Polygny

Zeal said:
Allahumma barik you have alot of strength it happened to one of my family members and she literally went mental but it got her closer to Allah swt before then she didn't even pray so alhumdulillah and it will be khayr for you too inshallah. It's said that if Allah closes one path for a wisdom which He alone knows, He will – out of His mercy – open another path for you which is even more beneficial.

Think of this as an oppurtunity to further gain the love of Allah


Allahumusta'an
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May I ask, how is your family member now. I pray Allah gives her the best of this life and the hereafter. Did she adjust in time..?
 
Muslimah1990 said:
I'm praying for ease. I don't know what else to say.
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:salamext:

Dearest sister, may Allah ease your pain and help you immensely, aameen. And I pray this from the bottom of my heart. You are experiencing a lot of changes and are trying so hard to carry them all - from the changes in your heart & soul from accepting Islam and carrying the legislations of Allaah and all the joys and challenges this brings, to the changes in your body & hormones from carrying a baby and all the joys and & pain and emotions this brings. And now the changes in your marriage - of trying to carry the pain of dealing with your husband wanting to take a second wife. All within a span of one year. There is a lot of weight on your shoulders and considering your situation, it is no wonder that you are constantly crying. This is a sign of extreme stress and overwhelm and your whole nervous system is in the red zone. You need to mix a spoon of molasses in milk and drink it and have an apple/fresh figs. Believe me, the amount of stress you are going through, your nerves need it and so does your baby. It will make you feel better in shaa Allaah. May Allaah have immense mercy upon you and increase you in goodness. May Allah :swt: make your husband very understanding and supportive to your situation and condition - because you need this very much and you need to communicate with your husband and he with you - because whatever decisions you both make - when you communicate with each other and be supportive and understand each others emotional and physical needs - when you both fear Allaah - when you work together and are there for each other - understanding that this is a two way thing - it strengthens a relationship and makes matters easier to deal with and the importance of this cannot be stressed enough. And this is the foundation to a healthy and secure and empowering relationship - where both husband and wife bring out each other's full potential. Whereas if we don't have this in a relationship - if one partner feels they are going through their trials alone - and we do not be merciful towards the situation of our spouses and be patient with one another (and this is a two way thing) then one or both the husband and wife will be in a state of insecurity, unfulfilment, stress/grief and emotional instability - and this will effect the future of this Ummah (the children). And it is important that every husband and wife understand this - and even more so if the husband is considering bringing another wife and wishes for a successful polygamous relationship - then it is even more important that he understands the importance having a strong and secure relationship and understanding with his first wife.

My dear sister, having said this, there will be times in our life where we have no control over our situation - and the best thing during that time is pour out your heart to Allaah - because dua is the strongest weapon of a beleiver and there is no one who can understand our pain other than Allaah. And no one has the power to ease our distress other than Allaah. And no one is more merciful and compassionate to the believers other than Allaah - and when you understand this relationship between your lord and you - and you pour out your heart to Him, from how you sincerely wish to please Him in every way - and how you are feeling and struggling and fear for your Eemaan - the inner peace and serenity you will feel - the taste of Eemaan you will feel from this - no one can make anyone feel this way and it is the most beautiful feeling for those few fortunate ones who have experienced it. The support He (Allah :swt: ) will give you will be like no other support you have felt. And the comfort He will bring you will be like a comfort not even our mothers can give us. And Allah :swt: answers the dua of those who call upon Him and He can even avert a trial coming in our direction if we ask Him to. And If u feel you need more time - He can also do that. Even though your husband is in the process of looking for a second wife, it doesn't mean that it will happen so soon. It is a heavy procedure and responsibility and can even take long periods of time. Understand that if this is a heartache for you, it is a huge headache for him, especially if he understands the great responsibility in entails and fears Allahs commands. It is not easy having two wives - a lot of men wish to marry again - but when men realise the responsibilities of this - many end up staying with only one. Therefore we don't know what the future holds. Therefore concentrate on the present and as hard as it is, try not to think negatively because number one, it's not the case you have done something wrong and neither does it mean your husband will love you less. Remember no other wife of rasool Allah :saws1: could take the place of his first wife Khadija (RA) because of her sacrifices, even when she died, and no other wives (from the ones living) could take the place of Aisha (RA), even though he married other beautiful women after her. Secondly, the shaytaan is going to make you feel this way because he loves to grieve the believers and make them sad. Therefore try to stay positive and not let these thoughts effect you to this extent because it can cause you and your baby both harm.

I would like to leave you with two ahadith;


Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Messenger :saws1: said, "Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: "Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?"[Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 246]


The Prophet :saws1: said:

"Whoever gets up at night and says: "La ilaha il-lallah Wahdahu la Sharika lahu Lahu-l-mulk, waLahu-l-hamd wahuwa 'ala kullishai'in Qadir. Alhamdu lil-lahi wa subhanal-lahi wa la-ilaha il-lal-lah wa-l-lahu akbar wa la hawla Wala Quwata il-la-bil-lah." (None has the right to be worshipped but Allah. He is the Only One and has no partners . For Him is the Kingdom and all the praises are due for Him. He is Omnipotent. All the praises are for Allah. All the glories are for Allah. And none has the right to be worshipped but Allah, And Allah is Great And there is neither Might nor Power Except with Allah). And then says: "Allahumma, Ighfir li" (O Allah! Forgive me). Or invokes (Allah), he will be responded to and if he performs ablution (and prays), his prayer will be accepted." [Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 253]

May Allaah :swt: grant you the best of both worlds and ease all your affairs. Aameen
 
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Muslimah1990 said:
May I ask, how is your family member now. I pray Allah gives her the best of this life and the hereafter. Did she adjust in time..?
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ameen I pray the same for you and your family

Alhamdulillah, I would say she's in a state better than before and she had it even worse because her husband got married and had a baby a whole family without her even knowing about it on the sly. Tbh it took her quite a while to adjust but she still hadn't found islam in the sense she didn't practise andwhen she did I think that's when she started accepting the way things were and adjusted.
 
Alhamdulillah she's a happy practising mother of 5 now :)
 
Muslimah1990 said:
He doesn't really need to discuss the matter with me though right, I mean he didn't tell me I found out by accident. He has confirmed he is in the middle of things. Nothing set in stone so maybe I'm just over reacting...he said he put his name down in the masjid some time ago...doesn't make it and less confusing or hurtful but that's the situation.
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He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.
 
He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.
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Well I haven't really tired to discuss with him and I find there are times I get anxiety regarding the matter but like I said it's probably due to over thinking and over worrying and incorrectly thinking I'm being replaced or as if he wants someone better. I want to remove all these negative thoughts and support him throughout. Other times I'm completely cool and I think it's fine. I hope Allah rewards you and everyone that has read or commented on this thread for your support. Like I said I don't have muslim friends or family...and my friends and family wouldn't even begin to understand it. In sha Allah Allah will ease the suffering of you all through hardships and trials and give you ease. Ameen.
 
Talk to him openly about how you feel. While it's true that it is his right to do so (in the absence of a specific nikah term to the contrary), it is also the duty of a polygamous man to ensure domestic harmony.
 
Futuwwa said:
Talk to him openly about how you feel. While it's true that it is his right to do so (in the absence of a specific nikah term to the contrary), it is also the duty of a polygamous man to ensure domestic harmony.
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I will make sure to discuss all these points and emotions I'm feeling.
 
Muslimah1990 said:
When I* feel myself....it's been difficult and I felt I was becoming mental. Having struggled with depression from a young age I fear to go back there.
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I have suffered from depression since childhood too.In trying times it helps to have someone to talk to.You should look into therapy.
 
piXie said:
:salamext:

Dearest sister, may Allah ease your pain and help you immensely, aameen. And I pray this from the bottom of my heart. You are experiencing a lot of changes and are trying so hard to carry them all - from the changes in your heart & soul from accepting Islam and carrying the legislations of Allaah and all the joys and challenges this brings, to the changes in your body & hormones from carrying a baby and all the joys and & pain and emotions this brings. And now the changes in your marriage - of trying to carry the pain of dealing with your husband wanting to take a second wife. All within a span of one year. There is a lot of weight on your shoulders and considering your situation, it is no wonder that you are constantly crying. This is a sign of extreme stress and overwhelm and your whole nervous system is in the red zone. You need to mix a spoon of molasses in milk and drink it and have an apple/fresh figs. Believe me, the amount of stress you are going through, your nerves need it and so does your baby. It will make you feel better in shaa Allaah. May Allaah have immense mercy upon you and increase you in goodness. May Allah :swt: make your husband very understanding and supportive to your situation and condition - because you need this very much and you need to communicate with your husband and he with you - because whatever decisions you both make - when you communicate with each other and be supportive and understand each others emotional and physical needs - when you both fear Allaah - when you work together and are there for each other - understanding that this is a two way thing - it strengthens a relationship and makes matters easier to deal with and the importance of this cannot be stressed enough. And this is the foundation to a healthy and secure and empowering relationship - where both husband and wife bring out each other's full potential. Whereas if we don't have this in a relationship - if one partner feels they are going through their trials alone - and we do not be merciful towards the situation of our spouses and be patient with one another (and this is a two way thing) then one or both the husband and wife will be in a state of insecurity, unfulfilment, stress/grief and emotional instability - and this will effect the future of this Ummah (the children). And it is important that every husband and wife understand this - and even more so if the husband is considering bringing another wife and wishes for a successful polygamous relationship - then it is even more important that he understands the importance having a strong and secure relationship and understanding with his first wife.

My dear sister, having said this, there will be times in our life where we have no control over our situation - and the best thing during that time is pour out your heart to Allaah - because dua is the strongest weapon of a beleiver and there is no one who can understand our pain other than Allaah. And no one has the power to ease our distress other than Allaah. And no one is more merciful and compassionate to the believers other than Allaah - and when you understand this relationship between your lord and you - and you pour out your heart to Him, from how you sincerely wish to please Him in every way - and how you are feeling and struggling and fear for your Eemaan - the inner peace and serenity you will feel - the taste of Eemaan you will feel from this - no one can make anyone feel this way and it is the most beautiful feeling for those few fortunate ones who have experienced it. The support He (Allah :swt: ) will give you will be like no other support you have felt. And the comfort He will bring you will be like a comfort not even our mothers can give us. And Allah :swt: answers the dua of those who call upon Him and He can even avert a trial coming in our direction if we ask Him to. And If u feel you need more time - He can also do that. Even though your husband is in the process of looking for a second wife, it doesn't mean that it will happen so soon. It is a heavy procedure and responsibility and can even take long periods of time. Understand that if this is a heartache for you, it is a huge headache for him, especially if he understands the great responsibility in entails and fears Allahs commands. It is not easy having two wives - a lot of men wish to marry again - but when men realise the responsibilities of this - many end up staying with only one. Therefore we don't know what the future holds. Therefore concentrate on the present and as hard as it is, try not to think negatively because number one, it's not the case you have done something wrong and neither does it mean your husband will love you less. Remember no other wife of rasool Allah :saws1: could take the place of his first wife Khadija (RA) because of her sacrifices, even when she died, and no other wives (from the ones living) could take the place of Aisha (RA), even though he married other beautiful women after her. Secondly, the shaytaan is going to make you feel this way because he loves to grieve the believers and make them sad. Therefore try to stay positive and not let these thoughts effect you to this extent because it can cause you and your baby both harm.

I would like to leave you with two ahadith;


Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Messenger :saws1: said, "Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: "Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?"[Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 246]


The Prophet :saws1: said:

"Whoever gets up at night and says: "La ilaha il-lallah Wahdahu la Sharika lahu Lahu-l-mulk, waLahu-l-hamd wahuwa 'ala kullishai'in Qadir. Alhamdu lil-lahi wa subhanal-lahi wa la-ilaha il-lal-lah wa-l-lahu akbar wa la hawla Wala Quwata il-la-bil-lah." (None has the right to be worshipped but Allah. He is the Only One and has no partners . For Him is the Kingdom and all the praises are due for Him. He is Omnipotent. All the praises are for Allah. All the glories are for Allah. And none has the right to be worshipped but Allah, And Allah is Great And there is neither Might nor Power Except with Allah). And then says: "Allahumma, Ighfir li" (O Allah! Forgive me). Or invokes (Allah), he will be responded to and if he performs ablution (and prays), his prayer will be accepted." [Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 253]

May Allaah :swt: grant you the best of both worlds and ease all your affairs. Aameen
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This is a very soothing a lovely comment to read. Thank you for making the situation very understandable for me. I know this could be a long process and may not even amount to anything 5his time around which is why I know sometimes my stress comes from over thinking and worrying and making up troubles in my mind. I have little knowledge and I know shaytan uses that against me. I want to please Allah first and foremost and also make my husband happy with me. This comment really put things into perspective for me and I keep reminding myself to have patience and everything happens with Allah's knowledge and it is He who knows best for us. I'm sure these are normal emotions for women to go through.
 
He must be more busy with you now instead of looking for a second marriage. Now tell him that Quran just allows polygny but encourages one wife.
 
anatolian said:
He must be more busy with you now instead of looking for a second marriage. Now tell him that Quran just allows polygny but encourages one wife.
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Alhamdulilah I have no complaints with him and he is a very good man. I will discuss things over with him soon in sha Allah. Perhaps I'll bring up this comment
 
He does have to discuss it with you.You are not powerless in your marriage and you are not required to be a passive participant. The fact that your husband made all of these arrangements without telling you is alarming.
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I could not agree more.
If TS is crying about the situation, things are very wrong.
 
Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.
 
Bhabha said:
Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.
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Even if it is illegal in the country for that, that means nothing. Islam supersedes all laws and we are not to follow the law if it is contrary to Islam. It is not an islamic requirement but it is his islamic right, so to impose a secular law on him because you feel jealous of another wife is an oppression on him from you. It's simple as that. Furthermore, the prophet :saws1: was in a class of his own. He had 9 wives, can we have 9 wives too? He gave his wives the option of divorce but did he tell us that we should too?
 
Bhabha said:
Where do you live sister? If it is illegal in the country that you live in, as a Muslim he is obligated to follow the law of the Land as long as it does not conflict with Islamic law. Since it is not an Islamic requirement to have a second wife, he is obligated more to follow the law of the land. It's simple as that. Furthermore, when Prophet Muhammad PBUH was going to get married to more wives, he gave the option to his wives of divorcing him if they did not like it. So, do not forget that obvious fact.
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A lot of countries that do have laws against polygamy only have laws against legally claiming more than one wife but cohabiting with more than one woman is just fine, which is hypocritical. So since she wont legally be a wife just islamically it is perfectly legal. Really the law enforcement that go after religious people who practice polygamy like mormons and muslims, are just being religiously intolerant.
 
To be honest I wouldnt be able to bear something like that.
But if you feel like you can handle something like that then it there will be great reward from Allah SWT.
Just turn to Allah SWT and pray and may He fill you with peace and happiness.
 
islamirama said:
Even if it is illegal in the country for that, that means nothing. Islam supersedes all laws and we are not to follow the law if it is contrary to Islam. It is not an islamic requirement but it is his islamic right, so to impose a secular law on him because you feel jealous of another wife is an oppression on him from you. It's simple as that. Furthermore, the prophet :saws1: was in a class of his own. He had 9 wives, can we have 9 wives too? He gave his wives the option of divorce but did he tell us that we should too?
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No. Islam allows men to have more than one wife, HOWEVER, it is not a requirement. It is his Islamic right, it is also her islamic right to divorce him if she does not wish to be a co-wife. That's her right. People continue to bother with the rights of the husband, but what about the wife?

Sorry, but in a Non-Muslim country, follow the law of the land. OR GET OUT. Simple as that, go live somewhere where people can have more than one wife. I say this to anyone who wishes to have more than one wife in the West. Get out and go somewhere else.
 

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