his other wife's...even if they do not suit...perhaps in the future he may have one. I just really want to make sure that you all understand I have no problems with what Allah has given to men and women..understanding it is a little difficult but not something I will dwell on as we do not have knowledge of all things. I would never ask him not to go through with this as who am I to take away a right Allah has given...!? I just need to be able to bare it.
Is there a particular dua I could maybe use of certain acts of ibadah that will in sha Allah bring more ease and comfort to this?

 

[eesa the kiwi]

To think this is only the first stage of them getting to know each other before a marriage. I can't even bare to think what am I to do if this all goes through....what do I do on the nights he is with her..? Maybe I could cope more if it wasn't so soon and maybe our marriage was more stable and in a comfortable position. I feel like we just got married last week. I don't know. I'm just getting ahead doff myself. Just sitting here trying to imagine how insane I will be on the nights in alone knowing he is with his other wife's...even if they do not suit...perhaps in the future he may have one. I just really want to make sure that you all understand I have no problems with what Allah has given to men and women..understanding it is a little difficult but not something I will dwell on as we do not have knowledge of all things. I would never ask him not to go through with this as who am I to take away a right Allah has given...!? I just need to be able to bare it.
Is there a particular dua I could maybe use of certain acts of ibadah that will in sha Allah bring more ease and comfort to this?

It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:
للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي
‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’
“O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”
but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)